I .... just can't feel anything ... I am Always Complained about that ... I'm Passing through much things now:
Reason1:- my country is living in a war , some say it's because of America and other countries that want to take ours (syria) and others say it's for freedom and because of of the president and his violence (haven't actually been sure of any so I can't judge) , anyway , just Google Syria or look in YouTube to see what I am talking about , this situation destroyed my biggest childhood dream to win the computer contest of my country then the one of the world , but because of the current situation (sometimes I can't get out of home , and explosions or fire are our usual daily sounds which we feel weird if didn't hear it in some hour) so thy had to cancel the contest , and for the last few months everyone became very angry for the least reason so it became so usual to see my parents shouting and sometimes my mom goes out and we spend hours worrying about her and trying to know where she is while she answers ( I'm just out wonna rent a house away , isn't that what you want?) I really don't worry or care about her , just because if something happens it will happen and I can't do anything anyway , I'm still 16 yr girl , and here comes my father saying : Don't you feel? That is your mom! ( well yeah but if I worried would it do anything? I CAN'T FEEEL!!! ) without forgetting the daily amount of people dying in our city and the others , which (if I care) can make someone die with a heart attack, and being afraid of taking a glass of water from the kitchen in the middle of night ( you might be another press hot subject for tomorrow if they noticed you light in the kitchen and gave you a head shot as a gift , pretty nice way to appear in TV huh?)
Reason2:-I'm a Smart Person , you know what that means? it means I'm That Freak that everyone should avoid because of it's (Imaginary world) and I bet I am A Genius But I only Care about that I have skills which can help people MUCH if well used ( I'm really rethinking about -well used-) anyway , I'm Much different from other people, always say strange stuff for them , get in stuff I (Don't Belong To) when asking a teacher an out question , always space off (because I want to) and think about Ideas That are sooooooo unusual for them (I say we can use an air floating car with solar cells they say just like you can fly without wings) , aaaand for this , I was totally living alone till now , even my parents don't care about anything I do and their first and permanent reaction about things I want to try is NO! only
Reason 3:- I have a Very bad Depression (even told by a doctor , and my blood pressure has reached below 6.5 instead of 12 AND THEY ARE STILL ASKING WHY!) because my life is going in a way I totally don't want , I've been thrown to school and told and forced to study ( even thought I used to study when I was at first classes by my own and be the first always , but my mom always wanted more ) my mom used to take the book and make me repeat the whole lesson and one I mistake with a word she waits for a second and then throws the book to my face and straight says( go and restudy it you lazy!!) and keeps cussing for an hour and more , and now I can't say anything if someone asks me suddenly and I get very tens , and for everything I care of, I want to do , try .. they always say everything to stop me from doing it... they don't care about anything beside my studying shittys , and I SWEAR That The school was the most thing that stopped me from knowledge till now.. because every time I try to do something they all say: look at your grades first! when you get good grades you can speak up with other stuff , they always want more from me , no matter what I do , I understand that school is important to get a job , and I understand that my mom wanted me to be very special at school , but I began as the best I can! My grades were full then why didn't she leave me alone? she knows I am Very smart but the book is the same and here studying will give you the same if you were smart or not! there is no more from what my mom wanted! and if there was I would have reached it by my own even before she can notice! but she didn't give me a chance to study alone , and kept pressing on me ( and pressure really reduces my performance even if I didn't want to! ) so my marks kept going down and down till I became worried of failing last year! ( and thank god I didn't ) she only left me in the 10th Grade I am now beginning the12th , I kept blaming my self for 9 years till I found out at last that the reason of my fail wasn't only me ( let's be a little honest okey? I kept thinking about that for full 9 years even till now and couldn't know why am I going back like that till I thought , couldn't it be the way mom treated me just didn't go well with me? ) and now I am trying to study ... or at least complete some stuff I wanted to do .. but I don't really feel like I want to do anything and I have to force myself for everything I want to do.. and I'm getting in my last school year and don't even know how can I study for it .... believe me ... no one can do anything in my situation ... I always feel tired ... hopeless .. everything is hurting me all, my muscles bones head much pain ... I can't sleep , and I am sick with something that prevents me from eating any fried or fat food expt a little sometimes , even I can't eat anything much.. my stomach hurts me ... I always feel sooo tired but really can't sleep! that kills ...
Reason4:- since it's just me and my sister ( 6 years difference ) and I am the damn older .. everyone finds only me to blame and yell at , including my sister , and excpt recently I didn't really fight back , I don't have anything personal in the house .. including my thoughts .. my sister took my favorite character ( called Nelian ) who I spent half of my life making him and his story to make a movie of it when I enter the college and become free of my parents or other people and she put that character in the sims 3 game and married him in it! THAT .. HONESTLY KILLED ME! ..that character was the most one I loved between The characters I made! he has a very unique , strange, hard story and he's not that silly poppet to play with it's story or even try to change it or take it that way BEFORE IT'S EVEN CREATED IN REALITY! at least let her wait till I make my movie! ... at least ... SAY THAT CHARACTER BELONGS TO ME! and no one became by my side... they all said it's a silly character let her alone she's just a little girl ... and.. that little girl .. and even everyone .. don't let me try anything without even shutting up! .... if I wanted to sign in the Science Olympiad here My sister says: if you leave me more than 2 days I will suicide! ... that really ... kills me ... but still ... my mind is the one being killed but my heart is a stone ... I don't feel .... and then my mom answers: that IF she could win at it! she's just a show up ... ( I took the 12th place on the country in chemistry and took two days with cusses with it because I wasn't the first ) ... thats the situation always when I want to go to UWC ( a national school http://uwc.org/
) and now when trying to find my life or try to change it , I should be worried that my sister will suicide (don't say she's just saying , she's my sis and I know her) ... thats really awful! I always try to change her mind .. make her forget ... but she doen't do anything ... and my parents ( especially my mom ) say: go and suicide! what are you waiting for? and I've stopped her so many times till now , even sometimes she hides a knife under her bed and uses it to make me do to her everything she wants ... I'm really not pretending or making a story .. not even overrating ... anyway .. it's up to you to believe it or not ... and my mom always says ( Yes I am The worst mom in the world and you've got to deal with it! ) and who said that? I haven't even thought of! I just said she understood me wrong thats all! no! she's really a big heart and sensitive .. ( sometimes over emotional ) but she takes the dark side of everything and wants to do things just to do it and say ( I am Th leader ) .... anyway ... my sister is so similar to her ... but anyway we live very away and divided in our family ... I just sit away in my corner in my and sis's room and listen to my parents saying: come out from that corner and stop living like rats ) my mom is always on TV or talking to her friends , I can't talk to her because she hates my scientific interests and I don't have anything else to talk about .. I don't really watch TV much , prefer to learn more on the computer if possible ( can't get it much ) instead of wasting my time ... my father is in the kitchen on his favorite balcony where it's not noisy ... much ,, and my sisy is moving around trying to play alone ... I don't have REAL friends except one ( our neighbor , we take the chance when our parents and Thier's aren't home to open the door and speak with them , our moms are in a war ) and I'm not really that social ... but I am very alone.. and don't know what friendship means .. even thought I can easily make friends and be social ... I can do anything if I wanted to .. but no one lets me do what I want .. I'm not doing anything wrong ... in all my life the one complete thing I remember I finished was a little game of 8 questions I programmed when I was 7 year old with a program called visual basic , it even looked a bad-ass but had two hard questions at least , every question has 3 answers you answer the 8 questions you win , it's that big thing , it just needed 1 cod to copy it for every button ... believe me it's just a shit not that big deal ( and I snapped one of the 2 hard questions from a book about space without fully understanding it , but it worked )....
people... I am totally dead now ... I can't feel at all , nothing is important for me ... a few days ago one of my friends on fanpop had this comment on her wall:
hey i have gun what should i do
1. shoot myself 2. shoot a barrel! 3 *shoot myself* 4. 4 bats muhahahaha 5. create peace and 6. catch them all.............or maybe do nothing
so I put a comment: shoot me
she was upset then because she had faced that before .. I just put sorry .. and deleted that comment ... she said it's okey because I didn't know .. ( she's really really nice) but I .. wasn't feeling anything even in that situation ... I didn't feel .. I wanted to ask her how can she feel that .. or .. what does it mean to lose someone? I already had two close people died ( my grandma from my dad and my language teacher was killed- they say by her son but she was killed in a terrible way- she was veery close to me) but I felt nothing... even when my teacher died.. my friend who didn't even know her started crying .. that teacher was also a friend of my mom and cared much about me ... but I .. I was the only one ... who didn't feel .. everyone was crying around me and I was like a shit.. I can still remember it.. I wanted to ask my fanpop friend about how she can feel ... how can everyone feel .. I said nothing but sorry .. I didn't want to hurt her feelings more ... and I don't want to treat people that fukin way without feeling .. I want to stop being that awful jerk by not feeling these people ... she even has enough troubles for her self and doesn't need someone else to bother her with his shitts , I even always advertise myself ... I feel very annoying ... I just want peoples attention but I shouldn't annoying that way ...
am I Really A Genius? anyway if I Wasn’t a Genius I’m Looking To Be , And If I am , I Wonna Be Ultimate! I Wonna Improve! I’m Really Not Satisfied With Myself Now! Everyone Tells Me You Are Very Different and you Can Come Up With Something Really Different But I Wonna Do MORE! My Dream And Life Goal Is To Build A Place Where Money is Not Exist ,called Inore City, Of Course I know That I can’t make something from nothing , and I really thought about it and what It Would need or the communications with the world outside it , I want to make that place to make people remember why they are exist, and remember that life isn’t about just trying to stay alive but something much more important , it’s about their childhood dreams and what they must do to go for it and DO IT!
I know it might seem unbelievable or cannot be true , or I am flying , but it’s really can be exist and taking money away is a way to make people think : now what should I do? and start fulfilling thier dreams that they forgot and left away , it’s also a way to stop wars and sadness , people’s lives are totally empty! most of them are like that! I just wonna change that all after a year from now
but how can I make that if I can't feel people? how can I give love if I don't have it?