MAN: Young man? You trapped in the Seventies? Nobody says "young man".
What else you gonna say? "Fresh"?
LAZLOW: Look--whatever, homeboy. Listen. Tell me what the kids are into. I gotta connect with the kids. Not my private parts, you know, but--that's for online--but, what are you out doing?
MAN: Yo, I'm delivering weed.
LAZLOW: But, you--you're only like thirteen.
MAN: Exactly. I won't go to prison.
GIRL: Yeah, um, oh, my God, am I on the radio!?
LAZLOW: Do you not realize that? This is a microphone, stupid!
Alan McClean: Speaking gives an atmosphere of fear!.. Waterboarding gives an atmosphere of terrified respect!… I'm Alan McClean.. And I realized parenting books are easy to write when you re-purpose what you learned in the Marines about what breaks a man.. Let's face it.. Kids are rotten little SHITS!!.. I wouldn't be here today, if my parents hadn't smacked the SHIT out of me!.. Buy my book, "hitting kids works wonders”, today!.. And get respect from your kids!.. The government approved way!
Channel X voice: FUCK THIS FUCKIN SONG!!
Girl: Like earlier.. I saw, this girl dying.. But she wouldn't be dying if she had insurence.. So I walked away.
Man: Wow.. Did you even call an ambulance?
Girl: Coarse not.. Wouldn't give her the satisfaction.
Man: .. What happened?
Girl: Well... She died.. But she learned a VALUABLE lesson!
JUDGE GRADY: What? Look what's happened to you! Why you got a hyphen name? Why you gonna be half a man? She took away you manhood, she masculated you good and proper. You got some bitch's name on half your shit! Do you pee sitting down?
CHUCK: Ummm..... (audience moans)
JUDGE GRADY: DO YOU PEE SITTING DOWN?!
CHUCK: Well, we're equal partners and it's not fair that she has took the toilet up so I don't really mind...
JUDGE GRADY: Equal partners? You gonna give a woman's last name? I's surprised that you haven't started growing tits. For the love of all that is holy in the world...
CHUCK: You know the deal judge, I have to agree. I'll never get laid again.