#1:
Nostalgia Critic: DUMBASS! DUMBASS, DUMBASS, DUMBASS, DUMBASS! How much of a DUMBASS are you?! In fact, if you look up "dumbass" in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of...
[The Critic looks up the dictionary entry for "Dumbass," expecting to find a picture of Doug, but instead finds a picture of Tommy Wiseau by the entry]
Nostalgia Critic: WELL, IT SHOULD BE YOU IN THERE!
#2:
Nostalgia Critic: Pain is just God's way of telling you to try harder!
#3:
Mark: I used to know this girl who had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it, beat her up so bad she wound up in a hospital on Guerrero Street.
[Johnny laughs]
Nostalgia Critic: That's not funny, you sick fuck.
#4:
Owen: My God! That dinosaur that looks like a raptor, acts like a raptor, sound like a raptor and moves like a raptor... I think it's part raptor!
(NC, fed up, takes off his glasses, faceplams, and proceed to leave the room, with the camera following him)
NC: (offscreeen) No. No, No! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! (whimpering) NO, NO, NO, (see NC on the floor whimpering like a child) NO, NO, NO, NO! You can't be this stupid! You (uncovers face, which has now turned bright beetroot red with rage) CANNOT be this stupid! I mean, LOOK at that damn thing! OF COURSE IT'S PART FUCKING RAPTOR! IT'S LIKE 90% FUCKING RAPTOR, YOU GODDAMN MORONS!!
NC You know those sponge dinosaurs? The one you just add water to make them grow bigger? Well, DON'T SHOW THAT TO ANYBODY HERE, IT'LL COMPLETELY BLOW THEIR MINDS! They be like (now facing the triceratops) What's that? Oh, that's a triceratops. C'mon, everybody knows that. Oh, you're gonna add water. Well, I don't know what that's gonna-(water is added and the triceratops grows only a little bit bigger) OH, MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?! WHAT IS THAT?! OH, MY GOD, IT CHANGED INTO SOMETHING COMPLETELY UNRECOGNIZABLE!! I mean, (turns to the camera) I'm AMAZING at what I do, but this- THIS IS BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION!! OH, MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?!! (grows a little bit bigger and NC dives under his desk, while screaming)
#5:
Nostalgia Critic: So yeah, Lisa invites Mark over again, as Johnny finally heard the lie that Lisa told about him.
Johnny: [In a completely flat tone, despite his frantic gestures] I did not hit her. It's not true. It's bullshit! I did not hit her! [Throws down his water bottle] I did not. [Pause] Oh hi, Mark. [Cut to the Critic, mouth agape, then the scene starts to repeat itself before he interrupts]
Nostalgia Critic: No, no no no no, don't play it again. I think the evidence is very clear: that is the worst piece of acting that has ever been put on film. I mean, my God!
#6:
Johnny: The bank saves money and they are using me, and I am the fool.
NC: (laughing) No. Seriously, guys, come on. Where's the real actor?
#7:
Batman: 7 million. (he pulls out the Bat-credit card) Never leave the cave without it.
NC: BAT-CREDIT CARD?! YOU BASTARDS! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU! ALL OF YOU WILL DIE! YOU'LL GET THE GAS!
... (calms down) I mean....... RAPE MY CHILDHOOD WILL YOU, YOU'LL ALL DIE! YOU WILL ALL DIE- (is carried away).
#8:
Denny: I just like to watch you guys.
NC: (stunned again) Uhhhhhh...
#9:
NC: So... was that a charming scene, or should we be emotionally disturbed?
#10:
Blade: Some motherfuckers are always tryin' to ice-skate uphill...
Nostalgia Critic: That is a really weird note to go out on.
Nostalgia Critic: DUMBASS! DUMBASS, DUMBASS, DUMBASS, DUMBASS! How much of a DUMBASS are you?! In fact, if you look up "dumbass" in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of...
[The Critic looks up the dictionary entry for "Dumbass," expecting to find a picture of Doug, but instead finds a picture of Tommy Wiseau by the entry]
Nostalgia Critic: WELL, IT SHOULD BE YOU IN THERE!
#2:
Nostalgia Critic: Pain is just God's way of telling you to try harder!
#3:
Mark: I used to know this girl who had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it, beat her up so bad she wound up in a hospital on Guerrero Street.
[Johnny laughs]
Nostalgia Critic: That's not funny, you sick fuck.
#4:
Owen: My God! That dinosaur that looks like a raptor, acts like a raptor, sound like a raptor and moves like a raptor... I think it's part raptor!
(NC, fed up, takes off his glasses, faceplams, and proceed to leave the room, with the camera following him)
NC: (offscreeen) No. No, No! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! (whimpering) NO, NO, NO, (see NC on the floor whimpering like a child) NO, NO, NO, NO! You can't be this stupid! You (uncovers face, which has now turned bright beetroot red with rage) CANNOT be this stupid! I mean, LOOK at that damn thing! OF COURSE IT'S PART FUCKING RAPTOR! IT'S LIKE 90% FUCKING RAPTOR, YOU GODDAMN MORONS!!
NC You know those sponge dinosaurs? The one you just add water to make them grow bigger? Well, DON'T SHOW THAT TO ANYBODY HERE, IT'LL COMPLETELY BLOW THEIR MINDS! They be like (now facing the triceratops) What's that? Oh, that's a triceratops. C'mon, everybody knows that. Oh, you're gonna add water. Well, I don't know what that's gonna-(water is added and the triceratops grows only a little bit bigger) OH, MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?! WHAT IS THAT?! OH, MY GOD, IT CHANGED INTO SOMETHING COMPLETELY UNRECOGNIZABLE!! I mean, (turns to the camera) I'm AMAZING at what I do, but this- THIS IS BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION!! OH, MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?!! (grows a little bit bigger and NC dives under his desk, while screaming)
#5:
Nostalgia Critic: So yeah, Lisa invites Mark over again, as Johnny finally heard the lie that Lisa told about him.
Johnny: [In a completely flat tone, despite his frantic gestures] I did not hit her. It's not true. It's bullshit! I did not hit her! [Throws down his water bottle] I did not. [Pause] Oh hi, Mark. [Cut to the Critic, mouth agape, then the scene starts to repeat itself before he interrupts]
Nostalgia Critic: No, no no no no, don't play it again. I think the evidence is very clear: that is the worst piece of acting that has ever been put on film. I mean, my God!
#6:
Johnny: The bank saves money and they are using me, and I am the fool.
NC: (laughing) No. Seriously, guys, come on. Where's the real actor?
#7:
Batman: 7 million. (he pulls out the Bat-credit card) Never leave the cave without it.
NC: BAT-CREDIT CARD?! YOU BASTARDS! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU! ALL OF YOU WILL DIE! YOU'LL GET THE GAS!
... (calms down) I mean....... RAPE MY CHILDHOOD WILL YOU, YOU'LL ALL DIE! YOU WILL ALL DIE- (is carried away).
#8:
Denny: I just like to watch you guys.
NC: (stunned again) Uhhhhhh...
#9:
NC: So... was that a charming scene, or should we be emotionally disturbed?
#10:
Blade: Some motherfuckers are always tryin' to ice-skate uphill...
Nostalgia Critic: That is a really weird note to go out on.