If only he were female... Wait, what? No, that'd be weird. I never said that! >:I
Now this was a bloody hard decision, but I finally got off my arse and kicked and screamed until these lot finally fell into some sort of order.
Just because a heroine isn't on this list doesn't mean I don't love her. I mean, heck, I am restricting myself to 10! This list will be incredibly biased, bitchy and piss-taking. But you guys enjoy that, so don't be hypocritical and moan...
Jesus fucking Christ, this advert is pissing me off. GO AWAY. NO, I WON'T PLAY POKER WITH YOU. STOP BECKONING SUGGESTIVELY. It's more the way the animation keeps jolting back to the beginning like some shitty animatronic and her head suddenly jerks upright with this freaky forced smile before she beckons to me again like something out of Goosebumps. Please explain to me WHY this would make me want to play poker?
Anyway, maybe a bit late for a swearing warning, but in case you hadn't guessed... THERE'S GONNA BE A FUCKING LOT OF IT. On with the countdown!
I swear, if that Mole comes anywhere near me again, that punch will look like a loving caress.
Yes, Kida. I love Kida. Complain and I'll get Jessi Slaughter to "pop a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushy". LOLJK, her Dad'll just tell you that you dun goofed.
Lame internet jokes aside, I really do love this girl. HOW ELSE WOULD SHE MAKE IT TO THE TOP TEN? She's fun, awkward and doesn't hold back. She's a fighter and shows no interest in romance...
I'm going to kill this advert in a minute!
Anyway, yes, Kida. She's sexy, beautiful, spunky. My favourites always have to be like this. So you can stop praying for your D.I.D.s to get anywhere. I love her outfit, I love her voice, I love her multilingual skillz, I love her bluntness and, well, I just love Kida. Why else would I have the Atlantis storybook? Oh yeah, because that film is fucking epic and underappreciated. But Kida is STILL epic as hell, and she's one of the many things that made that film awesome.
"Oh, Pocahontas, you'd totally be number one in my countdown!" -- "...You white men certainly are weird, aren't you?"
You can boo and shake your head all you want, but Pocahontas is here to stay. She's always been a keeper for me. I loved her when I was 3 and I love her now. She's stunning, fun and she has a hot boyfriend... Until she dumps him for her family. Either way, I still love the girl. She's a great singer and she's just amazing to watch because she's athletic and her body has such an amazing shape to it. I mean, hell, SHE JUMPS OFF FUCKING CLIFFS. I like that ballsyness to her.
She displays that ballsyness time and time again. She confronts her father whenever she feels something is not right, she risks her life for John Smith and she always speaks her mind. Plus, she has wisdom far beyond her years!
To summarise, Pocahontas is a favourite that will be in my heart forever... No matter how much I want to cry at the end of that sequel when she's a complete bitch to Smithy. Great sequel, shit ending.
Oh no, she's at it again, isn't she? I'm not you, damnit!
In case I haven't mentioned it 50 times, me and Jane are stupidly alike. She's my clone. We're clumsy, passionate, ditzy, crazy and quintessentially British. And we'd probably both react in the same way to a guy greeting us by lifting up our skirt. Not that I'd ever be caught dead in a dress, but the poor girl had no choice in strict ol' Victoriana.
Anyway, yes. I love Jane. Mainly because I love some aspects of myself... The ones that are in Jane, of course... And I love laughing at the ones I'm not so keen on such as clumsiness and being a crazy, ditzy fool. I can relate to her like no other character. And that's why I love her. She should really be first by that, but idc. That would just be vain to put myself first!
"Look, everyone, calm down, I'm sure it's just a false al-" -- "NO CRYSTA, LOOK. SOMEONE DOES LOVE YOU!"
Here's a girl that gets nowhere near enough love. Not in the SLIGHTEST.
Sure, Ferngully isn't the best movie ever. But it's not the worst. The same goes for Crysta. She's got some spunk to her and she's absolutely stunning. I love her hair! Her outfit is pretty snazzy too, but good lord. Her hair... Oooooh, baby! If anything was going to turn me lesbian, it'd be that hairstyle recreated in real life and still looking awesome. But we all know that's not going to happen because it's an early 90s creation, and that's pretty much as bad as the 80s.
Anyway, Crysta. She's sweet and naive. I love her kindly curiosity. She sees a creature, and whilst the others are scared of it, she walks forward to help it and show the others that there's nothing to be afraid of. The way she helped Batty was so cute. I was like "Awwww!" but then Robin Williams started rapping and I forgot all about her.
The way she's all caring about the environment (which makes sense, as it's her home) is sort of cute and irritating at the same time, which is probably why she isn't my favourite. But she's another clutz that gets everything wrong. She's impulsive too, and I LOVE that. Who cares if you could die? You fly into Hexxus' mouth, girl!
6) Holli Would
Forget it. I don't want to be real anymore if people are giving me appreciation because I'm an immortal, hot doodle.
I wasn't originally going to put her in here because she's not child-friendly and she's a villain... But I really don't give a shit.
Holli, Holli, Holli. She belongs as a doodle because she loses a dimension to her character when she becomes a noid. She's so passionate about what she wants and everything else in life if we're honest. She's sexy, funny and full of spunk. She doesn't take no for an answer and she certainly isn't a sweet little law-abiding citizen. She's an amazing dancer and she may be a slut to the end but that doesn't matter to me. I still love her as a character and I probably always will do. Well done to Ralph Bakshi for bringing this outrageous little blonde to life in more ways than one.
If you haven't seen Cool World, you should definitely try it out. It's not for everyone, and it's number 10 in Nostalgia Critic's nostalgic mindfucks (which means nobody has any chance of understanding it) but it's worth a watch.
Hey, I'm Chel, I'm epic beyond belief.
I only saw Road to El Dorado rather recently and I absolutely loved it. It was funny beyond belief and really shows why Dreamworks make some of the best children's films. But my favourite character of all was Chel. As Miguel rightly said, for me this was more like Cheldorado!
She's funny, spunky and full of attitude. And good lord is she sexy! Her face isn't up to much. Cute at times, hot if she's lucky... But her body. Goddamn, that girl's got hips! And her outfit, damn. How was she keeping covered up as she ran away from those guards?! I think we all know where she was hiding those dice (and it can't have been comfortable). Tzekel-Kan really would have been thinking "lucky God".
...I think I should stop with the dodgy quote puns now. Either way, I love Chel.
"Girl, I just realised something!" -- "You have a book on your head?" -- "YOU'RE FUCKING ANASTASIA!"
She was originally going to be under Crysta, and then under Chel, but then I realised something. SHE'S FUCKING ANASTASIA. This is the girl that started everything for me. She's my favourite non-Disney girl for a reason.
You see, before I saw Mulan and fell in love with animation, I had all the princessy films. Pocahontas was my favourite but I felt like I needed more. Then along came Anastasia. Her reign didn't last long, but it was an important one. I fell in love with history, animation and spunk. A girl could have a backbone and refuse to be a damsel? Yes! Goddamn yes! This was what I'd been waiting for.
Anastasia has beauty to rival most and enough spunk to keep Megara running for years. She's a fighter, she's stubborn and she's edgy. Needless to say, I have loved her ever since. She's just amazing. No matter how old I get, I'll always look back on this fiesty little brunette not only as the one that started it all, but the one that started it all in such a fucking epic manner that she's stayed in my heart all this time.
That's it, choose my least attractive screencap. No-one will care.
Ahh, Mulan. She was my favourite for quite some time.
She's very much like me, though not quite as much as Jane is. I love how imperfect she is! She's so clumsy and awkward and useless that she is perfect. She's absolutely stunning and naturally beautiful. How the fuck did she pass as a man? Her voice is dazzling and I just adore what she stands for. I can't sit through Mulan without feeling a rush of pride from start to finish. You go, girl. You show those sexist bastards what you're made of! And, erm, save China from the Huns. But the sexist bastards is more important. That big "fuck you" to the Chinese army when they find out their best soldier is a woman who can't even pour tea properly... You wish cameras had been invented just to take a picture of the look on their faces!
No-one can truly dislike Mulan. She's just so lovable! And for me, she'll always be one of the best.
You hear that, so called "Princesses"? You ain't got nothing on the Queen of Wit!
Oh Megara, I love you. Oh Megara, I do. When we're apart, my heart beats only for you. LOLJK, you're only the number 2 spot.
Meg is just epic win in a tin. There's a phrase I haven't used in ages for you. Her voice is beautiful, she's fucking STUNNING, she has enough attitude and spunk to knock back Hades like 3 bottles of whiskey AND, most importantly, she sings the best Disney song ever. Her outfit and hair are beyond amazing and I could stare into her big purple eyes for years. She makes me lol my face off for all the right reasons and she's such a flawed and hurt character... She's just so REAL! She's suffered heartbreak and she's not perfect. And she's the only Disney heroine that holds the most important fact in life: Men are complete pricks. You go, girl.
Those spunk-filled hips (because that's what they're made of, hence their size) are just epic and she's so dainty. You really don't expect her to open her mouth and become so... so... so MEGARA! But still, nothing could ever beat the mighty one and only Goddess that is...
I'm so sorry if I made you hyperventilate from just how fucking amazing I am.
WHO ELSE COULD IT BE? No-one could ever be greater than darling Esme. She's more stunning and beautiful than the eyes can believe. Her hair is just... woah. It's so messy and out there and has that real "pfft, I'm a gypsy, I don't give a shit what I look like!" attitude to it but it's just so naturally beautiful and perfect! It always looks amazing, no matter how energetic she gets. And man does she get energetic! She's the best dancer ever, full stop. Her body is dazzlingly beautiful and the way it moves is just hypnotising. Her boobs are amazing and her waist... HER HIPS! Good lord, she looks like a real woman. Thank you so much Disney! Thank you for making her so perfect! No wonder even Frollo, a man that confined himself to a world without love, could resist that chunk of man-attracting beauty. This is how she gets 3 love interests, and the others get 1 if they're lucky. Some of them get 2, but no-one ever has 3! No-one's ever that fucking epic win in a tin. Except Esmeralda.
As if her looking like a God-sent gift isn't enough, she has the personality to end all personalities. She has spunk, compassion, kindness, a fiery edge, a whole bag of flirt up her sleeve and the rage of hell to unleash on anyone who wrongs her. Yep, sucks to be Frollo. She's a fighter and a right ol' spunky one at that. No-one fucks with Esmeralda. Not even an old pervy genocidal judge with a raging lust. Not even an old pervy genocidal judge with a raging lust that is voiced by the amazing Tony Jay (RIP) and has the villain song to end all villain songs.
Of course, none of this has anything to do with the fact that HoND is my favourite movie of all time. No! This has something to do with that. Even though my mum says "Pfft, based on indeed! Disney just stole the character names and relationships and then wrote their own story" and I was like "...You still love it though, don't you?" and she goes "Well, yes, it is of Disney's greatest masterpieces!" and I was like "And..." and she was like "Pfft, ok, you win. It can be the magnum opus. I never did like Beauty and the Beast ANYWAY."
...Standing aside from my random blabbering, Esmeralda is just an amazingly perfect epic win in a tin heroine. She lives with Clopin in the Court of Miracles and anyone that can place that next to their name deserves a medal of such epic proportions that it couldn't possible exist as it would be so epic that it would cause the world to implode from shock. I FUCKING LOVE THIS WOMAN, GAH. AND SHE'S NOT EVEN MY FAVOURITE DISNEY CHARACTER.
That's your lot. Sit back, relax and look at something interesting:
What? It makes ME lol.