Christian Bale: Hot or Not?
By Ted Berg

Christian Bale’s beauty cannot be put into words, but I will try.

That which does not kill Christian Bale only makes him hotter.

Before I expound, let me state for the record that I am a fiercely heterosexual man. I have engaged one woman to marry me and spend every morning on the subway attempting to engage several others in mutual eye contact. And it’s not because I am in any way nefarious. I am loyal; I just want women to acknowledge me in some small way because I find them mesmerizing. Achingly beautiful.

Just not quite as beautiful as Christian Bale.

Look at that man. If ever in art or in nature there has been conceived so perfect an example of the human form, I’m not familiar with it. Christian Bale makes Adonis look like Steve Buscemi. Just spend a moment appreciating that full head of hair, those knowing eyes and those perfect lips. That’s not the type of flawlessness we could dismiss with an adjective as simple as “handsome.”

The two things everyone's been talking about lately are Christian Bale's onset freakout and those ubiquitous 25 Random Things About Me lists. It got us wondering if maybe Christian Bale himself had made a list, so we hacked into his Facebook account. And then we made this fake list.

1) I ad-libbed all of Newsies. It wasn't even supposed to be a musical.

2) My philosophy: It's not who you are underneath, but how good you are at staying out of my fucking eye-line that defines you.

3) I lost my virginity to Miranda Richardson on the set of Empire of the Sun. In costume. Her costume.

4) If I've tagged you, it's because you're a f***ing professional.

5) Everything I need to know about anger management, I learned from Bill O'Reilly.
6) Everything else I learned from Alec Baldwin.

7) Six people played Bob Dylan in I'm Not There, but only one of us killed and ate a gaffer at the wrap party.

So, this is an article which I hope will get responsive articles, because I’m really quite interested in how most Baleheads stumble across Christian Bale.

In my case, the first film which I watched which he was in was Treasure Island. My mum had taped it off the television, and I was only a tiny little tacker, but it was love at first sight. Yes, Christian Bale was my first crush. Even now, many years later, I am still impressed by his incredible acting prowess at the age of sixteen. Every time the camera turned to him, he managed to completely own the entire screen, a shining star against a backdrop of a whole lot of numbskulls. The movie has this mystical aura to it which I simply adore. I can’t ever watch another version of Treasure Island uncritically. This one ruined them all for me. It’s just that perfect. At the time that I watched it, I didn’t register the whole Christian Bale part, which I’ll get to later, but now, as a fully fledged Balehead, I have had to face the problem of how to get it on DVD before I total my VHS copy from over-watching. First I tried my trusty friend, Amazon, but it let me down (for the first time), and all I could find was...