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How to Write a Bestseller Just Like Twilight

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8 comments

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laugh
Love the sarcasm, especially as it's written as if it isn't even meant to be that.
posted over a year ago.
 
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LOL
posted over a year ago.
 
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cruz said:
Great article. Maybe it will help some Twilight fans.
posted over a year ago.
 
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big smile
^ All we can do is hope, haha.

Great link.
posted over a year ago.
 
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smile
emisa123 said:
Ms. Rice deserves a hug:)
posted over a year ago.
 
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Satires are a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful thing. Or would this be sarcasm? Regardless, I ADORED it.
posted over a year ago.
 
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monkey
Impulse85 said:
I guess all of the teacher's I have in school for liturature are wrong then. I was told not to use big words where small one's will do, also becuase you can actually throw your reader off...That explains why I couldn't really understand Steph's work, but then again after whipping out a dictionary to figure out just what the Hell she was trying to say from time to time I found out she used a lot of her words out of context. She's great at what she does!!!
posted over a year ago.
 
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laugh
woofbark said:
I'll write the bestseller, funny and terrific Twilight reviewer from this link!

Chapter One: Chagrin

I stepped out of the car into Spoons. Spoons was a diminuitive municipal, and was quite dirty. The small town seemed so large to me. So endearing. I couldn't describe it. Yet I could. I could see the dusty old shacks that lined the cobblestone street. The rock brick street was long and narrow. I dreaded living in this smaller version of small city. Spoons.
My car glittered, gleamed, winked, scintillated, coruscated, and looked incandescent the whole time, blinding my fragile brown eyes. I gazed at my reflection. I was wearing normal clothes. My hair was short, straight, and chocolate brown, like my eyes. I know I'm a snowflake. Unique. Delicate. Pale. Yes, I am a snowflake.

Snowflakes also fall a lot-does that pain the snowflakes? It pains me when I fall. I fall more than every snowflake in existance. I am clumsy. I tripped over a pebble on the way to the car trunk. I felt such chagrin. Chagrin. Chagrin. Do snowflakes feel chagrin? I must be a red snowflake, I thought, If I blush so much!

Sendwerd heaved one of my brown leather suitcases out of the trunk. He didn't seem to breathe-I admired his fluid, quick motion and his topaz eyes. Suddenly, my delicate snowflake body began to swoon; I teetered on the edge of passing out. Sendward, I realized, must be my true love!

His pale arms glowed slightly: was that a trick of the light? It couldn't be, I wasn't glowing. I'm a unique snowflake, but I do not glow. I felt such chagrin as I stared as his inky black hair; it swayed in the wind. How wonderful he looked, his topaz eyes and extremely pale skin! With chagrin, I realized Sendward noticed my gaze. I blushed. I am a red, blushing snowflake.

I tripped over nothing and was hurtled through the air, towards the ground. No, I though chagrin-ish-ly. No! Not in front of my one True Love!

Suddenly, marble hands wrapped around me, and I opened my unique snowflake eyes. Standing, frozen like the statue of Adonis, was my angel, my protector, Senward. His topaz eyes gleamed, and his perfectly carved marble mouth was grinning.
"Lella," He said in his bell-like voice. The very air seemed to hold its breath in wonder. He was wonderful. Amazing. Like an angel. Like a statue of the loveliest angel in the universe! Each cell in this statue was expertly carved-perfectly smooth, like velvety granite. Granite, marble, and velvet. That describe him.
His nose was just the perfect size-his eyes glinted lovingly. He was my true love, I was his.
I was swept away, away from the streets of Spoons, up into heavens of velvet and granite, with a sky of marble. His topaz eyes were the two brilliant suns. I stared deep into them, and felt an attraction-we were two magnets! He was a planet of grace, wonder, and beauty and I was but a moon! I must follow him, I could not break apart from him. It was True Love I felt! True Love!

Away from these granite heavens I floated, the topaz suns beckoning me, pulling me with their misty look down to earth, where I continued staring deeply into those eyes. What an amazing feeling!
"We-we must be in true love!" I gasped to him. His marble lips opened, revealing pearly teeth.
"I am a vampire, Bella."
His voice was like silk, like velvet, like flowing, red lava-except that lava was cold and still. A vampire. But we were in True Love! This would not stand between us! He lifted me to my feet. Spoons. I loved Spoons.
posted over a year ago.