Princess Pea stood in the wedding gazebo next to Prince Bartholomew, with all eyes on her. She knew that everyone was waiting on her to say "I do" and make the union official. Come on, Pea,
she thought to herself...Two simple words and everything goes back to the way it was. You've been dreaming all your life of marrying a handsome prince and living happily ever after in a beautiful castle. Now all you have to do is say the word and it's yours. You can have what you envied from all the other girls you've met. You'll be blissful and merry like that flat-chested princess with the high pitched voice you met in the woods weeks ago. You'll feel accomplished and proud like that crossdressing Chinese chick you met. You'll have a man of your own like Jasmine, Cinderella, Ariel and Tiana. You won't end up in a tragedy like Pocahontas did. Maybe you'll even learn to love Bartholomew, the way Belle learned to love the Beast...
"Pea," whispered Prince Bartholomew, interrupting her train of thought. "Hurry up, you're embarrassing me."
"Oh," Pea's mind was elsewhere. "I..."
The crowd stared at the princess anxiously.
"I need a drink of water," Pea said. A butler immediately scurried towards her.
"Your highness, it'll be a few moments before we can get you some water. Right now all we have is the traditional celebratory champagne," he said in a British accent.
"Great, that'll do the trick," Pea popped open the bottle and poured it into a glass. She finished the glass in three seconds flat. The crowd was bewildered by her lack of etiquette and watched in shock as the princess chucked the glass on the ground casually.
"What are you doing?" asked Prince Bartholomew. Pea gazed into the audience and saw her mother, Queen Annalynne, looking furiously at her.
"Let's try this again, shall we?" asked the priest. "Princess Peanalita, do you take Prince Bartholomew to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
Pea didn't waste another moment. "I can't
," she replied. Everyone gasped.
"What do you mean, you can't
?" asked the prince through clenched teeth.
"Would you like me to find you a dictionary?" Pea rolled her eyes. "Or are your reading skills just as bad as your comprehension skills?"
"How dare you!" Bartholomew slapped Pea across the face. "Princesses must be respectful and worshipping towards their princes!"
"Apologize at once, Peanalita!" Annalynne stood up from her seat.
"Apologize?" Pea was astounded. "Are you crazy
? He just slapped me!"
"Yes, I did!" Bartholomew yelled. "Women who are disrespectful to their superiors get punished!"
"Then I suppose the same goes for men," Pea answered. With that, she punched the arrogant jerk in the face. "You know, I was gonna try and let you down easy but now that I see what a big, hairy dick you are, I'm happy to dump your sorry ass. In fact, why don't I just tell everyone here the truth? I'm in love with someone else! And even though he doesn't love me anymore, I'm not gonna marry some rich snob just so I can have a few nice dresses...okay a thousand really gorgeous
dresses with hand-stiched satin bows and the finest fabric from Europe...but you get my point." Princess Pea left Prince Bartholomew, who was on the ground tending his bloody nose. As she began to hurry down the aisle towards the exit, Annalynne stopped her.
"Peanalita, what do you think you're doing?" Queen Annalynne scolded. "You're giving up everything you ever wanted! And for what? Conrad doesn't even love you!"
"So?" Pea asked. "The last time I checked the solution to getting your heart broken wasn't marry some random dude with a fat wallet. If I go through with this marriage, I'll end up like you..."
"And what's wrong with that
?" Annalynne was offended. "I'm beautiful, powerful, and rich. What could possibly be more satisfying?"
"Yes, but you're also stuck-up, selfish, bitter, cruel, and disliked by practically everyone." Pea responded. "You know, before I got banished, I was on my way to becoming just like you, or even worse. But the day I left the castle was the day I realized I wanted all the wrong things in life. The reason I was such a bitch was because I wasn't really happy. And once again, I don't know where I'm headed, but I know that I have a better chance of finding happiness in the middle of nowhere than in some stuffy castle."
"Why, you ungrateful little brat!" yelled Annalynne. "I've given you everything you could ever want in life and this is how you thank me? I was a loving mother to you!"
"No! When the rest of our kingdom wanted me gone, you exiled me immediately to save your own reputation!" Pea kept walking. "Face it, Mother, you only love
me when I have something that will benefit you. Like this marriage, don't think I believed for one second that you actually give a rat's ass whether or not I'm happy."
"Where are you going, you silly girl?" Annalynne called after her. "You have nothing without me! Even that filthy peasant boyfriend of yours said you don't have a brain beneath that pretty face!"
,wait a second..." Something occured to Princess Pea. When Annalynne had given her the letter in which Conrad broke up with her, it was in an envelope, unopened. And after Pea read it to herself, she'd crumpled it up and thrown it away. So how on Earth could her mother possibly know in detail what Conrad said to her in the note? "YOU!" Pea stormed back over towards her mother. "You wrote that letter, didn't you?"
"What? I did no such thing!"
"Mother, that line didn't work when you tried to deny the botox and it ain't working now," replied Pea.
"I only did it to protect you," Annalynne tried to seem compassionate. "I knew you would be making a mistake to stay with that boy. So I did what was necessary for your own well-being."
"Wrong again, you did it to trick me into thinking that I should marry Bartholomew!" Pea cried. "How could you be so selfish? That's low even for you...breaking your daughter's heart and preventing her from being with her true love so that you can get more money!"
"What are you going to do about it? Slap me like you did the prince?" Annalynne asked. "You're still the weak little girl you've always been."
"No, I have a punch-no-more-than-one-person-a-day rule. However, I haven't done this
yet." Pea ripped off a large chunk of her wedding cake and threw it onto Annalynne.
"Later, Mommy Dearest. And don't bother trying to find me with that tracking device, I'm finally over the whole tiara trend." Pea skipped out of the back gates of the castle, off to find Conrad and set things right.
Princess Pea hurried outside the palace gates into the village. She ran along the cobblestone streets hoping to find some mode of tranportation. I've got to get back to Beast's castle, maybe Conrad is still there
, Pea thought hopefully to herself. Suddenly, she noticed a large carriage with a driver that practically had "stupid" written on his forehead.
"Yo, dude!" Pea yelled at him. "There's a hundred bucks taped to the back of your carriage." As the coachman stepped out to check the back, Pea hopped into the driver's seat and yelled. "Sorry, but this is an emergency!" She rode off on the carriage. A few hours passed and Pea finally found the castle. The Beast's castle looked as though it had been on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. It was no longer dark and gloomy but instead bright and beautiful. Pea hurried inside...
"Belle!" Pea cried out.
"Pea!" Belle hugged the princess. "We were worried, you just vanished so suddenly without saying goodbye! So much has happened since you left. Beast has transformed into a human! In fact, his real name is Prince Adam. You see, as it turns out, he and all of the people who lived in this castle were under a spell that could only be broken if-"
"Belle, honey, I don't wanna be rude but I really don't give a flying fuck
right now! I'm in the middle of a crisis!" Pea interrupted. "Where's Conrad?"
"He left right after you disappeared," Belle replied. "He seemed depressed about you leaving without notice."
"Damn it, how will I ever find him now?"
"Well," Belle thought for a moment. "When Gaston invaded the castle to attack Adam, he had the magic mirror...but he didn't have it when he went upstairs to find Adam...so...he must have left it around...here it is!"
"I know I'm gorgeous but how exactly is a mirror gonna help me?" Pea asked, as Belle handed her the mirror.
"It's enchanted, it will show you anything you wish to see," Belle answered. "Best of luck, Pea! I have to get changed, Adam and I are marrying this afternoon!" She hurried upstairs.
Princess Pea spoke to the mirror. "I wish to see Conrad." The mirror shone brightly and then showed Conrad. He seemed to be in a castle of some sort. Pea recognized it after a moment of brief confusion. "Hey, I've been to the castle before...years ago...when I was a little girl...We visited it one Christmas...Of course! That's King Stefan's castle! What the heck is Conrad doing there? I've got to get to him!"
Pea ran outside of the castle as night began to fall. She hopped back into the driving seat of the carriage and ordered the horses to take her to King Stefan's kingdom. Hours rolled by. Pea was cold, mierable and utterly convinced that the horses had no idea where they were going. Just as she was about to lose all hope, she realized they'd reached a forest. She jumped off of the carriage and ran through the woods. She saw the castle in the distance. The moon shone brightly. Pea ran as fast as her feet could carry her towards the castle. Everbody in the entire kingdom seemed to be asleep which Pea found rather peculiar. She hurried through the castle doors and found her way up a tower. She walked into a room where a beautiful girl was sleeping in a bed. The girl had long golden curls and wore a blue dress. She had a rose carefully tucked beneath her hands.
"Where is Conrad?" Pea wondered aloud. Suddenly, she heard voices approaching.
"Congratulations, Phillip! You've defeated Maleficent!" said one voice.
"Now you must awaken Rose with true love's kiss," added another.
Just then, a handsome prince and three plump little fairies came into the room.
"Who are you?" asked the prince.
"I'm depressed," Pea cried. "My one true love was supposed to be in this castle and I can't find him anywhere."
"Well, there's my
one true love," he pointed at the sleeping girl. He stepped towards her and leaned in for a kiss.
"Isn't that like date rape or something?" Pea asked as she wiped a tear off her cheek.
The girl's eyes opened and she smiled up at her prince.
"Oh, there's so much to explain!" said the fairy in blue while clapping excitedly. She flew over to the girl, who was getting out of the bed. "Rose, the boy you met in the woods just so happens to be Prince Phillip! The one you're betrothed to! So even though you have to marry a prince, it turns out the prince is the boy you wanted to marry all along! Isn't that wonderful?"
"Yes," replied the girl. "But what am I doing lying in a bed? The last thing I remember, you three brought me to the castle and I heard an eerie voice calling my name."
"Should we tell her?" the fairy in green asked the fairies in blue and red.
"Nah," they all agreed. "Aurora, all that matters is that you two are together at last." Aurora and Phillip hugged.
"You two are lucky, man," Pea spoke up. "Never take each other for granted. Because sometimes you lose the person you love before you get to tell them how you feel." She continued to cry.
"You poor darling!" said Aurora sympathetically. She hugged Pea. "I'm sure things will work out for you somehow."
"Now that I think of it...Fauna, Merryweather, we did meet a handsome young man earlier today, didn't we?" asked the fairy in red.
"Yes, Flora, you're right!" answered Fauna. "He said his name was Conrad."
"That's him!" Pea's heart filled with hope. "Oh, where did he say he was going?"
"Well," said Merryweather. "He told us that he had lost his one true love and felt like dying. We tried to make him feel better but nothing helped. We asked him if he'd mind watching over Aurora while we put the rest of the kingdom to sleep. He agreed politely...but if he's not here...there's a chance he...oh dear, there's a chance he might have run in to...Maleficent."
?" asked Pea.
"The mistress of all evil," answered Merryweather. "We must pray Conrad didn't cross paths with her...she's incredibly devious. She kills innocent people for the joy of it."
"You mean to say if Conrad went to the tower and Maleficent was there, he's probably...dead
?" Pea was horrified.
"Well, there's only one way to find out," said Flora. "Aurora, Phillip, you two must prepare for the ceremony."
"Good luck," Aurora waved goodbye to Pea as she and Phillip headed down the tower stairs, hand in hand.
"You, my dear, come with us," Flora told Pea. With a wave of their wands, the three fairies carried Pea throughout the castle. They searched everywhere, soaring through the sky. Princess Pea looked below them to see a balcony with Conrad lying on it.
"NOOOOOO!" cried Pea. The fairies sadly descended her onto the balcony. "Why is he lying there? Why would Maleficent just take his life away?"
"I'm so sorry, dear," Fauna was crying. "That's just how Maleficent's always been. She was heartless."
Rain began to pour down on the balcony. Pea lay on top of Conrad's lifeless body. She wished more than anything she could turn back time. "Conrad, wake up," Pea cried. "I don't know what my mother told you but it was a lie...please don't leave me like this...I'm alone in this world without you...wake up...I know I said I wanted a prince but I finally see that you
are my prince, you always have been...PLEASE..."
Pea sobbed, her tears landing uncontrollably as the rain poured down on her. "It's too late, you can't leave me, I'm already in love with you!" She lay her head on his breathless chest.
"There is, however, one remedy to Maleficent's spinning wheel curse," Flora realized. "The kiss of true love."
Pea turned back to Conrad's body and lifted his head up carefully. She gently kissed his soft lips. After a moment of thinking that Conrad would never come back to her, his eyes opened. He smiled up at Pea.
"Pea? W-What are you doing here? I thought you were in love with Prince Bartholomew..." he said, his voice soft and weak.
"Two words," Pea smiled down at him, half laughing, half crying. "Bullshit."
Conrad grinned and picked himself up off the ground. He lifted Pea into the air and spun her around. They kissed again.
The three fairies cheered gleefully. Princess Pea had found her prince at last. Even though he wasn't technically a prince, he was the prince for her.
The next afternoon, Princess Pea and Conrad married in the forest. Snow White, Mulan, Jasmine, Cinderella, Ariel, Tiana, Pocahontas, Belle, and Aurora were all present. From that day forward, Peanalita and Conrad spent their days together, madly in love.
Although they bickered occasionally, it was always led to sizzling hot make-up sex. Princess Pea had learned so many things over the course of her journey. She'd learned that true happiness can't be bought. She'd learned that princes can be more trouble than they're worth. Speaking of princes, after being abandoned at the altar, Bartholomew gave up on marriage and opened his own tattoo parlor...things are going great for him, if you exclude the fact he's being sued by Captain Hook for using an infected needle. Pea had also learned that there was a lot more to herself than a pretty face, great hair, and expensive clothes. Speaking of clothes and great hair, Queen Annalynne was soon exiled from her own kingdom and now spends her days selling her designer clothes for food on a street corner in Agrabah. Pea, however, was living blissfully with her man. Pea apologized to her father-in-law Leopold, who used to be her royal assistant, for all the years of hell she'd put him through. She sold all of her tiaras and used the money to build a fun boarding school for underprivileged little girls. She'd also learned that sometimes getting exiled from your own shallow life is just what you need to see the world more clearly. Princess Pea now lived in a medium-sized cottage in the forest with her non-royal husband. She opened a clothing shop in the comfort of her own home. They eventually went through the trials and tribulations of raising two daughters. Not exactly the happily ever after Pea had always imagined. In fact, in spite of losing a fortune, she had gained everything that truly matters. And Pea had never been happier.
"And not to be rude, but I'm like so
sure that my happily ever after is way better than yours!" Pea grinned.