Yes, you read it correctly...I'm writing what I DO NOT like about them...I thought it would be a refreshing change of pace from all the other articles I have written in the past couple of months. These aren't in any particular order...I just numbered them chronologically. Here we go...
**if you are easily offended, you might want to stop reading right here...ok, no turning back now...
Someday her puberty will come...
The voice....oh poor Snow White. I wish you would have hit puberty at some point during your movie so your voice wouldn't come across so irritating. Not like Jessica Rabbits voice by any means, but you get my drift. And you pretty much waltz into a strangers house, clean it, and rearrange everything without their approval; that takes balls.
So this? Is love? Hmm mmm??
This one is a tough one, with her being my favorite Princess and all. Oh Cinderella...it irritates the shit out of me that you put up with those three bitches. If it were me, I would have poisoned them LONG ago, and even though I am a huge animal lover I probably would've snuck some antifreeze in Lucifer's milk as well...evil damn cat. I don't blame you for up and marrying the Prince without even knowing him...sheesh...how else were you to escape that hell hole? But I just wish, for you, that he wasn't such a major douche bag.
I know you...you lurked with me once upon a dream...
Oh Aurora...you are so irritatingly perfect! Don't worry about listening to your three "Aunts" about talking to strangers...puh...what do THEY know? They can't even cook or clean the cottage. So, just walk around the forest, singing at the top of your lungs as if you are singing in an opera house, and maybe, JUST maybe, and stranger lurking nearby will hear you, and you two can break into song and dance with each other.
Up where they walk, up where they run, up where they stay all day in the sun with global warming...
When I hear the term "rebellious teenager" I immediately think of you Ariel. When someone tells you to go left, you go right. You want everything that you can't have...like legs. So you go behind your Fathers back, put your life on the line all for some BOY you only saw once? Thats just freaking nuts if you ask me...but, I am bitter and guarded from being hurt by guys, so this should not come as a shock. I just can't really relate to her and this decision. I believe in going after your dreams and achieving them, yes...but she didn't even know him! It is romantic in a way, but in real life it's just plain stupid and potentially dangerous...but it IS just a movie, so I'm going to calm down and take a xanax now.
I want adventure in the great wide somewhere...well, I think I do anyways...
Poor Belle...stuck in a small town with nothing to do....this I can relate to. I grew up in a town with one redlight. The biggest thing to happen there in the past 50 years was when they built a McDonalds. I got bored, and wanted adventure...so what did I do? I MOVED. Belle, if you are SO miserable and sick of a hot muscular stud muffin following you around, WHAT is stopping you sweet pea? Just leave. I did it, and it was the best thing I ever did for myself! I didn't sit around and complain...I made a move!
Maybe I don't wanna be a Princess anymore....wait...I changed my mind!
I thought I felt bad for Belle, but oh my! Jasmine has it SO much worse than she does. Stuck in a luxorious palace with servants and valets, and like the coolest pet EVER. Poor little rich girl. At least Jasmine did something about her unhappiness...she ran away...but without any money. Not so smart. If it weren't for Aladdin she would have gotten her sweet little hand chopped off.
I'm needed here...to stand on cliffs and look all serious.
How is it that Pocahontas it totally a badass, like jumping off of cliffs, and canoing down waterfalls, before meeting John Smith, and then all of a sudden she's so stiff and serious (haha I said stiff). One look at Smithy and she goes all twitter-pated on us. WTF. It's like she lost her entire identity...all because of a hard on. Figures.
We'll help you, wash and dry, just so later you can dress up as a guy.
Who doesn't like a good cross-dressing heroine? It's hard to pin point anything bad about Mulan. The only thing that gets to me is the lack of passion and love between her and Shang. But to his defense, he thought she was a he...but even after he finds out the truth he just leaves her in the snow to die *coughJERKcough*. Wow...he must really love her. Even after she saves China, he still can't tell her how he feels...basically it's Shang that bothers me, not Mulan!
I'm almost there...just have to work my ASS off for the next ten years...
I'm all for girl power, but this chick needs a chill pill (or one of my xanax!). It bothers me that she is so freaking uptight. Having a dream and a goal is one thing...but having it consume your entire being? Nah ah. Thank God for Naveen...no, really...THANK you God...for giving us that sexy man! He helped her to relax and have some fun, and made all of us swoon over a damn cartoon. Seriously, we all need some therapy for having the hots for a cartoon character. Another thing that bugged me about her is her accent. I'm from the south, and I don't sound near that bad as she does. They over-did that just a bit.
Anyways, hope I didn't piss anyone off. I'll be looking out my window now for torches and pitchforks!