The new lineup! But who'll come top?
Otherwise called "let's just stick Rapunzel in there as an excuse for a new article."
It's snowing heavily outside and I'm super ill and it's super cold and yeah... If I spell everything wrong and sound distracted then I can't really help it. I keep looking out of the window in awe whilst sticking tissue up my nostrils. The whole world is white... It's just BEAUTIFUL.
Anyway, yeah, I wrote an article months and months and months ago so I'm trying not to just replicate that. Because my list only ever
changes for a new princess. I like my rut, don't be mean to it.
So yeah, same thing as always, swearing as much as I fucking want and being blunt and mean and scary. ARTICLE TIME!
She looks pretty happy for someone that has such a "provincial" life that is totally awful and devoid of adventure.
Oh, this placement is such a surprise! It's not like I'm constantly slagging her off or anything, that would be a proposterous suggestion.
So yeah, Belle. I've always hated her. I hated her when I first saw BatB, I hated her when I saw BatB again and I hate her now. In fact, she's the reason I don't like BatB much. Her and the Beast being such a total pussy. I find her horribly plain and her attitude is SO irritating. Oh my, she reads! What a weird thing to do! It's not like women in that time were encouraged to be educated in order to gain a husband! And then how she goes on and on about fucking adventure all the time. If you want adventure then go fetch it! Your Dad will survive for a bit. You left him to be imprisoned, you let him leave to showcase his invention. He's a grown man, not a toddler. Even if she did go on adventure-searching, she's one of the few princesses that actually has the privelege to be able to return without consequence if it's not for her. The other princesses would kill
for that chance, and she just pretty much just throws it in their faces. She's just so proud that it makes me sick. Like the way she turns down Gaston. I mean sure, he's not the nicest guy in the world, but he'd give you a steady life with a comfortable income and food on the table. That's not something she can really afford to pass up. :/
Yeah, I think I should stop ranting now.
9) Snow White
The only 5 seconds in the whole film where she isn't stupidly happy about everything.
There are tons of things I like about Snow White but she irritates me so much that it tips the scales into almost-dislike.
She's just so bloody positive. I mean srsly, you can be sad for more than 5 seconds. And, of course, there's the voice. It's sort of sweet when she talks, but when she sings? Eek! Even dogs can't hear anything that
high. And whilst her naivity is sort of cute, it's also horribly stressful to watch. She really does take naive to a whole new level. That Queen was certainly not a sweet old lady by anyone's standards. Even Satan would have slammed the door in her face with fear. But no, not Snow. She's the sort of person that would skip into the road to pet the cars.
"But I don't understand. I thought I was meant to be the one that was asleep!"
Aurora is pretty easy to sum up - she's one big yawn. Her personality is vague, boring and generic, her singing (even though her voice is pretty beautiful) could be used as a lullaby, and her looks don't turn quite as many heads as the film would suggest. Maybe she'd turn heads in the 14th century, but nowadays... Not so much. The turning of heads onto pillows would be more accurate.
But let's be fair, most of this isn't her fault. She does spend like 15 of her 18 minute screentime knocked out like she's been 10 rounds with Mike Tyson.
Even her dress is kind, sweet and caring.
Cinders is kind and sweet and caring... and kind and sweet and caring. And then kind. Then sweet. Then caring. And that's about it. You can't dislike her because she just isn't dynamic enough. Maybe if she was more ballsy and had a better sense of humour then I'd like her more. She's slightly sarcastic but she has nothing on the Renaissance. I suppose that's why I'm more of a fan of the newer princesses. They've just got that oomph. That je ne sais quoi. That special quality that Cinders doesn't seem to have beyond her kind, sweet and caringness.
"Let's fight... For our right... To PARTAY!" "...But Ariel-" "Don't be such a GUPPY, Flounder!"
I really love Ariel. She's spunky and fun. She knows how to say no and she just oozes rebellion. She's sort of everything the classic princesses aren't and that's why I love her. Plus, she's a fucking mermaid, that overrules everything.
I love her ambition and determination to have an adventure every day. She's so sweet and cute in how she collects all the human stuff. I don't find her particularly selfish at all. She's very sheltered and she has a passion. Just because her family aren't prepared to support her doesn't mean she should give up on all she cherishes. If anything, I think that makes her more
determined to show them wrong and to show them that the things she love aren't evil or bad - they're just different.
Like I said, I really love Ariel. I just love the other princesses more.
"Don't forget to leave a tip!"
Yeah, most people will probably be gasping in horror that I've placed her so high, but I love Tiana. And I love her for pretty much the reasons other people don't.
I love how realistic she is. She doesn't have her head in the clouds and I love how she knows that she has to work hard to get her dreams rather than sitting around for a prince to come and save her. Her dream isn't silly or outlandish but she still won't settle for second-best. She knows what she wants and she goes out and gets it rather than waiting for it to come to her. That's
why I love Tiana. She's got the balls to make her own dreams come true. She, to be terribly cliche, never loses sight of what's really important.
That and she's really sweet and I love her accent.
"Yay, I'm 15 and I'm getting married off!"
Whenever I watch Aladdin, I end with a mindset of "JASMINE'S FUCKING EPIC!" and that she is. She's so snappy and sarcastic. I love her sass and how she always says it how she is. All she wants is a little freedom and she isn't prepared for some pompous prince to push her around.
Plus, she's super hot and that always counts for something. And she has awesomesauce facial expressions.
"Wow, these brutal racist white men are REALLY hot!"
A lot of people say that they don't like Pocahontas. That she's boring and lacks personality. But I've loved her since the first time I ever saw her. She's amazing! So fun and adventurous. She jumps over waterfalls, hugs bears, plays with birds of prey, goes swimming with all her clothes on and makes out with white guys that try to shoot her. And yet she's still so responsible and wise. She doesn't hate the white men because they're different. She's wary but she's also curious. Curious regarding things that are new and exciting. She's ballsy and won't hear a bad word about people she loves and cares for. She's never afraid to hide her emotions and she always voices her opinion. I love how in-tune with nature she is and how she never does things the easy way. Plus, she's so hot that everyone jizzes as soon as they see her.
"I'm not top anymore? DO YOU HATE ME? :'("
I love Mulan. I always have done. She's so much like me that I just connect with her. I love how smart she is and how she just wants to please her family, even though she keeps messing up. She's so clumsy and slightly lazy in how she avoids all her chores but she's still such a sweet and admirable person. She's always putting others before herself and looking out for the safety of people she cares for. She's so naturally beautiful and I love her voice. She's both physically and emotionally strong and... I just love her. No wonder she was my favourite for so long! But yeah, times change.
And the winner is...
"I mean just look at me, I'm so fucking adorable that I get TWO pictures. So suck on those eggs, bitches!"
Rapunzel is just amazing. I love her to pieces! She's just so sweet and adorable. She's positive, even though she knows her life sucks, and tries to enjoy herself throughout the day. She has a dream. It's a simple dream but she'd do anything to achieve it. Even kidnap a wanted thief and force him to help her. She's determined to just have one day where she can be truly happy. How fucking sweet is that? I mean aww!
And she's so friendly! She sees the best in everyone and she gives everyone a chance. Plus she's so fucking hyper and bipolar, she makes me lol my face off. I love how she finds pleasure in the smallest things and she cares for everyone.
In summary, Rapunzel is the best female Disney has made for a long time.
SO THAT'S IT. Everything zip and finished. The snow is reduced to a few random flakes now and the clouds are thinning. I'm still coughing but my nose seems to have stopped running.
If I find something humourous to weigh out how unfunny this article was, then I'll put it here.
LUL, DAVID TENNANT IN DRAG. /easily amused