"Oh, I LIKE IT denial! That's the first part of the grieving process. Now let's all hold hands"
"Next time don't get in my fuckin face!"
"I'm your fuckin nightmare!"
"This, is, the fuck, my friend"
"I'll rip your fuckin throat open, and stuff a turd down the hole!"
"What's your poblem eh? Why aren't you scared of me!?"
"Step wait up! Step wait up!"
"Annnd, back to normal. Whatever that is"
"Now go. I need to meditate. Orr, masterbate.. Or both"
"Grrr. I'll show you a fuckin mind fuck!"
"Nothing.. Well, It didn't sound like nothing. Didn't look like nothing. I don't THINK that it was nothing!"
"When ever you get a doubt in your mind. I want you to remember I'm watching though the scoop of a high powered rifle"
"(singing) I gotta taste for biker blood!"
"Cute but stupid"
"I don't even SOUND that Canadian!"
"Today is going one of two ways friends!"
"Your get worse than hurt!"
"What kinda animal do you take me for!? No I didn't kill him.. But I DID kidnap his wife!"
"Show me, we're it says, no pants is a rule"
"This is all I got okay! I had a tough out breaking. My daddy! Was not! Nice to me!"
"Give me my coffee or I'll cut your am off!"
"Run you little fuck!"
MICHEAL TOWNLEY/DE SANTA:
"You twisted fuck! Your a dead man!"
"Oh I'm living the dream baby. And that drem is fucked! It's fuckin fucked!"
"Your fuckin A right, it's sarcasm"
"YOUR FUCKIN A RIGHT I'M DERANGED! How could I not be!?"
"It's not suppose to go down like this"
"I did it again! I'm in hell. I'M! IN! HELL! Maybe hell is good. I belong in hell. I! BELONG! IN, HELL! Maybe I don't belong in hell. HELL IS BAD! I don't belong in hell! I don't belong anywhere. I'm nothing"
"Ladies and gentlemen! This is your moment! Please don't make us waste all the hard work your plastic surgeons have done. ON THE FLOOR! NOW!"
"We weren't casing the joint!"
"Fuckin A right!
"Fine as wine baby!"
"Nomba go fuck yourself!"
"Do I look like fuckin joke to you!?"
"Yeah! Your a couple of real badass's aren't you!"
"When I say you suck. I mean you really suck"
"We're making a new deal. You leave my people alone. And I don't throw you off this roof"
"You should see a doctor about that personality of yours"
"Oh, I'm about to feel some emotions alright"
"Fuck you! Ireland isn't the only thing green! Dollars are two!"
"Niko, me boy, that's because. You ain't Irish"
"Sure I know the difference between talking and casual sex. One leaves you, sad, and empty and alone. Annd, the other is causal sex"
"You aint taking me down!"
"We told you not to fuck with us!"
"Please, do not make me ice you!"
"Oh we're gonna play it real nice. Clean as a fuckin whistle"
"Jerry just likes to think he's better than everyone. That's why he's been married twice, and still won't admit he likes men"
"Look I know I seem like an hot head and an idiot.. I AM a hot head. And a bit of an idiot.. But I work"
"Fuck you! Take the needle out of your ear, than tell me what to do!"
"You got a good look to ya.. And I'm lucky with my gut feelings"
"Kill for me!"
"Help yourSELF fucker!"
"Being dead aint a problem. But being forgotten, now thats a bitch! I can't come back if nobody remembers! I can't come back if nobodies AFRIED!"
"Why won't you just fuckin die!"
"There is nothing to fear, but fear, himself!"
"I'll get you my pretty! and your little soul too!"
"Welcome to MY nightmare!"
"This, is god"
"How sweet.. You ugly little shit"
"Bon appate, bitch"
"One thing is for sure Luis. None of this would of happened if some one has taken my FUCKIN SUFERIN BIRD ALBUM!"
"What you all seem to be forgetting, is.. Anyone not wanting to go to war. Is gay"
"Don't you see what your doing! Your treating her like a human being! Girls HATE that!"
"Oh no Connoy is unconsious. I better lay on top of her.. What are you looking at! It's a cartoon!"
"Well if there's anyone I could trust. It's a a strange man at a gym, holding a dirty needle"
"Please describe to me exactly what I did wrong"
"It's just been revolt"
"A law in every turn, and a cap in every ass!"
"We shall call it Quohaq, everyone gets equal rights... Except blacks, asains, chinesse, anyone not from England, Ireland or Scotland.. But only certain parts Ireland or Scotland. Just pure blooded whites.. You know what, not éven whites, nobody gets rights... Ahhh, America"
"Here's our next crossover story. You know that Steven King book with the two twins and the dad that tries to chop them with an axe. Can't you see Stewie doing THAT!?.. And now here's Saw sank redemption"
"I believe everything, everyone tells me, everywhere"
"Wait a minite.. That is the smartest thing I ever heard about anything"
"Oh Brain. Your such ants a picnic"
"fat guys aren't fat. Only fat girls are fat"
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
[the whole class gasps]
Mr. Garrison: [furiously] What did you say?
Cartman: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was...
[Cartman picks up a megaphone]
Cartman: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, MR. GARRISON?
"Are you crazy!? I'm the candy master!"
"How come everything today has involved things either coming in or going out of my ass?"
"Hey! Hey, what is this?! Some sort of sick prank?! I get the greatest thing ever just to have it taken away?! Why did you do this to me, God? Next time you're gonna get my hopes up, could you please take me to a grease monkey? 'Cause I like to get lubed before I get FUCKED! Huh?! Some lube would be nice! Or at least a courtesy lick, God! How about a little courtesy lick next time you decide to FUCK me! [a bolt of lightning strikes Cartman and the power goes out]"
Fuck off, you donkey-raping shit eater."
"Okay, you guys, this joke has gone far enough! There were no aliens! They didn't give me an anal probe and they can't control my mind! [suddenly an alien spaceship zaps him and he starts to sing]. I love to singa / About the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a / I love to singa / About a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a / Anything with a swinga to an I love you-a / I love to, I love to sing."
"I'm not fat, I'm big boned"
"Look, I'm sorry for nearly getting you guys rapped"
"Don't ask why Kenny decided to be a chick, it just seems to be the way he's rolling right now."
"I hate hippies.. They say they wanna save he earth. But all they do sit and smoke pot all day"
Alucard: Now, I know what you’re thinking: “How did all this come about?” Well, it all started on a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear, the moon was full. I was dying to sink my teeth into something. Get it? Because I'm a vampire. Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… It’s funny.
Homicidal Priest: So, you came. Too bad you’re far too late.
Homicidal Priest: Everyone else is already dead. Except this little tart. But trust me, I still plan to kill her.
Alucard: (unconcerned) Mm-hmm.
Homicidal Priest: But first, I’m going to rape her!
Alucard: (unconcerned) Neat.
Homicidal Priest: But before I can do any of that... I’m going to kill YOU!
Alucard: Oh? See, that would be intimidating, if you were… well, intimidating.
Homicidal Priest: Gr-r-r, are you mocking me?!
Alucard: No.. No,no,no,.. Pfft, yeah! (shoots the Priest dead).
Alucard: Oh, yeah. Forgot about you. Sorry about that whole “shooting you” thing, but I know if you look deep into your heart - which is currently all over that tree - you’ll find a way to forgive me.
Police Girl: [dying] Guh… gah…
Alucard: Awww, geez, you look like a puppy. A blonde, eviscerated puppy.
Police Girl: [still dying] Gah… *tear*
Alucard: Christ! Fine! I’ll help you! But only because you got nice tits.
Integra: You need to stop going on walks.
Alucard: And you need to hurry up and hook up some god-damned DSL in here!
Alucard: Sweet Black fucking Sabbath! If I wasn’t holding out for that beast of a woman Integra, I’d fuck the red right out of those eyes. [Seras gets stabbed by holy sacred bayonets in the back] Well… kinda like that, only with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina.
Anderson: How the blood-soaked protestant hell did you do that?!
Alucard: Fuck you, that’s how.
Integra: Over the last couple of years we've had some... expensive claims...
Alucard: Like what?
Sir Integra: First off -- property damage.
[cut scene of an explosion and people running away from OVA 6]
Alucard: Good times.
Sir Intergra: Dozens of noise complaints...
[cut scene to Police Girl and Alucard blasting Nobody by Skindred]
Alucard: Sorry! I can't hear you!
Integra: Killing at least a dozen innocent people...
Alucard: Oh, so did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a fucking Oscar for it!
Integra: And, all of the sexual harassment.
Alucard: ... I'm not apologizing.
Alucard: Come on! You were talking all of that good shit a second ago, then I blew your fucking legs off!!
Luke Valentine: But, I... you... what the fuck?!
Alucard: What's wrong demi-god? Just grow back your legs, (As he SMASHES the leg in his hand!) summon up your demons, hit me; FIGHT ME!!! Give me a hug~!
Luke Valentine: Really...? (Baskerville the AFOREMENTIONED Big Black Dog descends upon him as a certain soon-to-be bloody Valentine cries: ) OH GOD NO-!!!
[Cut to conferance room phone, as the committee members and Integra listen to Luke being violently eaten alive. By the Big Black Dog. Integra smiles wryly.]
Alucard: (on speakerphone): We're here on Epic Meal Time!! I'm the sauce boss, and tonight, we're eating this blond little wannabe demi-god bitch!
Alucard: It was the Nazis, wasn't it?
Sir Integra: No!
Alucard: Bet you I'm right!
Sir Integra: Bet you you're wrong!
Alucard: Bet you you're a skank~!
Sir Integra: Bet you you're an asshole!
Alucard: BITCH, I EAT PEOPLE!
Alucard: (appears though wall) HEY KIDS WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY!?
Integra: What did you do?
Alucard: Alright. (Alucard over the phone) But you can't be mad at me.
Integra: What did you do?
Alucard: Okay, first, I was minding my own business-
Integra: (Slams hand on table) BULLSHIT!!
Alucard: (Whining) I was!!!!
Integra: And exactly what happened whilst you were minding your own business?
Alucard: So I was just chillaxing in my room like a baller and then all of a sudden these schmucks kicked in my door!
[Door gets kicked in by B.O.P.E. forces, as Alucard recounts his trial of tribulation.]
Alucard: One of them yelled out: (Cut to the B.O.P.E. Schmuck.)
Schmuck: GET ON YOUR KNEES!
Alucard: And I responded with: (Cut to the past.) I fucked your mother last night!!
Alucard: And they took exception to that. (Raging gunfire ensues, as the Schmuck emits a war cry, and Alucard's body gets shot to the ground. Not Dead, by the way. KThxDie.) But you know how that song and dance goes. (Men screaming as they die) And I killed all but one of them.
Integra: What happened to the last one?
(Man whimpering and shoots himself in the head.)
Alucard: PUSSED OUT LIKE A BITCH!!
Alucard: Silver lining? I can cancel my room service!
Alucard: You're right. Enough focusing on the past. Instead, let's focus on the past! [We see flashbacks to his and Walter's battles with the Nazis, considering we're a bit too early to Abridge the Dawn.] Back in World War II, Walter and I were part of a top-secret government operation called "Operation: Kraut Control". Walter was fifteen, and I'm pretty sure if I'm remembering correctly, I was a girl.
Reggie: Wait a second, but that implies that the Queen-
Alucard: INTERRUPT MY STORY AGAIN, REGGIE! SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!
Alucard: (laughing) HE'S STILL SO FUCKIN FAT! He's like a Nazi Louis C.K.! Wait wait no no, Jim Gaffigan! Jim Gaffigan!
Alucard: Walter, do you know what my top three favorite things I've killed are? Third is the Turks. Second is Nazis. Can you guess the first?
Walter: Your father?
Alucard: (Claps) Nailed it!
Alucard: The Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird. An advanced long-range strategic reconnaissance aircraft capable of Mach 3 and an altitude of 85,000 feet.
Integra: You sure do seem to know a lot about it.
Alucard: DO YOU EVEN READ MY CHRISTMAS LIST?!
Alucard: LET ME HAVE MY NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS MOMENT!!
abridged JAN VALENTINE
Guard: Stop.. This is restricted area!
Jan: Aw man, that totally sucks! And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England!
Guard: Oh yeah. Where from?
Jan: (Jan snaps his fingers, summoning countless machine gun barrels; MP5 NavySuppressor, to be exact, from the bus behind him) Texas! [Sub-Machine gun fire; guards killed].
Jan: Aww shit.. I guess we need more preyer in school!
Walter: (grabs Jan's arm) I got your arm!
Jan: (his arm tears off) SO SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!
Jan: Well, you have fun with that, bro. I'm gonna go skull-fuck that Hellsing bitch... And the old guys... Ah, fuck it. Skull-fuckin' for everyone!! Come here, ghoul!!
Jan: Alright, alright... what you do, is you go down to the local pharmacy, ask for something called Viagra, and it will help you go fuck yourself!
Jan: [Laughing] I don't know what's fucking funnier, the fact that you think that your titless ass intimidates me, or that you think my boss would let me live if you did! (Is suddenly enveloped in blue fire) AND NOW I'M ON FUCKING FIRE! SO NOW IT'S FREE GAME!!
Sir Integra: Communications, come in! We need a full report.
Man On Phone/Communications: [weeping]
Jan Valentine: Read the fucking paper.
Man On Phone: Hey there, Integra,
Jan Valentine: Read it fucking RIGHT, cockhole!!
(Clubs Communications just as he says Right!)
Man On Phone: Hey there... you... fat English whore!
Jan Valentine: That's more like it, now keep going!
Man On Phone: Me.. and my big brother Luke... are killing all of your men... and turning them into ghouls. So... I... hope... you've made peace... with yourself... 'cause when I find you... I'm gonna... oh god!
Jan Valentine: Keep reading, or I shoot the other testicle!!
Man On the Phone: Cause when I find you, I'm gonna fuck every hole you've got! And then I'm gonna just keep making more holes to fuck, until there's nothing left but your ruined corpse full of blood... and semen... Oh god, this is horrible!
Jan Valentine: You ain't finished yet!
Man On the Phone: So prepare your dried-up pussy... for my huge vampire cock. Now, pardon me, while I blow this faggot ginger's brains out -- OH GOD NO-!!!
Jan Valentine: [laughing] His fucking face, man! Oh-ho ho ho fuck!! Oh, now that shit is priceless!