A/N: heres chapter five; this is the last one i already wrote, so chapter six is still in the worx ;) as always, enjoy!
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Two Awkward Minutes Later
“Kids…” Elliot said unsurely. “Go upstairs and unpack all of your stuff. I’ll be up there in a few minutes.”
I couldn’t take my eyes off of Dickie, wondering how so much hate could be conveyed in a single look. It utterly broke my heart to see a child of Elliot’s, especially one that looked so much like him, have that look towards me. The last had been Kathleen, before she realized that I never had meant to break her family apart. Obviously, Dickie had taken on his sister’s old attitude towards me.
Elizabeth was the first to break the tension by picking up her suitcase and lugging it towards the stairs past the living room. Dickie followed, but only after giving me one last, final glare.
It wasn’t until they were out of sight that Elliot spoke.
“Liv,” he said urgently, stepping towards me so that there was a bit less than a foot between us. “What’s wrong?”
It was at that point that I realized I was crying. Not much, but a single tear somehow managed to make it past my self-control barrier. He came closer and reached up, wiping away it away. I can’t believe he did that. It was just so…intimate. Something that lovers did, not best friends who had already crossed their unspoken line quite a few times already in the same day. First with waking up, then with the hug(s), and now this.
“Liv, talk to me.” His brow furrowed even more. “What’s wrong?”
His face showed confusion, yes, but even more so concern. It touches me to my core, knowing that he really does care about me. Everyday I can’t help but wonder just how much he cares…
“El…didn’t you see the way he looked at me? He…” My internal levee began springing more cracks. “He can’t stand me. He hates me, because I’m what tore your family apart, and I’m so sorry El, about all of this…I messed up your family, made you put up with all of my shit, and now I’m blubbering like a fucking baby because of what I caused.”
By this time I can’t even begin to control myself. Letting the tears finally fall for everything.
My mother, Sealview…El’s family. My lack of one. All of the times we weren’t sure if we’d ever make it out of certain situations, like with Stucky and Gitano, the countless times one of us has been shot, injured, or held hostage. Like I said, everything. And the worst part is that I cant even control myself like I usually can, and I hate that. Not being able to stay in complete control of myself always makes me feel weak.
“Shh, Olivia,” he whispered, pulling me into his chest for a record third time today. He rocked us back and forth as I cried, cried, and even more so cried. It seemed as if I would, or could, never stop.
I have no idea how long we stood there.
It could have been minutes or hours. The pain that I felt, however, was unbelievable.
One thing that interests me is how we have never been like this before. I have never openly cried in front or around him, nor anybody else for that matter. If I have a say in it, that is.
He’s never held me when I cried, most definitely. That was a line that we never, and I repeat, never crossed.
But we’ve crossed it now.
And there’s no going back, no matter what.
_________________________________________________
Stabler Residence
4:13 P.M.
After I had my breakdown, El told me about how Kathy had gotten a high-paying job in Chicago, and didn’t want to take the kids with her. The venom in his voice was unmistakable, especially for someone who is as close to him as me.
“She doesn’t want responsibility for them anymore. I suppose she thinks that by running away she can just start over, and act like she doesn’t have four children anymore.” He spit out the sentences angrily.
“El,” I said calmingly - and warningly. Three of the kids he spoke of were just upstairs. Kathleen had gone to sleep soon after we had arrived. I opened my mouth to reply when he cut me off.
“Please don’t try to make excuses for her.”
I frowned. This won’t be easy.
“El, she’s just trying to find herself again. After 20 years of her life -”
He jumped off the couch and onto his feet in one swift motion.
“She’s running!” He yelled, not even bothering to restrain himself. “She doesn’t give a fuck if I can’t afford two kids on my own! She doesn’t care about anything except herself!”
He has a point but still…
“El, she’s probably just con-”
“Don’t fucking tell me she’s confused, Benson!”
That son of a bitch. How dare he.
“Benson? Benson?” I’m so pissed right now. He has no right.
“Yeah, Benson!” He shot back, his eyes a stormy midnight blue.
“So that’s how you wanna play? After today, you’re going to be a total ass to me, just because you’re pissed at your ex? Who you left and then proceeded to sleep with two years after the fact? Huh? And you’re taking it out on me because she’s running! Maybe this is why she left!”
“Well yeah, I guess you’d know all about running, since it seems to be the only thing you’re good at anymore!”
I feel as if he just sucker punched me in the stomach. How dare he. I came back. All of my anger is gone now. Just…
“And you know why went back to her? You left! I had no fucking one, Olivia, no one.”
He grit his teeth, before punching the wall, denting it slightly. His rapid breathing eventually slowed, and he finally looked at me.
Hurt is written all over my face, and the tears cascading seem to get his attention. I bit my lower lip, struggling not to cry. Two sobs escape me, and as soon as they do, I hide my face from his view with one hand before running towards the door, blindly stumbling.
I never even heard him behind me as he grabbed my other hand and forced me to turn and face him.
“Don’t touch me!” I screamed at him. “You son of a bitch! I ran because you couldn’t deal with us being partners after Gitano! And if I remember correctly, you were the one who said that we couldn’t be partners anymore! All I did was exactly what you said we’d have to do! Split! Goddamn you Elliot Stabler! Goddamn you.”
I whispered the last sentence as tears flowed down my face and onto the carpet beneath our feet. His face is pain stricken, as I’m sure mine is too.
“Olivia…” he reached for my arms, which were folded across my chest in an attempt to keep myself from falling apart. I shrugged out of his reach, taking a step back. I looked everywhere except at him, though his eyes sought mine desperately.
“Liv, I didn’t ever want you to go. Ever. Please understand that,“ he exclaimed earnestly.
This didn’t make any sense. He had said that we couldn’t be partners, not me.
My watery brown eyes met his now medium shaded blue ones.
“But you said…” I trailed off. I can’t believe that I’m crying in front of him. Again. I really need to stop this.
“I meant,” he began softly, “that our friendship couldn’t affect our partnership, even though it always has, and always will. I was stupid, but I didn’t want to see you go. Especially then.”
He took another step towards me, and I tensed when he gently held my elbows between us. His words ran through my head from that day, oh so many years ago.
“…otherwise…we can’t be partners.”
He was scared when he realized that I couldn’t take the shot. Afraid that one day, my hesitation could cost me my life. He was afraid for me and pushed me away to keep me safe. All it did was break us.
Just like we have been ever since then. Broken.
Occasionally, the pieces would fall together and we would get so close to being the same as before…but never quite making it.
And now everything was making sense.
“El,” I whispered, before uncrossing my arms and burying myself into his chest. His arms wrapped around me tight, pulling me even closer to him so we were flush against the other.
***********
Neither of them noticed the sisters who looked at each other in shock, before creeping silently back upstairs.
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A/N:So? whatcha think? this is like my 2nd time EVER writing angsty-ish stuff so...tell me what you think! Review please, my readers! :)
________________________________________________
Two Awkward Minutes Later
“Kids…” Elliot said unsurely. “Go upstairs and unpack all of your stuff. I’ll be up there in a few minutes.”
I couldn’t take my eyes off of Dickie, wondering how so much hate could be conveyed in a single look. It utterly broke my heart to see a child of Elliot’s, especially one that looked so much like him, have that look towards me. The last had been Kathleen, before she realized that I never had meant to break her family apart. Obviously, Dickie had taken on his sister’s old attitude towards me.
Elizabeth was the first to break the tension by picking up her suitcase and lugging it towards the stairs past the living room. Dickie followed, but only after giving me one last, final glare.
It wasn’t until they were out of sight that Elliot spoke.
“Liv,” he said urgently, stepping towards me so that there was a bit less than a foot between us. “What’s wrong?”
It was at that point that I realized I was crying. Not much, but a single tear somehow managed to make it past my self-control barrier. He came closer and reached up, wiping away it away. I can’t believe he did that. It was just so…intimate. Something that lovers did, not best friends who had already crossed their unspoken line quite a few times already in the same day. First with waking up, then with the hug(s), and now this.
“Liv, talk to me.” His brow furrowed even more. “What’s wrong?”
His face showed confusion, yes, but even more so concern. It touches me to my core, knowing that he really does care about me. Everyday I can’t help but wonder just how much he cares…
“El…didn’t you see the way he looked at me? He…” My internal levee began springing more cracks. “He can’t stand me. He hates me, because I’m what tore your family apart, and I’m so sorry El, about all of this…I messed up your family, made you put up with all of my shit, and now I’m blubbering like a fucking baby because of what I caused.”
By this time I can’t even begin to control myself. Letting the tears finally fall for everything.
My mother, Sealview…El’s family. My lack of one. All of the times we weren’t sure if we’d ever make it out of certain situations, like with Stucky and Gitano, the countless times one of us has been shot, injured, or held hostage. Like I said, everything. And the worst part is that I cant even control myself like I usually can, and I hate that. Not being able to stay in complete control of myself always makes me feel weak.
“Shh, Olivia,” he whispered, pulling me into his chest for a record third time today. He rocked us back and forth as I cried, cried, and even more so cried. It seemed as if I would, or could, never stop.
I have no idea how long we stood there.
It could have been minutes or hours. The pain that I felt, however, was unbelievable.
One thing that interests me is how we have never been like this before. I have never openly cried in front or around him, nor anybody else for that matter. If I have a say in it, that is.
He’s never held me when I cried, most definitely. That was a line that we never, and I repeat, never crossed.
But we’ve crossed it now.
And there’s no going back, no matter what.
_________________________________________________
Stabler Residence
4:13 P.M.
After I had my breakdown, El told me about how Kathy had gotten a high-paying job in Chicago, and didn’t want to take the kids with her. The venom in his voice was unmistakable, especially for someone who is as close to him as me.
“She doesn’t want responsibility for them anymore. I suppose she thinks that by running away she can just start over, and act like she doesn’t have four children anymore.” He spit out the sentences angrily.
“El,” I said calmingly - and warningly. Three of the kids he spoke of were just upstairs. Kathleen had gone to sleep soon after we had arrived. I opened my mouth to reply when he cut me off.
“Please don’t try to make excuses for her.”
I frowned. This won’t be easy.
“El, she’s just trying to find herself again. After 20 years of her life -”
He jumped off the couch and onto his feet in one swift motion.
“She’s running!” He yelled, not even bothering to restrain himself. “She doesn’t give a fuck if I can’t afford two kids on my own! She doesn’t care about anything except herself!”
He has a point but still…
“El, she’s probably just con-”
“Don’t fucking tell me she’s confused, Benson!”
That son of a bitch. How dare he.
“Benson? Benson?” I’m so pissed right now. He has no right.
“Yeah, Benson!” He shot back, his eyes a stormy midnight blue.
“So that’s how you wanna play? After today, you’re going to be a total ass to me, just because you’re pissed at your ex? Who you left and then proceeded to sleep with two years after the fact? Huh? And you’re taking it out on me because she’s running! Maybe this is why she left!”
“Well yeah, I guess you’d know all about running, since it seems to be the only thing you’re good at anymore!”
I feel as if he just sucker punched me in the stomach. How dare he. I came back. All of my anger is gone now. Just…
“And you know why went back to her? You left! I had no fucking one, Olivia, no one.”
He grit his teeth, before punching the wall, denting it slightly. His rapid breathing eventually slowed, and he finally looked at me.
Hurt is written all over my face, and the tears cascading seem to get his attention. I bit my lower lip, struggling not to cry. Two sobs escape me, and as soon as they do, I hide my face from his view with one hand before running towards the door, blindly stumbling.
I never even heard him behind me as he grabbed my other hand and forced me to turn and face him.
“Don’t touch me!” I screamed at him. “You son of a bitch! I ran because you couldn’t deal with us being partners after Gitano! And if I remember correctly, you were the one who said that we couldn’t be partners anymore! All I did was exactly what you said we’d have to do! Split! Goddamn you Elliot Stabler! Goddamn you.”
I whispered the last sentence as tears flowed down my face and onto the carpet beneath our feet. His face is pain stricken, as I’m sure mine is too.
“Olivia…” he reached for my arms, which were folded across my chest in an attempt to keep myself from falling apart. I shrugged out of his reach, taking a step back. I looked everywhere except at him, though his eyes sought mine desperately.
“Liv, I didn’t ever want you to go. Ever. Please understand that,“ he exclaimed earnestly.
This didn’t make any sense. He had said that we couldn’t be partners, not me.
My watery brown eyes met his now medium shaded blue ones.
“But you said…” I trailed off. I can’t believe that I’m crying in front of him. Again. I really need to stop this.
“I meant,” he began softly, “that our friendship couldn’t affect our partnership, even though it always has, and always will. I was stupid, but I didn’t want to see you go. Especially then.”
He took another step towards me, and I tensed when he gently held my elbows between us. His words ran through my head from that day, oh so many years ago.
“…otherwise…we can’t be partners.”
He was scared when he realized that I couldn’t take the shot. Afraid that one day, my hesitation could cost me my life. He was afraid for me and pushed me away to keep me safe. All it did was break us.
Just like we have been ever since then. Broken.
Occasionally, the pieces would fall together and we would get so close to being the same as before…but never quite making it.
And now everything was making sense.
“El,” I whispered, before uncrossing my arms and burying myself into his chest. His arms wrapped around me tight, pulling me even closer to him so we were flush against the other.
***********
Neither of them noticed the sisters who looked at each other in shock, before creeping silently back upstairs.
_________________________________________________
A/N:So? whatcha think? this is like my 2nd time EVER writing angsty-ish stuff so...tell me what you think! Review please, my readers! :)