At the crack of dawn, the next morning, Cartman drove to the gynecology office to apply for a job. He illegally parked in the “handiquacks” parking space, which happened to be closest to the front glass doors, and slammed the door on his rusty red 1974 bmw. He fumbled with the faux-gold doorknob, for a minute, cursed under his breath, and then when he finally got the slender door open, he noisily let himself in. The first thing he noticed: IT WAS CHICK FUCKING CENTRAL, UP IN THERE! Like, he was SURROUNDED by tits! Oh, man, if he were two years older, and WASN’T on a “mission,” he would TOTALLY have a raging boner! He kept walking past the hot babes, and made his way towards the front desk, where Dr. Kenneth McCormick was standing, with his bitches, er- I mean nurses. The nurse on the left was an African-American. Nurse Nicholle. She was slightly chubby, but not as chubby as CARTMAN used to be, before he “muscled out” in high school. The nurse on the left was Nurse Bebe, or as her ex-best friends called her, “Nurse Barbie.” They both fashioned an ensemble that looked like … well … imagine if Hooter’s Girls worked at Steak-N’-Shake. Kenny, on the other hand, wore what ERIC calls “man-scrubs.” Just your typical blue doctors outfit, with a mask and “shower cap.” From a distance, Kenny held up what LOOKED to be a dildo, or an Ultra- Vibe Pleasure 2000 that was turned on, or something. Whatever it was, it was six inches long, and made the two girls giggle in pleasure. Kenny smirked sexily. Once Cartman reached the desk, he looked down and cleared his throat, attempting to get someone’s attention.

“uh … ahem …”

“haha, girls, girls, give me some space, you’re wearing me out! ….. Yes, can I help you, fatass?” The doctor asked, finally putting Cartman on the spot.

“My stupid meem wants me to get a butt-fucking job”

“Oh, so those 17 years worth of prostitution dinero FINALLY ran out on you two, eh?” Kenny and the girls laughed.

Cartman exhaled and grinded his teeth together. “Look who’s talking, Po’ boy,” he mumbled under his breath.

Kenny whispered something to the girls that made them giggle, again. Then he turned back to Cartman.

“Okay, okay. Just let me ask you a few questions.” Kenny Grinned. “Question #1 – Do you have any experience with vaginas?”

Yes.

“Ugh, no, retard,” Cartman derogated.

“YOU’RE HIRED!”

“…. What?!”

Kenny gave his old buddy an extra pair of “man-scrubs’ and nurse’s shoes. On top of the neatly folded pile of clothes was a nametag that read, “Hello! My name is: FATASS.” Cartman, still confused, groaned in annoyance.

“Hah, okay man, I’ll start you off with an easy one,” Kenny motioned behind him, to a narrow hallway. “’round back. Room 11. Good Luck.”

As Cartman left for the men’s room to put on his new “uniform,” he overheard Ken-doll and his ‘girlfriends.’ Making out and who knows what else!

“Yeah, spank that ass!”

Man-whore.

***

fully dressed, DOCTOR Cartman made his way down the never-ending hallway. “Let’s see h’yah,” he said to himself. “…. Room 9 …. Room 10, aaand ….. Room 11!” Cartman paused at the door. It seemed kinda big, compared to him – and HE was big! He noticed a file inside a holder, by the door. He carefully pulled it out, and opened it. He read it thoroughly:

“Emily Osterloh”

Well, alright then, he thought. Let’s get this over with. He turned the round doorknob to the left and opened it slowly. It made an old, eerie creaking noise, as if it was nails on a chalkboard. As he peeked his head inside, he saw a young girl – at LEAST 10 or 11 years old!

“Damn … wasn’t expecting THAT! What’s she doing at a gynecologist’s office?!” He asked himself, under his breath. He casually, yet proudly walked inside, and approached the little girl.

"Um … helluu, young ladeh.”

“Sup, Doctor …. ‘Fa-tass’”

It’s pronounced FATASS, you little brat!

“… Right. What seems to be the problem, h’yah?”

“Well … what does it look like? I’m bleeding out my fucking vaj! What’s YOUR problem?” Emily snapped back.

Oh, sweet Jesus ….. Kenny, I am going to kill you in your sleep, over and over again.

“Soooo … what do you want ME to do about it?”

Emily talked trash. “Hm, let’s see …. I WANT you to get off your lazy bitch-ass and give me a prescription, smart-ass! What, is this your first day or something? What kinda of doctor ARE you?!”

Cartman furrowed his brow, and slowly grinded his teeth, and stared at the girl as she threw her raging bitch-fit. He turned a bright-red. Oh, if she wasn’t an innocent skank, 2 days into her first period, right now, he would whup her ass, SO hard! At a young age, little Eric Cartman had swore if a girl had ever tried to kick his ass, he’d be all like, “AY! YEW GET YOUR BITCH-ASS BACK IN THE KITCHEN AND MAKE ME SOME PIE!” … or was it “Why don't you stop dressing me up like a mailman, and making me dance for you while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know, on my dad's bed?” ….. Either way, Cartman would fuck up any girl that got on his bad side, and kick her in the nuts!

He turned around, and wrote Emily her prescription:

1 U by Kotex pads
1 U by Kotex Sleek Tampons
1 U by Kotex Click Tampons
1 U by Kotex liners
1 Vagisil
1 Pamprin
1 free coupon to Shakey’s Pizza

He walked back to the fancy “vagina chair” that all his patients sit in for examining. He gripped the small slip of paper in his right hand, but Emily soon ripped it out, as she played with the little hook thingy used to scrape cum out of …. Places. She jumped out of the chair, and stomped out of the building, all pissy.

“Crazy Bitch,” Eric thought.