Right. I’m sorry to do this but I’ve been left with no other options seeing as Cook and JJ claim to remember less than I do about last night. This is an appeal. To the lady... Now Cook says that you were ginger but he also told me that you were 52 and he’d necked a load of acid so... Any way as I said, I’m really sorry about not being able to quite remember your face but I’m sure it was very beautiful...

We were at the Hot Sundee Boat Party and I remember we jumped into the water, as I now have a killer fucking cold and my trainers smell like (as Cook so eloquently put it) a mermaids downstairs surprise. Then it gets a bit hazy but I remember we got out of the water and I lent you my cardigan. We must of got a kebab after that as I have Chili sauce down my T-shirt and JJ is farting like a bulldog, which he only does after a humus and pita. Anyway after the kebab I don’t remember very much. Again, sorry, but a bottle of vodka, six sambooka’s and a couple of pills really does fuck with a man’s memory. I woke up in all my clothes (apart from the cardigan) and a miniature cowboy hat which Cook claims I got when I made love to a ferret dressed as Clint Eastwood (that Acid was strong).

So if you were the girl I really need that cardigan back, cos, well it wasn’t mine. It belonged to a friend of mine. More than a friend. She left it at… Well I just really need it back. So if you were that girl could you please message me and let me know.

Sorry again.

F

P.S. JJ says one of your friends gave him their number but it doesn’t seem to be working. He thinks she must have messed it up by accident (I know) so could you send that along with the cardigan...