posted by sweetie-buttons
Grady: I bet I'll win this competition. I had to deal with a werewolf!
Sarah: A werewolf? You had to deal with a werewolf? That's all?
Sarah: Tell me, was it a mutant werewolf? A half-mermaid werewolf? A werewolf that could shoot lasers from its eyes?
Grady: No, it was just a regular werewolf, but-
Sarah: Then there's no way you'll win this competition! You wouldn't believe some of the crazy things we've been through. Werewolves are so boring. For example, I had to deal with a possessive lesbian camp ghost who was obsessed with me!
Harry: What, you think you're the only person who's ever had to deal with a possessive camp ghost who's obsessed with you? I had to deal with the same thing! There was this ghost chick who was so obsessed with me, she tried to take over my body! I admit, I had a bit of a crush on her, but even I have boundaries. Talk about clingy.
Evan: He he he...
Jerry: Well, at least those ghosts were the same age as you! I had to deal with this handless piano ghost girl AS WELL as this pedophilic robot piano teacher who had a fetish for my hands. He kept going on and on about how "oh, Jerry, you have such beautiful hands". It got creepy after a while.
Evan: Ha ha ha...
Abby: What, you too? I had to deal with a whole bunch of pedos who were obsessed with my hair. I admit, I like my hair, it's my best feature, but even I got a bit uncomfortable after hearing them go on and on about my "beautiful long black hair".
Kris: You two know nothing of pedos! My sister Lindy and I had to deal with this ventriloquist dummy who tried to turn me into his slave. And when I refused, he hit me!
Amy: I went through the same thing!
Trina: So did I!
Jillian: So did I!
Britney: So did I!
Ray: So did I!
Jackson: So did I! Hell, I got possessed by the thing!
Evan: Hehehehehe HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Everyone who just spoke: WHAT IS IT, EVAN?
Evan: You're all so innocent.
Evan: What you just described? It's nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Evan: Sarah, if you really think you're the only person who's ever had to deal with a possessive lesbian, you're mistaken. For starters, I had to deal with this possessive lesbian cat witch who was in a relationship with my dear great-aunt-
Alison: Possessive lesbian cat witch? That's nothing. I once saw a ghost cat tornado!
Evan: AND, said possessive lesbian cat witch cursed this can offered Play-Doh so that it'd grow into a blob monster that tried to eat the town.
Zackie: Hey, you're not the only person who's dealt with a blob monster who tried to eat the town! I had to deal with that too, and I actually defeated it myself! You did nothing!
Wendy: A blob monster that tried to eat the town? That's nothing. I not only had to deal with a blob monster, but a smelly purple snail-sweating crown-wearing blob monster who lived under a sports camp, enslaved the campers, and ate them when they stopped working! And again, I defeated it myself by using my quick thinking!
Sam: And guess what? I fought GIANT HAMSTERS! Bet you can't top tha-
Evan: Actually, I had to fight giant hamsters too.
Evan: Yeah. You think you're the only person in the world who's had to fight giant hamsters?
Sam: Well, yes...
Evan: And I defeated the giant hamster by myself as well! And not only that, but I saved someone who bullied me from getting eaten by it!
Zackie: I saved someone who bullied me from getting eaten by said blob monster, you know! Well, he called himself my friend, but-
Evan: Oh really? Did that "someone who bullied you" ever beat you within an inch of your life?
Zackie: Well, no, but-
Evan: Then nothing! I had the strangest experiences, case closed.
Kat: But I had to deal with an evil sponge, and then a killer potato. A KILLER POTATO! Try to top-
Evan: Did I mention that on top of all of that, I also had to deal with big-lipped blue slugs that multiplied when coming into contact with water?
Kat: ...Okay, fine, you win. But can we at least admit that I come sec-
Billy: HOLD IT! Who says he wins? Let me remind you that I've been in almost as many books as he has, and I've faced just as many weird things! Mermaids, mad scientists, a substance that makes fish grow huge and humans turn into fish, skeleton zombie pirates...
Evan: Mad scientists aren't anything special. I had to deal with a mad scientist too! Not only that, but I had to deal with a bratty eight-year-old mad scientist who was my cousin!
Greg: And I had to deal with this hobo scientist dude dressed in black!
Margaret: Also, my dad's a mad scientist!
Grady: So's my dad! Actually, BOTH my parents are scientists!
Sammy: So're my parents!
Grady: ...Who the hell are you? You're not even a human! Also, "so're" isn't a real conjunction.
Sammy: Well, excuse me, Mister Grammar Nazi! Just because I'm not a human, doesn't mean you get to be rude to me! Mutants have feelings too, you know.
Billy (Camp Nightmare Billy, not Deep Trouble Billy...duh): You tell him, Sammy!
Grady: Mutants?! Wha-
Sammy: Grady, you had an encounter with a werewolf, yet the idea of mutants existing, is too crazy for you? Also, you're not a human either! Didn't your turn into a werewolf at the end of your book?
Evan: ANYWAY. As I said, mad scientists aren't anything special. You had to deal with three weird things, while I had to deal with four! Five counting the bratty eight-year-old mad cousin. Not only that, but I in the idle of all those lovely events, I also had to deal with bullies, bratty cousins, AND mean teachers more than anybody else in the series! Yes, even more than you, Gary, Britney, Greg, but that's another debate.
Kat: Alright, fine, you win. But I obviously come second! Evil sponge and potato, who could top that?
Wendy: No, I should come second! Did you fall asleep when I talked about that snail-sweating crown-wearing slave-owning child-eating smelly purple blob monster?
Carly Beth: Also, you're not the only one to deal with evil inanimate objects! I had to deal with an evil mask!
Max: And I had to deal with an evil mirror!
Greg: Evil masks and mirrors aren't that crazy. Actually, they're not unique at all! Me, on the other hand? I once had an encounter with an evil camera!
Julie: So did I!
Tommy: And me! Well, I myself didn't really "have an encounter" with one, but-
Julie: Well, I bet you two can't top this: The camera made my brother turn into a bee!
Gary: I once turned into a bee as well!
Crystal: I once got turned into a chicken!
Wade: I once got turned into a frog!
Samantha: And I once got turned into a bird! You're not special, Julie.
Julie: ...Okay, fine. But still, what experiences with the camera did you guys have?
Tommy: Well, I wasn't really the one who had an experience with it, but basically, I found myself with a bunch of grey children who said there was this evil photographer dude who sent them to the grey world with a camera. And a bunch of the shadow children tried to make me participate in an ink-spitting orgy.
Greg: So...you didn't really have an encounter with the camera.
Tommy: Well, no, but...INK-SPITTING ORGY BETWEEN GREY CHILDREN.
Greg: Well, the camera once made me get fat-
Julie: Really? That's it? My camera made a girl break her arm and my friend get burning red eyes, and all yours did was make you get fat?!
Greg: That's just one of the things it did. It also KILLED someone, and made my dad get into a car accident, along with a bunch of other things. That's just one of the things it did. And it's scarier than it sounds! I got so fat, I could barely move, and everyone made fun of me, especially the teacher-
Paul: Your teacher made fun of you? Oh, boo hoo. My teacher was a literal monster who tried to kill me, and you don't see me complaining!
Greg: Well, I'm still allowed to complain about him! When I told him about the evil camera, he told me-
Julie: Wait. You told him?
Greg: Yeah. We had to write an assignment about what we did last summer, so I wrote a truthful assignment. Why?
Julie: And you honestly expected him to believe you? You're a dumbass.
Greg: My parents told me that I could go to California if I got a better grade in English! California, Julie! What would you have done?
Greg: He didn't believe me and threatened to give me an F, so I decided to go get the camera to prove-
Julie: Wait. You WENT TO GET THE CAMERA? Are you nuts?! Didn't you remember what it did last time?
Greg: Come on, Julie, it's California! Can you really blame me?
Julie: ...I give up.
Evan: Greg, if it makes you feel any better, I also told everyone about my encounters with the monster blood, and they relentlessly mocked me, including my teacher. What a bunch of dicks, right?
Greg: I know! I hate kids like that! And my teacher, he's such a-
Evan: However, despite all my faults, even I had the sense not to keep using the monster blood, and it's only because of my friend Andy that I had any more troubles with it. So yeah, I agree with Julie, you're a dumbass.
Greg: ...Well, fuck you too, Evan. I thought we were about to start a friendship, but no.
Hannah: When Evan Ross calls you a dumbass, you know that you're a dumbass.
Greg: That's rich coming from the girl who caused the death of her entire family because she forgot to put out a fire in her backyard.
Hannah: ...Point taken. I'll shut up now.
I don't know where to take the conversation from here...
Here are the books these protags are from:
Grady: The Werewolf of Fever Swamp
Sarah: The Curse of Camp Cold Lake
Harry: Ghost Camp
Evan: the Monster Blood series
Jerry: Piano Lessons Can Be Murder
Abby: Who's Your Mummy?
Kris: Night of the Living Dummy
Amy: Night of the Living Dummy II
Trina: Night of the Living Dummy III
Jillian: Bride of the Living Dummy
Britney: Revenge of the Living Dummy
Ray: Slappy New Year!
Jackson: Son of Slappy
Alison: Cry of the Cat
Zacks: The Blob That Ate Everyone
Wendy: The Horror at Camp Jellyjam
Sam: Little Shop of Hamsters
Kat: It Came from Beneath the Sink!
Billy: the Deep Trouble series
Greg: Say Cheese and Die! and Say Cheese and Die - Again!
Margaret: Stay Out of the Basement
Sammy: My Best Friend Is Invisibke!
Billy: Welcome to Camp Nightmare
Carly Beth: The Haunted Mask
Max: Let's Get Invisible!
Julie: Say Cheese - and Die Screaming!
Tommy: The Haunted School
Gary: Why I'm Afraid of Bees
Crystal: Chicken Chicken
Wade: Revenge R Us
Samantha: Be Careful What You Wish For...
Paul: Creature Teacher
Hannah: The Ghost Next Door