“Do I need to stick my finger down your throat and hold your hair back?”


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Author: LittleDancer-123x (Melanie)

Rated: T+ because of occasional language, and strong references to eating disorders.

Published: December 11th 2008

Story Type: Multi-Chapter

Summary: Inspired from the line “Do I need to stick my finger down your throat and hold your hair back?” 2x13. Goes back to freshman year, and works up to present day, how Blair’s disorder developed and how Chuck was there along the way. Multi-Chapter. CB, SB friendship.



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Chapter 3

She was sick.

Half an hour after, Blair was hunched on her floor, curled over with her arms wrapped herself to protect her sore stomach.

Her face was pressed into her knees, soaking them with tears.

She couldn’t believe what had just happened.

In her bathroom, she had made herself sick.

She couldn’t face the other side of the room, the bowl.

Any evidence was flushed away, but it still taunted her, the image unable to leave her mind; a testament to her broken promise.

Her imperfections.

Blair had never thought this would be her, on the cold tiles, weak and crying.

She wanted to be strong.

She was going to be strong.

Her tear-clumped eyelashes stuck to her cheeks as she blinked once or twice, lifting herself off of the floor shakily.

She couldn’t do this.

She could do this.

She could be perfect.

Blair flushed the toilet again, even though the bowl was empty, and picked her phone up from the side of the sink.


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B, Don’t Call. Don’t ask why. C

Blair whimpered in frustration when his text came back.

She couldn’t do this alone.

Obviously, telling Chuck what had actually happened was a no.

But she had hoped he would at least come, make her smile, calm her down; then she could tell herself after he left that she would never do it again.

She couldn’t do this alone.

Her fingers toyed with the keypad, contemplating punching another number in.

They did it of their own accord.

“Hey, you’ve reached Serena. I’m sorry, I can’t talk right now, fun to be had! Leave a message, and I’ll try-”

Blair cancelled the call and shook her phone.

Somebody, anybody…

Her tears were coming back, clustering her vision again.

Ringing.

Blair looked down at the phone.

Serena

“Hey.” She said softly, wiping her tears quickly on a hand towel.

“Blair.” Serena’s voice was firm on the other end of the line.

Blair bit her lip.

“S, I’m really sorry for earlier.”

Silence.

“Good. You made me feel like a cheap whore. I was almost disgusted at myself, until I got over it.”

Blair glanced at the mirror, the tears gone but the tracks still present upon her cheeks.

How could Serena be disgusted with herself? She was perfect.

Blair couldn’t stand her own reflection, not after what she had just done.

That was disgusting.

Serena heard a stifled sob on Blair’s end.

“B…” She said, her hard tone relaxing. “B, are you okay?”

“No,” Blair muttered. “I’m really sorry for everything, will you please come over?”

“Blair, what’s happened?”

Silence again.

“Nothing. I don’t feel well.”

Serena knew she was lying, and that the only way to get the truth would be to go there to her.

“Okay. I’m coming, B.”


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Blair brushed her teeth three times.

The taste wouldn’t go away.

Serena was going to know.

She was going to know.

Know what she had done.

Breathing in, Blair looked into the mirror again, and steadied herself.

Serena did not have to know how imperfect she really was, how tainted.

You can do this, Blair.

You can do this, -

“Blair!”

She dropped her toothbrush at her mother’s voice.

“Just a second!”

A quick fluff and smooth of her hair, mouth check and breath check later, she was running out of her bedroom and down to the hall.

“Blair, do not thump on those stairs!” Eleanor reprimanded as mother and daughter came face to face.

Then the standard examination began.

Blair flinched.

“Now, will you tell me why Serena was just here? I’ve had to send her home. You’re supposed to be in bed, young lady.”

Eleanor was frowning down at her, and she didn’t know what to say or do.

High school Blair was supposed to be mature Blair, not naughty little girl Blair.

Her mom always treated her like the latter.

“I didn’t feel well. I wanted Serena to sleep over. Lily let her come.”

Eleanor gave a contemptuous sniff.

“At the moment, Lily probably doesn’t even realise what her daughter is up to. I want more than that from you Blair. You’re my perfect little girl, elegant and beautiful.” She cupped her daughter’s cheek, her previous frown gone, in it’s place a thoughtful smile. “Listen to what I have to say, though. You’ll never make a lady if you can’t.”

Blair mirrored her mother’s smile.

“I’m sorry.”

She had called her perfect.

After trying so hard, some approval.

“I’ll keep trying.”

“Good,” Eleanor said briskly, dropping her hand, keeping her daughter inside it. “But I’ll be happy for now if you just go to bed.”

Blair went to go upstairs instantly.

“One second,” Eleanor stopped her on an afterthought.

“If you heard anything- your father and I-” She watched Blair’s reaction carefully.

Her dark eyes were wide.

“None of it was true. All an over reaction.”

She nodded then for reassurance, and to dismiss her daughter, which Blair accepted, along with the excuse.

If she could believe what her mother had said was true, then it was.


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“Sorry I didn’t take your call last night.”

Chuck was walking through the school gates with Blair the next morning.

She seemed unusually bright, her hair flicking about her shoulders, kept neat by the red buckled headband.

Not that he minded.

Blair was fun in these moods; bright and bitchy.

“Don’t worry,” She said lightly. “I’m sure your whore was far more important.”

“She was not more important-”

Chuck stopped himself mid-sentence, and Blair faced him with a smirk.

“My, my, Bass, don’t say you think of me as important?”

“Few people more so.”

Chuck didn’t realise he had actually touched Blair saying that.

She went to reply, but Serena came flying over and embraced her in a tight hug before she had the chance to even open her mouth.

“Blair! I’m so sorry, your mom said you were in bed. Are you okay? What happened?”

She saw Chuck staring at them both with an arched eyebrow, and scowled.

“Go away, Chuck.”

“He can stay.” Blair cut in defensively, earning a glance from her blonde best friend. “It’s not like I have some big secret to tell. I felt ill, called you, then fell asleep before you came.”

“Oh.”

Things went quiet between the three.

“Hey, Chuck.” Serena sighed, forcing a smile.

“Van der Woodsen.” He leered, running his eyes up and down her long, tan and exposed legs.

“Actually, we will leave him alone.” Blair said in disgust.

She shook her head, and pulled Serena away to a quiet corner.

That morning, she had forgiven herself for what she had done the night before.

Her mother had left half of that day’s uniform out, picked with a designer’s impeccable taste, which took away some of the pressure she had felt the day before.

Her mother knew how to make her look perfect.

Forgiving herself had been easy.

Looking in the mirror, and telling herself that she would never, ever do it again.

Hearing Serena’s voice the night before, so worried- Blair had broken her promise to her, the promise she hadn’t wanted to make because she was so sure it would never happen.

She would never be one of those disturbed, disturbing, characters in the pictures.

They were not perfect.

She had avoided her bathroom, washing and brushing her teeth in the one down the hall.

She had eaten a healthy breakfast.

Come to school in a good mood.

Like a good girl.

Mature Blair, making decisions for and saving herself.

There was just one thing she still needed help with.

“Serena, has Nate spoken to you recently?”

The two girl sat on a bench together, five minutes left until the bell.

Serena shook her head.

“No more than usual. Why?”

Blair shifted on the seat, looking at her hands for a second before answering.

“I think Nate wants us to… be more than we are now.”

Serena wasn’t following.

“I think he wants us to do it.”

“Oh.” Serena said awkwardly, realisation dawning in on her. “Why do you think that?”

“Something Chuck said.” Blair admitted cautiously, earning the roll of eyes she expected from Serena.

“Chuck? Oh, B, he just wants to deflower the whole freshman year, even if not personally.”

“But what if he’s right?”

Blair knew she was probably being ridiculous.

It was Chuck.

Though, at the same time, him being Chuck was another reason he could have been on to something.

He did know Nate better than anyone.

Even more than her, though she tried to be the perfect girlfriend.

“S, was it… what was it like?”

She had to ask.

She had no idea, the epitome of an innocent little virgin.

Serena blanched at her question.

“It was, I don’t know, B, it was just like… it. You know, in and out.”

Blair shrugged, raising an eyebrow.

She needed more than that.

“B, I can’t remember, okay? It just happened, and I wish it hadn’t.”

Serena ran a hand through her hair, turning away for a second.

Blair instantly regretted asking anything.

She had just embarrassed and hurt her best friend.

“I asked because I’m scaredof doing it.”

Serena turned around at Blair’s admittance.

Blair nodded to confirm what she had just said.

Serena smiled gently at her and took hold of her arm.

“Then don’t. It’s your choice too, and if you’re not ready, then just don’t. Wait, and make it special, make it-”

“Perfect?” Blair supplied.

“Exactly.” Serena confirmed.

She stood up as the bell rang.

“Come on B, time for homeroom, and end of conversation.”


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“Blair Waldorf, can I talk to you, please?”

Mrs. Howarth held her back after class.

Blair expected it was because she hadn’t been paying attention; she was still worried about what Nate may want and how much she could give.

Even if she made herself not be scared…

Should she still do it, or would that make her too easy?

Or would not doing it make her uptight?

Would she have to make that decision the next time they kissed?

Since when had being the perfect girlfriend that Nate deserved been so difficult?

“Blair!”

Her Math teacher called her back from her thoughts, and looked at her disapprovingly.

“You’ve been distracted all lesson. Your report from the middle school was excellent, but this first homework didn’t live up to that…”

She handed Blair her book, on the page.

The page with the large red C.

“You need to focus better, that’s all, I’m sure. If there are any problems you want to talk about, my door’s always open.”

Blair nodded.

How could she possibly talk about losing her virginity to her math teacher?

Or about how perfect Serena and Nate were, and how hard it was to keep up?

Or about making herself sick, just fourteen hours previously?

“Blair… you’re doing it again.”

Mrs. Howarth was looking at her with slight concern.

“Anything at all you want to share?”

“No.” Blair shook her head firmly. “I’m fine. Just tired, on my first week.”

Her teacher didn’t look convinced, but let her go.

As soon as she was out of the door, Blair stuffed the book into her bag.

Out of sight, out of mind.

She hadn’t gotten a C.

She had just gotten a slightly below average grade, that, with work, would be an above average grade again.

No big deal.

“Blair Waldorf, isn’t it?”

Alicia was stood behind her.

Alicia Gabrielle Bruning, Twelfth Grade, a Senior.

The Senior. The one who decided upon the projects from the freshmen crop.

Blair remained cool, her eyes studying the older girl carefully.

“Mmm?”

“You started that little headband thing amongst your grade, didn’t you?”

Blair nodded calmly.

“It’s coming up the school, very impressive for your first week. You pulled it off well.”

Alicia gestured a hand backwards, and one of the girls following gave her a folder.

Blair Waldorf

“Good grades, good social skills, obviously good style…”

Blair just watched as the group of girls muttered about the notes in her file.

What organization.

She could learn something here; they seemed to have even more on her than the school.

“Good friends, very good friends… Nate Archibald, boyfriend? He knows all the lacrosse boys… Chuck Bass, enough said… Serena van der Woodsen, always a pleasure…”

Blair jumped as the folder was shut in front of her.

“That’s enough. We’ll see you around.”

Alicia flicked her fingers in a mini-wave as she walked past, her folder-laden friends following closely.

Blair let out a breath.

They didn’t seem disappointed, and she hadn’t make any mistakes in front of them.

She had done okay.

As far as that kind of meeting could go, it had probably been close to perfect, actually.

Except for their first comment.

“Good grades…”

The math homework book was suddenly burning in her bag.

It felt like a murder weapon.

A suicide tool, rather, for social suicide.

That grade had to come up immediately.


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Serena and Blair were sat together at lunch, on a stone table in the centre courtyard.

“Are you going to eat that?” Blair asked, pointing to a strawberry in Serena’s fruit cup with her salad fork.

“Take it.” Serena said distractedly.

She was worried about Blair.

The excuse of being ill still didn’t cut the suspicions of last night’s call from her mind.

All the questions about losing her virginity, because of something Chuck said.

Then, coming out to lunch after talking to their math teacher, extremely twitchy and thoughtful, and not wanting to talk about it.

Something wasn’t right.

Blair had always tried hard, but since coming to high school, she had become obsessed with being the best she could be.

Perfect.

Serena just couldn’t help being worried.

“Serena, do you want the chocolate dip with your fruit cup? Can I share?”

Blair was looking hungrily at her dessert, though normally she was quite content with her own salad.

Serena decided she was upset, and was finally learning to divulge in comfort food.

“Take all of it, I have a muffin too. I’ll have that.”

Blair smiled and happily took the dessert, oblivious to Serena watching her.

“Eat much today, Waldorf?”

Chuck slipped in next to Blair, smirking at the litter in front of her.

A tortilla wrap sleeve, an empty salad bowl, a cereal bar wrapper, and now, Serena’s fruit cup tub and dipping pot.

She dropped the last piece of mandarin, and stared at her place.

She wanted to cry.

She wanted to be sick.

She snapped out of it.

She snapped at Chuck.

“I was hungry for once. I’m not going to become fat from one lunch!”

Serena actually met Chuck’s eyes, and they shared a worried glance.

“I was kidding.” He said slowly.

Serena offered her the last half of muffin.

“Here, take this, I don’t want it. Like you said, it’s just one lunch.”

“I don’t want it!” Blair huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

Chuck stifled a laugh.

She looked like a small, stressed child.

Serena kicked him under the table.

“Ow, what the-”

“Chuck!”

Nate came into the courtyard, calling out to his best friend.

Bair turned to look too.

“Hey, Nate.” She said sweetly.

He kissed her on top of her head, and smiled at her.

Then he glanced at the table in the same way Chuck had.

Blair’s eyes lost their sparkle, and she stared at her boyfriend, hurt.

“Oh, you think I’m going to get fat too?”

Blair began to panic.

Nate had stopped noticing her, but he was noticing this.

She must have eaten a lot.

Too much.

Her mom wouldn’t speak to her if her designs didn’t fit.

She’d never be good enough to be a project.

She’d never be perfect.

Chuck and Serena were sharing their glances again, and Nate had joined in.

“Of course not. You know I think you’re cute.”

Cute.

“I’m going to the bathroom.” Blair muttered.

She needed some space.


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Nate and Serena started talking, but Chuck didn’t join their conversation.

He kept checking his cell phone.

Twenty minutes.

Blair had been gone, in the bathroom, for twenty minutes.

Either she was somewhere else, which would need investigating, or she was doing something in the bathroom that needed investigating.

“Serena,” He began as she laughed at something Nate said.

“Serena,” He tried again, unheard over her laughter and Nate’s apparently hilarious recollections.

Chuck shook his head at the two oblivious blondes, and got up from the table.

He gave up on them; he wasn’t going to give up on Blair.


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She locked herself in a cubicle.

It was the fourth floor bathroom, which nobody used at lunch.

Cool.

Quiet.

Serene.

Blair leaned back against the wall, taking a deep breath.

Finally, somewhere away from all the eyes, all the judging.

After a few minutes, she had relaxed herself.

Then her own judging began.

Her small hand, a chip in the neat manicure on one nail, skimmed her stomach under the black cardigan covering.

Too much.

It was all too much.

She had eaten too much.

There was no denying either; and the second was not a way of making up for the first.

It just added to the first, the same way it would add to her waistline.

Blair tried to avert her eyes away from her porcelain companion.

She didn’t like the feeling of temptation coming over her.

She was not, was not, going to do it again.

She had promised Serena she wouldn’t do it at all, and last night she had promised herself she wouldn‘t do it again.

It was just another thing that would add to the “too much”.

All guilt, no relief.

No relief.

Her fingers went to fumble with the cubicle lock to get out of the bathroom.

It was all too much.

She needed relief, a release.

The lock wasn’t opening.


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Chuck found himself on the fourth floor, following Kati’s hurried directions of where she thought she saw Blair heading.

She had rushed off to find Is before he could get anything else from her, like how Blair had looked when she went up to the fourth floor.

He would have to find out for himself.

The bathroom was at the far end of the corridor from the stairs; the whole floor was empty.

There was too much to do at breaks and lunch than come up to the top of the school.

She obviously was hiding something.

He came to the bathroom and stood outside the door, contemplating ringing Blair’s cell phone to hear if she was in there.

Then he heard coughing, echoing like his footsteps had.

Hoarse choking, and sobbing, inside the bathroom.

He pushed open the door.

“Blair?”


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She was sick again.


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To be continued…


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