Things not to do at Hogwarts
posted by SpecialAgentKat
Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts: ...
1) Seamus Finnegan is not after me lucky charms
2) I will not sing "we're off to see the wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.
3) I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class
4) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss
5) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda
6) Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar
7) First years are not allowed to be fed to Fluffy
8) I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "time of the month"
9) I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him they're real animals
10) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches
12) When Death-Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Bat Mobile, Robin!"
13) When a class-mate falls asleep, I shall not take advantage of the fact and draw a Dark Mark on his arm.
14) It's not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes house points from Gryffindor
15) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental
16) I will not refer to the Weasley Twins or the Patil Twins as "bookends"
17) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.
18) I will not hold my wand in the air before I casting spells shouting "I got the power!"
19) It’s not necessary for me to yell "Bam!" every time I apparate.
20) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music when wandering the halls.
21) "To conquer the earth with flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.
22) I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.
23) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.
24) I will not slip Malfoy a Love Potion in his morning goblet of Pumpkin Juice.
25) I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Voldemort.
26) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.
27) I will not refer to the Accio charm as "the Force".
28) I will not call Dumbledore "Santa Claus!" during the Christmas Holidays.
29) I will not put Muggle fairy book in the History section at the library.
30) I will not send Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas.
31.) I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore".
32.) House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
33.) Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept.
34.) I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.(they need to FIND that out)
35.) I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.
36.) I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snape’s private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing.
37.) I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.
38.) I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.
39.) I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.
40.) I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.
41.) The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.
42.) I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".
43.) When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.
44.) Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.
45.) A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.
46.) Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy. “
47.) I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.
48.). I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.
49.) Sending rings to the nine senior faculties at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.
50.) Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient.
51.) Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.
52.) I may not have a private army.
53.) I must not substitute chocolate-flavoured laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.
54.)Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.
55.) I am not the wicked witch of the west.
56.) -I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.
57.) I will not melt if water is poured over me.
58.) -Neither will Professor Umbridge.
59.) I shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.
60.) I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.
61.) I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.
62.) I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them.
63.) - Especially not all of them at once.
64.) I will not try to hock off my old piercings as "priceless Muggle artefacts."
65.) I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos.
66.) Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.
67.) I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.
68.) When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.
69.) Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.
70.) The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smarts and the Junior Death Eaters.
71.) I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.
72.) Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not improved by the introduction of Muggle firearms.
73.) Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle-axes are not acceptable either.
74.) I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, a History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.
75.) I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.
76.) I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.
77.) I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'.
78.) I will not create a betting pool on that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.
79.) Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka.
80.) Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles.
81.) I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
82.) Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin".
83.) I will not play the Imperial March theme for Professor Snape.
84.). - However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.
85.) If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume.
86.) I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.
87.) I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.
88.) I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.
89.) I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times.
90.) It’s not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says "All the good-looking ones die young" with a picture of Cedric Diggory on it.
91.) I will not yell "Hey look it’s Lord Voldemort!" at Hogsmeade
92.) I will not tease Voldemort about the time he needed his pink flowery teddy bear to comfort him when he had that bad bad nightmare about Harry
93.) I will not charm a poster of Britney Spears on Draco's wall.