-DO NOT HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE. You will be filleted within 15 minutes. Even if gorgeous blonde offers to jump your bones in a graveyard, say no: she will turn into an old man and stab you in the guts.

-DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, GO INTO THE WOODS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. At the very least, you will probably be sexually molested by a tree.

-DO NOT PICK UP HICTCHIKERS. Have you got a dead wish or something?

-NEVER TAKE UP VENTRILOQUISM AS A HOBBY. Your dummy will prove no dummy.

-When a group of you are searching a large building, do not, whatever you do, split up.

-Don't go anywhere near Maine.

-Put some clothes on! Walking around in just your underwear attracks psycho killers like jam attracks wasps.

-When buying a new property, carefully check the deeds. Is your new house built on: a) a Native American graveyard; b) one of nine gateways to hell? It's always worth asking. At the very least you could get a couple of grand knocked off the asking price.

-If you're searching for the cause of a noise, and discover that it seems to have been just a stray cat, get the fuck out of there IMMEDIATELY.

-Plaid shirts are the dress uniform of lunatics. Don't even go within a mile of a branch of Milletts.

-When holidaying, stay in a caravan. Demonic forces love log cabins, but for a some reason shun caravans.

-Stay well away from sculptors. And the proprietor of your local waxwork museum. And dentists.

-When running from an axe-fielding maniac in your house, try to avoid running upstairs when there's a perfectly serviceable front door available providing access to the street.

-If a friend suggests that it would be a hoot to stay the night in a haunted house, politely tell them where they can shove it.

-Avoid men whose eyebrows meet in the middle. For one thing, that Liam Gallagher's got a nasty temper when he's roused.

-Stay away from exotic puzzle boxes. If you like puzzles, buy a Word Search magazine. They're rarely demonic.

-Partying in a graveyard is never a good idea. And don't pretend to be a zombie. That's just asking for it.

-Just fought off an attack from a psychopathic killer? Try to remember not to drop the weapon afterwards.

-Just killed the psychopathic killer who was attacking you? Are you sure? Are you really sure? Why not shoot him in the head, just in case? Then chop his head off with an axe, And then set fire to him. Better safe than sorry.