Boxers don't have sex before a fight.
some of his whitty and most famous jokes all her in this soapbox

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No. I think you're fattest."

Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

A dog is for life not just for Christmas, so be careful at the next office Christmas party.

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol(TM).

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

grew up in Slough in the 70's, if you want to know what Slough was like in the 70's, go there now.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

I'd rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

i hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.

and this is th last one on this soap box
"Did you know you're ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York city? Thats because you don't live in new york city"
When it comes to charity many people stop at nothing.
Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.