I don't eat much fast food anymore. Maybe it's because I read Fast Food Nation a few years back and that scared me off the chalupas and whoppers. Or it could be because the doctor told me to watch my fat intake and ease off the fried foods.
When I really think about it though, those excuses are kinda lame. I think that the real reason I don't eat fast food is because fast food restaurants are doing their damndest to scare us away from their restaurants. I mean look at the weirdos they have peddling their food. Scary clowns? Creepy old men? Purple blobs? The fast food companies been subjecting us to these creeps for years, but recently the situation has become unbearable.
So without further ado, I present to you my list of the 10 creepiest fast food mascots [note: I'm limiting the list to characters peddling goods for fast food outlets - I realize that the Kool Aid Man and Count Chocula are also disturbing, but that's for another list]:
#10: The Quiznos Rat/Hamster Thing
Who thought selling fresh, healthy sandwiches alongside a mangy deranged rodent was a good idea? The last thing I want to think about when I'm eating food is some bubonic plague carrying, disease-ridden rat. At least Subway had the decency to saddle us with Jared Fogle
Need more evidence? Tell me you want a Quiznos sub after watching this advertisement with the Quiznos rodent...
#9: The Dominos Noid
A fixture of the Dominos Pizza commercials from the 80s and 90s, the Noid was a small goblin-like humanoid with rabbit ears dressed in a tight red latex suit that communicated via a series of chortles and grunts. Tell me that ain't creepy.
Need more evidence? The animated Noid in the TV commercials
was bad enough. But adults dressing up as the Noid for Halloween and, more recently, 80s parties? Oh the humanity!
Most of us think that clowns are creepy. But what about jack-in-the-boxes? Well, they're just glorified clowns, with springs that pop out of boxes. So they're double creepy.
Need more evidence? Any of the numerous TV spots featuring Jack
with his big round head and that cheshire cat smile.
Dear McDonalds, what exactly is this Grimace creature you have spawned? Is he a mutated prune? A malformed mushroom? Is he an obese American fast food consumer whose skin took on an unearthly hue after consuming one too many Happy Meals? Either way, the last thing I need to think about when I'm eating a 1000 calorie cheeseburger is some overweight muppet.
Need more evidence? Did you know Grimace originally had 4 arms
and a penchant for stealing milkshakes? He also had an equally hideous green uncle, Uncle O'Grimacey
(as if one wasn't enough).
#6: Colonel Sanders
It's like Hannibal Lector is sporting the Oompa Loompa hairdo (at least in this pic). I dunno, when I'm eating Chicken out of a bucket I really don't want some old guy with a goatee grinning back at me. Which makes me wonder, why aren't there more hot female fast food icons? Honestly, where are they? Where's the Colonelette?
Need more evidence? Apparently in Japan most of the KFC locations have on-site Colonel statues to greet you. In the Japanese city of Kansai, poor treatment of one of the Colonel statues has led to an apparent "curse of the Colonel"
on that city's baseball team.
#5: Mister Softee
Mister Softee has helped peddle ice cream treats to kids in the Northeast for 50 years. I cringed when I first saw him. Man with a cone for a head with soft serve billowing out the top. And don't get me started on his jingle
(isn't this the kind of thing that gets inserted into film trailers for The Omen?)
Need more evidence? Watch this short movie trailer
featuring a LIVE-ACTION Mister Softee. Apparently David Caruso (CSI) starred as Mr. Softee's roommate in a short film from 2000 called "Swirlee"
. Oh the nightmares I will have forevermore...truly freaky.
#4: Modern Ronald McDonald
Does this one really require explanation? The flaming red hair. The pasty white face. The demonically shaped mouth and the pencil thin arched eyebrows. Yikes!
Clowns, clowns, clowns. Clowns are evil. Clowns are bad! Don't believe me? Check out this Wikipedia article on evil clowns
More creepy evidence: There's no shortage of horrific McDonald's television commercials, but this one 'Ronald's New Hairdo'
really bugs me.
#3: Old-School Ronald McDonald
The only thing more horrific than the current McDonald's clown is the old-school original. Who designed this monstrosity? It looks like someone strapped a food tray atop his head and attached a dixie cup to his nose and called it a day (here's the original tv spot with weatherman Willard Scott
). This thing is hideous. If I saw this on the street, I'd run for help.
Need more evidence? Even after they revamped the look of the old-school Ronald, he was still damned freaky. Just watch this commercial.
#2: The Tastee Freez Twins
More soft-serve inspired mascots. Twins 'Tee' and 'Eff', like Mister Softee, have been around for half a century. But unlike Softee, there are two of these menaces, so I'm putting them up higher.
Need more evidence? The wonderful site Roadside America
turned me onto this freaky looking life-sized Tastee Freez statue. Gotta love the soft serve head that kinda oozes into a shapeless face. The lips also look ready to melt off in a big dollop of soft cream. Yum. The naked twin is also a sight to behold.
#1: The King
The only thing scarier than Ronald or Mister Softee is Burger King's 'King'. As if to underscore the King's inherent creep-factor, Burger King even sells King masks online for Halloween
Need more evidence? Remember the "wake up with the King"
ads from a couple years back (here's another
, and another
)? Do you really want to wake up to this guy? DO YOU!?!?
The only right answer folks is "Hells no!!!"