Jace by far says the funniest quotes, especially when people are trying to be serious.
Inquisitor = "The poor parent birds work themselves to death trying to find enough food to feed the enormous cuckoo child who has murdered their babies and taken their places."
Jace =" Enormous? Did you just call me fat?"
Inquisitor ="It was an analogy."
Jace = "I am not fat."
(talking about Valentine)
Jace= "Yeah, he's terrified I'll tell everyone that he's always really wanted to be a ballerina."
"Yes," said Jace unable to help himself," I was trained to be an evil mastermind from a young age. Pulling the wings off flies, poisoning the Earth's water supply - I was covering that stuff in Kindergarten. I guess we're all just lucky my father faked his own death before he got to the raping and pillaging part of my education, or no one would be safe."
Him and Simon arguing always made me laugh, and Alec and Magnus.
Alec, "We're not dating."
Magnus, "Oh? So you're just that friendly with everybody, is that it?"
Isabelle= "How did you get Magnus to let Jace leave?"
Clary ="Traded him for Alec."
Isabelle= "Not permanently?!"
Jace= "No, just for a few hours- unless I don't come back, then maybe he does get to keep Alec."
Isabelle= "Mom and Dad won't be pleased if they find out."
Simon= "That you freed a possible criminal by trading away your brother to a warlock who looks like a gay sonic the Hedgehog and dresses like the childcatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. No, probably not."
Anything Jace says!
I think one of them is from City of Ashes, where Clary has found out she can make her own ruens and then Jace goes: "Someone do me" or something like that and then Magnus goes "A regrettable choice of words"
It made me laugh :D
"Patience grasshopper," said Maia. "Good things come to those who wait."
"I always thought that it was 'Good things come to those who do the wave'", said Simon. "No wonder I've been so confused all my life."
Clary - "Look you can date whoever you want and I will totally support you. I am all about support. Support is my middle name."
Simon- "So that's why you never told me your middle name. I figured it was something embarrasing."
"Is this the part where you start tearing off strips of your shirt to bind my wounds?"
"If you wanted me to rip my clothes off, you should have just asked."
--Clary and Jace
"...in fact, don't touch any of my weapons without my permission.'
"Well, there goes my plan for selling them all on ebay," Clary muttered.
"Selling them on what?"
Clary smiled blandly at him, "A mythical place of great magical power."
Jace: Do you remember back at the hotel when you promised that if we lived, you’d get dressed up in a nurse’s outfit and give me a sponge bath?
Clary: It was Simon who promised you the sponge bath.
Simon: As soon as I’m back on my feet, handsome.
Jace: I knew we should have left you a rat.
Jace: That does it, I'm going to get you a dictionary for Christmas this year.
Jace: So you can look up 'fun'. I'm not sure you know what it means.
Isabelle: You're raining on my parade.
Jace: It's alerady a pretty wet parade, if you hadn't noticed.
"Is standing by the window muttering about blood something he does all the time?" asked Simon.
"No," Jace said. "Sometimes he sits on the couch and does it."
You said you were going for a walk!? What kind of walk takes six hours?"
"A long one?"
-Alec and Jace
I don't remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane."
They didn't," Magnus said. "Your wards are down."
Really?" the Consul's voice dripped sarcasm. "I hadn't noticed."
Magnus looked concerned. "That's terrible. Someone should have told you." He glanced at Luke. "Tell him the wards are down.
Meanwhile," Simon added, "I wanted to tell you that lately I've been cross-dressing. Also, I'm sleeping with your mom. I thought you should know."
"Mom, I have something to tell you. I’m undead. Now, I know you may have some preconceived notions about the undead. I know you may not be comfortable with the idea of me being undead. But I’m here to tell you that undead are just like you and me…Well, okay. Possibly more like me than you” (Simon
They come to a world and use it up. They can’t build, just destroy. They can’t make, only use.
“aren’t you uh…” Clary searched for the right word.” Reproducing?”
Jace burst out laughing as then carriage made a sudden left turn.
“Sure,” he said,” we love reproducing, it’s one of our favorite things.”
-Clary and Jace<3
“If this when you start tearing strips off your t-shirt to bind up my wound?”
“If you want me to rip my clothes off, you should have just asked.”
-Clary and Jace<3
“Good idea, if you’re going to take on a liar of vampires by yourself, you’d better pray first.”
“They don’t say anything, they just nod. The nod means, `I am a badass, and I recognize that you, too, are badass,` but they don’t say anything because they’re wolverine and Magneto and it would mess up their vibe to explain,”
“It’s the mortal cup jace, not the Mortal toilet bowl,”
-"i don't remember the Clave inviting you into the city, Magnus Bane."
'You didn't,' Magnus said, 'Your wards are down.'
"Really?" the Consul's voice dripped with sarcasm "I hadn't notcied."
Magnus looked concerned, "That's terrible, someone should have told you." He glanced at luke, "Tell him the wards are down."-
-"...at least you don't have to worry about rejection, Jace Wayland."
"Not necessarily. I turn myself down occasionally, just to keep it interesting." said Jace.-
-"The cuckoo bird," she said. "You see, cuckoos are parasites. They lay their eggs in other birds' nests. When the egg hatches, the baby cuckoo pushes the other baby birds out of the nest. The poor parent birds work themselves to death trying to find enough food to feed the enormous cuckoo child who has murdered their babies and taken their places."
"Enormous?" said Jace. "Did you just call me fat?"
"It was an analogy."
"I am not fat."-
-- Jace and the Inquisitor
"Meanwhile," Simon added, "I wanted to tell you that lately I've been cross-dressing. Also, I'm sleeping with your mom. I thought you should know."
It was Alec who spoke up first. "What's this?" he demanded, looking from Clary to his companions, as if they might know what she was doing there.
"It's a girl," Jace said, recovering his composure. "Surely you've seen girls before, Alec. Your sister Isabelle is one."
"Besides, it's not a favor," Simon added, "it's a poetry slam around the block from your house. It's not like I'm inviting you to some orgy in Hoboken. Your mom can come along if she wants."
"ORGY IN HOBOKEN!" Clary heard someone, probably Eric, yell.
[Simon]: "Then I'll come alone. I'll pick you up and we can walk over there together, meet the rest there. Your mom won't mind. She loves me."
Clary had to laugh. "Sign of her questionable taste, if you ask me."
"Jesus!" Luke exclaimed.
"Actually, it's just me," said Simon. "Although I've been told the resemblance is startling." He waved at Clary from the doorway. "You ready?"
"Well, you know, your mom gets like this sometimes," Simon said. "Like when she breathes in or out." He grinned at her around his veggie burrito.
[Simon] shook his head determinedly. "I'm nothing if not a man of my word." He squared his shoulders. "I'll get the coffee if you find us a seat. What do you want?"
"Just coffee. Black--like my soul."
"Turgid is my torment!" Eric wailed. "Agony swells within!"
"You bet it does," Clary said.
Alec looked astonished. "What did you call me?"
Jace laughed. "She has a point, Alec," Jace said. "It's those bridge-and-tunnel demons you really have to watch out for--"
"Was it weird, hearing from Jace?" asked Simon, his voice carefully neutral. "I mean, since you found out..."
His voice trailed off.
"Yes?" said Clary, her voice sharply edged. "Since I found out what? That he's a killer transvestite who molests cats?"
"No wonder that cat of his hates everyone."
"Oh, shut up, Simon," Clary said crossly. "I know what you mean, and no, it wasn't weird...."
"No. I have a high pain threshold. In fact, it's less a threshold and more of a large and tastefully decorated foyer. But I do get easily bored." City of Bones
"You know, some people think Shadowhunters are just myths. Like mummies and genies" Kyle grinned at Jace. "Can you grant wishes?"
The fact that Kyle had just called Clary cute did not seem to have endeared him to Jace, whose face had tightened alarmingly. "That depends." He said. "Do you wish to be punched in the face?" -City of Fallen Angels
"I guess your coming as my date now." Simon shoved the phone back to his pocket.
"I'm secure enough in my masculinity to accept that," said Jordan. "We'd better get yu something nice to wear, though," he called as Simon headed back into his room. "I want you to look pretty" -City of Fallen Angels
Magnus in City of Ashes: "Lets just say I was alive when the Dead Sea was a Lake who was feeling a bit poorly"
Jace in City of Bones: "If their was such a thing as terminal literisim you'd have died at childhood"
Jace: "Is there some particular reason that you are here?" Simon: "Not this again." Clary: "Not what again." Simon: "Every time I annoy him, he retreats into his No Mundanes Allowed treehouse"
Jace, Clary, and Simon!!!
Jace: "I guess it's true what they say, There are no straight men in trenches." Simon: "That's atheists, jackass, There are no atheists in the trenches."
Simon and Jace!!!
Jace: "If you ever meet the man that can take advantage of Isabelle ,you'll have to let me know. I'd like to shake his hand or run away from him very fast ,I'm not sure which."
Jace: "No, I'm just a very naughty boy. I do all sorts of bad things. I kick kittens. I make rude gestures at nuns."
Jace: "If you knew how to cook maybe I would eat." Isabelle: "What did you say?" Jace: "I said I'm going to look for a snack to eat." Isabelle: "That's what I thought you said."
-Jace and Isabelle City of Bones
Clary: "You guessed? You must have been pretty sure considering you could've have killed me." Jace: "I was ninety percent sure." Clary: "I see," There must have been something in her voice because he turned to look at here. Her hand cracked across his face, a slap that rocked him back on his heels. He put his hand on his check, more in surprise than pain. Jace: "What the hell was that for?" Clary: "The other ten percent."
-Clary and Jace.
Jace: "One of the Silent Brothers is here to see you. Hodge sent me up here to wake you up. Actually he offered to wake you himself ,but since it's 5 a.m. I thought you'd be less cranky if you had something nice to look at." Clary: " Meaning you?" Jace: " What else?"
-Jace and Clary City of Bones!
Jace: "Well I'm not kissing the mundane. I'd rather stay down here and rot! Simon: "Forever? That's a rather long time." Jace: "I knew it! You want to kiss me , Don't you?"
Jace and simon city of ashes
Clary: "Not everything is about you." Jace: "Possibly ,but you do have to admit the majority of things are."
-Jace and Clary!!!
i agree, anything that jace says is hillarious!
simon "yeah well u clearly couldn't bebothered to call me and tell me yu were shacking up with some dyyed blond wanna be goth u probably met at pandemonium"
clary "i was not shacking up"
jace "and my hair is naturally blond, just for the record"
clary "what does it mean?"
jace "it means 'shadowhunter: looking better in black than the widows of our enemies since 1234"
simon "u invited him into bed?"
jace "ridiculous, isn't it? we would never have all fit"
jace: "there is a fine lne between sarcasm and outright hostility and you seem to have crossed it"
After returning to her apartment, Clary and Jace face the forsaken... They have tea with Madame Dorothea.
"There's a parlor?" Clary said.
"Of course there's a parlor." said Dorothea. "Where else would I entertain?"
"I'll just leave my hat with the footman," said Jace.
My favourite quote:
Madame Dorothea shot him a dark look. "If you were half as funny as you thought you were, my boy, you'd be twice as funny as you are."
Jace frowned. "I'm not quite sure what she meant by that."
"Really," said Clary. "It made perfect sense to me." She marched through the bead curtain before he could reply.
Haha. Clary has got the style... But Jace gets the smiles!
"Don't order any of the faerie food," said Jace, looking at her over the top of his menu. "It tends to make humans a little crazy. One minute you're munching a faerie plum, the next minute you're running naked down Madison Avenue with antlers on your head. Not," he added hastily, "that this has ever happened to me."
Maia: "So we all have to do that? Get drawn on, I mean."
Isabelle: "Only if you're going to fight, you don't lok 18 yet..."
Maia:"I"m not a Shadow hunter. Lycans are concidered adults as sixteen.
Isabelle: "Than yo better get drawn on tan. By a shadowhunter, better look for one."
Maia: "But-" *Looks over at Alec and Magnus, sees them kissing* "...wait, do we have to do that too?"
In city of glass after Simon was attacked and Isabelle was showing him his wound and Jace walks in and says "molesting the vampire while he's too weak to fight back, iz? I'm sure that violates at least one of the accords." or something like that! Hella funny!
One of my favorite quotes is from City of Ashes when Maia is talking to Clary in Luke's kitchen
"Oh, you know. Jace reminds me of an old boyfriend. Some guys look at you like they want sex. Jace looks at you like you've already had sex, it was great, and now you're just friends-even though you want more. Drives girls crazy. You know what i mean?"
Yes, Clary thought. "No" she said.
Jace: I don't want to be a man. I want to be an angst-ridden teenager, who can't confort his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead.
Luke:Well, you are doing a fantastic job.
Jace(to Clary):If a made a joke about just dropping in, would you write me off as a cliche?
Jace:Usually, I'm remarkably good-natured. Try me on any day that doesn't end in y
Why has no one put this one??
*Izzy offers pink drink to Jace*
Jace: I am a man, and men do not consume pink beverages. Get thee gone, woman, and bring me something brown!
*Jace to Clary*
Jace: If there was such a thing as terminal literalism, you'd have died in childhood.
Jace: The meek may inherit the world, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited.
Simon: Have to you tried talking to her [Isabelle]?
Jace: No. We've been punching her repeatedly in the face. Why, you don't think that would work?
Now I'm going to reread the books haha. I missed Jace :D and Simon, and Magnus. TOP THREE!! Even before CoFA. I wonder why not a lot of people liked Simon before CoFA. I always thought he was awesome and hilarious :D
it was the knife that jace had been using to cut the apples. she jerked to avoid stepping on it and her shoulder bummed his __he put his hand out to steady her just as she turned to apologize and then she was somehow in the circle of his arms and he was kissing her. page 290
"I don't remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane."
"They didn't. Your wards are down."
*Sarcasm* "Really? I hadn't noticed.?
"That's terrible, someone should have told you." *looks at Luke* "Tell him the wards are down"
I also like this one:
"That's your sexy vampire mojo at work man. The ladies cannot resist you."
I'm not sure witch book or how exacly the line goes but It's when Clary and Jace are mad at each other and Clary goes to Jace's room. When he answers the door and says something like. "Sorry. You can't draw me naked. But Alec isn't busy."
Jace blinked. "is that a coatrack?"
Jordan set the coatrack down. "if you were a vampire, that would've been more useful."
"yes," said jace, " or you know just someone with a lot of coats."
Oh good. Talking about yourself in the third person. Thats not a sign of impending megalomania or anything. -Simon to Raphael
"is this one of those keep- your- friends-close-and-your-enemies-closer things?
"I thought it was keep your friends close so you have someone to drive the car when you sneak over to your enemies house at night and throw up in his mailbox." (jace)
“Not everything, Jace , is about you ,”Clary said furiously.
“Possibly, “Jace said, “but you have to admit that the majority of things are.”
Clary squinted at it.”Is it going to turn me into a rodent?”
“Where is the trust? I think it’s strawberry juice,” Isabelle said. “Anyway, it’s yummy. Jace? “
“I am a man”, he told her,”and men do not consume pink beverages. Get thee gone, woman, and bring me something brown.”
“Brown,” Isabelle made a face.
“Brown is a manly color”, said Jace.
“I don't want to be a man," said Jace. "I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can't confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead."
"Well," said Luke, "you're doing a fantastic job.”
-City of Ashes
"We were hoping you could help us. I'm Sebastian Verlac, and this is Clarissa Morgenstern-her mother is Jocelyn Fairchild-"
I don't care who her mother is," Magnus said. "You can't see me without an appointment. Come basck later. Next March would be good."
"March?" Sebastian looked horrified.
"You're right," Magnas said. "Too rainy. How about June?"
"Great. I know exactly where she lives." He (Sabastian) offered her his arm. "Shall we?"
Clary managed a smile "You're kind of pushy, you know."
He shrugged. "I have a fetish for damsels in distress."
"Don't be sexist."
"Not at all. My services are also available to gentlemen in distress."
"Simon Lewis, Molester of Passed-out Women" wasn't really the epitaph by which he wanted to be remembere.
"Can you tell me a story?"
He blinked. "What kind of story?"
"Something where the good guys win and the bad guys lose. And stay dead."
"Okay. I've got a good one. A long time ago, in a galazy far, far away..."
"You can't just call the preator. It's not like 1-800-WEREWOLF."
"Just remember, when your mother's gnawing my ankle like a furious mama bear seperated from her cub, I did it for you."
Simon patted the seat beside to him as if someone were sitting there. "Let me introduce you to my good friend no. "
"Let me go. You stay behind."-Simon.
"Yes," Clary said, "Jace won't find that odd at all. You can just tell him you've always been secretly in love with him and you can't stand to be parted."
(Later)- "There is that. I might have better luck telling him I'm in love with him. Jace thinks everyone's in love with him anyway."-Simon.
"I'm not sure she's ever going to stop hating me."-Jordan.
"She might not, at that," Isabelle said. "She's got good reason."
"I don't do false reassurances."
"You might want to button these up. Nice boxers, by the way."-Izzy.
Joradn followd, buttoning his jeans and muttering about how there was nothing stange about having a pattern of dancing penguins on your underwear.
"I need a bodyguard."
Simon eyed him. "Have you been watching The bodyguard? Because I am not going to fall in love with you and carry you around in my burly arms."
Raphael looked at him sourly. "I would pay you extra money to remain silent while you worked."
"We have seen you with them. Instead of spending your nights in the hunt, as you should, you spend them with Valentime's daughter. You live with a werewolf. You are a disgrace."
"Do you act like this with every job interview?"-Simon.
"Maybe he's lonely. Sebastian can't be the greatest company."
"We don't know that. He could be absolutely fantastic at scrabble," said Magnus.
"Saint Magnus's Home for Wayward Shadowhunters," he said in a deep voice. "Welcome." He threw an arm wide. "Spare bedrooms are that way. Wipe your boots on the mat."
(Later)-"But Jace isn't Jace right now--," Magnus began, and broke off as the phone rang. "I'll get that. Who knows who else might be on the run from the clave and need a place to stay?"
"The only way you could raise enough money to hire Magnus by selling lemonade is if you put meth in it."
"Alec stared at him. "Am I the only newest thing in this apartment?'
"I think that honor goes to Chairman Meow. He's only two."
As he slammed out of the apartment, he heard Mangus yell after him, "And the scarf, I'll have you know, is from gap! I got it last year!"
M-"How was the Seelie Queen?"
A-"Same as usual."
M-"Raging bitch, then?"
"Perhaps so," said the Queen with an amused smile.
"Mayhap' is a good one too," Alec suggested.
"Also 'perchance," Izzy said.
"I see nothing wrong with 'maybe," said Simon. "A little modern, but the gist of the idea comes across."
"One does not greet the Queen of the Seelie Court with the barbarous human 'hello," he said, "as if you were hailing a servent. The proper address is 'Well met."
"Basia coquum," Simon said. "Or whatever their motto is."
"It's 'Descensus Averno Facilis est.' The decent into hell is easy," said Alec. "You just said "kiss the cook."
She smiled fleetingly. “We were human once.”
Simon said nothing to that. After a moment the girl held her hand out. “I’m Maia.”
“Simon.” He shook her hand. It was dry and soft. She looked up at him through golden-brown eyelashes, the color of buttered toast. “How do you know Jace is an asshole?” he said. “Or maybe I should say, how did you find out?”
She took her hand back. “He tore up the bar. Punched out my friend Bat. Even knocked a couple of the pack unconscious.”
“Are they all right?” Simon was alarmed. Jace hadn’t seemed perturbed, but knowing him, Simon had no doubt he could kill several people in a single morning and go out for waffles afterward. “Did they get to a doctor?”
“A warlock,” said the girl. “We don’t have much to do with mundane doctors, our kind.”
Her eyebrows went up. “Someone taught you all the lingo, didn’t they?”
Simon was nettled. “How do you know I’m not one of them? Or you? A Shadowhunter or a Downworlder, or -“
She shook her head until her braids bounced. “It just shines out of you,” she said, a little bitterly, “your humanity.”
The intensity in her voice almost made him shiver. “I could knock on the door,” he suggested, feeling suddenly lame. “If you want to talk to Luke.”
She shrugged. “Just tell him Magnus is here, checking out the scene in the alley.” He must have looked startled, because she said, “Magnus Bane. He’s a warlock.”
I know, Simon wanted to say, but didn’t. The whole conversation had been weird enough already. “Okay.”
Maia turned as if to go, but paused partway down the hall, one hand on the doorjamp. “You think she’ll be able to talk sense into him?” she asked. “His sister?”
“If he listens to anyone, it would be her.”
“That’s sweet,” said Maia. “That he loves his sister like that.”
“Yeah,” Simon said. “It’s precious.
Simon: "Is this the part where you tell me that your secretly in love with me? Wow. Vampire Mojo strikes again."
Jace: There's no such thing as Vampire Mojo.
Isabelle(to Jace and Clary): Canoodling, I see. I thought you were supposed to be training.
Clary(to Alec): So, Magnus fixed you? Luke said-
Isabelle: He did! It was so awesome. He showed up and ordered everyone out of the room. Blue and red sparks kept exploding into the hallway from the floor.
Alec: I don't remember any of it.
Isabelle: And then he sat by Alec's bed all night and into the morning to make sure he woke up okay.
Alec: I don't remember that, either!