Special thanks to AquaMarine6663 for letting me use her three OC's, Aqua Marine, Double Scoop, and Blue Fedora.
Our main character for this story is a colt named Ralphie. He will be narrating this story, taking place in Indiana, 1948.
Ponies: *Walking on sidewalk, looking at the snow*
Colts: *Running down street passing a yellow house*
Narrator: Ah, there it is. My old house. And there I am, with that ugly hat, and that dumb smile. No matter, Christmas was on it's way. Good old, lovely Christmas.
The song fades away as we get to the next scene in the center of town, later at night.
Band Ponies: *Playing Deck The Halls with trombones*
Narrator: Downtown, everypony was getting prepared to celebrate the glorious holiday.
Band Ponies: *Playing Jingle Bells*
Colts & Fillies: *Walking to a toystore*
Adult Ponies: *Driving cars*
Police Pony: *Controlling traffic, and blowing whistle*
Ponies: *By a fire in a oil drum, and singing* Joy, going down the mountain, where Jesus Christ was born!
Band Ponies: *Playing more christmas music*
Ralphie: *Standing in front of a toystore with his brother Randy, and other ponies*
Narrator: Higbee's Toystore had a lot of things inside that would help spread peace on earth, and goodwill towards ponies.
Colts: *Staring at wagons, model trains, airplanes, and toy tanks*
Randy: *Pressing his face on the glass*
Narrator: And then, I saw it. The red ryder carbine action two hundred shot range model air rifle. For weeks, I have been scheming a plan to get my hooves on one of those blue steeled beauties. I had tried many tricks that I thought were necessary to get that gun.
Ralphie: *Laying in bed with a magazine*
Mother: *Downstairs in dining room* RALPHIE! RANDY! Get down here in two minutes, and I mean two minutes!
Randy: *Goes to dresser*
Ralphie: *Pushes Randy out of the way*
Randy: Come on Ralphie, I was here first!
Ralphie: Tough. *Looking for a pair of socks*
Randy: *Lightly punching, and kicking Ralphie*
Ralphie: Puts his socks on, and flips through pages of magazine* Cut it out Randy. *Runs to his parent's room* ah. *Finds page with an advertisement featuring the gun he wants, then puts it in his mother's magazine*
Narrator: My mother would be grabbing her copy of Look Magazine, only to find a Red Ryder Sales Pitch.
Mother: *Preparing breakfast* What are you reading about this time?
Dad: Oh, just the news.
Mother: Why don't you tell me about it? *Looks up at ceiling* Ralphie, on the double!!
Ralphie: *Comes downstairs with Randy*
Dad: Did you hear about the one where that stallion swallowed a yoyo?
Mother: Where did that happen?
Dad: Some nut did it in Griffith Indiana. Listen to this. What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's human?
Mother: Uh, Victor. His name was Victor.
Dad: How the hell did you know that?
Mother: Everypony knows that. Is this another one of your silly puzzles?
Dad: Yeah, another one of my silly puzzles. This one could be worth fifty thousand bucks.
Mother: What is it this time?
Dad: Name the great characters in Equestrian literature.
Mother: The Lone Ranger's nephew's human?
Narrator: Meanwhile, I was struggling for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle.
Ralphie: Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store.
Dad, Mother, and Randy: *Staring at Ralphie*
Narrator: They looked at me like I had lobsters crawling out of my ears. I could tell I was in imminent danger, of giving it away. Casually, I switched tactics.
Ralphie: Hey dad.
Ralphie: I'll bet you can't guess what I got you for Christmas.
Dad: A new furnace.
Ralphie: *Smiles* That's a good one dad.
Mother: Hurry up with breakfast, or you'll be late for school.
Dad: *Checks watch* Holy smokes, I'm late already. *Stands up, and walks away*
Narrator: Round 1 was over. Parents: 1 Kids: 0 Then, the inevitable happened.
Mother: Ralphie, what would you like for Christmas?
Narrator: Horrified, my mind went blank, and I blurted it out.
Ralphie: I want a red ryder carbine action two hundred shot range model air rifle. *Closes eyes* Oooh.
Mother: No. You'll shoot your eye out.
Narrator: Oh, it was the classic mother BB gun block, you'll shoot your eye out.
Ralphie: Eh, I was just kidding mom. Even though Flick is getting one. I just decided I wanted some Tinker Toys.
Narrator: I couldn't believe my ears! Tinker Toys? She wouldn't buy it.
Mother: BB guns are dangerous. I don't want you shooting your eye out.
Ralphie: *Glares at the table*
Mother: *Sees Randy refusing to eat his breakfast* Randy, will you eat? There are starving ponies in China.
Ralphie: *Begins to have a fantasy*
Narrator: Mothers know nothing about creeping marauders burrowing through the snow toward the kitchen where only you and you alone stand between your tiny, huddled family and insensate evil.
In the fantasy, four crooks were sneaking into the backyard.
Crook 4: * Climbing down a tire swing*
Crook 2: *Climbing down a tree*
Ralphie's Family: *Hiding under a table*
Ralphie: *Kicks door open, and holding his gun*
Mother: Save us Ralphie! I just knew those bad ponies would come for us in the end!
Ralphie: Don't worry. As long as I got Old Blue. *Referring to his gun* Well, what do we have here folks?
Dad: Well, we figure it's Black Bart Ralph.
Ralphie: Well, lucky for you that I got my trusty ol' red ryder carbine. With a compass on the stock. Well, I think I better have a look here folks. *Kneels on kitchen sink, and looks out window*
Crooks: *Lurking through backyard*
Ralphie: *Pointing gun out window*
Crook 1: Oh no, it's-
Crooks: Old Blue! Oh no!
Crook 1: Seize it boys, the jig is up.
Crook 2: *Climbing up fence*
Ralphie: *Shoots Crook 2 in his butt*
Crook 2: *Falls off fence, and dies*
Crook 4: *Getting on roof of garage*
Ralphie: *Shoots Crook 4*
Crook 4: *Falls on ground, and dies*
Dad: Keep hittin' em! Oh, he's a deadeye, ain't he?
Mother: *Shakes head yes*
Crook 3: *Climbing up a tree*
Ralphie: *Shoots Crook 3*
Crook 3: *Falls on ground, and dies*
Crook 1: Okay Ralph! You win this round, but we'll be back! *Goes over fence, jumps onto a human, and rides it away from Ralph*
Ralphie: Adios Bart! When you come back, you'll be pushing up Daisies.
Dead Crooks: *Have their eyes replaced with X's*
Ralphie: And don't you forget it!
Dad: Well done Ralph!
Mother: You saved us!
Randy: He's a hero!!
The fantasy ended
Ralphie: *Sitting at table*
Dad: *Walking into the house*
Dogs: *Following Dad*
Dad: No, get out of here!
Dogs: *Run away*
Dad: *Mumbling about his car, and goes into the kitchen* That hot damn Foals froze up again.
Narrator: Some ponies are baptists. Others Catholic. My father was a Foalsmobile Stallion.
Dad: *Filling big pitcher with hot water* That son of a bitch would freeze up during summer, on the middle of the Equator!
Mother: Little pitcher.
Dad: Thanks honey. *Hears noise* Shh. *Turns off water*
The furnace started to break down. By the entrance to the furnace room, black smoke was seen coming out of the vent.
Dad: Aha, aha! *Points to air vent* It's a clincker!!!!!!!! That blasted stupid furnace dadgummit! *He walks down a few stairs and falls the rest of the way down* Damn skates! *coughing* Oh, for Christ sake, open up the damper will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? AGAIN! Oh, blast it!
Narrator: My father was one of the most feared furnace fighters in Northern Indiana, but in the heat of battle he wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.
Mother: *Helping Randy put on his coat*
Narrator: Soon, me and Randy were getting ready for school. It was like getting ready for deep sea diving.
Mother: *Struggles to put boots on Randy. Then she puts five hats on him, and tries to put the buttons on his jacket*
Ralphie: *Ready for school* Come on mom, we're gonna be late!
Mother: Don't worry Ralph. *Putting long scarf around Randy's head*
Narrator: My kid brother looked like a tick about to pop.
Mother: What? *Hears Randy crying* What is it? *Unwraps scarf around Randy's head* What is it?
Randy: I can't move my front legs!
Mother: *Moves Randy's left front leg, and sees it move back into the position it was in before* Well, walk on your back legs, and fix your front ones when you get to school.
Mother: *Putting scarf back around Randy's head*
As Ralphie walked out of the house, black smoke was seen coming out of the chimney. His dad was still shouting while trying to fix the furnace.
Randy: *Walks out of house on his back legs*
Ralphie: *Ignores Randy, and runs toward his friend* Flick! Wait up. *Walks with Flick* So uh.. What are you doing?
Flick: What does it look like I'm doing, picking goobers?
Schwartz: *Walks with Flick, and Ralphie* Hey listen smartass, I asked my old stallion about sticking your tongue to metal surfaces during winter, and he said you'd get it stuck.
Flick: Baloney. What would your old stallion know about that stuff?
Schwartz: He knows, because he said he saw somepony stick his tongue to a railroad track on a bet. It froze right on, and the fire department had to try to get it off, but they couldn't get it off.
Randy: *Running towards Ralphie* Come on you guys, wait up for me! *Trips, and falls in snow. He rolls around realizing he can't get up* I can't get up. I CAN'T GET UP!!!!!!!!! HELP!! RALPHIE!!!!
Ralphie, Flick, and Schwartz: *Stop walking, and looking at Randy*
Randy: I CAN'T GET UP RALPHIE!!
Ralphie: Ugh. Come on Flick, wait up for me. *Runs to Randy*
Randy: *Rolling around in snow* I can't get up!
Ralphie: Come on, get up. *Helps Randy get up on his back hooves* You're okay. Come on. You're alright, let's go. *Walks to school with Randy*
At school, one of Ralphie's classmates got the idea to put on fake teeth as a prank for the teacher, Miss. Shields. Everyone went along with the idea.
Ralphie: *Putting in fake teeth*
Student 3: She's coming, quick.
Students: *Getting to their seats while snickering*
Miss. Shields: Settle down class.
Students: *Stops snickering*
Miss. Shields: *Writing her name on the board* Good morning class.
Students: Good morning Miss. Shields! *Laughing*
Miss. Shields: *Staring at students*
Students: *Putting their heads down so Miss. Shields can't see the fake teeth.*
Miss. Shields: *Knocks on desk twice*
Students: *Walking to desk to hand over fake teeth*
Miss. Shields: *Puts fake teeth into her desk* Now, I want all of you to open your books to page 32, learning measurements. Twelve inches equals a hoof.
Three hours later was recess. Flick, and Schwartz were at the flag pole, still arguing about the tongue sticking to metal surfaces in cold weather. Everypony gathered around, but it wasn't anything serious.
Flick: Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb!
Schwartz: That's 'cause you know it'll stick!
Flick: You're full of it!
Schwartz: Oh yeah?
Schwartz: Well I double-dog-dare ya!
Narrator: Now it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a "triple dare you"? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.
Flick: Yeah, I'm not putting my tongue on that pole, because nothing will happen.
Schwartz: I Triple-dog-dare ya!
Narrator: Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat!
Flick: Alright, alright. *Slowly goes towards the flag pole, and sticks his tongue out*
Schwartz: Well go on smart ass, and do it.
Flick: I'm going, I'm going!
Flick's spine stiffened. His lips curled as his tongue touched the pole.
Flick: This is nuts. *Tries to move tongue* stuck? Stuck? *Gets scared* Stuck!! STUCK!!!
Flick: *Crying* STUCK!! STUUUUUCK!!!
Schwartz: Whoa, it really works.
Students: *Hearing the bell ring, and running back to school*
Flick: Wait! Don't leave me, don't leave me.
Ralphie: But the bell rang.
Schwartz: Well, what do we do?
Ralphie: I don't know, the bell rang. *Runs to school*
Schwartz: *Shrugs, and runs to school*
Flick: Don't leave me! Don't leave me, come back!! *Tries to move his tongue* Ahhhhh, AHHH!!
Miss. Shields: *Looking at her students in the classroom* Where's Flick? Has anypony seen Flick?
Narrator: Flick? Flick who?
Miss. Shields: I said has anypony seen flick? Ralphie. Do you know where Flick is?
Ralphie: *Shakes head no*
Miss. Shields: I said, has anypony seen Flick? *Sees student raising hoof* Yes Miss. Pickalo?
Jenny Pickalo: *Pointing out window*
Miss. Shields: *Looks out window, and sees Flick outside with his tongue stuck on the pole* Oh my god! *Runs outside of classroom*
Students: *Getting towards the window, and looks outside*
Ralphie: *Stays at his desk*
Miss. Shields: *Standing next to Flick*
Fire Ponies: *Arriving in a fire truck*
Student: *Gets excited* Holy cow, it's the fire department.
Ralphie: Oh no.
Police Ponies: *Arrive in a police car*
Students: *Gets very excited* Wow, it's the cops!
Fire Ponies: *Talking to Miss. Shields*
Police Ponies: *Talking to Flick*
Fire Ponies: *Pulling on Flick, forcing his tongue off of the pole*
A few minutes later, Miss. Shields escorted Flick back into the classroom. She looked a little irritated, while Flick sadly, but calmly returned to his desk.
Miss. Shields: *Looking around classroom* Now. I know that some of you put him up to this. But he has refused to say who. But those who did it know their blame. *Looks at Ralphie* And I'm sure that the guilt you feel will be far more worse then any punishment you may receive.
Ralphie: *Shakes head yes*
Miss. Sheilds: Now. Don't you feel terrible? Don't you feel any remorse for what you have done? Well, that's all I'm going to say about poor Flick. *Walks to her desk*
Narrator: Adults love to say things like that, but kids knew better. We knew darn well it was always better not to get caught.
Miss. Shields: Now colts, and fillies. I'm going to give you an assignment. I want you to write... A theme.
Miss. Shields: What I want for Christmas.
Narrator: Aha, the clouds have lifted.
Miss. Shields: And I wanted handed in tomorrow-
Narrator: I finally saw a light out of the dark cave of doom. I knew Miss. Shields gave me the answer on how to get my BB gun. Somehow.
As Ralphie walked back home with Flick, and Schwartz (with Randy following behind) four hooves were seen behind a fence.
Schwartz: Boy. Did you see how it stuck?
Ralphie: Did it hurt Flick?
Flick: Nah. I barely felt a thing, but these bandages need to stay on my tongue.
Schwartz: You sure were bawling.
Flick: I never bawled.
Schwartz: Ah, baloney.
Ralphie, Flick, and Schwartz: *Stop walking, and slowly turn around*
Scut: *Sticks his head out from behind fence, and continues laughing*
Ralphie: Scut Farcus.
Narrator: Scut Farcus! What a rotten name.
Scut: *Pushes Randy onto ground*
Narrator: We were trapped. There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So, help me, God! Yellow eyes!
Ralphie, Flick, and Schwartz: *Screaming, while running to garage. They start to climb up*
Grover: *Pops up through hole in garage* RAHHH!!
Ralphie, Flick, and Schwartz: *Running back to Scut while screaming*
Narrator: Grover Dill!! Farcus' creepy little toady. He was mean, rotten. His lips curled over his green teeth! Randy laid there like a slug. It was his only form of self defense.
Scut: *Grabs Schwartz*
Ralphie, and Flick: *Standing next to Randy*
Scut: Say uncle!
Scut: A little louder.
Scut: *Pushes Schwartz towards Ralphie*
Narrator: In our world, you were either a bully, a toady, or a nameless list of victims.
Grover: Alright. Who's next?
Randy: *Stands up*
Ralphie, Randy, Flick, and Schwartz: *Running away*
Grover: *Laughing, and lightly punches Scut*
Scut: *Lightly punches Grover, and laughes*
Grover: *Punches Scut, and laughs*
Scut: *Punches Grover*
Grover: Ow. Man!
Narrator: In the jungles of kid-dom, the mind changes gears rapidly. Weeks ago, I have sent for a secret decoder pin from Little Orphan Annie.
Ralphie: *Checks mailbox, and sees it empty*
Narrator: Oh, scumped again. No matter, today I had serious work to do.
Ralphie: *Looks at theme* What I want for Christmas. What I want for Christmas is an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass on the stock. Boy, that's great. I think everypony should get one. They would make a really great Christmas present. I don't think that a football would make a very good Christmas present.
Narrator: Ah, perfection at it's finest.
Dad: *Pulling into driveway, and honks horn nine times. He gets out of the car with a telegram* It's coming tonight tonight tonight!
Dad: No! Get out of here!!
Ralphie: *Looks out bedroom window*
Narrator: Aha, the bumpus hounds. Da da da da, da da! Our hillbilly neighbors had at least seven hundred, and eighty five smelly hound dogs.
Dogs: *Walking through house*
Dad: No! Get of here!! Hey Bumpuses, come get your dogs here!!!!
Dogs: *Getting out of house*
Dad: Hey honey, get over here!
Ralphie: *Walks downstairs*
Mother: *Arrives* What? What? What is it?
Dad: A major prize, a major prize! I won, I won, I won! Look at this. *Shows telegram* Western Union Telegram. Tonight! Tonight! It's coming Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Hot Damn, Tonight!
Mother: What does this mean here?
Dad: It means it's coming tonight. *Hears scratching noise at door. He goes to it, and opens it* Go on, get out of here you dogs! *Closes door on dog's ear*
Dog: *Whimpering loudly*
Dad: You know what it could be? It could be the fifty thousand bucks I mentioned earlier today. *Opens door*
Dog: *Walks away*
Dad: Serves you right you smelly bugger! *Closes door* Or, it could be a bowling alley. I always wanted one of those!
Mother: How are they gonna deliver a bowling alley here by tonight?
Dad: Well... You know I was just teasing. I wasn't really expecting a bowling alley.. *Pats Ralphie on the shoulder* What do you say we eat dinner? I'm starving.
Ralphie: *Shakes head yes*
Narrator: Every family has a pony that won't eat. My little brother had not eaten voluntarily in over three years.
Mother: Oh Randy! Don't play with your food, eat it!
Randy: Oh jeez.
Mother: Starving ponies would be happy to have that.
Dad: Can I have some more red cabbage?
Mother: *Goes to get red cabbage*
Dad: *Angry at Randy* You stop playing with your food, or I'll give you something to cry about.
Ralphie: Mom, when you're done getting the red cabbage for dad, may I please have some?
Randy: Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double-beatloaf. I hate meatloaf.
Dad: All right, I'll get that kid to eat. Where's my screw driver and my plumber's helper? I'll open up his mouth and I'll shove it in.
Narrator: My mother had a more subtle approach.
Mother: Randy. How do the little piggies go?
Randy: *Snorting like a pig*
Mother: *Smiles* That's right, oink oink. Now show me how they eat. *Points to Randy's dinner* This is your trough, show me how the little piggies eat. Be a good colt, show mommy how the piggies eat.
Randy: *Stuffs his face into the dinner, and eats while making pig noises*
Ralphie: *Looks away*
Randy: *Continues eating with his face in the dinner*
Mother: My!! *Laughing*
Dad: *Sees Randy eating like a pig* Ugh. *Reads newspaper*
Mother: Mommy's little piggy! *Laughing*
Dad: *Hears five knocks on the door*
Randy: *Finishes eating dinner, then hears four knocks on the door*
They stayed in their seats as if they were trapped in ice. Then, after five more knocks, they ran to the door.
Delivery Pony: *Knocks on door five times*
Dad: *Opens door* Yeah?
Delivery Pony: You Bob Parker?
Dad: Yeah, yeah.
Delivery Pony: *Holding clipboard with paper on it* Sign here please.
Dad: *Signing paper* What's in it?
Delivery Pony: I don't know.
Dad: What's in it?
Delivery Pony: *Shrugs*
Dad: *Finishes signing paper* Here.
Delivery Pony: *Takes paper* Okay boys, bring it in.
Delivery Ponies: *Pushing lift with big box on it*
Mother: *Gets nervous*
Dad: Watch the lady.
Delivery Ponies: *Puts box on ground* Here you are.
Dad: Yeah, thanks a lot. Merry christmas.
Delivery Ponies: *Leaving*
Dad: Do you know what could be in here?
Mother: It could be anything.
Dad: Ralph, get my hammer, and crowbar.
Ralphie: I got it. *Runs to get hammer, and crowbar*
Dad: *Looks at the word fragile* Ah. Fra-gee-le. It must be Italian.
Mother: No, I think that says fragile honey.
Dad: Oh yeah.
Ralphie: *Returns with hammer, and crowbar*
Dad: Thanks. *Puts crowbar under lid of box, and hits it with hammer* Boy. They really put this lid on tight. *Gets lid off*
Mother: *Looks at straws in box*
Dad: There could be anything in there!
Mother: Maybe they forgot.
Dad: They couldn't have. It's gotta be in there! *Throwing straws out of box, and finds a mare's leg* Do you know what this is?
Dad: Well. It's a leg.
Mother: Yes it's a leg, but what's it supposed to be?
Dad: I dunno, it could be a statue.
Ralphie: *Feeling the mare's leg* Yeah, a statue.
Mother: Ralphie. *Puts his hoof off of the statue*
Narrator: My mother was trying to insinuate herself between us and the statue.
Dad: *Gets a lampshade* You know what this is?! *Puts lampshade on mare's leg* This is a lamp! I know the perfect spot for this. Right in front of the living room window! *Goes to put lamp in front of living room window*
Mother: Ooh, *Really nervous* Ah! Uh! Ummm.
Dad: *Puts lamp between plants, and plugs in the lamp. However, a fuse goes out for two seconds*
Dad: *Blows on plugs, and taps it twice, causing sparks to fall*
Dad: It's alright dear, it's alright. You know, I guess it's only, one too many. *Plugs lamp in again*
Narrator: The snap of a few sparks, a quick whiff of ozone, and the lamp blazed forth in unparalleled glory.
Dad: Oh, look at that! Will you look at that? Isn't that glorious? It's... it's... it's indescribably beautiful! It reminds me of the Fourth of July! Turn off all the lights, I wanna see what it looks like outside.
Ralphie: I'll go get the dining room. *Runs to turn off dining room lights*
Dad: *Runs outside*
Mother: Randy. *Cleans his face from dinner*
Dad: *Runs to street, and looks at lamp. He points to the right* Move it that way to the right!
Mother: *Points to the right*
Dad: That's right. Move it that way!
Mother: *Slowly moves lamp to the right*
Dad: Stop right there! That's perfect!
Pony 64: Hey Parker. What is that?
Dad: Don't bother Zudock. Can't you see I'm busy here?
Pony 64: Yeah, I know, but what is that?
Dad: It's a major award. I won it.
More ponies started to gather around when they heard the old stallion talking about his major award.
Pony 64: A major award? Shucks I know that, it looks like a lamp.
Dad: Well of course it's a lamp you nincompoop, but it's also a major award. I won it.
Pony 64: Damn hell. You said you won it?
Dad: That's right.
Narrator: The lamp could be seen all over Cleveland Street.
Dad: Oh you should see what it looks like from out here!
Ralphie: *Touching the lamp*
Narrator: My mother was still trying to prevent us from enjoying it.
Mother: Isn't it about time for somepony's favorite radio program?
Narrator: Holy smokes, it was 6:45. Only one thing could drag me away from electric sex gleaming out the window.
Ralphie: *Turns on radio, and sits next to Randy*
Narrator: Kids, it's Little Orphan Annie! Brought to you by Rich Creamy Chocolaty Ovaltine. I could still taste it.
Dad: *Walking back to house*
Mother: *Turns lamp off*
Dad: *Sees lamp off* Hey, you turned the lamp off!