It was unendurable.
Thats all i could say. Nothing had ever seemed so painful in my entire memory. The pain of becoming a immortal. Searing- unbearable pain for days on end. I would get down on my knees and beg for that now.Atleast it might take my mind away for a few seconds.
Her face in my mind- was the thing i always saw. No matter what i looked at. Her voice was all i heard no matter what i heard. And her touch was all i could feel- not matter what i touched.
Sometimes i would wonder how she was coping. A hard topic to set my mind to. Maybe she was Ok?living a normal, happy life. Like i always desired. Maybe she had moved on. Maybe she had fallen in love.
I wretched myself back from that thought.
As much as i wanted that. For her to be happy. It was- not possible to think that way.
The days were becoming harder. Every hour, every minute- every second. Spent dwelling on the greatest loss anyone had ever known. I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t live another second without her. But i did. I carried on. Now it was 7 months- since I’d said... goodbye.
An even now, even though there was a strong possibility- she belonged to someone else now. I still wanted her, more than ever. Imagining myself, just looking through her window one last time. Just seeing her face.
I had tried for too long now. I would not damage her anymore. Surely she was better off now. The wounds must be healing from me leaving. Going back would just make it so much harder to leave again.
i uncurled myself – standing up right. Looking out towards the city in the night. Rio. Holiday makers flocking around to view the night life. Shrieking and wailing drunkenly- staggering down the streets to their hotels.
There was no sense of home here. No sense of anything. It felt completely alien. I sat back- beside the bed. In the lacklustre hotel room. Victoria had out smarted me- that was clear. She wasn’t here. She was god only knows were.
What was i going to do now?
I couldn’t face my family. My fathers unhappiness and worry- esme’s sadness. Alice’s pain, jasper and emmets remoteness. And more than anything else. Rosalie’s smugness. I couldn’t carry on tracking nothing. Did that mean i had to be alone then?
I couldn’t go back to forks. That was unbearable. She should have a life, i had ruined my chance. Did i think of it as a mistake?
No, i don’t think i did.
Because as unbearable as this was. She was still alive. She was probably happy, she probably had moved on long ago- i was a distant, painful memory by now.
Alice had scared me at first. Talking about her, saying “ something bads going to happen, what if she hurts herself” she had said , with blurry unsure visions running through her mind. I knew the reality though
She loved me enough- or still had enough compassion within her soul to do the one thing that could keep me on this earth
She didn’t need me anymore. She surely had moved on, or was in the process of doing so. Maybe she would never forgive me for hurting her.
Maybe i would only have to stick it out for another 60/70 years. As soon as she stopped breathing. I would follow her
That train of thought became too painful for words. I got up and looked at the skyline of rio. Trying to distract myself. The air was was brushing across my face- everying seemed so pointless. Even just moving- just casrrying on, what was the point. Because at the end of the day- I would never see her again.
But was that the truth?
I had nowhere to go. Nothing else to do but wait for her to... die. So my suffering could be at an end.
Thats when it hit me. In the disguisting hotel room. I couldn’t suffer anymore. It felt like the time the wretched mike newton had asked her to the dance- I was loosing the battle. Onbly this time it was a hundred times more powerfull. One hundred times more consuming. My phone buzzed in my pocket but i ignored it- calculating. Probably only alice wanting to know why my future had shifted
. I was going to go back. Because i could no longer feel every second away from her burn me deeper. I was going to find her. This should have been a great sadness to me- to have lost the battle, but my resolve was not picked. All i had thought of for 7 months were ways to return and not cause an impact. Well they would come in usefull now. But at the moment i rode on a jittery high. I was going back to my love, my life, the only thing that was keeping me on this earth right now.
I was going back to Bella.
Within hours i was at the airport. People walking past me- seeing the happiness in my eyes, thinking strange thoughts in different foreign tongues. I thought only of her- Panic twisting through me as imagined what she would say.
Would she turn me down? Had she moved on?
As much as this would hurt me. It wouldn’t stop me pursueing her- i loved her too much to surrender. Maybe once i was strong enough, And i thought i was resilient anough to cope with the pain. But that wasn’t the reality. Because how could i ever imagine a pain so intense so crippling. There was nothing that could ever come close
I scanned the board. A flight from Alaska was just entering the departure lounge. One man struck me. He wasn’t really a man- he was a boy, clearly a local he dashed from the arrival lounge in a such a hurry that he half tripped- several times. When he made it he ran straight into the arms of a girl- the happiness on their faces was so clear- so pure.
I looked away for a minute drowning out the thoughts from around me. I didn’t want to hear their mutual love for one another. It hurt more than anything else.
I heard a voice call- mentally. It could have been any Edward i tried to convince myself. No one knew me here. No one at all.
But the mental voice who called it was too familiar.
I turned round the see Rosalie. People from the Alaskan flight hustling around her with caution and interest. To the mysterious beautiful woman stood inches away from them. I’m sorry she said- her mood very morose- almost mourning.
I looked at her perplexed.
I had to tell you- you had a right to know. You needed to hear this in person. It wouldn’t have been right me just calling you. I’m so sorry.
I approached her quickly “what do i need to know” i whispered so low so that no human would ever have the hope of hearing me . Rosalie looked at me- with an impish yet sympathetic expression.
The images that filled her mind then- were so catastrophic. So destroying. Words couldn’t describe the pain seeping through every part of my body now.
My knees gave way and i fell to the floor- a tiny cry of pain managing to slip through my lips.
I’m so sorry. Rosalie whispered mentally.
It felt like my entire body had gone- apart from my head. Everything was lost. For over a hundred years i had been kidding myself that i was not a monster but now. I was something much much worse than that. In my callous decision making- i had destroyed something so precious, so wonderful, so beautiful- that the world surely cold not exist without it. The emotions coursing through me were so chaotic.
I felt hate. Hate to the monster that had done this. that hadn’t just killed her. But had made her so unhappy- mad her lives so unbearable that she couldn’t even live it anymore. The pain she must have been going through burnt like acid in my veins. It blocked my ability to even think. Broken tearless sobs coming from my chest as i imagined her thoughts.it tortured me- made everything seem unbearable. Because i was that monster- i had killed the only thing that had ever mattered. The only thing keeping me on this planet. I had killed the purest, most brave- loyal Good person. That has ever walked this planet. And i had done it in the cruellest way possible. I had made it – not some murder - But i had made her want to die- her life so unbearable that her only option was to end it.
I felt pain. Like as if i was being burned. The pain of transformation seemed like a feather bed right now- a comfortable rest. This felt like nothing words could describe. I couldn’t even wrap m own head around it. I had lost her! I had lost my bella. My bella
“this can’t be right” i yelled at Rosalie. “it must be wrong” i wimpered my voice hardly audiable- begging.
Alice has tried to go there- so it must be real. She jumped in- and never came up. Edward i’m so sorry- she became more and more panicked because of the expression on my face Look- you know what happens with these visions- Look i mean what if it hasn’t happened yet you could still save her.
She turned her back then. A flight was leaving back to Alaska- she couldn’t stya with me anymore. It was haunting her.
My phone was out of my pocket within an instant. Dialling a number i hadn’t dialled in 7 months. A number i had come so close to dialling within these seven months that they were embedded into my mind. It rang twice then a perfectly pleasant voice awnsered
“swan residence”- i knew this voice as Jacob black a friend of bellas family. “hello this is Carlisle Cullen, is Charlie home” – tired to pull of the perfect politeness of my father. “ no he’s not home” Jacob black said rudely- something mumbling in the background of his call. “ may i enquire to were he is?” i asked- the pain seeping into my voice quickly. Knowing what i didn’t want to hear would come.
I looked at the boards. A flight to Italy was leaving in ten minutes- a flight to sea tac- 15 minutes. I waited for the awnser to see which to catch.
“ he’s arranging a funeral” the words burned me more severly than anything i’d ever experienced
Bella, Bella, BELLA! No no no no!! Please not her!
I threw the phone in a trash can. Barley ven being able to get my muscles to respond.
Italy it was.