If you’re reading this, I’m guessing you’ve read the rest of your diary and know now what I did to you. I can completely understand if you never want to see me again. I just want to explain myself. I never really meant to hurt you. It was never supposed to go this far. I never actually knew how bad it was affecting you. Especially with the cutting, that surprised me the most. I always wondered why you never told anyone, but now I guess I know why.
I always regretted that day you know, when I first hit you. If I could turn back time and change all of this, trust me, I would. But I can’t. And the worst thing is that I kept hurting you more and more each day as if you meant nothing to me. But you meant so much to me Carter. I went to sleep every night thinking about you.
One of the first times I ever saw you in a dress was at our prom. Boy, did you look beautiful. I didn’t even recognise you at first. You probably don’t remember that night, do you? Well, Lucy cheated on me that night, and you got together with her brother, Jake. It didn’t seem right that Jake went for someone that isn’t a whore, so I always had my suspicions as to why he asked you out. When the painful truth came along, I wanted to hug you and tell you everything was going to be alright. But I couldn’t, I was too stubborn.
When you asked me to start hitting you again, my heart dropped. I thought we were going to go back to how things used to be, when we were best friends.
I did a lot of bad things to you Carter, but what I did I your parents’ anniversary was by far the worst. I don’t know how, but it somehow slipped my mind. When you were going to go out, I was convinced it had something to do with Jake, that he had sucked you back in with his little mind games. I didn’t want him hurting you more than he already had. When you decided to leave anyway, I thought it would be funny to play a joke on you for payback. It didn’t even dawn on me about how upset you would get. If anything I thought you would cheer.
I had no idea that you actually cared that much about me. The things you told me were beautiful. My heartbeat became a hundred times faster as you spoke. And then you found out it was all a joke, and told me you hated me. I don’t think any words stabbed me as much as those ones. My mum called me and told me about the anniversary, and that’s when I cracked. I knew I had to tell you how I felt before it was too late.
When I told you I loved you, the one thing I wanted was for you to feel the same way. When you ran off, I was convinced you didn’t want anything to do with me. But that changed when Will gave me a little ‘pep talk’ and pushed me out the door. By the time I got to you, you were lying on the ground in a pool of your own blood. Then I found out that you were diagnosed with depression because of me, and also amnesia. When you called my name in the hospital, my heart dropped to the floor. I thought you had remembered everything, including the bullying. But you didn’t, you remembered me as your best friend. The friend I should’ve been all along.
I knew I had been given a second chance. I knew that this was my one shot to prove how much you meant to me. To prove that the Harry you knew not so long ago still existed.
I know it was a bit far-fetched. Thinking that all of the bullying would just vanish in thin air. I knew you would eventually find out and I was going to tell you myself, but me being the coward that I am couldn’t do it.
There is absolutely no valid excuse for what I did. I don’t think there ever will be. But maybe someday, in about 20 years time when we’ve both moved on and you’ve got a family of your own, when we bump into each other unexpectedly, maybe, just maybe, you could find it in that gigantic, loving heart of yours to forgive me.
I will always love you, Carter Louise Payne.
* * * * *
It had been 6 days since Harry told Carter to read her diary, and she hasn’t been in contact with him since. Harry knew that he would never see Carter again, that he had driven her away. He knew she wouldn’t want to ever look at him now that she knows what he did.
Harry hadn’t been in school at all since then. Instead, he would go to the local pub and indulge in alcohol until his problems disappeared. His mum was awfully worried about him; usually he would come home and talk about nothing but Carter. But now, he either comes home drunk or in an emotional state. Sometimes he doesn’t even come home at all. He was a wreck without Carter, he couldn’t function properly.
To his annoyance, he was constantly getting flirty text messages off Lucy. He never replied to any of them but he wished that she would just leave him alone. Even the mention of her name made his blood boil. He was also getting messages off the likes of Jake and Tom, who taunted and teased him. To think that Harry was once best friends with tom disgusted him. There had been no contact made whatsoever between Liam, Niall, Zayn and Louis with Harry. It’s like they had completely blocked him out of their lives full stop.
Things weren’t going any better for Carter. She hadn’t come outside her room once since Liam made that comment. She didn’t eat, she barely slept and spent most of her time crying, reading over Harry’s note in her diary and self harming. A wave of guilt washed over her anytime she cut, as she remembered the promise she had made to Harry not so long ago. But her life was in ruins, so she didn’t have much choice.
Everyone at school hated her, her brother hated her. She can’t imagine how much her parents hate her right now. Could you imagine your parents watching over you only to see you become weaker and weaker every day? You don’t think they would be very proud, do you? There was many a time over the past few days when Carter wished that she could see her mum and dad one last night, to tell them how much she loved them and how sorry she was.
Over the past couple of days, Liam’s worried had been increasing rapidly. He could often go upstairs and sit outside her bedroom, begging for her to come out. Most of the time he would get a blunt ‘no’, other times he would be able to hear her crying and sometimes, there wasn’t a reply at all. The other boys had been worried sick about her. She had never been this upset over anything before.
Liam also had a very guilty conscience, so after those things were said, he couldn’t forgive himself. Of course it wasn’t Carter’s fault that her parents died. He was considering marching up to Harry’s house and telling him to forget about everything more and more each day, but something was stopping him every time. Of course he wanted Carter to be happy, but to think that Harry was going to get his way after everything, made him sick.
He took a deep breath and jogged up the stairs. He glided down the hallway and stood outside Carter’s door. Raising his hand, he tapped lightly on the door. “Go away.” Muttered a very frail voice at the other side of the door. “Please Carter, just let me explain.” Liam pleaded. “I don’t want to see you.” Carter spoke sharply as she sat herself down against the door.
“Carter, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean what I said, honestly.” Liam told her. “It obviously meant something if you said it. People don’t just say things like that Liam.” She retorted bitterly. “Carter, please, you know it’s not your fault that they died. Mum was already dead before we even got to you. You were asleep and ill, you couldn’t have done anything.” Liam tittered. “If dad hadn’t tried to save me he’d still be alive.” She explained.
“Carter, st-” Liam began. “Just leave it Liam. They’re dead and gone. There’s nothing we can do about it.” She chimed monotonously. “Carter don’t you ever speak like that.” Liam grunted. Carter put her head in her hands, buckling her knees to her chest. Liam sighed, running his hands through his hair.
“Look Carter, I understand that you’re mad at me about the whole Harry situation, but I’m doing this to help you.” He told her. “The only thing it’s helping me to do is come up with more ways to kill myself.” Carter chattered glumly. “I know its hard Carter, but he’s the reason we’re in this mess! It’s his fault! If it weren’t for him you wouldn’t be bloody depressed!” he yelled.
“If it weren’t for him I wouldn’t be alive!” Carter screamed.
Tears filled her eyes as she grabbed the nearest sharp object and began gliding it along her wrists. Blood soon poured out from her wrists and she sobbed quietly. Liam was begging for her to come out from the other side of the door but his voice was soon blocked out by her cries. She wiped her eyes and edged into the bathroom.
Gazing into the mirror, it most definitely wasn’t Carter who was staring back at her. Her usually sallow skin was now as pale as a ghost. Mascara stains from a couple of days ago ran down her cheeks while humongous, heavy bags hung under her eyes. Her eyes seemed to have lost colour and were now more of a dull grey than vibrant brown. A tear fell from her eye and slowly trailed down her cheek.
I stare at my reflection in the mirror.
Why am I doing this to myself?
Shaking her head she grabbed a cloth and dabbed her bloody wrists. She brushed through her long brown hair and let it fall down. Clipping it back, she washed her face thoroughly and looked once again. Although still weak and pale-looking, she looked a lot better as she shot a small smile in the mirror. She lugged her body onto the bed and sprawled across it. Picking up her diary, she flicked through a couple of pages. Memories of Harry flooded back to her.
We were both young, when I first saw you,
I close my eyes and the flashback starts.
A smile crept onto Carter’s lips, but it soon faded. She wondered what she had done to deserve all this, if she was a bad person. She shook her head, self-pity was going to get her nowhere. What if she was never in that accident, if she hadn’t gotten amnesia, would she still be in this mess? Would Harry still bully her, or would they be together? Sometimes she wished that her life was slightly clichéd, like in fairytales. Her and Harry could run away and get married, and be carefree for life.
But no, instead of living every girls’ dream of becoming and princess and marrying her true love, she had to live her miserable life, forcing her to surrender and give up hope. It was strange, why did Carter still love Harry after all her did? Closing her eyes, she put her head in her hands.
I thought you said it was easy,
Listening to your heart.
I thought you said I’d be okay,
Then why am I breaking apart?
Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of her phone ringing at the other side of the room. She rolled her eyes and pulled herself up off the bed, dragging her body to where her phone was. Picking it up, a confused expression spread across her face.
Unknown Number Calling.
In some hope that it could be Harry, she answered the phone. “Hello?” she whispered. “Carter, I didn’t think you’d answer.” A deep voice bellowed into the phone. Carter recognised the voice, but couldn’t seem to pin-point who it was. “W-Who are you?” he voice was shaky and fearful. “That’s not important here.” Muttered the voice. “What?” Carter questioned, sitting on her bed. “I need a favour, Ms. Payne.” Replied the deep voice. “What sort of favour?” Carter’s eyes narrowed.
“I need you to come to the alley down Martin’s street tonight at 10, alone.” The voice told her. “N-No. I don’t know you.” Carter shook her head vigorously. “But I know you. And I also know the people that are close to you. You wouldn’t want your loved ones getting hurt now, would you?” an evil laugh came from the phone. Carter froze, her breathing becoming baited and heavy and her body becoming shaky. She gulped and took a deep breath.
“I’ll do it.” She replied. “Excellent. And remember Carter, if you bring anyone for back-up, you’ll be visiting the graveyard a lot more frequently.” The voice sent a shiver down Carter’s spine. “Okay.” She responded, hanging up the phone. she threw her head back and sighed. How was she going to manage this?
* * * * *
Hours later, it was coming up to ten o clock. Carter threw on a pair of skinny jeans and a hoodie Harry had left behind. Slipping into her high-tops, she unlocked her bedroom door and pounded down the stairs. As she neared the door, she was met by Liam. “Where are you going?” he asked. “None of your business.” She spat. “It’s too late Carter.” He said. “Liam, I’m not a fucking five year old. Now move.” She snarled, pushing past him and reaching for the door handle.
Liam picked her up and threw her over his shoulders. “I’m not ricking something happening to you with the likes of Tom and Harry around.” He tittered, leaving her down. Carter glared at him. “Stop talking about Harry like that! He’s nothing like Tom! He made a mistake and he regrets it. I love him Liam, why can’t you see that?” tears formed in her eyes as she ran upstairs and into her bedroom, shutting and locking the door once more.
Liam kicked the wall beside him and collapsed onto the couch. Why couldn’t Carter just listen to him without making a scene?
Louis shuffled into the sitting room and stood over Liam, smiling a small smile. “She’s never going to forgive me.” Liam sighed. “Of course she will. You just need to give her some time. She’s just upset about the Harry situation.” Louis chimed, sitting beside his friend. “Do you think I’m making the right decision?” Liam quizzed. “I don’t know, do you?” Louis asked. “I’m not too sure anymore.” He retorted.
Carter lay on her bed, playing with her phone. She looked over at her diary and bit her lip. A wave of guilt washed over her. The voice on her phone was quite convincing. What if they hurt someone she loved? Going into her messages, she tapped a couple of buttons before hitting send and throwing her phone down.
* * * * *
“Cider please.” Harry mumbled to the bartender. Receiving a nod, he slumped onto his seat and sighed. This had become his daily ritual, as it made his problems go away. At least for a couple of hours anyways. Then he went back to his depressed self once more. The bartender handed him his drink and he gave him the money. Collapsing onto his seat, he closed his eyes. Why was he such an idiot?
Moments later, his phone began to ring. He picked it up and read the caller-ID. Sighing, he answered it. “Hi Will.” Harry spoke in an abrupt tone. “Harry, where are you?” Will quizzed. “The pub down Martin’s Street.” He retorted. “Please don’t tell me you’re drinking again…” Will said. “I’ve only had one or two.” Harry responded, knowing fully-well that it had been a lot more. “Why don’t you call around mine tonight? We need to talk.” Will tittered. “Alright. I’ll be around later.” He told him. “Do you want me to collect you?” Will offered kindly. “Nah, I’ll be okay.” Harry insisted. “Okay, see you later bruv.” Will chuckled.
A little while later, Harry decided to head to Will’s. He pulled himself up off the seat and left the bar. Staggering down the alleyway, he shoved his hands in his pockets. He could faintly hear the sounds of muffled voices, but didn’t take any notice of them. As he neared the end of the alleyway, he realised that the voices were becoming louder. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted several figures in the distance. Being his cocky drunk self, he strolled up to them.
“Styles!” one very familiar voice mumbled. Harry snapped his head in the direction of the voice and was met by none other than Tom and his so-called ‘friends’. “What do you want Tom?” Harry grunted, dragging the M. “Dunk again, are we Styles?” Tom chuckled. “Shut the fuck up.” Harry snarled. Tom laughed loudly.
“So… how are you and Carter getting on?” Tom smiled fakely at the curly-haired boy. “Fine.” Harry replied instantly, looking away from Tom. “Really? Because I heard that Liam and the boys found out about what you did and won’t let you see her anymore.” Tom smirked. Harry remained silent. “Not so intimidating now, are we Styles?” Tom taunted. Harry clenched his fist slightly, grinding his teeth. “Do you know what Harry? You’re pathetic.” Tom spat, looking Harry up and down.
Harry lunged for Tom, but Tom was too quick. He moved out of the way and Harry hit the ground. Groaning in pain, Harry picked himself up. Tom kicked him in the gut, then punched him in the face. The others joined in and began to beat Harry repeatedly. Harry tried to fight back, but the numbers game was too much. He eventually surrendered and decided to just endure the suffering.
“You can thank Carter for this! If she had followed orders and come here, it would be her getting her comeuppance, not you.” Tom remarked, kicking Harry into the crotch. Harry winced in pain, clutching his delicate parts. “You were going to beat Carter up?! Why?!” Harry yelled. “She needs to learn not to cross me and Lucy.” Tom replied, flinging Harry against the wall. Harry somehow found strength to pick himself up and retaliate against Tom, punching him in the lower region.
“Don’t you fucking touch me Styles.” Tom roared, shoving Harry against the wall. Pulling a knife out of his jacket, he held it up to Harry’s throat. “You don’t know how long I’ve waited to hold a knife to your neck.” Tom chuckled. “You’re a terrible excuse for a man Tom.” Harry struggled under Tom’s grasp. “Oh yeah? Wait until this happens to Carter.” Tom smirked. “You touch Carter and I’ll make sure to dance on your grave when I kill you.” Harry snarled. Tom laughed loudly.
“You’ll have to catch me to kill me…” he whispered in Harry’s ear. And with that, he dug the knife into Harry and ran off.
Harry fell to the floor with a thud. His phone went flying out of his pocket. He looked at the screen weakly.
1 New Message – Carter. X
He pressed the open button to read the message, but fainted due to the loss of blood before he could. He lay on the floor in a pool of his own blood. Traffic passed and so did the night, but no one seemed to notice him. Maybe this was the end.
Centimetres away from him, his phone read:
‘I’m still in love with you… xxx’
* * * * *