"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. You see lately I've been having impure thoughts about- Actually, I haven't been doing very well lately. This is the first time I've been in a church since my mom died. I think about her everyday. I just- I wonder what she would say to me right now if she could see me and see how I've been living. I wonder if she knows, on most days I fall short of being the person she wanted me to be, or I wonder if she saw me do that line of coke last week. And the thing is, I don't even know why I did it. You know, my life is pretty good... it is, but I was just searching for something to make it great... something to make it matter. So, I don't know, I guess last week when I had the chance to change that, and it was right there in front of me. I guess I was just scared to let that go. But I know it was wrong and I want my mom to know that and um, I want her to know that I am not that person... and I'm not going to be."
----Peyton Sawyer, "I will dare
The biggest influence in Peyton's life is probably her late mother, Anna.
Peyton grew up with only a father to turn to and she continues to survive the greatest loss a growing teenage girl could have. For many years since her mother's demise she has been in a very rough place emotionally so she draws...to save herself
. Her art is all about trying to have all the answers which she knew would never heal the scar that her mother's death caused. She's gifted but crippled in many ways. First, she hides her identity through trying to adapt her mother's habits; like being a cheerleader, for example. This need to make herself believe she can have all the pieces back to build what is already gone is what makes Peyton's character a fragile one. She's unable to grow and unable to care about people deeply, believing that she will only have to lose them. One drawing that struck all of us is the popularlink
where she depicted her mother's car accident through a traffic light blinking red lights.
Grasping on hope, Peyton constantly draws, wishing that maybe someday her art could reach out to someone and give them faith; a faith she is desperately clinging onto. Her lifestyle, she knows, is superficial: a popular status as a cheerleader with a basketball star as her boyfriend; late night parties, getting wasted on beer; mornings when she follows a crowd she feels an outsider to. Anger and sadness motivate her art to be provocative and elusive, distinguishing the reality and the make-believe she can take it all back if she tried harder enough.
Surprisingly, her pain makes her stronger than she lets herself to be. She's able to clarify the sorrow and allow it to see things in a deeper perspective. But Peyton remains scared, remains as that terrified little girl who watched her mother die. During her mother's death anniversary, she would try to implicate the car accident, once again trying to make sense of it all. She's a girl who can no longer save herself unless she channels it in dangerous ways. Her art continues to develop, getting darker by each stroke, and her heart still screams for her mother's return, no matter how realistically impossible it is.