Puck and Rachel Special Education
Rachel: "-Broadway show first..."
Puck: "Shut up."
Grilled Cheesus (EP03)
Puck: "I mean I see God every time I make out with a new chick."
Rachel: "Okay, th-that doesn't make any sense. In fact it's stupid!"
Puck: "Are you calling mister Billy Joel stupid?"
Will: "Bad news guys; Puckerman's in juvie."
Tina: "Really was just a matter of time."
Quinn: "What did he do?"
Will: "He drove his moms Volvo through the front of a convenience store and drove off with the ATM."
Rachel: "W-when is he getting out?"
Never Been Kissed (EP06)
Puck: "Lighten up."
The Substitute (EP07)
Rachel: "Did someone say something about a substit-uuute!"
Puck: "Yes! It works!"
Holly: "Rachel, you suck! Oh my god, you're a total drag! Has anyone ever told you that?"
Puck: "I have."
Finn: "Rachel and Puck were Puckleberry."
Special Education (EP09)
Puck: "Are you okay?"
Rachel: "Why are you talking to me? Are you going to steal something from me?"
Puck: "Look, after six hours in that port-a-John, Ozzie himself would've turned to God. I prayed- I promised him that if he got me out of there I'd start being nicer to people. Then I realized there was no way I could do that so I changed it, to just Jews."
Rachel: "It's Finn..."
Puck. "Boyfriend troubles. I got that covered, considering I'm usually the cause of them, I'd say I'm an expert. Walk with me."
Rachel: "Have you been working out? Your arms seem bigger..."
Puck: "It's the steroids."
Rachel: "Puck got Lauren Zizes to take your place,"
Santana: "Nobody tells you anything because A: you're a blabber mouth and B: we all just pretend to like you."
Puck: "That's not true, I kinda like her."
Rachel: "Is something wrong? Did I bite you again?"
Puck: "I did this to Finn once before. I can't do it again... I'm sorry, I have to go."
A Very Glee Christmas (EP10)
Rachel: "I can't believe that that teacher let her students speak to us like that!"
Puck: "I can't believe she threw her shoe at us..."
The Sue Sylvester Bowl Shuffle (EP11)
Will: "Rachel, Puck- haven't you guys been working on something? Why don't you give it a whirl."
Rachel: "Fine. As offended I am by their presence here, I won't let anything get in the way of a performance."
Puck: "-Before I got your girlfriend pregnant and then made out with your other girlfriend..."
Finn: "So why'd you sing that duet with Rachel?"
Rachel: *flashback* "I need you to do this number with me to make Finn jealous." *end flashback*
Puck: "Nothing like that will ever happen again."
Will: "Rachel, have you actually seen a tackle football game? When they tackle you, it hurts!"
Puck: "Yeah, and not in a good Mellencamp way."
Rachel: "We thought about that."
Puck: "Are you ready for this?"
Rachel: "Let's kick some ass!"
Puck and Rachel: "YEAH!"
Silly Love Songs (EP12)
Rachel: "High five!"
Rachel: "I-I don't care about Puck."
Blame It On the Alcohol (EP14)
Puck: "What's up my hot little Jewish American princess?"
Rachel: "What do you want, Puckerman?"
Puck: "Well word on the street is that your dads are out of town and you're all alone in your house."
Rachel: "They are on the Rosie O'Donnell cruise. But, who told you that?"
Puck: "It's the kind of information a guy like me tends to know. So, uh, party this Saturday? I'll bring the beer ball! It's a mini keg."
Rachel: "Forget it."
Puck: "Oh c'mon, just the glee kids! We're losing our minds all stressed about sectionals and stuff."
Rachel: "Regionals. Besides, you just want a place to have sex and get drunk."
Puck: "Yeah, there's a word for that: a party!"
Rachel: "N-no! Noah, my dads, they, left me alone in my house because they trusted me to be responsible!"
Puck: "They left you alone 'cause you suck and are a total bore!"
Finn: "-wait where are you going?"
Rachel: "To find Puckerman! Y'know, my journey from little princess to natural woman begins this Saturday night- at my house!"
Rachel: "Why's everybody leaving?"
Puck: "Because this party blows."
Rachel: "I haven't even had my first sip yet. How am I supposed to write both sides if I can't even throw a party?"
Puck: "Look, if you want everyone to stay, you have to let me break into your dad's liquor cabinet. No one's gonna get buzzed off two wine coolers! I'll replace it before they can get home."
Rachel: "Let's party!"
Puck: "Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!"
Rachel: "It tastes like pink! IT TASTES LIKE PINK!"
Rachel: "Are you lost, Noah?"
Rachel: "I hereby call the celibacy club to order."
Puck: "Where's Ms. Pillsbury?"
Rachel: "She decided to take the hours she was spending here to use it to fix her sham of marriage. In the interim, I'll be taking over."
Night of Neglect (EP17)
Rachel: "There's no way that she's singing in our auditorium, okay! She's the enemy!"
Puck: "I say we give her a chance. I mean, you owe her Rachel, you sent her to a frickin' crack house!"
Puck: "We need Sunshine's twitter followers to come and pay for tickets, so there's no point having a benefit at all."
Rachel: "Don't worry, Puckerman is out right now scouring the pounds for the perfect Pomeranian!"
Born This Way (EP18)
Puck: "Every year, girls show up to my temple after their sixteenth birthday, looking suddenly slightly different- and you know what? Even though it's easier to make out with them without getting constantly stabbed in the eye, they're not as hot!"
Rachel: "Well, this isn't about being hot- it's about conquering your destiny a-and finding something in yourself that you want to change it! Plus they said it could improve my voice, so..."
Rachel: "You can't be in here, Noah!"
Puck: "It's cool, I checked through the peephole I drilled last year to make sure no one was going."
Rachel: "What can I help you with today?"
Puck: "I just want to talk to you, one hot Jew to another."
Rachel: "Oh God, it's my nose okay? I am tired of the lectures."
Puck: "Hear me out. Why are you getting Quinn's nose? If you want to breathe better why don't you have them give you Com Aldi(?)'s nose? Your nose has been passed down from generation to generation as a birth right- it's a sign of survival among our people!"
Rachel: "This has nothing to do with our religion."
Puck: "I need one hour of your time, just one hour. Give me that and I'll never bug you again."
Rachel: "Why did you bring me here? Is there a sale at Claire's?"
Puck: "I brought you here to knock some sense into you. You wont listen to me, you wont listen to Finn..."
Kurt: "But you will listen to Barbra Streisand. Thanks Puck, I can take it from here."
Rachel: "I mean, look at us. Look at all the different combinations that we've had: Finchel, Puckleberry-"
Rachel: "Hit it."
New York (EP22)
Puck: "Okay, can we just talk about the Jewish elephant in the room? Ask her out, dude!"
Finn: "Who, Rachel? But she's totally into Jesse right now..."
Puck: "You're in New York, the city of love-"
Sam: "I thought that was Paris..."
Puck: "Anything's possible here, you need to ask her out tonight! Take her on one of those big awful dates you see in those unwatchable romantic comedies that you girls grow a vagina if you watch all the way through."
The Sue Sylvester Bowl Shuffle