What's the best joke you know?

DIVORCE LETTER

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut,had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore;
you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER Carla and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

______________________________________…
Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although
a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so
much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing
that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother
raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I
didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty do llars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But then I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the
fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter
you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed ,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla
was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

I have three funny jokes.

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

Here's the other one.

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

Here's the last one

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

Eh I don't know if it's the best joke but it's what I have right now. :/
Best friends.. You fight, I fight. You hurt, I hurt. You cry, I cry. You jump off a bridge; I get in a paddle boat and save your stupid ass.

When Chuck Norris was born, the doctor had to call in the bomb squad.

why was the dog sweaty???

A bear and a rabbit are shiting in some bushes and the bear asks the rabbit "do you have problems with crap sticking to your fur,and the rabbit replies "no i dont" so the bear whipes his ass with the rabitt

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

OR

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

I don't know if this can be counted as one

Teacher to student:why are you talking in the middle of my lesson.

Student to teacher: why are you talking in the middle of my conversation