It's a Man's world
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows men to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with: "A man once told me..."
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
It's called a wedding cake.
Our fight last night was my fault:
My wife asked me, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
What's worse than a male Chauvanist Pig?
A woman that won't do as she's told.
In the beginning, God created the Earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man rested.
Advantages Of Being A Woman
1)We got off the Titanic first.
2) We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3) Our boyfriends clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4) We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5) We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6) We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7) Taxis stop for us.
8) Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance .
9) We don't look like a frog blender when dancer.
10) Free drinks, free dinners, free movies... (you get the point).
11) New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
12) It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
13) We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
14) If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
15) We can congratulate our team mate without ever touching her butt.
16) If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
17) If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
18) We don't have to memorize any stupid songs to fit in.
19) We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
20) Our friends don't think we're wierd if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
21) There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
22) We'll never regret piercing our ears.
23)We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
24) We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
25) We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
How Husbands Irritate Wives
Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say, "I think it's time I learn to take care of myslef. You know, just in case."
Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's really greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere.
While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink, then at the mirror.
Next ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favour and get me a cup of tea; my back is just killing me today."
Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper.
Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.
Wait until she's overwhelmed with work, lean in close and say, "Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?"
Pit on a TV programme and then pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Cut it out; you know how much I've been looking forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish."
Wait until she's totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's as stupid, boring and long winded as you can make it.
Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure you're just not in the mood for whatever she's making.
When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white sneakers.
When you retrieve your clothes from the wardrobe leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off.
Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU."
When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, "I'll get the rest of it for you dear." Feign surprise when she says that's it. End with, "This is all you got. For how much?"
Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.
Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, "What the hell did you do. I never had a problem with it."
Whenever the dog, cat or the kids are being cute they're yours. When they need something, they're hers.
Women are like...
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they're great. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now men.....Men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.