-If you're gonna be two-faced, sweetie at least make one of them pretty

like that's gonna happen

-It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt

now ya tell me!

-Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, the rest of our lives they tell us to just sit down and shut up

can u say hypocrites?

-If at first you don't succeed, Then skydiving isn't for you!

that reminds of this one chick

-You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me

they like me better! they like me better!

-My imaginary friend thinks you have some serious problems

you're really freaking him out

-When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back

he was sooo looking!

-Love comes in many colors

so does crap... ur point!

-One day we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject

been there... never done it though

-Dying is a very dull, and dreary affair, my suggestion to you is to have nothing to do with it.

but he is a great kisser!

-Give a person a fish and feed them for a day, teach them how to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks!

to bad those weeks have to end

-Love your enemies! It really pisses them off!

it's really fun when they're mad!

-A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it annoys enough people to make it worth it!

it really does!

-I'm not insensitive, I just don't care

who does?

-The voices in my head don't like you

they're not very fond of me either

-Even if the voices aren't real...they have some good ideas

even though some could destroy the human race

-A wise man once said, "I don't know, go ask a woman."

She said the same thing!

-Some people are like slinkies...they're not good for anything but it's fun to watch them fall down the stairs.

they even look like slinkies!

-If you were me... I'd be ugly!

at least you have good hair

-You can't make somebody love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope for the best!

i did that once! he left the country

-War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

stupid reason i might add!

-Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes, that way you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!

she was so pissed!

-the statistics of insanity is that 1 of every 4 people have a mental illness. Look at your three best friends, if they're ok, then it's you!


-Growing older is mandatory. Growing up is Optional

more people should think about that

-Cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it.

Satan is waiting on the other side

-You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

What now?!

-I live in a world full of bunnies and unicorns...but the bunnies are cutting themselves and the unicorns are acting all emo again

the unicorns are such downers!

-You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

oh Yeah!

-You're intoxicated by my very presence

either that or it's from those 12 beers

-Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!

i see nothing wrong!

-Break my Heart I break your neck

Anger Management

-Flying is easy just throw yourself at the floor and miss (Not responsible for any injuries sustained from throwing self at floor)


-You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor

it really was a bad day

-Sometimes violence is the only way to get what you want

if that doesn't work... try seducing!

-Life isn't passing me by it's trying to run me over

that was close!

-I know I seem mean but it's because I don't like you

simple reasoning

-Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

well it's gonna happen eventually

-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

i soooo owned him!

-Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up.

some don't even live that long

-There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

poor America

-What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

what they go through to get some

-Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought


-You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder


-When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.

What A Party

-I don't obsess! I think intensely.

GOD! Don't Judge!

-All the good ones are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.

they could get a divorce

-There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count.

i'm one of the counting ones!

-They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people

Fair enough

-Amatures built the ark. Professionals built the titanic...

what's the big deal! They're boats!

-those who dont learn from history are doomed to repeat it


-There's nothing wrong with taking to random objects, its when they start to talk back that you need to worry.


-Who ever said that words never hurt obviously has never got hit by a dictionary.

it hurts really bad!

-Who ever says 'as easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried to.

so the ones that don't say it did?!

-I run with scissors; it makes me feel dangerous

feel the rush!

-yeah, Im a loser. but the coolest loser you'll ever meet

that's right!

-save the earth. it's the only planet with chocolate.

best food ever

- I've heard that its possible to grow up. I've just never met anyone who's actually done it.

besides, whats the fun in that?

- No I won't go to hell! it has a restraining order against me

we had some relationship issues

-Kids are the future. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

yeah cuz that line's real original!

-when Life gives you lemons, throw them back, because I mean really? who likes lemons?

not me! that's for sure!

-when Life gives you lemons, make grape juice, and sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.

now that i can agree on!

-when Life gives you lemons, squirt them in Life's eye, and see how much Life likes lemons then.

not very much apparently

I'm not so good with the advice. can i interest you in a sarcastic comment?

-i called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse

oops! did my sarcasm hurt your feelings?

- i used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out

and it's super hard to put bad in!

-I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind! but not my brain. I need that.

damn! why didn't u tell me sooner?!

-smile; it makes people wonder what you're up to

note: smile more often

- i talk to myself because my answers are the only ones i accept!

it's going pretty well!

- therapy is expensive. popping bubble wrap is cheap... you decide

it's actually very affective!

-i used to see a shrink... until she said life isn't for everyone

she was so mean!

- excuse me, have you seen my sanity? I think I lost it

can't lose what u never had

-if olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

awwww! poor baby!

-money can't buy happiness. it just buys everything you need to achieve it

true that!

-the dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide

i wud too

-your weirdness is creeping out my imaginary friend

his name is George!

-tell the truth and run

an important lesson

-if electricity comes from electrons, where do you think morality comes from?

i know some people like that

-Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning many and 'tics' as in the bloodsucking creatures?

another very important lesson

-if everything seems to be going well, you've obviously overlooked something


-education is important. school however, is another matter.

agree 100%!

-i used to be normal... until i met those freaks i call my friends

they're like a disease (jk)

-You can talk to inanimate objects, but when they talk back, you know somethings wrong

that happened to me once

-Don't you dare tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.

think much?

-Two things are infinite; the universe, and human stupidity... not so sure about the universe.

NO! it stops at pluto! DUH!

-Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.


-When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and beat the crap out of them.

that's super!

-What happens if you get scared half to death twice?" That's a really good question...i wonder...


-Unfortunately, you can't die of a broken heart.

How do you know that?!

-Heaven doesn't want me, and Hell's afraid I'll take over


-If you know me, chances are you hate me.

it's alright... cuz i hate u too

-I had a friend once, but then the rope broke and he got away

i knew i should've gotten stronger rope

-Don't worry about the people in your past, there's a reason they didn't make it to your future.

and that's their own damn fault!

-He gave her 12 roses, 11 real and 1 fake and said, "I will love you until the last rose dies."

this one's actually cute

-Sometimes people run away just to see if anyone cares enough to follow.

Sometimes they just runaway because

-Sometimes you make me so mad I wanna throw you in the middle of ongoing traffic, but then I realize I would probably kill myself trying to save you.

who said i was gonna save you

-"I love you" is eight letters. So is "bullshit."

i'll believe it when i see it

-People say love is like magic, but isn't magic just an illusion?

ever heard of a magician?

-You call me crazy, I've been called worse by the voices in my head.

they're sometimes really cruel

-You call me crazy like its the ultimate insult but I just stare at you blankly and say "So"

i'm not sure what to say

-I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

it's actually quite enjoyable!

-Don't make someone a priority when they make you an option.


-If you live to be 100, I want to be 100 minus one day, so I never have to live without you.

who wants to live to be that old?!

-When you said you hated me I felt all fuzzy inside. I wonder why.

i'm guessing it's because you hate him too!

-Twilight made me realize... Real life is extremely boring.

that just increased my opinion

-Tu madre! Yes, you just got burnt in Spanish.


-If he's dumb enough to walk away, then be smart enough to let him go.

if not... screw your head on!

-Keep on talking maybe one day you'll say something intelligent

Like that's gonna happen!

-When I said "I wish you a life time of happiness" after you screwed me over I meant I was going to kill you

my cousin did that... now she's in a mental institution

-Its a funny thing when everyone at the local asylum knows your name

at least you're well-known

-Your intelligence is stupid

just like you!

-I'm a fire fighter, I'm hear to save your ass not kiss it.

screw him! i'll stay in the fire!

-I once believed I could fly. The broken neck proved that theory wrong and it wasn't even my neck

my poor grannie

-My boyfriend and I can't have a public relationship. He's afraid the town will either lock him up in the asylum and ask him what i did to make him delusional enough to like me or run him out for being involved with the devil.

hey he asked me out!

-“Got a problem with me? Solve it. Think I’m trippin’? Tie my shoes. Can’t stand me? Sit your ass down. Can’t face me? Then turn the fuck around!”

best saying ever!

-Sarcastic! Me? Never!

who would say that?!

-If talking to your self is the first sign of insanity, what’s sign two?

i hear it's talking to inanimate objects

-I’m a cold and heartless bitch, but I’m damn good at it

can't argue with that

-Sometimes I wonder ' Why is that frisbee getting bigger' and then it hits me...

OWWWWWWWWWW! That really hurt!


if you don't like me, oh well. newsflash, bitch: i don't live to please you