Riku114 Just Shut Up and Listen

Riku114 posted on Apr 06, 2018 at 04:01AM
For now thatll be the title of this forum. Its rather misleading since Id love for commentary and discussion over it and all. But the main purpose of this is not really for anyone else. My wall is partly and mostly for spreading positive mental health awareness and occasional venting. The Mental Health forum is pretty much the same

This here is probably going to be primarily for myself.

And the main thing Ill probably talk about here if I do is some of the crappy things of my childhood and stuff. Try to remember stuff, talk about it and process it.

Maybe Ill get more in detail when the fog clears up a bit or as my mind likes to pop them back up in my mind when I do.

Maybe Ill never use this

But this is mainly for me to work through things.

Though I must establish something thats kind of strange. When I talk here, I dont want people to cheer me up or tell me my past is the past or anything.

Im very well aware of that, its not needed to be told. And "cheering me up", while I do appreciate it and like it, is rather unproductive for the goal of this. Processing trauma and stuff is not fun and its about forcing out things you dont like and not being comfortable about it and having breakdowns until it gets less.

If its on this forum, I want to feel it. I want to be hurt. I want to work through it, process it and think about it.

Being cheered up simply allows me to ignore it again and that isnt the goal of this forum if I ever use it.

I would also like for posts not made by me to remain in comments only as to not bury the important content and so I can maintain the ability to delete topics and discussions Im not comfortable with sticking to.

Also I do love to be cheered up. That rule is specifically and only for this forum since I have the intent of working through things when I am on here.

If you are an asshole I will knife you.
last edited on Apr 06, 2018 at 04:05AM

Riku114 51 replies

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8 months ago Riku114 said…
I might put a strict no deleting rule against myself on this forum. Not sure tho since I do love to delete posts these days XD

Wanta can vouch since hes the only one who sees my wall posts within like.... 5 minutes of posting them

#Stalker
8 months ago Riku114 said…
This isnt really specifically as serious or anything as a lot of the other things, but it was something I had on mind and felt this was a good place to put it.

But I was talking with Wanta about going off to college and all, and I brought up and mentioned how the really unsure thing about college is how quickly my brain will realize Im no longer in need to be restrained and reserved like I am at home and that I am quite free to be myself, have fun, and express myself without being concerned of having that taken advantage of or being used as a reason to yell at me or get mad at me or call me names of sorts.

Like quite honestly, between my family constantly fighting, my middle sister still trying to work the kinks out from her spending her childhood non-physically bullying me, the whole horrible functionable dynamic of my family as a whole, and the sheer amount that I get ignored/neglected on an emotional level, Ive been dying, dreaming, and fantasizing getting out of here since like.... i dont even know when.

Like Ive been telling my parents to get divorced since I was like... at least seven or eight. I wouldn't be shocked if I was even younger than that.

I know getting out of the house would be absolutely amazing for me and my mental health.

Cos heres the thing about my family and my history.

Part of the reason I became as emotionally reserved (to the point of dissociation) and lacked the ability to even cry when I really really wanted to was likely because, as my oldest sister says, when I was younger and my dad had the worst of his PHYSICALLY abusive tantrums towards my mom and my oldest sister, the more I would cry (note, I was like 0-5 years old at the time), the worse hed get - yelling more and louder, hitting more, throwing more stuff, threatening more, etc etc.

So I guessed from a child I quickly became really numb and reserved towards my emotions, but really as time passed on it just kinda became an issue of its own. My oldest sister became a vocal emotionally reserved person as she was kind of the shield of my siblings. She protected and tried to fix things when we were younger. It kinda led to her getting stepped on and going through things worse than me, but she did great stuff for us. Similarly, but a bit opposite, I quickly became a quiet emotionally reserved person. I pretty much began to learn to disappear and stay out of everyones view and to stay out of issues. My dad started tantruming? My sister would send me to my room where I would let a doll sing me and comfort me. Whenever there was an issue, especially during the violent times, I would be sent to my room and only come out when it seemed the issue was done where I would help comfort people. Like one time I brought dolls to my mom when she was crying because dolls made me feel better, I figured they would help her too.

But anyways, the worst part came around really when my middle sister turned a different path than me and my oldest. While me and my oldest sister were firmly on the emotionally reserved side of things, my middle sister went to the highly emotional loud side of things. And this lead to conflict and problems. When she was upset, the whole house went into ruckus and eventually my mom learned to work with her to keep the house safe and quiet. Satisfy my middle sister to keep my dad from raging and from everyone fighting and things would be alright. I don't think my mom fully knew what she was doing but was more so doing what seemed logical and instinctual at the time so I dont hold it against her

But the thing that happens with that is that my middle sister hated me through most of my life. The line goes "ever since I learned how to speak, shes hated every word that came out of my mouth". For the most part, me and her are exact opposites of eachother in almost every manner you can think of. So that, combined with the fact Im the young quiet sister that learned to be reserved, and the fact my parents wanted to cater to keep her quiet, it subjected me to be in a place where I was pretty much left to be messed with. Between messing with my fear of the dark at the time to constantly getting me in trouble for nothing when she got upset to turning everything, even if I wasnt involved, to some how be about me, I always just kind of got overridden by her loud, emotional personality.

So all of that kind of culminated and got drastically worse when I found Fanpop and kind of tossed away my irl life in like... 6th grade. Because at that point, I found a place I did feel comfortable, happy, had friends, felt free to express myself, etc. And since it was online and I had a computer to myself, disappearing in the family was easy. Id just put on my headphones and play at my computer. I wouldnt bre presently in the house, and I would be so quiet no one would notice me.

And that was the worst decision to be honest. Because from there, and the next four or five years I would continue doing it, it became expected of me to be absolutely silent and on my computer almost 24/7. It kind of took my already low presence in the family and brought it down to near nothing.

And to be honest, I havent been able to really move it up. Often when I show really much of any non-positive emotion in the family, it gets attacked and I often get told to stop or be quiet followed with insults and name calling. If I talk a lot, I get weird looks and people question me. If express myself, it usually gets frowned upon. Plus, the worst of it all is honestly because Im no longer comfortable with sharing much. Especially since I spent the past year or two trying to break out of my invisible corner over here, but after constantly getting attacked for trying, I just kinda gave up.

But really, going to college, I really could feel free to spread my ever-chained wings and project the passion and energy and personality and voice I have on here out to the world and to people around me constantly.... but I dont know how quickly my brain will adapt and realize that and if I would even be truly comfortable in such an environment since Ive literally spent most of my life being asked to be quiet and to let my presence disappear for the sake of my family's happiness and stability.

Ill probably do fine, but its just a bit of a ramble / thought.
8 months ago Riku114 said…
You know... thats just one thing I have to repeat to myself a lot more until my brain actually realizes and accepts it and properly processes it.

My dad heavily beat my mom and my sisters when I was a newborn and a toddler.

My dad was still violent until I was twelve

My dad still yells, breaks things, and hits things to this day

Those three things alone should be enough for me to say "Hey, Ive been through trauma and abuse" without question, but my brain likes to pretend that didnt really happen, or at least, didnt happen to me

Even right now I dont really associate with it. But seriously man, why do I even question this?

Like there was this one time, and the only time in my memory (which might be compromised due to dissociation) where I was home alone with my dad and he was fuming for one reason or the next asking where my oldest sister and mom was and when I said I dont know he hit me on the shoulder all angrily and all. I cried for a while until my mom came home and all since I felt like I was "daddys little girl" and he wouldnt hit me, maybe he would hit everyone else but he wouldnt hit me since I was "daddys little girl"
8 months ago Riku114 said…
But yeah... Thats where I see the difference between the Asian "get hit with a broom for a bad grade" that a lot of my Asian friends dont mind too much and joke about and physical abuse

By no way do I think its okay for the whole Asian stereotype of parents beating / kicking their kids out for bad grades, but when it comes to stuff like that, I find that a lot of my friends who get that treatment, dont mind it because they know theres love and a good intent behind it and that they have control over if they get the broom.

Stuff of physical abuse is where the kid or family member gets it for no reason what so ever. They cant control bad grades but instead they have to try to not make them mad - often with fail. Its not escapable and often it has no good intent and love behind it. Its usually backed by nothing but hate, rage, and anger. And that is often very apparent the difference between a loving spank of discipline, and a punch of abuse.
8 months ago Riku114 said…
Honestly I really just dont feel safe at home.

Not in like... a physical manner any more really. I dont think my dad could do anything really since I can kick his ass if he tries anything.

Its just that when Im weak or vulnerable, my home isnt a place I can be. Its a place I have to be strong in all the time. If I have a breakdown coming along, I try to shut it down before it even starts since its not okay to be weak or have that in my household.

I really personally cant wait to get out and let my brain realize its safe to just be me.
7 months ago Riku114 said…
"That heartbreaking moment when you realize the ‘love’ you are used to, is abuse."

Saw that on tumblr and honestly...

It literally is the worst feeling ever. I kinda remember when I realized it. It really felt like a "Choose to never be loved and to never love, or live with constant abuse. You cant have both."

It was condemning.

I honestly wanted to die so badly right then and there. Its also when my dissociation started to slowly fall apart honestly. Coming to accept that fat alone helped a lot to be honest. Its still one of the most painful emotions I remember feeling (which actually says something that I actually somewhat remember that emotion cos I really dont remember emotions well at all).

When it actually hit me, I actually said Id rather have friends that abuse me than I would be alone.

Its also why I constantly find myself in toxic and codependent relationships. People naturally are drawn to what they are used to, the love they are comfortable with, the kind that they spent their childhood with.

For me, I spent my childhood holding back my emotions, knowing that it didnt really matter what I felt, as long as I could make sure everyone else was happy, all that fun stuff.

In turn, I learned to give my arm, leg, heart, soul, brain, and life to keeping friends that both needed me to maintain a decent mental stability level, and no matter what they did to me in return, I would make sure I would always be able to provide it.

My definition of a friend was (and still is but Im working on it) so horrifically skewed that I didn't believe I could be able to adjust and be comfortable with any other definition of a friend than one that was codependent. Like anything that wasnt codependent was almost automatically a semi-friend or an acquaintance or a side friend.

But really, moving away from that and being able to work on the friendships I have currently on being as not codependent as I could, that turned out well for me.
7 months ago Riku114 said…
f u c k i n g
k i t t y
7 months ago Riku114 said…
Not really related to my trauma, but I find it interesting how a lot of my suicidality in the past were either directly from my anxiety issues or because of a depression caused by my anxiety.
7 months ago Riku114 said…
Though when Wanta said theres stuff from Kitty I am still recovering from today, he was right. I honestly have little to no faith in myself when it comes to making decisions and judgement calls when it comes to interpersonal relationships. It also was simply reinforced by the failure to properly break things off with Cyrus when things were getting clearly bad. It was also reinforced by my incorrect attempts to push my boyfriend away a total of five damn times.

Plus the fact the only type of love, as I mentioned before, that Im used to is toxic. Which is great because when you get healthy affection, you get super ass fucking uncomfortable, and when you get toxic affection, its super ass fucking uncomfortable.

Yay.
Riku114 commented…
Toxicity and healthy feel exactly the god damn same and cause the exact same thoughts and panic and shit. 7 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Should I trust it and push away a good person in my life that Ill regret? Should I ignore it and bind myself to someone that could be toxic? 7 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Whooo knows. Find out on the next episode of Riku struggles with intimate (platonic or not) relationships! 7 months ago
7 months ago Riku114 said…
I'm honestly extremely and almost unbelievably more broken than I let anyone on here see. Sometimes a lot more than I even allow myself to see. Honestly a lot more than I probably even know as I write this.

“Dear boy, you’re all duct tape and safety pins inside. How are you alive?”

Barely. Barely and only standing with excessive dissociation that even now with my efforts to stop dissociating is still present and with excessive efforts to focus on the positive good sides of things in life.

My mental state is fragile. There are a good few triggers. Any unexpected reminder of any of the many shattered and broken pieces of my super sturdy yet super fragile psyche can send me tumbling back for a while.

I'll be fine.

But honestly, my psyche is scared and covered up with layers and layers of make up.

I've been physically beaten. Ive been socially isolated. I've been emotionally beaten, suppressed, and used. Ive been tortured - intentionally or not. All of which have been done by other people outside of myself, but a lot just by myself personally.

Things like that just dont vanish so nicely.
Riku114 commented…
That being Wanta and Zeppie included. And those two saw way more of my breakdowns in the past than I can count. 7 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Personally, the only person I met on here who might understand how horrifically shattered my psyche is and how taped up it is is Cyrus since we bonded over how badly broken we were. But even then its hard to say. 7 months ago
7 months ago Riku114 said…
I really don't know how I will be tomorrow. It takes time for me to really return back to how things were back in my brain from stuff, but I think I might actually just pry open the Kitty box again. Work through that genuine but I dunno.
7 months ago Riku114 said…
Honestly I think part of the reason Im so prone to codependent relationships outside of the obvious is because I am used to, and think somewhere deep down, find that its normal for people to get mad, upset, hut, and guilt trip me for sharing my emotions and my plans.

My mom would always tell me how torturous I am and how horrible me and my siblings are whenever we talk about anything negative.

My dad would always rage and throw shit.

I can see how I got the norm of people I care about and who 'care about me' raging at me for sharing how I feel and being vulnerable to be honest. It makes sense.
7 months ago Riku114 said…
Really, I'm not experiencing anything strange or any of that right now or anything, but just thinking back on it, my episodes of "reliving" shit is really interesting. When you think of PTSD you think of like... momentary sudden heavy strike of it all.

I've kind of had those, or when someone gets me talking about something, sometimes you can literally see my body shaking a bit or my voice getting shakey or Ill start crying even tho I claim to be just fine or something.

But I noticed I have these really extended periods of time where something can 'trigger' me and essentially send me for a good chunk of time into a mind set as if I was still in the situation I was before. Like my mind full on reverts back to the time of it or half way to a time before I had gotten myself as much under control which is where you see me talking about how I'm "broken" and stuff.

I find that normally, I would never assume myself to be broken to be honest. I'm very well put together if you ask me. I managed to find a unified sense of self (for the most part) and goals and I can function pretty well.

Its just during those episodes that everything just suddenly shatters for a while until I have a full on breakdown over a core piece related to what triggered me to reset myself kinda. Its just really interesting.
7 months ago Riku114 said…
Also tho, the fun thing is finding out you have PTSD officially, but also not being able to tell anyone in your family because it would cause issues and make them hate you since you "made them look bad" to your therapist and "made up stories" and are "being evil and dramatic"

I didn't bring it up, but I already know that they are the last people who need to know I got the official diagnosis for it.

To me, the diagnosis means nothing more than verification and agreeance what I am experience is in that category so I can look better at what I need to do to recover. Nothing much else. And because of that, my family really doesnt need to know.

Only my oldest sister gets to know XD
7 months ago Riku114 said…
Honestly XD Also even after Wanta gave me a like.... two message long explanation on it, everyone agrees with the thesis statement that Kitty was abusive, I literally show all the signs of a victim, and have had episodes over it, I STILL cant convince myself she was that bad XD

Maybe its the fact that I really cant put blame on old friends, maybe its because I still personally hold a bit more responsibility for it than I should, but no matter how much I try to argue it with myself, the furthest agreed point I can get is "She was a bit abusive, but not that bad"

Like there have been episodes where stuff I've read from her have cycled in my mind so much and echoed in my head and stuff to the point I literally couldnt read music or even put air into my trumpet

But my mind just cant come up with enough factual evidence it qualifies as valid to back the statement XD
wantadog commented…
First comment on the forum 7 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Feel free to comment XD 7 months ago
2ntyoneplts commented…
Stop I’m so confused uhh confuzled...conpuzled? Idk anymore...the profile pics ppl! 6 months ago
7 months ago Riku114 said…
Also, honestly, I talk a lot about the shit I went through with my family and all, and all that is horrible and all. It really is, its probably the main reason and the foundation for how bad I am with things now, but honestly, there are so many things that just feed into it one after the next - some even outside of my family.

Personally, I probably can get as bad as I am because I was subject to more accounts of not caring for myself and letting others take advantage of me to the point it left long lasting damage

Like my sisters can function pretty decently even though they had the heart of my family issues worse than me. That being said, my oldest sister functions entirely by intentionally ignoring and dissociating from her shitty stuff, but they all manage pretty well.

I partly think the reason they are a little more undisturbed by it is because they managed to make stable, healthy friendships while I kind of just got stuck in a tumble of a lot of my friends disappearing, abandoning me, suddenly changing character, forgetting about me, or being toxic / abusive. It just kinda fed into the already bad and poorly established wounds and jsut made things a lottt worse.
7 months ago Riku114 said…
Honestly though, today was way too much. Dealing with being brought in for my family and crap. I think having to talk that much about it to and around people I didn't want to had a bit of a toll on me, even tho it wasnt that much. Like... ugh.

Having to explain and debate with my mom that my dad is not, in fact, a good person and shit.
7 months ago Riku114 said…
You know you are border lining instability when you hear a little voice/thought in the back of your head go "I just want this all to be over. Let no one mention or talk about it again"
7 months ago Riku114 said…
Geesh tho. Dealing with all this social worker stuff is a pain
7 months ago Riku114 said…
Honestly, my dad makes me want to redact a lot of the flat out lies I told the social worker. No. I do not feel comfortable or safe spending time with just my parents. Literally, almost every time I go outside for dinner, I bring my boyfriend with me solely because I did it once or twice and I got addicted to the feeling of having someone who I know is safe around me when I'm with them. I actually now get anxious and have bordered anxiety attacks simply thinking of having dinner without him there since I dont know what I am supposed to say or do and I get extremely uncomfortable.

No, I do not have a good relationship with my dad. It is not just a non-existent relationship. I want him to die so my mom can live her life free from him. I want him in jail and poor so he can get the punishment he deserves. I want him to realize how shitty of a person he is, and in my good moods, I want him to beg and apologize and make up it up to me and everyone.

No. The abuse didn't stop when I was 12. The verbal and emotional abuse only replaced it. I have heard my mom get called garbage, trash, bad blood, evil, devil more times than I could count. He still breaks things when hes upset. He still violently hits his head and blames us for it.

Yes, sure I do tell them everything I think they need to hear. But the only things I feel they need to hear is nothing other than how much of a piece of shit he is. Thats all of my personal emotion he needs to hear.

I honestly dont even remember how many flat out fucking lies left my lips since half of them were automatic.

"Oh hey Riku, what are you doing for Fathers Day?"

"Oh you cant come in today because you had a family event come up? I hope you have fun!"

"Oh you got into Davis?! What did you family do to celebrate?"

Yeah, my family celebrated me getting into Davis by fucking fighting and yelling and screaming.
6 months ago Riku114 said…
To be honest there are certain events I could think more about and connect emotional with more if I put a little more effort into doing so, but like... no.

I dont really NEED to think about that moment when I thought I was special and safe from my dads fits and how horrific and shockign that was when I found out I was no different and that I wasnt a cute child or "daddys little girl"

BUT ANYWAYS

That really wasnt what I was meaning to say but I read the top of the post before this and had to put that out there.

Honestly, being numb for two days straight and having to stay constantly active to avoid discomfort to the point that just trying to not think for a minute and relax ended up with me tearing up and getting so uncomfortable I compulsively had to draw diagrams of cellular functions to keep myself okay.... not trauma or anything at all

And the idea of having a room mate is almost torturous and triggering because the idea of living so close to someone and them - in a way - acting like family is super stressful and terrifying. Like even my therapist telling me itll likely be good because they will likely care for me and give me a place where I could be cared for and all - just set me off. The idea of living with someone at this point sounds even more deeply frightening than staying at home.

I didn't really get those posts of "People think that because Im out of my house, my constant fear of my family went away - no, now I just get anxious when I hear my loving and supportive roommate walking towards my room" until I started even contemplating livign with someone else.

Its irrational and incorrect, but I think my mind assumes they are going to be just as bad as my family, but they are new so I loose the dominance, control, and predictability of my current home.
Riku114 commented…
I actually probably should but Ill save that for another time 6 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Should think about it I mean 6 months ago
6 months ago Riku114 said…
I dunno where I am going with this. But honestly, the sheer amount of which I just wanted someone to take care of me, love me, and help me was really sad if you think about it. I dunno when or how I developed a sense of independence and self identity that ultimately made it much easier to cope with the fact I didnt have that growing up and that I still honestly dont have it to the degree I wanted it back then, but it was really sad looking back at in retrospect.

A lot of people on here have known me since I was fourteen and all, some since I was twelve, and almost everyone has found that I was much more mature than those of my usual age.

In fact, a lot of the time, I felt I was older than I actually was. Even today Im shocked Im still only seventeen - but really, when you are dealing with severe mental health issues like I was, severe friendship and interpersonal relationship issues, the pressure of having to develop into a person and create plans for the future, and really have absolutely no one older than you who can guide you or really listen to you and give you help without turning you into some evil demon, the world is really horrifying and scary.

The amount of times I felt completely alone in a world that felt like it was trying to kill me was honestly horrible and uncountable.

I was genuinely terrified, even more so knowing I didn't have that parent figure or anything that felt like a safety net.
6 months ago Riku114 said…
Also.... The difference between C-PTSD and PTSD is in C-PTSD, there were just so many things that bothered you, stressed you, and could be considered traumatic to the point you dont really have any specific moments to process through since there were just so many that could be listed and at this point, none of them really feel traumatic. Either they became so null and usual in later life that you just dont feel much from them - or they were so far back in your childhood youve long since dissociated from them and cant feel it much and/or dont see why it was such an issue in hindsight.

Like I could tell you all day of my 4 year old experiences of my dad throwing remotes at us and my sister telling me to hide upstairs and not to come down until she told me to, but I wont really process it much cos I dont really connect with it since it was like... the usual Sunday for multiple years.

I dont particularly remember specific events too much, just overarching events and general ideas.
6 months ago Riku114 said…
Me: I dunno if I really have PTSD or anything. Like I've never had a panic attack that literally made me feel like I was going to die

Me, a year and a half ago in the journal I was reading through: Ahhhhhahahhhahaaaa Amy cant come cos weather in Utah wont let her comeeeee. Ahahhhhhaa I honestly feel like going to have a breakdown or something cause I couldnt get a grip on my head and the disconnection before this horrible news and now Im going on vacation with a whole bunch of people I cant tolerate and Kendall who they kight be a bitch to and we have to hike with them probably and ahhahahahahhh I feel like Im going to die on the trip oml this is great I cant handle my head rn this is horrible holy shit I need to get my head back in place I know its not that bad and I have Kendall so I should be alright but holy shit aomeone kill em before it kills me omg Im going to die this is a horrible idea I cant omg Im fucking doomed I wanted Amy here cause I love Amy and she gives me word in the household and would make this trip awesome but now I xant see her all year and Im stuck with Abby and everyone all year without seeing her and Im going to die in this family Im going to loose my sanity someone kill me someone save me one of the two Ill be happy wirh Im going to go insane skmeone save me I cant do this I hate thos I cant oml oml oml please let there be some hply protection I dont believe in blessing my mental state aomeone oml im more than disapponted I feel like I was given the death sentence god I cant. I cant take a year 9f my family without her coming home. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. I hate this i hare this i hate this im dead im dead im dead I will barely make it though this trip fuck me fuck my lofe fuck everything fuck fuck fuck fuck gaaahh killl meeee this is not good

Me: Touche.
6 months ago Riku114 said…
I need proper help. Its not right for me to feel this absolutely uncomfortable for no reason other than my brain remembering things I dont like.
Riku114 commented…
Not even like full on remembering shit. Just breezing and grazing topics 6 months ago
wantadog commented…
You ever have that time when your brain does a like...montage of 100 super bad thought topics to think about all in the span of like....3 minutes? 6 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Yep 6 months ago
6 months ago Riku114 said…
I do not feel okay in my skin.

I ought to collect images or find something to reground myself.

Or to address the shit in my brain.

One of the two.

Ill collect images.
Riku114 commented…
I can address it tomorrow. Ill live with random spurs of disconnections today until I can go out to dinner with my boyfriend and get grounded back into reality. 6 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Dissociation feels w e i r d 6 months ago
wantadog commented…
I wasted so much money on a nice chair that rocks well that I could have spent on saving for an apartment. 6 months ago
6 months ago Riku114 said…
Seriously though. I am in a crisis situation of some sort like... every two weeks or so. Something comes up that shatters my mental state at least for a day or two and makes the next few days unstable.

My mom goes on about how a therapy session every two weeks sounds ridiculous cos what could happen in 14 days and all, but really, thats plenty of enough for some serious stuff to happen, especially in the past.

I require my therapy sessions to have a place I feel genuinely safe and can relax enough to give my brain enough time to reset and figure things out.

Back when I did group therapy, we started rating what we needed to discuss on a scale of 1-3, but I seemed to be the only one at the time constantly bringing 3s to the table and these were with people with bipolar depression, PTSD, panic disorder, social anxiety, depression, etc. I had really bad depression and stuff then and toxic friends and all, but still.
wantadog commented…
*seen* 6 months ago
5 months ago Riku114 said…
Personally... Im just way too responsible for my family. When I was really young, I was comforting my mom rather than the other way around. I gave dolls to her because I knew the thing that made me feel comfortable was a single bear and my dolls. I didnt understand how to make someone feel better other than dolls, but I brought all my dolls to her. When I was really young, I learned to be silent and not speak to keep the situation from getting worse. I learned to not have an opinion or ask for anything since my desire would conflict with my sister's and cause problems and it would be my fault. When I was a young teen, it was my job to try to translate and mediate my parent's arguments to keep them from fighting. The past few years, it is my job to watch my dad and make sure he doesnt do anything bad.

I never really had a childhood. People say Im mature for my age, thats why.

I took care of my family because it was my responsibility to make sure things didnt get out of hand. I took care of my friends because I found taking care of people was the way to make friends. I took care of toxic friends that sucked me dry, because thats how friendships and relationships work.
5 months ago Riku114 said…
Its honestly kinda funny how both of my parents can go on with the rest of their day pretending nothing happened and Im still left here just kinda.... exhausted and kinda mildly depressed over the shit it made clear and brought back
Riku114 commented…
Imma probably just go chug a Dr. Pepper and listen to NF until everything goes numb or my mood picks up. Mood is too low for Love Stage! to do much 5 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Also, sorry Wanta since I know youll read these when you are awake. Didn't mean to hide it or anything. It just didnt hit until I lost my distractions 5 months ago
5 months ago Riku114 said…
Google: How do you destroy the reminder you dont feel safe in the world outside of when you are with at least one of two people?

Google: I don't suppose cutting your skin open will be a good way to remove the tension in your body, correct?

Google: Is this a good excuse to go back to dissociating? Should I try to force a persona swap?
Riku114 commented…
Im not gonna self harm or anything. But honestly cant say that the idea of it releasing the tension doesnt sound almost tempting 5 months ago
Riku114 commented…
I managed to relax a bit for anyone concerned 5 months ago
5 months ago Riku114 said…
Its just so disgusting how wounded and broken I still am from all the bullshit I couldnt control

After stealing away my infancy by creating a hostile aggressive environment, stealing my childhood with a still aggressive and dysfunctional house hold paired with an already broken psyche that for some reason never expected to live past the age of 12, stealing my teenage years by pushing too much responsibility over the dynamic and mood of the family and by having a broken psyche just getting worse and worse and robbing me of my ability to make friends

And even as I am about to breech into being a 'young adult' and I am finally 'freed' from the toxic environment that scarred and bruised my mind and psyche, I still find that its been so broken and wounded that guess what still gets to haunt me even then.

Fuck trauma

Fuck mental health

Fuck my life

*sigh* But regardless. Im not going to kill myself so the only other choice is to continue working at and through things. As shitty and as unfair as it is, the world isnt fair. Working through it will only make me a better person in the end since I wont let it kill me.

Its just so disgustingly unfair. I didn't deserve it.

Quite frankly, I'm pissed off I was even born - not because of anything edgey or anything. Simply because it is stupid and irresponsible to bring a life into a house that is already abusive and dysfunctional. I have never, not once in my life, saw my family even remotely functional. Its been dysfunctional since I last remember and any responsible parent would have never brought a life into such situations. But of course my parents wanted a Dragon - a millennial baby, and look where I am.

They were irresponsible. They did they crime. And guess what? Im the one doing the time. Im the one who has to find a way to pull myself together in order to salvage the recklessly created life and make it into the best thing possible

And while I sound really pissed off and depressive right now, I still hold that I want to live a good fucking life. I wanna achieve the most that I can and get there and Im sure I can. I know I can. And I will jsut to say fuck you to any possible deity and force that thought it was funny to dish out shitty hands like this and perhaps help OTHERS get out of their shitty ass situations and say fuck the base upbring.

The hand I was dealt WILL NOT determine my future. I WILL figure out a way to make my life great and to free myself from this mental health bull shit. I WILL live the life I want. And I WILL do it begrudgingly and spitefully because I shouldnt god damn have to do it.
Riku114 commented…
Besides Im not the only one whose been through this and will go through it. Im sure there have been a good few success stories. 5 months ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
Well said, Riku. There are also the kind of people that believe in you and know that you are going to make it as well. Life isn't easy. Your positivy and determination to move forward are going to be put to the test time and time again. There will be times where giving up will feel like the best option and the decisions you have made were in vain but do not falter. It's only natural and by keeping this up you'll see that thoughts like these are temporary obstacles that come your way. Success comes to those who persist and in your case, you can do it. I can tell !!!! 5 months ago
Riku114 commented…
And I might be sounding all "pity party" and all "Mines so bad" and it is, but honestly I figure this applies to the majority of people - both in better or worse than my situation. If you are dealt a shitty hand from even just basic mental health or a split family, screw whatever thought it was funny to give you a shitty hand and expect you to live and just live amazingly. 5 months ago
5 months ago Riku114 said…
Not that it particularly concerns me right now, but as soon as I get out of the house, I should really make sure and keep an eye out that my "I have to make my dad fear me and if he acts out put him a corner and instill fear into him (hit him worse if he hits someone)" mindset

I excuse the mindset since its only towards him and no one else in my life, but I do recognize that it isnt healthy and is a good drawn out first step on the path to being an abusive spouse / parent by justifying it too much and getting too comfortable with that being okay.

I do realize that even now, if its the only way of protecting my mom and my birds is to do so, it is incredibly wrong for me to stoop down to his level. I can say "if he would actually put an effort into fixing his behavior I wouldnt have to" but while its valid, it isnt a fair excuse.

Just kinda putting this thought out there since I do know people tend to reflect how they were raised upon those that they raise and those around them and the last thing I would want to become is my dad or an abusive person myself.

I recognize I have violent tendencies when it comes to protecting things I love and they are things I do keep in check of the most part, but its something that DOES need to be stated and pointed out as something that needs good attention over.

With that being said, as long as my dad still tries to verbally assault and, at least as it seems recently occurring again, physically assault my mom, threaten my birds, or me myself - I will stoop down and match him on perfect footing to make sure he knows it isnt acceptable and that there will be consequences.
5 months ago Riku114 said…
This is far too real
5 months ago Riku114 said…
Personally.... I often act put together and like I got things tied up and like Im all tough and shit, but honestly, I just need to be treated gently. I am quite literally just a ball of anxiety and paranoia I am trying to get out of.

I often quote the whole Supernatural "you are all duct tape and safety pins inside" cos its kinda true, but honestly, I am just really fragile. While I might not take things and get super emotional about them, I do have a tendency to let things reinforce issues I have and fears.

Often the best thing for me to have is just something to make me feel safe half the time and like its O K A Y to be who I am - emotionally and everything.

I need pretty much everything my family didnt really have in it and it helps a lot. I do get a good amount of it these days and its what has helped a lot over the past... half year or so?

With that being said, I am kind of still scared of the world.
4 months ago Riku114 said…
Its really hard actually believing you are traumatized or anything to be completely honest here, let alone that you actually went through a long term history of abuse.

Everything that is apparently bad is really normal and the only thing you really lived with. Everything that might be questionable, you've been told countless times that it didnt happen, it wasnt abuse, others have it worse, and being insulted / judged / threatened if you were to actually bring it up. Despite all the "abuse" and "trauma" you function "just fine" so how could that have really been that bad?

Heck, do you even remember what was that bad? Naturally not cos you dissociated from it. If you do remember it, its hazy and often needs a serious push to actually fully genuinely remember it and even then.
4 months ago Riku114 said…
I'm not actually in a negative mood or anythign at all. So really dont worry. I just wanted to put this out here before I ended up forgetting it again

But I was watching some video on youtube and it actually ignited my brain to actually remember more of the details of the shitty time that I was super depressive and super suicidal and what was going on in my head at the time.

Honestly, I still don't really remember it exactly, but there was such a strong severe sense of pain, suffering, loneliness, and confusion. Between dissociation, my nonexistent sense of identity, constant identity crisises, my inability to understand my emotions, inability to understand if I was telling the truth or lying, inability to trust myself, inability to trust anyone else, being in a toxic friendship, being in a relationship that was uncomfortable because it was healthy and affectionate, endless amounts of guilt, persistent anxiety, persistent depression, persistent emptiness, persistent feeling of boredom, persistent melancholy towards the fact that existence was a cruel joke I didnt ask for, and the need for help and attention mixed with the lack of my will and ability to ask for help or attention mixed even worse with the fact little to no one actually bothered to check up on me combined with the fact my parents never took my mental health seriously....

It pretty much led me to just getting tired of the cruel joke that was life and pretty much casually planning and waiting for some kind of death to come take me. Varying between "why the fuck did my dad speed up fast enough JUST enough that I didnt get the cardoor next to me rammed by a speeding car?" to "I could probably say I'm going to the bathroom and sneak out of hte ball then jump off the bridge over the freeway and no one could stop me in time" to full on elaborate plans that I actually refuse to share because I am pretty sure theyd work and once in progress, they would not be able to be easily intercepted or walked out of. I planned those ones so thoroughly to make sure there was no bringing me back to life in with a damaged brain or broken body or a life of dependency on technology. I figured if I was going to plan my death, I would make it final so I didn't have to worry about what such an attempt would do.

But then there was the side of me that also didn't necessarily want to die. At that time, I actually had plans as to how to ALMOST die and create the most panic while dealing the least amount of long term damage. Because if I could almost die, then I felt maybe someone for once would understand how badly I am suffering and would finally take me seriously enough to even consider my existence as meaningful, important, and/or worthy of care of assistance rather than brushing it off as nothing.

The people that cared about me scared me. The people who were supposed to care about me, brushed me off, ignored me, and hurt me. The person I was supposed to know and trust the most - my own self - was my very own enemy.

It was really sheer stubbornness and a sense of responsibility that got me through that time, combined with the medication I started taking for anxiety that managed to make it actually possible to receive the support and care from the people around me that were offering it.

And I think thats the real purpose of medication in therapy. It shouldnt be used as a "happy pill" but rather to make it possible for therapy to actually occur.

At that point in my life, my anxiety was so bad, that literally no progress could be made on anything because said anxiety was so firmly set and impossible to get by.
4 months ago Riku114 said…
what the fuck is my brain / body even doing
Riku114 commented…
I think that is what we call either an anxiety attack or hypervigalence episode. Either that or a sudden extreme anxiety / tension from breaking my compulsive need to be constantly doing something 4 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Maybe a panic attack but I dont think thats the same as other shit I had before 4 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Thx brain, do that for serotonin and dopamine next time 4 months ago
4 months ago Riku114 said…
Im alright, I just kinda wanna confess / rant about something

But Im honestly really not fond of my natural panic / anxiety and mild jealousy that I get from when I see people I am trying to build a friendship with talking with other people or other friends. Sometimes if I dont watch myself, it goes into a really black and white way that made me actually concerned I might have had BPD earlier where its like "Ha of course, they wouldnt want to be my friend anyways" when I see them interacting with others.

Ive gotten really good at keeping myself from feeling that irrational and potentially toxic anxiety / jealousy / black and white viewing of things for more than anything that oculd be potentially risky and accepting that its just a natural part of my trauma and shit so I dont hold the uncontrollable feeling against myself in a way that I feel like its a reason to call myself toxic or abusive or anything as a friend.

Ive had it with Zeppie, Ive had it with my boyfriend, heck - Wanta doesnt hang out with anyone much, but Im pretty sure years ago I had it with him too.

Its just something I personally have a huge problem with my mental health that I have a little less control over than Id like and honestly part of the reason I have so much trouble making close friends in person and all and why almost everyone who I DO befriend, they are strong introverts and see me as their closest and possibly only friend. Since strong introverts with a really small to friend group consisting of like... 90% me give me a friendship environment I actually feel secure in while the really most stupid interactions with other people can easily shatter it.

And honestly, thats probably due to dynamic between me, my mom, and my older sister where every time my mom was just with me, things were decent for most things outside of personal issues, and the second my sister was in the picture, pretty much everything was horrible since shed no longer really care anything about me. Or because of some trauma shit with friends. Or just the fact its part of that whole "what makes a healthy relationship" that Im figuring out.

Being even remotely vulnerable with someone who MIGHT be trade me over for someone else's favor just sends me into panics and anxiety if I sit on it too long.

Not that its okay. Its been something Ive been working on actually for a year or two but have been literally keeping the issue to myself for the most part because I used to be EXTREMELY ashamed and self critical on having the automatic anxiety/panic and jealousy and all. Especially since when it came to people really close to me, I would literally sometimes, just for a good short period of which I let the anxiety take a hold of my brain for like... a few minutes, hope the person they were talking to would die - which is where the talk of "Yandere Riku" comes from.

But Im mostly talking about it since I was watching a "Middle Ground; Polyamory VS Monogamy" and because I just had a bit of a spark of it since I saw my roommate, who Ive bonded to and mutually claimed each other as a team and all, interacting with someone I didnt know who she probably met at orientation.

It doesnt really bother me cos I dismissed it and all since firstly, its okay for her to be talking to other people and secondly, its not like its going to kill the friendship / its not like the friendship is all or nothing. Its really just my bad history and paranoia speaking to me and its nothing I really need to worry about.

And on that same chord however, I dont really need to hate myself for having a brief thought or emotion that is clearly the start of a toxic thing. Its natural and okay to have an emotion you cant control, its rather how you handle it, how / if you express it, and what actions follow after it.

I denied that it was as much of an issue as the quick-to-panic part of my brain liked to make it out to be. I decided not to express it (outside of this which is a reflection), and I didn't take much action after it.

However, I may bring it up with my roommate that I have those tendencies since I feel its a fair and healthy thing to do in order to be transparent about things with her - but that will be only after weve talked a bit more and probably moved in.
wantadog commented…
I hope people associated with you would die in a fiery car accident every day. What's the ish? 4 months ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
Relatable in a way. I mainly used to feel like this in the past. One reason why many Relationships that I had built and have already mentioned to you ended up becoming toxic in the end. Not that this was the cause but my misguided behavior played a part in this as well. Won't deny it. I believe you should certainly look into this matter in more detail. Staying in the clear is best indeed !!!! 4 months ago
4 months ago Riku114 said…
"Why do you have a right to exist and live when everyone else doesnt get to? Shut everyone behind the positive facade. Honestly other people would like your other characters than this tbh"

Shut up you edgelord brain. There arent others to make up an 'everyone' and theres no 'positive facade'. And second, Im like 95% sure people love the me that I am so you can take that up your asshole.

Im not gonna just start crafting a new persona or anything.

Seriously not really distressing cos its R E T A R D E D and an old game it used to play with me back in the day that would send me crazy and shit, but its an OLD game so like... get new tactics man.
Riku114 commented…
Ill give it that being driven and very positive about the future is partly a coping mechnism and I may or may not have taken a bit of a break from processing trauma (which is fair since I am currently not going to have a therapist until AT LEAST September 28th), but it by far is not a facade 4 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Theres no need to try to instigate an identity crisis or uncomfortable dissociation 4 months ago
4 months ago Riku114 said…
Honestly... narrow visioned, hatred is really weird when you know its uncalled for. I get it a lot mainly towards my dad when hes being a literal shit head and thats fine cos its fair or when someone forces me into doing shit I cant handle / harms me, or if something poses as a threat to my brain that takes too many things as threats. Some of those arent necessarily called for, but they are all fair and reasonable things to break into a trauma-related narrowvisioned hatred and shit.

Some guy my mom is selling a phone to makes us wait for 40 minutes then doesnt show up making me have to deal with excessive lunch time rush and do what was supposed to be a half hour trip for lunch, be an hour and half trip for lunch.

That is TOTALLY something worth causing my brain to go into that narrow visioned hatred mode. Is it about my parents or their abuse? No, not really. Is it someone forcing to do something I cant handle? I mean I hate waiting but I can handle it so, no. Is it anything my brain thinks is a threat on my safety? Probably not. Even my retarded traumatized brain isnt THAT retarded.

However, its likely cause it got hooked on the "This is annoying, inconvenient, and wasting my time" combined with the "he will have no repercussions for this" that made a "Shitty person does shitty thing to harm people for fun, and gets away scott free" and THAT is something my brain gets really bad about cause thats brings shit back to my dad

So a "Dick wasting time" turned into "Someone wasting my time for fun" to "Shitty person hurting people and getting away with it" which got me in that mode

Even though I wasnt 100% in it as I was still like "Dude this is overdramatic" and shit but that literaly single tracked mind where the only thoughts are "They deserve to die" "They deserve to burn in hell" "They deserve to suffer in the deepest realm of hell and be tortured for eternity" and crap. So internally Im calm but externally Im not. So maybe its a dissociative thing. Mayeb its not

Its a weird thing but... meh.

It-

Yeah its a dissociative thing XD

I was just gonna say "Its not like its my genuine hatred anyways" and thats pretty much the key phrase for that shit.

Plus it was kinda like I was having trouble getting controls on what I was syaing and feeling and all so... yeah that was probably a strongly dissociative thing XD

Especially since an easy way of describing things is "autopilot" and that was pretty much word for word shit that comes out when I talk about my dad in that mode so...

Yeah total dissocitive thing but

I just needed to ramble on that XD
3 months ago Riku114 said…
I really cant handle seeing people actually stepping up for children being miss treated almost as much as I can handle seeing children get miss treated. I think thats just the odd part of what I was talking about the narrow vision.

It just takes me so off guard to see adults and people stepping in and helping a child and kid with things like that. I think it just brings me back to the fact abuse is rarely so public and on top of that people dont tend to usually stick up like that and just how there really werent people coming to break me from the world I was in as a kid.

I can get really bothered by seeing children helped or just... a child being loved normally. I gotta stop watching those "What would you do" series stuff that has to do with mistreatment of children and what not.
3 months ago Riku114 said…
Ah... this is less of anything related to trauma but I feel I should take sometime to be genuinely honest with myself rather than denying myself the right to actually recognize to myself what I know is honestly quite the truth cause I have a tendency to accept the knowledge that "I am fine / will be fine" as a way to mute other genuine emotions that could KINDA be countered by that but doesnt entirely make them invalid or untrue either

Cause personally, I'm instinctually avoiding things that might make me miss them when I leave or might remind me that I will miss them. I either want to remain or become detatched really early and fast to the point I dont miss anything and anyone or never think about the possibility of missing anyone and block out anything regarding that.

Its really not good cause in that same way and in the same instinctual push to hide and run away from the need to make sure I dont get the emotion of missing or longing, I also kind of detach my emotions and self from everything around me. To be entirely honest, I actually dissociated a bit today cause my avoidance and blocking out got a little too far that I wasnt really in first person anymore.. >.>

Its honestly kind of hard though. I know I shouldnt but its also really hard to not do that, especially since Im home so much and showing that weakness at home would be bad. I know its somethign and an emotion I should process, but finding the time and place for it is hard, especially with busy schedules and what not.

Personally, I am just really good at making sure I dont miss anything and anyone. I got rather good at it because of how many friends I lost in elementary school that actually hurt me a lot more than I felt comfortable showing and ever since the one in the 6th grade, the emotion of longing and 'missing' is like... on the top tier of emotions my brain tries to avoid the most.

So to avoid it, I quickly learned how to detatch myself from people fast, detatch myself from things fast, detatch myself from myself, and just convince myself it honestly doesnt matter.

I just remember the last time I had that crushing feeling and the extreme loneliness that came with missing someone that also combined with a sense of abandonment and ever since theres just kinda been a lock and chained door to ever really caring about someone after they have to leave me or anything. To be honest, for a few years the door was chained to caring about anyone really, but I got over that.

Personally I am TRYING to fight against my tendency to isolate myself before a move so I dont fuck up my wonderful friendships and even worse my relationship cause I know my tendency to isolate and block people out of my memory and emotions is a wonderful way to make something as temporary as three months of college be a weapon on important and cherished relationships.

I'm doing pretty well and I honestly wont miss my band friends too much because I have upcoming plans with them for the winter time and that gives me comfort. Its a healthy way of avoiding extreme feelings of missing someone or anything

The only thing that I reflexively and, almost in a panicked sense, avoid is the idea of missing my boyfriend. Cause no matter how much planning I go through to make for later times to meet up and no matter how much video chat I get, it wont be as good as how often I see him when I live near by and all the affection and jokes and trips and fun and all that. Its just kinda something my brain does not like to even think about and even right here my brain is giving me strong "stop talking about it and block it out lol."

Ill probably find some good time later to process through it, but honestly I cant be saying that "Ill be fine" to try to refute the "Ill miss X or Y". Its not a valid argument. Of course Ill be fine, but it doesnt mean I wont be kinda sad or anything.
3 months ago Riku114 said…
Personally, one of the things I need to work on is the concern that I am a burden to others when I vent or get stressed out or anything. It feels all wrong and disgusting and all that stuff.

Even though I do say that however, I feel rather comfortable and fine with keeping things to myself more lately than before. In the past if I kept it to myself it would just be like telling my worst enemy or a devil out to hurt me or torture me because it would cycle in my head, beating me when Im already down until I didnt want anything more to do with my own mind.

As of late, it seems Ive finally made friends with myself and that I actually respond to myself with comfort and support. If something freaks me out, I can kind of work through it since my mind reminds me of the better stuff than adding to the fire. Its just rather nice.
2 months ago Riku114 said…
Honestly this is more of a ramble Im putting out there, but it seems I am stuck automatically detatching and both coming off as and kinda feeling extremely exhausted around people as a result from the emotional detatchment that comes when I hang around people, even my roommates that I love

It isnt too horrible - Im kinda used to it, but its less comfortable and freeing than I am when I am around my boyfriend almost everyday and I kind of miss that. The freeing feeling of having him by me all the time and what not.

With that being said, one of my fellow trumpet freshmen seemed to have picked up that beyond my constantly-busy seeming constantly-exhausted seeming personality I cant turn off, that I have a soft heart and apparently noticed I have "really good vibes" and a "contagious energy" and honestly that kinda made my night. Its been a while since someone saw the defensive and emotional detatchment I do out of my control and simply said "Even though / Besides that" and actually saw beyond it and its actually a pretty feel good thing.

Its a work in progress though. Ill continue pushing it and Ill be getting back into therapy so thats good XD
last edited 2 months ago
1 month ago Riku114 said…
Honestly its just so much easier for me to just disappear from everyone and everyone's life than it is for me to actually try to actually befriend and make meaningful connections with people. Disappearing and assuming a place and position where my life holds little direct significance or matter to anyones life and their life holding very little direct significance is just so much more natural and an easier assumption to handle.

Like just going about doing my life and ignoring everyone else and everyone else ignoring me and just me shining over and above everyone with success is just the comfortable level of attention and life Im used to and am comfortable with. Everyone knows me, everyone notices me, and if needed, everyone listens, pays attention to, and respects me.

But honestly I know thats probably not the best thing but its just something Im not really good at. Even when Im forced to be around people all the time Im just behind like 900 walls and presenting myself extremely different than I would if I was alone and only let them remotely down when I am back to being alone.

To this day, I honestly have only maintained and kept strong connections to one person. I am working on it with others and have actually established and recognized a friendship for the first time in ages, but it just feels so off and wrong.

Maybe itll be something Ill bring up in therapy on Thursday.
1 month ago Riku114 said…
I honest to god can't stand boredom especially when I was recently in a bad mental state or something similar recently. I get such bad urges to do myself harm, either mentally or physically since the lack of motivation and lack of drive and all that stuff makes me feel numb and bored with life.

Re-snapping my ankle, self sabotaging mental health, pressing my letter cutter into my skin. Nothing ever too bad and I rarely act out on even the smaller things but I hate sitting still and being bored. I need something to keep me on my toes.
JetBlack__ commented…
Yeah,that sucks even for me I could watch waiting Anime list..still not in the mood for it. being bored is pain in the ass.. 1 month ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
^ !!!! 1 month ago
25 days ago Riku114 said…
I really forget how extremely lonely and scared I used to be as a kid. Like... to be entirely honest, I genuine do not remember and have forgotten. Like... Ive always genuinely remembered I was a kinda lonely kid, but what with the small semi-memory that had an emotion I experienced for the first time in ages of some rather negative stuff in my life.... I was so grossly lonely.

It makes a lot of sense as to why I really love anime that feature that charisma and "family-in-not-blood-family" like the teams in Kuroko no Basket, Homra in K, the whole family thing in Owari no Seraph and part of why its something Ive always dreamed of and wished I could eventually put together some how even though Im very inept at making meaningful friendships particularly offline.

Like I was the happiest thing in the world for the first few weeks with my roommate because we all quickly resonated with one another and agreed to be eachothers family since none of us really... had a family, but that kind of deteriorated fast and we are kinda just normal roommates. I mean the genuine feeling like it IS an actual family in the trumpet section is amazing and its why its actually one of the places I feel comfortable but I honest to god always just wanted to sense of having a family or a group of people I could rely on through thick and thin. While I might hae some of that online, its really not the same.

Personally Imma not delve too deep into it since I dont really want to bother that sleeping dragon when Im no around my therapist and while Im still in the dorm where I dont really feel safe but....

Man that memory last session was such extreme loneliness and extreme fear and I didnt even REALLY remember it. Imma stop writing about it cause its really not a fun thought or anything but... eh.
Riku114 commented…
Well I didnt think I was a lonely kid when I was one. I only noticed I was a lonely kid when I was like.... 16 or something. Might be a good chunk also why I have alters that I talk to and get help from. Didn't really have anyone else to talk to me and I never really had anyone else to give me comfort so it wouldnt be shocking that I instead festered in and befriended myself. 25 days ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
Loneliness and the desires that stem from it... Relatable. A lot of these parts. Not surprising at all when thinking about it !!!! 25 days ago
23 days ago Riku114 said…
Okay so this is less of a rant or anything, but just me commenting on this weird ass time distortion that Im experiencing that makes no sense :v

So I just got home from college for Thanksgiving break. I landed about six hours ago and that is what I know FACTUALLY to my memory.

HERES THE TWIST

It feels like I've only been gone for maybe a week at most; heck, I could almsot claim it felt like I never left. As in there was ZERO time from the last memories of me being home to now. I KNOW there was time there and that I was at college for about two months, but my mind continuum feels like its picking up from the same day of my last general idea. There is no feeling of readjustment or anything. Its not just a "nothing changed" or "this is so welcoming", its literally a "just another day at home"

If THAT wasnt odd enough, it ALSO feels like the time I was at college was ageeeess ago. Its not like I forgot the time. I can generally recall on it, as vague and generally thin it suddenly became, but instead of feeling liek stuff I legit did today and yesterday and the past few weeks to MONTHS, it just feels like it was ageees ago. Like forever. Months and months ago.

So on one hand I know Ive been here for 6 hours and I was gone for two months. On the other hand, I feel like I never left and on the other hand it feels like I did leave, but it was a long while ago.

Time :v Memory :v Emotions :v Get you ass together.

If we didnt keep a mental log of details of things that go on this could be problematic :v
10 days ago Riku114 said…
Its odd. I thought more about my lack of memory and stuff again and started getting annoyed about how my childhood and pretty much my entire life is getting eaten away just as I make it and I just felt a bit of a "man Im getting depressed" followed by just a "its kind of nice. I miss this feeling. Im tired of being happy."

And while I dont think that is fair, I miss being real with myself. I can function great if I ignore that I know that Im not where I could be, that I am ignoring thigns I should work on and fix, that I am taking the easy route and giving up at a place Im not satisfied with. And that sounds like the whole "never being satisfied" thing that some people get stuck in, but its less that Im not satisfied, its more that I know Im lying to myself that I am good and that I am hiding a lot of what makes me broken and dysfunctional in some places is because of all that stuff I PRETEND isnt there.

So in the short, I kind of miss it. I miss feeling like crap because it feels much more real and much more genuine. But thats probably only because thats the world Im used to, I know Im being pretty real when Im happy as well. Its just I wish I could remember and understand that I was in really bad places in the past and I wish I could actually get all that stuff. I dont care how much it hurts, I want it to hurt. Not because I want to feel pain, but because I want to go back to what I suffered and right the wrongs. I want to understand the pain I went through and I want to accept it. If I wont open up to myself, I cant. If I cant, I am not being the most real to myself.

But yeah, thats a bit of a part two to the rant about this.

Im really casual about it and Ive been told by some people that its a bit of a blessing, and I guess it is. It kinda is a blessing, but its way more torture. I downplay it a lot, much like I downplay my Trich and a lot of long term chronic issues of mine which might NEVER go away (not that Imma accept that) but its not a blessing, at least not enough of one to deserve the title when also broguht with how much of a damn curse it is.
Riku114 commented…
Its actually almost to the point I WANT somethign to trigger me. If something could crack open that thick shell of not remembering things, Id be both super uncomfortable and upset, but if it meant I could remember stuff, Id be happy through the entire thing. At least a bit on the inside. 10 days ago
6 days ago Riku114 said…
Do I have a fifth - therapy / internally focused fragment???