Riku114 Redacted / Unpolished Mental Health Writings and Other Stuff for Open Discussion

Riku114 posted on Dec 02, 2018 at 07:07AM
Imma share some here as I go through them randomly. Feel like I might go back to them. Figured some of you might find some interesting and Imma share some I took back.

Usually I take them back cause I decided I was no longer comfortable with it, I started to tangent / ramble too much and lost track of where I was, felt it sounded too crazy and/or started to get the "This is a big lie" feeling that made me retract it. So here will be the ones I will share XD


A lot of these are unpolished and were retracted for a reason. They might not be currently accurate and might not have even been accurate at the original time of writing.

These are more for interesting things I wrote and saved or similar things.

Also I might post some of my journal entries here instead of the articles like I mentioned before cause I dont think Ill ever have the energy and time to actually make formal articles

I would love for discussion, this isn't like my "Just Shut Up" forum. XD

Riku114 2 replies

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14 days ago Riku114 said…

Anyways this forum is a cool idea so Il lstill use it
11 days ago Riku114 said…
So Imma just draft out some thoughts after my therapy session and we were debating a few things like whether a situation before was Aderis the whole time or not, and exactly how many alters / fragmentations we can count. We had to debate whether something was me (Riku) or a fifth fragmentation but I dont think so to be honest, especially since I have no buffer between me at college and me online.

So to quickly denote the main things about each fragmentation or whatever.

Riku, if I were to summarize it with a mix of my own words and what my therapist was suggesting, is the parental sociophobe. At first I was in protest to the title of 'sociophobe' cause well... you guys know me XD But apparently online behavior doesn't qualify as socialization and I am actually extremely uncomfortable and avoidant of social situations unless put in a leader position or parental position. Heck, I might even actually say that might apply online as well. If you take my role as a leader or higher rank away from me, I actually loose the majority of my social skills with it and tend to both get more avoidant, anxious, and generally depressed. I don't know how to behave, do not feel welcome, do not feel liked, and I do feel judged for every movement I do if I am not someone with seniority, parental placement, or leadership. Likewise would also explain why I can do speeches and announcements and organize socials with people I am in a "superior" (for the lack of better words) position, but when it comes to people that are peers, I loose any presentation skills I have and start talking really fast and pretty much go back to everyones level of failure at presentating. I wouldn't go to say I have severe social anxiety, but I could see it with some level of compulsive coping. So if I were to call it anything, Id be the parental sociophobe.

Aderis is the egotistical, cocky, vindictive borderline as described in the similar way above. Carrying the majority of the traits that made me match for the borderline description from the impulsivity, unstable relationships, strong avoidance of abandonment and harm, easily angered, very wrathful and all, it would make sense that shes actually borderline - but that still isn't a diagnosis. Typically she only handles anger and wrath and subs in whenever there is fear or a threat. In addition, shes very mature.... age wise I suppose. When she isnt being a psychopathic bitch, shes actually rather well put together and normally aged, maybe a bit older than Id assume. Also shes very selectively protective. The only one I am aware of other than "Anna" that she grew very protective of is Kitty, but I am debating if Kendall was added to it - especially since I dont have constant communication with it.

Lucille is the good-intentioned rational mediator and, as my therapist notes, probably Autistic with how he personally handles emotions. He is very emotionally detatched, but does have a strong understanding of emotions and is aware of how they function, but personally doesn't tend to really feel or relate too strongly to any of them. He is really level headed and a great problem solver, but he isn't necessarily the best at communicating advice and thus, if he has something to add to a social situation or to a problem, he would likely not actually front as much as advise. If hes out front its usually pretty awkward or has a lot of "this probably sounds like me being an asshole but [insert cold but clearly well meaning 'help']" or "I can't help you without saying something that would make it worse."

Then "Anna" who is clearly the core personality has PTSD and is probably stunted age wise in maturity. Where as the majority of the ones listed above are at least matching to my actual age in general personality and identity, Anna likely is notably age stunted and/or possibly even generally identifies as a younger age which is rather common in fragmented disorders. She tends to rarely come out due to the fact shes usually terrified and scared and easily set off and when she is uncomfortable, scared, triggered, etc she quickly ejects for one of the upper three.

As for their purposes / origin that they individually serve, I (Riku) was likely formed under the demand to be able to live and behave normally without the affects of trauma getting in the way of life or causing any more issues than we already have with the trauma and the past abusive households. I was essentially in place to protect the family secrets, and to manage life and actually live.

Aderis was likely originated for the need of someone to handle abuse and to protect the system / entire being. She was placed in the purpose of defense, offense, and to take anything that could be hurtful and to redirect it off in a way that wouldnt hurt everyone. She wards off threats and when caught off guard, she eliminates them. Intimidating enough that no one would dare bother and prepared enough to make sure in the worst situations, the source of the harm goes away. In the same coin, she supports internally as well as one of the mediators.

Lucille was likely originated to be a parent / guidance of sorts and to manage the chaos of the world and my own mind. Aderis was very smart but she doesn't focus on figuring out what life is in the future and what might be the most rational thing in the moment to make sure things do go out of control. He is good at giving advice and understanding situations. In the place of someone to talk to for advice like a parent or anyone else who as a child would be able to sit down and help understand what is going on and how to handle it, I had Lucille.

And then Anna's existence is obvious. Shes the original that is cared for by us as a whole.

In addition to this, I might start calling my alters "my fragments" because I currently do not know if I am THAT split which may either be due to me being right about not being that split or just my natural denial over my own issues so "my fragments" and "fragmentations" are going to likely be the term I use and the term I am comfortable with since "alters" just makes me take a step back and gets a lot of self doubt and "You are lying / making things up" going in my head that makes it so I can't talk about them.

Under the terms of "my fragments / fragmentation", I am describing "modes" and "states" that are distinct and seperate, but not necessarily 100% independent from myself.

And now thinking back to it, it was the term I used in the past, and I think its the most fitting term.