Scrubs Favourite Scrubs quotes

snoznoodle posted on Dec 05, 2006 at 04:48AM
There are so many great one-liners in Scrubs. What are your favourites?

I memorised a speech from Dr Cox (season 4 episode 1) about why he chose JD and Elliot for the Chief-Resident job:

'What with Barbie here being rediculously book-smart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills and you being warm and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an un-potty trained labradoodle, *together* the two of you make one barely passable doctor... slash labradoodle.'

So what are your favourites? here are a couple more -

Dr. Cox: Oh, my God. I care so little I almost passed out.

Dr. Kelso: Hello Perry. I don't really know why I'm here but nurse Espinosa said if I don't come round, she'll stop coming to my house and talk to my pool boy. He speaks perfect english but he has no front teeth so I can never look at him without laughing.
last edited on Dec 05, 2006 at 04:49AM

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over a year ago ThinkPink20 said…
The episode when Matthew Perry guest starred:

Mikey: [Flying around like an airplane] Eeeeeeeeehhhhh! I'm a pretty airplane! Board me! Eeeeeeeeehhhhh!
Murray Marks: He's a little off.
J.D.: He smells like fuel.
Murray Marks: He's an airplane!
over a year ago daledale said…
episode wen janitor is pretending 2 be different ppl 2 get at j.d

todd; hey nigel (janitor as british guy) im 25% british.

janitor(nigel):im 100% not interested.

todd: (smiling)whoa! classic nigel!

janitor
over a year ago daledale said…
episode wen cox picks elliott 2 be chief resident instead of j.d.

cox: so how do u feel newbie

j.d:(in head)be strong.

J.d: oh im fine, u made the right choice, elliotts a great doctor but i do hav 3 questions. why do u hate me so much wen all i give u is love? who is gonna tell my mom? and what am going 2 do with 10000 john dorian chief resident buisness cards.

classic
over a year ago daledale said…
JD: thanks 4 doin that 4 me todd (running down hallway naked) heres ya 50 bucks.

Todd: no, u keep it. that

todd stands naked 4 several seconds.

JD: todd, put your clothes back on.

Todd: im goin back in there


the todd rules
over a year ago iluvjesse said…
JD: *points to picture* Which one is you?

Todd: Oh, I don't swim.
over a year ago daledale said…
Todd: i heard there's a breast reduction up on the 4th floor so im gonna go up there and stop it
over a year ago Khaled said…
This inner monologue by todd on s06e17 (their story) was hilarious:
Todd(thoughts): Turk's bummed he definitely needs a high five, but which one?? Tough break five, chin up five, need a hug five, need a tuck five, what the hell is he saying?? never mind just take the last words he says & add a five to it.
Turk: .... I donno man it all seems kinda unfair.
Todd: Unfair five.
Turk thanks man u always know the right thing to say.
Todd: I work hard on that.

Claaaaaassic
over a year ago EmilyxEccentric said…
Oh! Oh!

Ted -while looking at an old lady out side the hospital-

"You smell like my mom. Rawr."
over a year ago wtb2612 said…
Dr. Cox: I can't believe your head exploded. If your head explodes, you'll never make it as a doctor. I mean, come on, you look ridiculous.
over a year ago stugrue said…
my interpretation

Dr Kelso: what would you know about self apearnce ted have you looked in the mirror lately.

Ted: not lately but when I do its reflection perfection
over a year ago tushtush said…
JD: Now we can save that dad dying thing to go see the new baby panda at the zoo.

Turk: Oh, its too late for that, she died.

JD: Not Ming Ming!

Turk: Yeah, her mama sat on her, and then ate her.

JD: Stupid nature.

I also like:
Jordan: Would you zip it nerd? The only reason I invited you is
because, for some reason, you have your own Spongebob Squarepants costume.

JD: It was a gift.

JD Thoughts: From me to me.
last edited over a year ago
over a year ago maybeastarbucks said…
"Thaaat's right, Melinda."
over a year ago danmcg86 said…
Classic Dr. Cox in "My Lunch" Season 5 Episode 20


"As I lie in bed each morning and wonder why I should put both of my feet on the floor... There are 3 special reasons...
A chance to escape Jordan's morning breath? Sure!
Scotch! It's too early to drink it, but yes people it is never to early to think about!
And the ever present chance that I might finally happen across Hugh Jackman so I could give him this present I've been holding for him... BAAMMM!!"



J.D: Todd, what are you doing?
Todd: Waiting for my moment...
(J.D and Carla chat)
Carla: J.D, if your going out to lunch can you get me a hot Italian sausage?
Todd: I got a hot Italian sausage right here!



J.D sat with Turk and The Todd...

J.D: So, hows surgery?
Todd: It rocks! But my bedroom... thats where I really operate!





HAHAHA Cox rules!
last edited over a year ago
over a year ago hooch-is-crazy said…
Todd: (to husband of patient who just had breasts inlarged) You're gonna need some bigger hands.
over a year ago SpanksU said…
-Dr. Cox: He either has a light blub up his ass or his colon has a really good idea.

-JD to Turk: I miss you so much it hurts sometimes.

-Dr. Kelso: Human Magic 8-Ball, tell me if I should play golf this weekend. (Dr. Kelso shakes Ted's head vigorously)
Ted: I'm a LAWYER!

-Turk pulling his hair out after JD forgot the tickets to see Micheal Jordan: AHHHHH AHHHHH LEAVE IT ON THE FLOOR AHHHH LEAVE IT ON THE FLOOR AHHHHH

over a year ago SpanksU said…
Ted: uh, im afraid youve but us at somewhat of a legal bind
Kelso: [pushing ted out of the way] good god you couldnt scare a child
Ted: [Quietly] Who would want to?

Dr. Cox: I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.


over a year ago hooch-is-crazy said…
Turk: Elliot screwed up on another one of my patients today.
Todd: I had a mind to spank her too
Turk: Why, did she mess up on one of your patients too?
Todd: No, why?
last edited over a year ago
over a year ago SpanksU said…
Elliot: Elliot Reid ... TRAAAMP
over a year ago kshay_panda1 said…
dr box- i cared so little i almost passed out
over a year ago DarkxLight said…
JD (to Dr. Cox):
Sticks and Stones may break my Bones
JD (in his head)
But words will hurt forever

ahahahah <3
over a year ago lol6767a said…
my favorite is during their story
when todd is thinking about what happens when jd has a day dream

J.D.: If Turk's mind is set on something, it can't be changed. I can't even imagine how I'd try.
Todd's narration: Oh, great. There he goes off into his fantasy world. Now I'm stuck waiting until he snaps out of it with some weird comment.
J.D.: We'd have to find a whole lot of gnomes.
Todd: That's helpful.

it was really funny when it happend!
over a year ago nad1226een said…
Dr. Kelso - "Are you an idiot"
JD - "No sir, im a dreamer"
over a year ago DalekSec said…
Not sure what's been said already, but...

Dr. Cox (to Mrs. Wilk): Would you love a Virgin Daiquiri? It's a normal Daiquiri, except I let him [J.D.] give it to you.
last edited over a year ago
over a year ago SpanksU said…
Todd: Dum Dum Dum Dumdumdum Shiney scapal . . . dum dum dum dum dumdum gonna slice him upppp.
last edited over a year ago
over a year ago SpanksU said…
WHERE'S MR COOKIEPANTS?!?!?!?!

hahahahahahahaha
over a year ago SpanksU said…
The Todd: How come he can call you Smelliot, but I can't call you vagina-face?
over a year ago SpanksU said…
Todd: *in spanish* I have genital herpes . . . for you

Many herpes . . . BIG
over a year ago TopazEyez said…
Dr Cox - "Ego is good you dumbass, its the reason that guy wants you to be his surgeon, its the reason that she is boarder-line attracted to you *points to Carla* and its the reason that SHE so desperately wants to marry you *points to JD*"

JD -"Page me when you head home" *snaps fingers*
____________________________
Dr Cox "Newbie will continually try to violate my no touching policy, and republicans will forever try to raise-"

JD "SNEAK HUGS!!"
_____________________________________
JD - "Turk we're not married"
Turk - "Dude, we're a little married."
JD - "I know and i love it"
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over a year ago misskaren said…
don't know if this has been added but it is one of my ultimate favorites!

dr kelso: this is not bring your problems to work day, this is just work day.
over a year ago rach123 said…
*in his head as Turk walks away*
JD: tell him how you feel without sounding like a girl..
(out loud) Sometimes i miss you so much it hurts!
Turk: I'm going to pretend i didnt hear that

haha aww :)
over a year ago MrAlex said…
Ive read quite a few and noticed an absence of J.D's classic " EEEEEEAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGLLLLLLEEEE!!!"

Dr.Cox: I love this moment so much, i want to have sex with it
-later in the same episode:
This moment is so great, I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one and raise a family of tiny little moments

And his rant of things he doesnt care about!
over a year ago scrubslove93 said…
JD~ Cuz whats waiting for me in my room in football terms is known as a slamdunk!
over a year ago emilywill04 said…
Carla: Why are there pancakes in the silverware drawer?

Turk: Why is there silverware in the pancake drawer?

Or my favorite, and I believe it is the same episode.

Turk: Do you know what you get, when you mess with the WWWWAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIOOOOOOOORRRRRR!
over a year ago Beardface said…
I think i probably love every single line of scrubs, but my favourite moment is when the SugarHill Gang alarm clock goes off, i am literally obssessed.
I also love seson six, episode six - my musical
i have memorised all the songs and my dream is that someone will do a scrubs broadway show and i would be chosen as the star!
over a year ago wishmemonsters said…
Janitor: This here's our new flagpole. Why don't you show old glory a little respect and snap off a salute?
J.D.: There's no flag up there.
Janitor: We're at war, my friend. All American flags are on backorder. What do you want me to do in the meantime? Run a pirate flag up there? Maybe turn the whole building into a pirate ship? I could put a captain's wheel up on the roof. Catch a parrot somehow, slap on an eye patch, go to work with a caulk gun, seal her up, make her watertight. I could take her out to sea.
J.D.: Are you insane?
Janitor: No. I'm a pirate.

i love that

_________________________

Janitor: What's up?
J.D.: [voiceover] Be careful here. Don't give him anything.
J.D.: Nothing, What is up with you... Man.
Janitor: I always get this way in the fall, y'know. Summers gone, the days are shorter, just makes me feel so... what's the word...
J.D: Sad.
Janitor: Yes that's it. I'm a janitor so I couldn't think of the word sad. I was gonna say it makes me feel so mop!
J.D.: Let me explain, I--
Janitor: Go ahead I'm mopping.
J.D.: Maybe I shouldn't bother.
Janitor: Maybe you mopn't.


__________________________

Dr. Cox: Alright, who can tell me anything about Mr. Pierce?
Keith: He uses oil heaters at his house in New Hampshire
Dr. Cox: That answer was either very sarcastic or very stupid, either way I'm whacking you with my clipboard [holds clipboard up] brace yourself.
Keith: Wait, he's hypoxic with a clear chest x-ray which can be a sign of carbon monoxide poisoning. I learned that watching House.
Lisa: House is a genius!
Dr. Cox: ...that's it I'm whacking both of you [whacks both]

____________________________

J.D.: [to Turk over walkie-talkies] Brown bear, are you nude right now?
Turk: Yeah! How did you know?
J.D.: Your voice is always higher when you're nude.
Turk: Hahaha. That's true!
Dr. Cox: [in the background] It's not weird that you know that.

_______________________________________

Dr. Cox: Lemme ask you a quick question: are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside somebody's clogged artery when all that person has to do, really is--oh, I don't know--go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad. And you come back here looking like that? And, I know here, I know I'm supposed to be Dr. Give-A-Crap, but you wanna hear the God's honest truth? And this is a fact: you are what you eat. And you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya?

_______________________________

and one of the best quotes which make me laugh no matter how many times i see it

J.D and Nina kissing.
Dr Cox: oh god, i'm gagging and vomitting at the same time i i'm gavomiting
over a year ago skrikorian said…
My personal favorite. describing people after being told people are mostly good. "No, people are bastard-covered bastards with bastard filling."
last edited over a year ago
over a year ago eric_eric said…
Elliot:Where are you taking me cause i have to say this seems wildly inappropriate

Dr.Cox: Well I was looking over your patients chart and I noticed something your five-nine too

she spots the weighing scale

Elliot:NO PUT ME DOWN

she keeps ranting

Dr. Cox:BOON! come over here and read this number

Elliot: If You read that number I will kill your family Boon

both dr.cox and elliot are ranting and fighting

Boon: 298

Dr. Cox: Take that minus my super buff 180lb. and that makes you 118 a full pound less then your patient who is "in trouble" Hypocrisy Thy name is...Boon do you want to finish that for me, no, not smart enough to follow

Boon:No

Dr. Cox: ...You,Barbie, Hypocrisy thy name is you
over a year ago kkaaattiiieee said…
im not sure of the exact diologue, but this one is hilarious to me:

Jack(to Kelso):your skin is wrinkly
Kelso(o Jack): Oh yeah? Well that shirt makes you look gay.

or

Cox(to jordan after she got botox)Show me...amused, b-mused, c-mused. show me angry. (jordan knees him in the groin, goes into fetal)got angry downn....
over a year ago DalekSec said…
[Dr. Cox is lying on the couch]
JD: "Have you been here the whole time?"
Cox: "No, I came in through the couch door."
over a year ago athenaatanaqui said…
I like the one where Dr. Cox is talking to Elliot after she turned to private practice and she told him what to do.

Dr.Cox: I've just discovered text messaging. I know i'm a little late to the game but that doesn't make you any less of a G-A-B-P-I-T-A-W-M-M-W-2-D. Giant annoying bangsy pain-in-the-ass who makes me want to die.

Elliot: Well,I'm off! Don't want to be late for my brow wax and my facial,so see ya! I'm going to relax while a team of burly old Russian women make me beautiful.
OR

Dr. Cox: I.....believe in you???
Elliot: No you don't.
Elliot: this is just like the time you told me our hospital dinner was a costume party! I came to a black-tie dinner dressed like Clarence Thomas.
Dr. Cox: I was in a costume too.
Elliot: You wore an Armani tux...
Dr. Cox: I went as someone who doesn't make a fool out of himself. How'd you not get that?

over a year ago mattb said…
ha i like the one in my hard labor
JD:ill have you so knocked up itll be like your passing a marshmellow
Kim:that sounds sticky and uncomfortable
JD:passing a unicorn
kim:thats a big horse with a horn
JD:passing a rainbow
Kim:thats better
over a year ago Travalino said…
This one had me rolling-

JD: My mother had a uterous, I lived in it...

Another one-

Dr. Cox: And whats that rediculous thing on your head?
JD: Its my hairmit, its like a helmet only it doesnt mess up your hair.
(later in conversation)
Dr. Cox: Well come on newbie.
JD: Okay, just let me fix my hair first, oh wait, (takes off helmet) I dont have to.
over a year ago _heartless said…
Dr. Cox: You're black? 'Cause last I checked you had a nerdy white best friend, you enjoy Neil Diamond, and you damn sure act like a black guy and these are all characteristics of white guys. Please understand, I'm a huge supporter of the NAACP. If you're don't know what that stands for, it's the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. And quite frankly, I always thought they should change the 'colored people' to 'African Americans' but then of course it wouldn't be the NAACP it'd be the N quad A or NAAAA. And I know this probably sounds like a digression but actually brings me back to my original point... Do I think you're black? Naaaaaaaaa!
over a year ago babeess said…
Ted: If i win the lottery tonight, seperate beds for my and my mom!


Janitor:( with globe ) point to Iraq. No thats China.
J.d: Your China
Janitor:Thats an outragous acusation!
over a year ago babeess said…
Dr.Kelso: Son, are you an idiot?
J.d:No sir, im a dreamer.

J.d: ( gets cofee first ) I cant help im special, god made me that way.

over a year ago iTwerd said…
Carla- Careful, i'll make your chin disappear. Whoooa, too late!
J.D- Thats not nice.

Jordan-Is Ted having a baby with the Janitor?
J.D- Only in their sitcom. *Voicover* Legal Custodians! Gettit?

J.D- On the bright side you have beautiful nubs...

Ted- *To Janitor* Hey, I carpool. I just dropped my Mom off at the Mall!
Jaitor- *looks at him weirdly because he was riding a bike*
Ted- She sits on the seat behind me and holds on by tucking her hands into my bike shorts...
Jaitor- Thats disgusting.
Ted- I know... It doesn't feel right...

J.D- We have to find your ball Turk! We have to find it and destroy it!

J.D- Don't worry, the epidural will make you so numb down there it'll feel like you're passing a marshmallow!
Kim- But that sounds sticky and uncomfortable!
J.D- Passing a unicorn,
Kim- Thats a giant horse with a horn!
J.D- Passing a rainbow!
Kim- Thats better.
last edited over a year ago
over a year ago One1toomany said…
Dr Cox: Let's break down the kids support system, shall we? He's got ME...an emotionally crippled narcissist, and he's got you...an emotionally crippled narcissist...who is soaking in a tub of what, by now, has to be mostly your own urine.

Dan: I believe the ratio has shifted that way, yes.
over a year ago beardfac-e said…
JD: Hey look theres Dotor Beardface!
Beardface: ITS BEARDFASAY GODDAMN YOU!!!

Legendary
over a year ago TheChilledOne said…
laugh
One of my favorites is when Dr. Cox makes his decision on Chief Resident between JD and Elliot.

Dr. Cox: You ok there Newbie?

JD: NO, Im fine, afterall, Elliot is a good doctor. I do have three questions, though. Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love? Who's gonna tell my Mom, and WHAT HELL I AM SUPPOSED TO DO WITH 10,000 JOHN DORIAN: CHIEF OF RESIDENCY BUSINESS CARDS?!
over a year ago TheChilledOne said…
Oh, and let's not forget....

Dr. Cox: JORDAN GODZILLA SULLIVAN!