•    A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
•    Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
•    Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
•    Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
•    Don't let your mind wander; it's far too small to be let out on its own.
•    Don't thank me for insulting you; it was a pleasure.
•    Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
•    Grasp your ears firmly and pull; you might just be able to remove your head from your ass.
•    He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
•    Her mouth is dirtier than a rubber toilet seat.
•    I bet you get bullied a lot.
•    I can tell that you are lying; your lips are moving.
•    I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
•    I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
•    I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
•    I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit for the one thing you've done yourself?
•    I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
•    I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.
•    I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
•    I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
•    I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.
•    I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
•    If I want shit from you, I'll squeeze your head.
•    If sex were fast food, you'd have and M-shaped arch over your head.
•    If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder…it would be an apocalypse!
•    If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid.
•    I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
•    I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
•    I'm impressed; I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
•    I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
•    Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
•    Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
•    People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
•    Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
•    She's the first in her family born without tail.
•    Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you.
•    That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
•    There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
•    This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
•    What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
•    Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
•    What's wrong, don't you get any attention back home?
•    When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
•    You are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk.
•    You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
•    You are not even beneath my contempt.
•    You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
•    You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
•    You grow on people, but so does cancer.
•    You have a nasty speech impediment…your foot.
•    You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
•    You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
•    You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
•    Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
•    You're a habit I'd like to kick - with both feet.
•    Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
•    Never miss a good chance to shut up.
•    Can I buy you a drink?
I would think so - why don't you ask the bartender?
•    Can I buy you a drink?
I'd rather just have the cash.
•    Can I have your name?
Why - haven't you already got one?
•    Can I spend the evening with you?
I gave up baby-sitting years ago.
•    Do you mind if I smoke?
I don't care if you burn.
•    Have you got a problem with that?
No, only with you.
•    I never forget a face.
Neither do I, but in your case I'll make an exception.
•    I'd like to marry you.
I'd rather skip straight towards the divorce.
•    I'd like to see more of you.
There isn't any more of me.
•    I'm sure I could turn you on.
You couldn't even turn on a radio.
•    I'm sure I've noticed you before.
I'm not sure I've even noticed you yet.
•    Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
No, it's a gun.
•    Kiss me and I'll tell you a secret.
I know your secret - I work at the clinic.
•    May I introduce myself?
Certainly - try those people over there.
•    My body's like a temple.
I'd have said it was more like an amusement park.
•    Shall we go all the way?
Yes, as long as it's in different directions.
•    Shall we go to your place or mine?
Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
•    Stay a minute and let me get you a drink.
Just give me the cash - I'll get one later.
•    When can we be alone?
When we're not with each other.
•    When should I phone you?
Whenever I'm not there.
•    Where have you been all my life?
What do you mean - I wasn't even born for the first half of it.
•    Women say I have the gift of the gab.
Wrap it up, then.
•    Would you like to come for a drink with me next week?
I'm not thirsty.
•    You seem to me like a sensible girl.
That's right - I won't go anywhere near you.
•    Your face is absolutely perfect.
So is yours . . . for radio.
•    A few beers short of a six-pack.
•    All foam, no beer.
•    An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
•    As smart as bait.
•    Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
•    Chimney's clogged.
•    Doesn't have all her corn flakes in one box.
•    Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
•    Dumber than a box of hair.
•    Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
•    He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
•    He has an IQ of room temperature.
•    His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
•    If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
•    Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
•    Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
•    Skylight leaks a little.
•    The cheese slid off her cracker.
•    The lights are on, but nobody's home.
•    The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
•    Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
•    Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
•    If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
•    I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
•    Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
•    I’m smiling. This should scare you.
•    The universe is laughing behind your back.
•    Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.
•    If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.
•    Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
•    I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
•    Blows are sarcasms turned stupid.
•    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
•    I’m not sure what’s wrong… But it’s probably your fault.
•    This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
•    The world will end tomorrow (unless postponed by rain).
•    I never admit or deny anything it makes me more interesting.
•    By the time you read this you’ve already read it.
•    Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much. You’re not that good.
•    lI'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time

•    lI understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why isn't notebook paper constantly suffocating students while they take notes in class? I'll tell you why: because paper can't beat anybody; a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!"

•    If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

•    When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
•    You were looking good from afar.. now you're far from looking good.

•    Learn from your parents' mistakes, use birth control!

•    The universe is laughing behind your back.

•    Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.

•    Are you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think what I think I'm thinking then we've got a problem?

•    Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.

•    I'm not crazy; my reality is just different than yours.

•    A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

•    Love your enemies.. it pisses them off.

•    The human race is lucky I'm a nice guy, otherwise only 1/4 of them would be alive right now.

•    A paper should be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.

•    Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

•    If you plugged your nose and your mouth while you sneezed, would it come out of your ears or would your head explode?

•    Life is like a roller coaster, and I'm about to throw up.

•    I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

•    I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

•    If used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

•    Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

•    You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

•    Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

•    I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

•    Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

•    The trouble with life is there's no background music.

•    It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

•    Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?

•    A committee should consist of three men, two of whom are absent.

•    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

•    Basic research is what I'm doing, when I don't know what I'm doing.

•    Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.

•    I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

•    I like work, It fascinates me! I can sit and look at it for hours.

•    I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

•    I’m not sure what's wrong... But it's probably your fault!

•    Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

•    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

•    Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

•    People are seldom too busy to stop and tell you how busy they are.

•    People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.

•    Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
•    Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

•    Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

•    Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

•    Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

•    Sometimes I just sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.

•    Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

•    The number one problem in our country is apathy, but who cares!

•    The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

•    There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

•    This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.

•    Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!

•    We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

•    Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

•    Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.

•    You can thank your lucky stars that everything I wish for will never come true.

•    The world will end tomorrow (unless postponed by rain).

•    I'm smiling. This should scare you.

•    Sending Postcards From A Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here).

•    What you do on your own time's just fine. My imagination's much worse, I just never want to know.

•    Everyone says I'm a blonde at heart. But my hearts not blonde.

•    Deep down I'm a very shallow person.

•    Patrick: I'm mad. SpongeBob: Why's that? Patrick: I can't see my forehead.

•    If a stranger offers you a piece of candy, take two.

•    Before you insult somebody you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you insult them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!

•    I was wondering why Frisbees got bigger as they got closer then it hit me.

•    If worms had guns, birds wouldn't mess with them.

•    I never admit or deny anything it makes me more interesting.

•    Don't take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride.

•    My parents almost lost me as a child, but they didn't take me far enough into the woods. Everyone has a list of problems and issues. But I am #1 on everyone's list.

•    We're all given some sort of skill in life. Mine just happens to be beating up on people.

•    We American's, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

•    Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

•    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the weaponry to make the difference.

•    I fight for what I believe in. I am a mercenary, and I believe in money.

•    If I want your opinion, I'll read it in your entrails.

•    Assassins Inc. We aim to please.

•    I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.

•    Limiting the freedom of news 'just a little bit' is in the same category with the classic example a little bit pregnant.

•    lIt saddens Norwegians that America still honors the Italian Columbus, who arrived late in the New World and by accident, who wasn't even interested in New Worlds but only in spices. Out on a spin in search of curry powder and hot peppers- a man on a voyage to the grocery- he stumbled onto the land of heroic Vikings and proceeded to get the credit for it. And then to name it 'America' after Amerigo Vespucci, an Italian who never saw the New World but only sat in Italy and drew incredibly inaccurate maps of it. By rights, it should be called Erica, after Eric the Red, who did the work five hundred years earlier. The United States of Erica, Erica the Beautiful, the Erican League.

•    Get plenty of sleep. Be kind to your mind. You'll miss it when it's gone.

•    Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much. You're not that good.

•    Dance, even if you have to warn others to get out of the way first.

•    ; P Don't stick that out unless you're going to use it...

•    Intelligent doesn't have to mean educated. And Creative doesn't have to mean talented.

•    No one ever listens to Zathras, Quite mad they say, It is good that Zathras does not mind, Has even grown to like it, oh yes." -- Zathras, Babylon 5

•    "Zathras is used to being beast of burdon for others. A sad life, and probably a sad death, but at least there is symmetry." -Zathras

•    Bullshit: the art of making the idiotic sound sensible.

•    Angry people need hugs (or sharp objects).

•    The funniest thing about this message is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything you it’s too late for you to stop reading it you dumb fuck

•    I didn't vote and I didn't die! Fuck you P. Diddy!

•    Nostradamus predicted you'd be a loser.

•    The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*

•    High on life- and glue!

•    By the time you read this you've already read it.

•    Restraining orders are just another way of saying I love you.
•    If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.
•    Don’t be humble. You’re not that great.
•    I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.
•    He was happily married - but his wife wasn’t.
•    He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
•    If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
•    I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
•    Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
•    Sarcasm I now seem to be, in general, the language of the devil.
•    Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
•    Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
•    You were looking good from afar... Now you’re far from looking good.
•    I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you.
•    “Are you sarcastic?” “Well no duh!”
•    Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.
•    It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
•    Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
•    Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
•    A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.
•    We are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities.
•    The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.
•    There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.
•    I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I’m going to be if I grow up.
•    Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian; any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
•    Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
•    Shut up, will you?” “Oh, I’m sorry, Your Highness, should I go get you your coffee and tea now?
•    Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
•    A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
•    A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it.
•    Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
•    I’m impressed; I’ve never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
•    Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything.
•    If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
•    Violence won’t solve anything….But it sure makes me feel good.
•    Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.
•    Think I am sarcastic?
Watch me pretend to care!
•    Jealously is a disease…get well soon!!!!
•    I don’t care about what others say about you, I think you are alright……
•    Do I know Sarcasm? Why yes he’s my best friend…
•    I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.
•    That is the ugliest top Ive ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.
•    I don’t believe in plastic surgery,
But in your case,
Go ahead.
•    You: “Why are you here?”
Me: “Well… heaven didn’t want me,
And hells afraid I’ll take over.”
•    When you think your best isn’t good enough, more than likely it isn’t.
•    that dress is great…… if you don’t wear on it
•    My loyalty cannot be brought; however, it can be rented.
•    Wow…that outfit is unique…isn’t wrong to be different..
But..Your just asking people to make fun of you..
•    Where did you graduate again? The university of DUH??
•    I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
•    I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane…
•    You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
•    • So, this is where our diligence has led?
•    • Teacher: We are going to play the quiet game.
•     Student: Are you playing too?
•    • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
•    • You: Go to Hell!
Me: See you there.
•    • Well my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems
•    • Person 1: ” You did not just do that!!”
Person 2: “no? Watch I’ll do it again!!”
•    • You’re unique just like everyone else!
•    • Me: what’s half of eight
•     you: Zero
•    • Lady-Do you steal?
Boy-Lady if I was a thief why would I tell you?
•    • Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.
•    • I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.
•    “Don’t make me hit you again!”
“You’re going to hit me again? No, don’t do that! I might not survive!”
•    Are you always this retarded or are you making a special effort today?
•    I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
•    “I’d insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn’t understand and if I tried to explain it to you, your brain might implode from information overload.”
•    • i am busy right now, can i ignore you some other time?
•    • “There’s a special place in Hell for people like you.”
•    • Well at least your mom thinks you’re pretty…
•    • Oh I’m sorry…
I’m sorry that you’re ugly.
•    aww thank you…
I’m flattered that you’re jelous of me!
•    • A boy is hammering nails onto the table:
•    Mom: What are you doing?!
•    The boy: Is that a trick question?
•    • You: I’m going to be a comedian one day!
•    Me: *Bursts into fits of giggles*
•    You: Whats so funny?
•    Me: *gasps* oh! you were being serious, i’m sorry.
•    If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, its because you’re both heading in the same direction.
•    You always do me a favor, when you shut up!
•    Excuse me, and pardon my interruption, but would you mind considering helping me to find out what makes you so repulsive!
•    You go girl! And don’t come back.
•    Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.
•    Look at you your in perfect shape…………………………..for a circle
•    My friends are so much cooler than yours…..They’re invisible.
•    if you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever
•    People say that laughter is the best medicine…
your face must be curing the world!
•    That’s a pretty dress…too bad you couldn’t find it in your size.
•    If had a dollar for evry smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.
•    You sound better with your mouth closed.
•    Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.
•    Sarcasm isn’t the lowest form of wit. It’s not even wit at all.
•    How could I possibly refuse? No thank you.
•    You: “Did I ask for your opinion?”
Me: “Nope but guess what you got it anyway!”
•    This kid was riding his sk8 board and then while doing a kick flip he fell (Damien: oww Me: did that hurt? Damien: no!!!!!!,, i just said oww 4 no reason)
•    You have no one to blame but yourself…Unless some other guy is standing next to you then you can blame him.
•    I’m smiling…that alone should scare you
•    Boy: “You’re not my type.”
Girl: “Why, cause I can read??”
•    Oh my god that’s so hilarious, i was in such awe of how funny it was, i forgot to laugh.
•    Sorry, you must have me mistaken, i think you are confusing interesting with boring.
•    You: oh my gosh have you been here all the while? Me: no…i just returned from a trip to mars….wanna accompany me next time?
•    . I thought i had seen the pinnacle of stupid…. then i met you.
•    Sure I’ll help you out……the same way you came in.
•    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
•    Person 1: Why does your kid keep getting zeroes on her test? Person 2: I like teaching my children to be consistent. Inconsistency is the mother of insanity. Person 1: You and inconsistency have a lot in common.
•    Seriously, if I was as ugly as you I’d cry too.
•    Away is where you should go.
•    Dont you need a license to be that ugly?
•    Hey, you. You got something on your face. Stupidity.
•    You’ve got a string hanging from your dress….oh wait, that’s just your leg.
•    Oh, don’t worry, you’re not alone. I’m sure if I were as round as you, people would use me just for kicks too.
•    Here let me drop whats imprortant to me and pay attention to you and all of your needs.
•    Boy-Why are we even here?
Girl-’cause we’re not there…
•    Girl that scraped her knee-Go get help i’m hurt!
Boy standing over her- oh, really? You look fine to me