Howard Wolowitz
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Howard Wolowitz

Season 1

[trying to assemble Penny's new wardrobe, reading the instructions]
Wolowitz: Oh, boy! I was afraid of that!
Leonard: What?
Wolowitz: These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components. This, right here, is why Sweden has no space program
"The Big Bran Hypothesis".

Sheldon: I have got the Sword of Azeroth!
Leonard: Forget the sword, Sheldon. Help Raj.
Sheldon: There is no more Sheldon. I am the sword master!
Wolowitz: Leonard, look out!
Leonard: Damn it, Sheldon, we're dying here.
Sheldon: Goodbye, peasants.
Leonard: Bastard teleported!
Raj: He's selling the Sword of Azeroth on eBay.
Leonard: You betrayed us for money? Who are you?
Sheldon: I'm a rogue night elf. Don't you people read character descriptions? Wait, wait, wait... somebody just clicked Buy It Now.
Wolowitz: I am the sword master!
"The Fuzzy Boots Corollary".

Sheldon: I have noted that Leslie Winkle recently started shaving her legs. Now, given that winter is coming, one can only assume that she's signaling sexual availability.
Wolowitz: I don't know. You guys work in the same lab.
Leonard: So?
Wolowitz: There are pitfalls. Trust me, I know. When it comes to sexual harassment law, I'm a bit of a self-taught expert.
Leonard: Look Howard, if I were to ask Leslie Winkle out, it would just be for dinner. I'm not going to walk into the lab, ask her to strip naked and dance for me.
Wolowitz: Oh, then you're probably okay
"The Fuzzy Boots Corollary".

Wolowitz: Oh, by the way, where did you get that loofah mitt? Yours reaches places that mine just won't?
Penny: You used my loofah?
Wolowitz: More precisely, we used your loofah. I exfoliated her brains out!
"The Dumpling Paradox".

Leonard: Can't you see that she's using you?
Wolowitz: Who cares? Last night she pulled off her blouse and I wept.
Penny: Look, Howard, I know her, okay. She'll sleep with anyone as long as they keep buying her things.
Wolowitz: Really?
Penny: Yeah.
Wolowitz: Yay.
"The Dumpling Paradox".

Leonard: Look at the bright side. [Lalita] might turn out to be a nice, beautiful girl.
Raj: Great, then we'll get married, I won't be able to talk to her, and we'll spend the rest of our lives in total silence.
Wolowitz: Worked for my parents.
"The Grasshopper Experiment".

Wolowitz: Is it just me, or does webchatting with your clothes on seem a little pointless?
"The Grasshopper Experiment".

Penny [to Raj about Lalita]: No one can make you get married. Why don't you just meet this girl and see what happens?
Raj: Haven't you been listening to me? I cannot talk to women!
Leonard: Um, Raj?
Wolowitz: No, no, let's see how long it takes him.
"The Grasshopper Experiment".

Wolowitz: Oh, more details about the new Star Trek film. There's going to be a scene depicting Spock's birth.
Raj: I'd be more interested in a scene depicting Spock's conception.
Sheldon: Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating—or if you will, pon farr—it's an extremely private matter.
Leonard: Still, I'd like to know the details. His mother was human; his father was Vulcan. They couldn't just conceive.
Wolowitz: Maybe they had to go to a clinic. Can you imagine Spock's dad in a little room with a copy of Pointy Ears and Shapely Rears?
"The Bat Jar Conjecture".

Penny [to Leonard]: Look, you are a great guy, and it is the things you love that make you who you are.
Wolowitz: I guess that makes me large breasts
"The Nerdvana Annihilation".

Sheldon: I propose we add "pants must be worn at all times in the time machine"
Leonard: Seconded.
Wolowitz: I was gonna put down a towel
"The Nerdvana Annihilation".

Leonard: The elevator's been broken for two years.
Sheldon: I've been meaning to ask you. Do you think we should make a call about that?
Wolowitz: Not necessary. I have a Masters in Engineering. I remotely repair satellites in a regular basis. I troubleshoot space shuttle payloads. When the Mars Rover started pulling to the left I performed a front-end alignment from 62 million miles away. [pushes the button...] No, that baby's broken
"The Nerdvana Annihilation".

Wolowitz: I'd kill my rabbi with a pork chop to be with your sister
"The Porkchop Indeterminacy".

Wolowitz: Okay, you two have to back off.
Raj: Why should I back off? You back off, dude.
Leonard: Excuse me, this is my apartment, and she's my roommate's sister.
Howard: So what? You've already got Penny.
Leonard: How do I have Penny? In what universe do I have Penny?
Wolowitz: So, I can have Penny?
Leonard: Hell, no!
"The Porkchop Indeterminacy".

Raj: Missy, do you enjoy pajamas?
Missy: I guess.
Raj: We Indians invented them. You're welcome.
Wolowitz: Yeah, well, my people invented circumcision.
"The Porkchop Indeterminacy".

Wolowitz [to a black nurse]: Okay, I get it. I know how the world works. [flashes a five] How about I introduce you to the man who freed your people?
Nurse: Unless my people were freed by Benjamin Franklin and his five twin brothers, you are wasting your time.
"The Peanut Reaction".

Sheldon: Leonard made it very clear, he doesn't want a party.
Wolowitz: Did someone say party?
Penny: He just doesn't know he wants one because he never had one.
Wolowitz: I suppose that's possible, but for the record I've never had a threesome and yet I still know I want one.
Penny: Howard here's a difference: the possibility exists that Leonard could have a birthday party before hell freezes over.
Wolowitz: Fine, if I do have a threesome you can't be part of it... I'm just kidding. Yes, you can. Can you bring a friend?
"The Peanut Reaction".

Penny: Well, Sheldon you are his friend. Friends give each other presents.
Sheldon: I accept your premise; I reject your conclusion.
Wolowitz [whispers]: Try telling him it's a non-optional social convention.
Penny: What?
Wolowitz: Just do it.
Penny: It's a non-optional social convention.
Sheldon: Ahh, fair enough.
Wolowitz: He came with a manual.
"The Peanut Reaction".

Penny [on phone]: How about this, you keep him there a little longer, and when you get to the party, I'll point out which of my friends are easy.
Wolowitz: ... Don't toy with me, woman.
Penny: I got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem, I got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around, and an alcoholic who's two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.
Wolowitz: Thy will be done.
"The Peanut Reaction".

Wolowitz: You know, I'm really glad you decided to learn Mandarin.
Sheldon: Why?
Wolowitz: Once you're fluent, you'll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me.
"The Tangerine Factor".

Raj: Hey, look, I found an iPod!
Wolowitz: Smashed beyond repair—what are you going to do with it?
Raj: What else? Sell it on ebay as "slightly used".
"The Tangerine Factor".

Leonard: I'm her friend, I'm not going to take advantage of her vulnerability.
Wolowitz: Wait, so you're saying that if in the depths of despair she throws herself at you and demands you take her right there, right now, you'll just walk away?
Leonard: I said I'm her friend, not her gay friend...
"The Tangerine Factor".

Season 2

Leonard: [Sheldon] says he's moving out.
Raj: What did you do? Did you change the contrast or brightness settings on the television?
Leonard: No.
Raj: Did you take a Band-Aid off in front of him?
Leonard: No.
Wolowitz: Did you buy generic ketchup? Forget to rinse the sink? Talk to him through the bathroom door?
"The Bad Fish Paradigm".

Wolowitz [about Raj]: They gave him an assistant? If I want a new pen I have to go to the bank with wire cutters.
"The Griffin Equivalency".

Wolowitz: So you're just going to sit around here and mope while Penny is out with Dr. Apu from the Kwik-E-Mart?
Leonard: It's not a date, and that's racist.
Wolowitz: It can't be racist, he's a beloved character on The Simpsons.
"The Griffin Equivalency".

Wolowitz: Over the years, we've formulated a number of theories about how he might reproduce. I'm an advocate of mitosis.
Penny: I'm sorry?
Wolowitz: I believe one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons.
"The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem".

Sheldon: The entire nation dedicated a decade of effort and treasure to put a man on the moon.
Wolowitz: Well, my fellow Americans, before this year is out we will put a Wolowitz on one of America's top models.
Raj: And a large number of people will believe it never happened.
"The Panty Piñata Polarization".

Raj: We now have the address of the Top Model house.
Howard: God bless you, Google Street View—registered trademark.
Leonard: Okay, for the record, what you guys are doing is really creepy.
Wolowitz: You know what? If it's creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I'm creepy.
"The Panty Piñata Polarization".

Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard, get the door!!
Howard: Really? is that what you do when someone knocks? I had no idea!!
"The Lizard-Spock Expansion".

Sheldon: If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone, and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.
Employee: Excuse me?
Sheldon: Here. [gives woman gift basket] Now, are we friends, colleagues, lovers? Are you my grandmother?
Employee: I don't understand what you're talking about, and you're making me a little uncomfortable.
Wolowitz: See, sounds just like you and Penny. We'll take it.
"The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis".

Wolowitz: Don't get the wrong idea; the way I see it, I'm halfway to pity sex.
"The Killer Robot Instability".

Wolowitz: [to Penny] How is "doable" anything but a compliment?
"The Killer Robot Instability".

Leonard: Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?
Wolowitz: Yes. Koothrappali is going to wet himself, I'm going to throw up, Sheldon is going to run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?
"The Financial Permeability".

Leslie: Isn't it nice when your good fortune makes others miserable?
Wolowitz: You know, most people don't get that!
"The Cushion Saturation".

Wolowitz: Ma, you gotta rent me a tux!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Right now? What kind of sex are you having up there?
"The Cushion Saturation".

Wolowitz [to Sumemr Glau]: Hi, I'm the small package good things come in.
"The Terminator Decoupling".

Wolowitz [about Raj]: Normally, around women he has the personality of a boiled potato. Put one beer in him, and he has the personality of M. Knight Charmalarmalon.
"The Terminator Decoupling".

Wolowitz: Unlike you, I can actually talk to women while I'm sober.
Raj: You fail to take into account that even mute, I am foreign and exotic, while you on the other hand, are frail and pasty.
Wolowitz: Well ... you know the old saying: "Pasty and frail, never fail".
"The Terminator Decoupling".

Wolowitz [about Summer Glau]: I have eleven hours with her in a confined space. Unless she's willing to jump off a moving train and tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.
"The Terminator Decoupling".

Raj [referring to making Penny Blossoms]: You know if I wanted to do this on a Saturday night, I would have stayed in India
Wolowitz: Drop the third world country act. Your father was a gynecologist and you had a houseful of servants
Raj: We only had four servants and two of them were children!
"The Work Song Nanocluster".

Wolowitz [to Penny in sweats]: Penny, Let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.
Penny: Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.
Wolowitz: ... So there is a number?
"The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition".

Wolowitz: According to Alicia's Facebook page, she's hooking up with one of the producers on CSI.
Penny: Dead whore on TV, live one in real life.
"The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition".

Wolowitz: I'm a horny engineer, Leonard. I never joke about math or sex.
"The Hofstadter Isotope".

Wolowitz: In bars, all across this great nation of ours, Thursday night is Ladies Night. Which means that as the evening progresses, we will get better looking courtesy of 99 cent margaritas and 2-for-1 Jello shots.
"The Hofstadter Isotope".

Wolowitz: First we let the lawyers and the jock thin the heard, then we go after the weak, the old and the lame
Leonard: That's your system?
Wolowitz: Yeah and if you spot a girl with a seeing eye dog, she's mine.
"The Hofstadter Isotope".

Wolowitz: Okay! Let me just go inside and slip off my underwear.
Leonard: Why?
Wolowitz: Well if I get lucky, I certainly don't want to be caught in my Aquaman briefs.
"The Hofstadter Isotope".

Raj: The Wolowitz coefficient?
Wolowitz: Neediness times dress size squared.
"The Hofstadter Isotope".

Leonard: Hey, how's it going?
Wolowitz: Cut the crap, you set this up, didn't you?
Leonard: Yes..
Wolowitz: She's a hooker, isn't she?
Raj: A prostitute, yes
Wolowitz: You already gave her the money?
Leonard: Yes
Wolowitz: ... Thank you...!!
"The Vegas Renormalization".

Sheldon: Why does Leonard get to go?
Wolowitz: Because he's upset over his situation with Penny, and if I have to hear about it again, I'm gonna kick him in his ovaries!
"The Classified Materials Turbulence".

Season 3

Leonard: Will you take that stupid red hat off?
Wolowitz: No, I want to blend in
Raj: To what? Toy Story?
"The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation".

Leonard: I don't want to go to Texas
Wolowitz: Alright and I do? My people already crossed the desert once. We're done.
"The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation".

Wolowitz [about his mustache]: I call it the Clooney.
Raj: I call it the Mario and Luigi, but whatever.
"The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation".

Wolowitz: Sheldon. You remember the first few weeks; we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything, and you were acting like an obnoxious, giant dictator?
Raj: I thought we were going to be gentle with him.
Wolowitz: That's why I added the "tator".
"The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation".

Wolowitz [after seeing Penny dump Leonard]: Damnit, I should have gone over and said we were back
Raj: Yeah, it was "first come, first serve."
"The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation".

Wolowitz: Sex is never the way I dreamed it was going to be.
Raj: Because in your dreams, you're a horse from the waist down.
"The Jiminy Conjecture".

Wolowitz: you're missing the point, a Shiksa goddess is not an actual goddess, we prey on them, not to them
"The Jiminy Conjecture".

Raj: When we tell the story, let's end it differently
Wolowitz: What are you thinking? A big musical number?
"The Gothowitz Deviation".

Wolowitz [to Raj]: Yes, she's pushy, and yes, he's whipped, but that's not the expression.
"The Gothowitz Deviation".

Wolowitz: They're called tattoo sleeves. I bought them online. Raj got a set too. Put them on, have sex with some freaky girl with her business pierced and I can take them off and still be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
"The Gothowitz Deviation".

Bernadette: Does your mother call you every day at work to see if you've had a healthy lunch?
Wolowitz: My mother calls me every day to see if I've had a healthy bowel movement.
"The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary".

Wolowitz: Listen, you have to come to Shabbas dinner at my house sometime.
Bernadette: Why?
Wolowitz: A Catholic girl like you, wearing big cross like that, might just give my mother that big brain aneurysm I've been hoping for.
Bernadette: Only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yamaka
Wolowitz: It's a date.
"The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary".

Wolowitz: Do you like role playing games?
Bernadette: Like in the bedroom or dungeons and dragons?
Wolowitz: Either?
Bernadette: No.
"The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary".

Wolowitz: Sheldon knows football?
Leonard: Apparently.
Wolowitz: I mean, Quidditch, sure. But football?
"The Cornhusker Vortex".

Wolowitz: But if she dumps you, she'll have a new boyfriend by tomorrow morning, and you'll have a new girlfriend when you figure out how to build one.
"The Guitarist Amplification".

Wolowitz: It's not enough you get the prom queen, you have to get the head of the decorating committee, too?
"The Gorilla Experiment".

Wolowitz: I'd take Sheldon to Switzerland, absolutely. And I'd leave him there.
"The Large Hadron Collision".

Leonard: It should go back to Peter Jackson. He made the movies; it belongs to him.
Wolowitz: Fine, he can have it back -- as long as he promises to make me a hobbit in his next movie.
Raj: There are no Jewish hobbits.
Wolowitz: Clearly, you've never been to my house for dinner on Rosh Hashana.
"The Precious Fragmentation".

Penny: Who's Adam West?
Sheldon: Who's Adam West!? Leonard, what do you talk about after the coitus?
Wolowitz: My guess is "four minutes, a new record!".
"The Precious Fragmentation".

Wolowitz: How's it feel to get beaten up by a girl?
Sheldon: It's not the first time. I have a twin sister whose assaults began in utero. If only I'd had the presence of mind to absorb her. Then I'd have a mole with hair in it, instead of a tedious yearly Christmas letter.
"The Precious Fragmentation".

Raj: Ahh, the premature I love you.
Wolowitz: : I guessed premature, does that count?
"The Wheaton Recurrence".

Wolowitz: What did you do, Romeo? Did you pour maple syrup all over your body and ask her if she was in the mood for a short stack?
"The Wheaton Recurrence".

Raj: Do you think you'll go to hell for eating sweet and sour pork?
Wolowitz: Jews don't have Hell. We have acid reflux.
"The Spaghetti Catalyst".

Leonard: Is that your dad?
Wolowitz: If she grows any more hair on her face, yes.
"The Staircase Implementation".

Season 4

Sheldon: Amy pointed out that, between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of producing the first in a line of intellectually superior, benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.
Wolowitz: I'm guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.
"The Robotic Manipulation".

Wolowitz: Oh look! It's Leonard and R2-D-bag.
"The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification".

Leonard: So, this is nice. First time we've all gotten together to eat.
Amy (to Sheldon): You're right. He's a festival of humdrum chitchat.
Leonard: Okay, that's all I got. Howard, you're up.
Wolowitz: Um, tell us about your work, Amy.
Amy: I doubt you'd understand. Sheldon tells me you only have a master's degree.
Wolowitz: Raj, do you have any questions for Amy?
"The Zazzy Substitution".

Wolowitz: Someday, when you have varicose veins, I'll show you how to massage them.
"The Zazzy Substitution".

Penny: God, he's an ass when he drinks.
Wolowitz: He's an ass he doesn't. You just don't hear it.
"The Zazzy Substitution".

Wolowitz: I took a scuba diving course over the summer, but it turns out I'm terrified of the ocean.
Bernadette: That's too bad.
Wolowitz: You wouldn't know anybody who wants to buy a wet suit? Boy's large?
"The Hot Troll Deviation".

Wolowitz: I was once robbed by a pre-op transsexual on J-Date and that didn't even crack my top ten.
"The Desperation Emanation".

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My another The Big Bang Theory Quote articles

My Leonard L. Hofstadter Articles: link

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