Sophia: I need the money for my old age.
Dorothy: Old age? You don't leave fingerprints anymore.
Rose: My mother always used to say: "The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana."
Sophia: I'm not leaving now. It's just getting good.
Dorothy: Shady Pines, Ma!
Sophia: You're bluffing...
Dorothy: [menacingly] The West Wing?
Sophia: I'm right behind you.
Blanche: You know what the worst part about getting older is?
Dorothy: Your face, Rose's hands?
Dorothy: You'll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered her totally annoying.
Rose: I just had a thought...
Sophia, Dorothy, Blanche: Congratulations.
Rose: Well, I'm off.
Rose: Sophia, why are you in such a bad mood?
Sophia: Excuse me Rose, but I haven't had sex in fifteen years and its starting to get on my nerves.
Blanche: What do you think of my new dress? Is it me?
Sophia: It's too tight, it's too short and shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.
Dorothy: Yes, Blanche. It's you.
[Sophia enters kitchen]
Dorothy: You couldn't sleep either, huh?
Sophia: No, I'm sleeping so good I thought I'd come try it in the sink.
Rose: Can I ask a dumb question?
Dorothy: Better than anyone I know.
Blanche: This is strictly off the record but Dirk is nearly five years younger than I am.
Dorothy: In what, Blanche, dog years?
Blanche: I treat my body like a temple.
Sophia: Yeah, open to everyone, day or night.
Stan: Hello Sophia, you're looking younger every day.
Sophia: Hi Stan, and that's a beautiful toupee you're wearing. Great, now we're both liars.
Rose: Now, I know no one wants to hear any of my stories right now...
Dorothy: That's always a safe bet, Rose.
Rose: ...but you need to hear about my cousin Ingmar. He was different. He used to do bird imitations.
Blanche: Well, what's wrong with that?
Rose: Well, let's just say you wouldn't want to park your car under their oak tree.
Rose: Everybody likes me.
Sophia: I don't!
Rose: Oh, you just say that Sophia.
Miles Webber: Rose, I've never met anyone quite like you.
Sophia: Check the corn field on Hee-Haw.
Rose: Belief can be powerful. I had a sty once, and every night I would close my eyes and think about it getting smaller and smaller until it went away!
[Sophia leans on the fridge with her eyes closed]
Dorothy: Ma, what's wrong?
Sophia: Nothing. I'm just trying to make Rose go away.
Rose: You... you... you rude person!
Dorothy: Go easy on him, Rose.
Dorothy: Ma, Rose isn't talking to me...
Sophia: Enjoy it while it lasts, now good night.
Dorothy: What is it, Ma?
Dorothy: What kind of pain?
Sophia: The kind that hurts.
Sophia: Look, you didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'm old, so I'm giving it anyway.
Blanche: Sophia, I need you.
Sophia: Blanche, you were strong and independent long before I got here.
Rose: I need you too, Sophia.
Sophia: Rose, you need the Wizard of Oz.
Rose: Dr. Kagan? Hubba hubba zing zing, baby, he's got everything.
Rose: [Rose is checking Sophia into the hospital] Name?
Sophia: Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People.
Rose: Like we say in St. Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy.
Sophia: If this sauce were a person, I'd get naked and make love to it.
[Sophia is noisily eating Fritos. Dorothy gets very annoyed]
Dorothy: MA, WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP THAT!
Sophia: These are FRITOS, Dorothy. What do you want me to do, swallow them whole?
Sophia: No offense, pussycat.
Dorothy: None taken, you cankerous little prune!
Dorothy: Now look here... You withered old Sicilian monkey!
Rose: Lets face it, Blanche, you have Bette Davis eyes... and Freddy Kruger hands!