!!!!!!!!!WARNING!!!!! ONLY FOR ADULTS!!!!!!
She was silent for a long moment. I calmed down. I was acting in the worst way I could - she wasn't the one who ruined everything. That was me.
“I didn’t know what to expect—but I definitely did not expect how… how… just wonderful and perfect it was.” Her voice dropped to a whisper, she looked down on my hands, looking embarrassed. “I mean, I don’t know how it was for you, but it was like that for me.”
She cared about me more, than I deserved. I lifted her chin with my finger and wanted her to meet my gaze. How could she use word ‘perfect’ or ‘wonderful’ if I was hurting her body?
“Is that what you’re worried about?” I said through the teeth. “That I didn’t enjoy myself?”
She didn’t look up. “I know it’s not the same. You’re not human. I just was trying to explain that, for a human, well, I can’t imagine that life gets any better than that.”
But her words made my mind recall the feeling of total happiness in that was filling my whole body and mind, before I noticed the bruises. I knew that last night was the best ever. And my lovely Bella made it such for me.
And I felt her warm body pressed to mine, sending the waves of warms through my cold skin, reaching my silent heart. For one single moment I allowed myself to believe that she was telling the truth and that she was happy about what happened and felt amazing just as I felt before I noticed her injury. But this was only for one moment. And then guilt and pain filled my soul again.
“It seems that I have more to apologize for.” I frowned. “I didn’t dream that you would construe the way I feel about what I did to you to mean that last night wasn’t… well, the best night of my existence. But I don’t want to think of it that way, not when you were . . .” I heard her heart beat accelerated a little, as she met my gaze. She smiled a little:
“Really? The best ever?” she asked in a small voice.
I took her face between my hands. “I spoke to Carlisle after you and I made our bargain, hoping he could help me. Of course he warned me that this would be very dangerous for you.” He was so right. “He had faith in me,
though —faith I didn’t deserve.” She wanted to protest, but I didn’t finish yet, so I put my fingers over her warm soft and swollen of my hungry kisses lips before she said anything.
“I also asked him what I should expect. I didn’t know what it would be for me… what with my being a vampire.” I smiled hardly, thinking that I was damned in everything – even when I wanted to share my love I did harm. “Carlisle told me it was a very powerful thing, like nothing else. He told me physical love was something I should not treat lightly. With our rarely changing temperaments, strong motions can alter us in permanent ways. But he said I did not need to worry about that part—you had already altered me so completely.” I smiled at this thought. I was completely different when I met Bella first time at school – I was apathetic to my life – I was alone and sure that I’ll spend this damned existence on my own, trying to be just a little better than other monsters, but knowing that there’s no heaven to me. I was regretting the day, when Carlisle changed me and the time after, when I lived away from him, killing people. I was trying to distract myself from this meaningless life by studying, playing and creating new music, hanging out with brothers and sisters, feeling always alone, knowing that everyone in my house has his soul mate. And one day she came to my life and changed it completely – with her indescribable scent, chocolate eyes and soul of angel. I felt myself human with her. Sometimes I prayed there could be any way for me to become human again and to live human life with her. I could do everything for that. She made me completely different.
“I spoke to my brothers, too. They told me it was a very great pleasure. Second only to drinking human blood. But I’ve tasted your blood, and there could be no blood more potent than that.… I don’t think they were wrong, really. Just that it was different for us. Something more.” But though I didn’t think that she felt the way she was talking about. The bruises were very dark, what meant that most of her muscles pained. So every move caused her pain.
“It was more. It was everything.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that it was wrong. Even if it were possible that you really did feel that way.”
I felt her body tensed.
“What does that mean? Do you think I’m making this up? Why?”
“To ease my guilt. I can’t ignore the evidence, Bella. Or your history of trying to let me off the hook when I make mistakes.”
She grabbed my chin and leaned forward so that our faces were inches apart. I felt her scent so intense, making my mind blurry as she started talking:
“You listen to me, Edward Cullen. I am not pretending anything for your sake, okay? I didn’t even
know there was a reason to make you feel better until you started being all miserable. I’ve never been so happy in all my life—I wasn’t this happy when you decided that you loved me more than you wanted to kill me, or the first morning I woke up and you were there waiting for me.…” Her words were recalling the happiest moments of my existence.
“Not when I heard your voice in the ballet studio”—all my body tensed as my mind was filed by the image of broken mirrors around, her head covered with blood, streaming out of wounds, her moans of pain and voice, calling me.
“or when you said ‘I do’ and I realized that, somehow, I get to keep you forever. Those are the happiest memories I have, and this is better than any of it. So just deal with it.”
As I could read from her face, now she seemed upset and angry. That wasn’t right thing. She was my life and I was supposed to do everything to make her happy again. I couldn’t change, what I had done that night, but I had a chance to make her smile again, to make her feel great again.
“I’m making you unhappy now. I don’t want to do that.”
“Then don’t you be unhappy. That’s the only thing that’s wrong here.”