1. If you face in a certain direction so that there are a lot of people, objects, shiny surfaces, and/or you can see really far, time may slow down and your vision will become choppy.
2. Sometimes if you go somewhere you’re “not supposed to be” you may fall through the ground and find yourself falling through a void, with the world as you know it rapidly disappearing into the distance above.
3. Turtles and mushrooms can kill you just by touching you anywhere other than the bottom of your feet.
4. While on a date with a girl, just barely brushing a pedestrian with your car accidentally will ruin your date fast. However, the same girl will have no problem with helping you intentionally steal as many cars as you want.
5. You can only have unclothed sex after applying a patch.
6. No matter how heinous a crime you pull, even directly in front of cops, they will forget what you look like and what car you sped off in if you stay out of their sight for 20 seconds.
7. Regardless of shoe type, the soles are always so slippery that standing on any slope greater than 45 degrees will cause you to slide like an ice skater downhill.
8. Some types of molten lava will not kill you, even if you fall completely in, as long as you jump out quickly.
9. Whenever you find a valuable item lying around in a dark corner, a short musical flourish will come from nowhere. Warning: you will become addicted to that sound.
10. If you’re ever in a shootout and firing near cover, you may find that even though you have clear line-of-sight to your opponent’s head, your bullets are bouncing off some invisible force near the cover you are hiding behind. Moving sideways a few inches will alleviate the problem.
11. Reloading a gun when only one bullet has been expended won't waste the other bullets left in the clip that you have just tossed on the ground. Also, the clip casing itself will disappear the moment it leaves your hand, resulting in no messy cleanup.
12. At some unknown point in history a brilliant scientist invented indestructible glass. Not just bulletproof, but even point-blank rocket launcher proof. Also, this glass managed to replace a large portion of the world’s windows without anybody noticing or having to pay a fee for the installation.
13. Whoever came up with the Periodic Table is an idiot and a fraud. There are obviously only 4 elements.
14. It’s possible to be in full daylight outdoors without the Sun visible anywhere in the sky.
15. Even if you are an obviously experienced warrior, you’ll need someone to teach you how to jump in the air while pointing your sword downward, and another person to teach you about pointing your sword upward.
16. Every woman in the world who isn’t a one-woman super assassin army needs to be rescued.
17. Typewriters are actually temporal devices that you can return to after dying or making a mistake, as long as you type the date and time into them.
18. Shotguns will still be in common use even thousands of years into the future, despite advances in energy-weapon technology and armor plating. The reason, of course, is that shotguns are awesome.
19. If you’re a soldier in a war and you use every tactic and weapon you can to stay alive and kill the enemy, some of the people you killed will call you “cheap” from beyond the grave, possibly even haunting you with accusations of how “skill-less” you are.
20. If you’re in a martial arts tournament and are about to lose, you can quit at the last second and your opponent will be given the loss on his record. Whether your dignity remains untarnished is another matter.
21. Telekinetic aliens have a really, really hard time getting out of holes in the ground.
22. In medieval times, the only thing knights wore under their armor was polka-dot boxer shorts.
23. Superman is actually vulnerable to a whole lot more than kryptonite. He also can’t fly wherever he wants, and instead must fly through giant floating rings. Overall, being Superman sucks.
24. If you uppercut someone hard enough, huge globs of coagulated blood will fly out of nowhere in particular on their body, leaving no noticeable wound.
25. If you uppercut someone just a bit harder, their head may fly off, or their entire body may fly straight through the ceiling. If they aren’t dead yet, you’ll have to leap up through the ceiling to finish the fight.
26. In the future, the most skilled soldiers will enter battle heavily armored, but not wear helmets.
27. Most people can survive indefinitely without eating, while others will die in a few minutes without food.
28. You can sleep at any time of the day regardless of how recently you last slept. However, you can only sleep in certain designated beds.
29. Storekeepers don’t care if you go behind the counter and rummage around in everything, as long as you don’t actually take anything. Some will even let you take things without paying, as long as said things are in shiny chests or pots located somewhere in front of the counter.
30. If you torture a chicken long enough, his posse will come for revenge.
31. Every time you enter your house, you’ll have to wait a while before you can see the inside.
32. You can grab and easily shake a full-grown tree with a trunk that is two feet thick, and delicious fruit will come raining down.
33. If you crouch in a slightly shadowy area, people facing you from two feet away cannot see you.
34. Most trained guards cannot see more than 50 feet in front of them, cannot hear a massive gunfight happening a few rooms away, and will often stop in the middle of a patrol to stare at a blank wall with their back facing a long hallway.
35. Personality means never saying a word.
36. Wardrobe malfunctions never happen during strenuous activity because all women glue their clothes on.
37. Everything you’ve used can be sold back for exactly half price, regardless of the item’s condition.
38. Walking takes too long; jogging is the preferred method of transport, even when moving only a few feet.
39. You can only sprint for about five seconds, after which you’ll be so winded you’ll be panting like a dog. However, in another five seconds, you can sprint at full speed again.
40. Stairs only look like right-angled ascending platforms. In reality, they are just a smooth slope upon which you can plant your feet anywhere.
41. If you come to a huge pile of junk blocking an alley, even though it looks easily climbable, don’t even bother. Obviously, this is the end of the universe.
42. Even though zombies are created by a virus, being bitten by one will never infect you. You may need to eat some commonly potted herbs to take care of the wound, though.
43. Wild animals are all extremely aggressive. When going into uncivilized areas, carry a gun and shoot everything that moves before it can attack you.
44. It’s pretty easy to kill twenty terrorists with your bare hands…
45. ...but forget about jumping over a two-foot sandbag.
46. Cops don’t care how many cars you smash into right in front of them, as long as it’s not theirs.
47. Cops don’t understand the concept of license plates. A fresh paint job will fool them every time.
48. Combined arms in war is not always the most effective strategy. Often massing a single type of unit is better.
49. An entire fortified outpost can be constructed in a matter of minutes, even directly in front of an enemy base and while under attack.
50. When establishing colonies in new lands, often the best approach is to train a few crack troops while scouting for potential threats, and then sending a small force to attack the closest town as quickly as possible. Be sure to order your troops to kill anyone carrying or building anything first.
51. A wooden stake is not, in fact, the weapon of choice when going up against vampires. A whip is.
52. If a person offers to pay you to go out and collect 20 widgets and then bring them back to him, it’s not a job, it’s entertainment.
53. Being a rock star doesn’t require creativity or talent, just dexterity and timing.
54. The spikier your hair, the more power you have.
55. Choosing one emotion and channeling it 24/7 counts as personality.
56. If your pseudo-philosophical babbling doesn’t appear effective in impressing someone, just pile on more jargon and bigger words. No one will notice.
57. Pausing for a long time between sentences isn’t awkward at all, and sounds totally natural, since everyone else does it.
58. Never trust the advice of someone helping you out of some dire situation via an earpiece or speaker system.
59. Every military, police, or Special Forces squad has one member that is smarter, more skilled, and harder to kill than the others.
60. Going through life-threatening experiences doesn’t just make you wiser, it also makes you stronger, faster, and increasingly impervious to harm.
61. Most clothing never needs to be washed, cannot be damaged in any way, and won’t create awkward stares if you wear the same outfit every day.
62. Hypothermia is a medical hoax. Go ahead and wear short-shorts in Antarctica.
63. It’s possible to climb a ladder without using your arms. This is especially useful if you are carrying a huge gun.
64. Armies of every era have required their soldiers to be telepathic so they can respond to orders instantly and move in large groups with perfect simultaneous coordination.
65. Still, a single highly-trained telepathic soldier sometimes just cannot figure out how to get from point A to B, despite having a pretty damn clear path.
66. Nobody in the world actually mourns a loved one’s death for more than ten seconds.
67. Strangely, though, for some reason studies have shown revenge for a loved one’s death to be the number-one motivation for the epidemic of one-man killing sprees plaguing mankind.
68. Your arms will never get tired even if you hold a Gatling gun perfectly straight out in front of you for hours on end.
69. In the future, soldiers will be sent into combat situations without a way to clip a light onto their gun, helmet, or any other hands-free device. Also, duct tape will be eradicated from existence some time earlier.
70. Successfully catching a fish doesn’t take NEARLY as long as everyone claims.
71. Most cars actually require no gas at all.
72. If you are ever in a situation where you have to help someone escape danger, take a deep breath and try to resist becoming angry at this person. A psychological phenomenon known as IDS, or “Idiocy in Danger Syndrome” reduces anyone to total incompetence in such a situation, no matter how intelligent they appear to be.
73. For reasons scientist have still failed to explain, it’s possible to jump off of pure air, but only once after initially jumping off the ground.
74. World War II was not won by numerous countries coordinating attacks across the globe, but rather by a single jack-hole with a gun. Said jack-hole’s identity varies depending on the source.
75. Carrying around 200 lbs of weight will not hinder you at all. However, carrying 201 lbs will prevent you from moving an inch.
76. Sometimes the recently departed are prone to seizures if their bodies happen to be touching walls or other objects.
77. It’s possible that while looking at surfaces from certain angles, huge portions may suddenly stretch, flicker, or jiggle. STAY CALM. You are not on drugs.
78. If you’re participating in an illegal street race and you don’t do well, all of your opponents don’t mind racing again and again so that you can eventually win.
79. If you are a security guard and all of your fellow guards disappear, it is perfectly fine to search for an intruder for thirty seconds, then return to your normal search route, on your own, at midnight, while you know a murderer is on the loose and has been sighted within 5 meters of you in the last few minutes.
80. If you’re ever hard up for cash, just go cut down any tall grass you see.
81. Boomerangs are in fact extremely useful tools and potentially deadly weapons, and not crappy toys that fall on the ground every time you throw them.
82. Performing a stunt in the middle of a race is not a dangerous and risky display of poor sportsmanship, but in fact allows you to go even faster.
83. Cars with official corporate logos on them are indestructible...
84. …generic rip-offs, however, will smash into a crumpled wad while hitting a tree.
85. If you’re in a life-threatening situation, try focusing really hard. You may experience a slowing down of time, or possibly a nice glowing color indicating danger or safety.
86. Shooting someone in the chest at point-blank range with a semi-automatic rifle may not kill them sometimes, but smacking them with the butt of the same rifle will induce death every single time.
87. You can walk down the street with a fully automatic weapon and not even get a second glance from the police.
88. All small electronics like radios, earpieces, and cell phones will work no matter how much water you swim through. Also, all guns, medicinal herbs, alchemic powders, paper documents, and explosives are equally waterproof.
89. A night in jail is usually enough to have your trial ready the day after, and even the worst crimes generally result in a small fine.
90. Hacking into high-security areas does not require extensive training and expertise, but rather the ability to solve simple shape-sliding or color-matching puzzles.
91. If a mayor wants to demolish someone’s house to put a big statue of himself there instead, it's perfectly acceptable to do so. In fact, it will increase the mayor’s approval rating from the adjacent home-owners.
92. As long as a military general kills more of the enemy than his own troops, he is considered an unqualified success.
93. You can behave like a psychotic a-hole one moment, and then lay on the syrupy love the next, and no one will think you’re crazy, or even remember what you said ten seconds ago.
94. It is a great idea to pick up random syringes off of vending machines and inject yourself to find out what happens.
95. 95% of all doors in the world are locked or jammed shut and cannot be opened by any conventional means.
96. Every conspicuously tall building in the Middle East has a hay-cart sitting directly under it, so feel free to dive off of every one.
97. In modern warfare, the only way to win is by advancing, because the enemy will never run out of troops otherwise.
98. Have fantasies of being a police officer, ambulance driver, fireman, or cab driver? Just steal one of the appropriate vehicles. No one at dispatch will wonder why their usual driver’s voice suddenly changed.
99. If you’re ever stuck in a burning building, find something red to wear. Red clothing usually denotes some measure of heat protection.
100. Every product in the world is priced in whole dollars. Pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters do not exist.
101. Death is never permanent. Even if it were, you could always just kill him.