Oh boy, here we go. We had to get to a really awful movie eventually. Now, this isn’t like Elves, Silent Night, Deadly Night or Jack Frost. This movie we are reviewing isn’t a so bad it’s good movie. No, this movie is just all bad. I hate it… In case it wasn’t clear. I talked about the classic 1980s Nightmare on Elm Street and the terrible remake for October Movie Marathon. And, on Christmassacre, I talked about Black Christmas. So, that’s right, I’m talking about the terrible remake, the 2006 remake of Black Christmas. Also, I couldn’t find images because of the violence. Plus, due to this movies lack of… trying, I decided not to try either. Shut up.
This trainwreck starts with the backstory of Billy. Because I always wanted to know the backstory of Billy, the mysterious killer who we never even saw once. I always wanted to know what he was like. So, the backstory is about how Billy was abused by his mother. He is then raped by his mother, who gives her a healthy baby girl named Agnes. So, we’ve got abuse, rape, incest, and, given that this is a slasher film, murder. Oh boy, and all within the first few minutes of the movie. You know, most movies try to be a little tame at the beginning and get progressively more disturbing as the movie goes on. Not throw it all out at the beginning. So, after this, Billy kills his entire family, except for his sister Agnes, and is found eating his mother’s flesh. Oh, but I shouldn’t be angry with him, because he was abused and it’s why he was the way he was. I should sympathize with a serial killer. Bite me. So, he is then sent to an asylum, before the breaks out and-... Wait a second. He murders his family members, goes to an asylum, then escapes to a small town so he can go and murder young teens… Goddamn it, it’s Halloween. It’s just the plot of Halloween but instead, it’s around Christmas time. How hard was it to follow the original Black Christmas? Seriously, was that too hard for you people to do. Anyway, the rest of the movie is what you’d expect. Just the guy killing people in overly gory ways because having more gore is better than having subtlety.
So, instead of having some creative murders, like cutting between showing a girl being murdered to Christmas carolers or having the amazing eye scene, instead, we’re treated to plastic bag kill… pastic bag kill… stabbed with gardening tool… decapitated… plastic bag kill, oh thank god, we went too long without a plastic bag kill. For god’s sake, Manhunt didn’t use the damn plastic bag this much. Also, being scalped with ice skates… Seriously. Also, why does Billy need to eat the eyes of his victims. Oh, it’s because it has so much similarities with the movie. Instead of showing only Billy’s eyes, it will just show the killer eating his victim’s eyes. It’s gory, so it’s scary. Who needs to have mystery in horror. Oh my god, this movie is so simple to follow, it’s insulting to my IQ. I’ve heard people say that the movie is good on it’s own and shouldn’t be compared to the original. Okay, so, I’ll try and see what it does good on it’s own. Short answer: Nothing.
Large answer: Okay, so, I won’t judge the movie as being compared to the original, because if I do, I can find a million flaws. Instead, I’ll talk about everything else. So, okay, the acting may be good, but the writing is what really, really, REALLY kills this movie. It’s nothing more than just crappy jump scares (Which still suck because they are either cheap or so predictable that they don’t matter), and just lots and lots of gore. I don’t even think this many people should have been in a sorority house. Oh wait, if there were any less, than it wouldn’t exactly be a slasher movie would it. Note that I didn’t say that it wouldn’t be a GOOD slasher movie. Man, if only all scary movies were this predictable, than it would save me so much time. Remember when I said the acting was good. Well, yeah, it is, but holy shit. Everyone in this movie is so stupid. I’ve never shouted “Get the fuck out of the house” louder at the screen than I did for any movie. Mainly because, whenever people know that the killer is in the house, and they can easily leave the house, and there is literally nothing keeping them from leaving like traps or the killer outsmarting them (Like Halloween did), instead, they just screw off into the house, the one place the killer is in, and understandably, the number rate of characters starts dropping immensely. Jesus Christ, I can feel my IQ dropping, do something that makes sense already!
And the climax of the movie (I don’t care about spoilers, really), is that it was actually Agnes the whole time. But it was also Billy. So, they’re working together. Well, I guess murdering her entire family and disfiguring her eye made her want to help her brother/father. So, they fake their deaths so that they can chase the last of the survivors to the hospital, I am not kidding. They chase them like their some sort of holly jolly T-1000s, hellbent on killing these two college girls. And the movie ends with Billy impaling himself on a Christmas tree. Now, I could compare this to the ending of the original, but you already know that it’s impossible. The endings are night and day. Screw this movie. I hate it so much. There are good horror movie remakes out there. The Fly, The Thing, Body Snatchers, Crazies, and The Blob. But as far as remakes go, this is one of the worst. It’s not as bad as Nightmare on Elm Street, but still pretty bad. Bad enough to have critic Jim Ridley compare this movie to afterbirth… gross… But very agreeable. Take care.