PART 1- LETS HAVE A RANT

Hi. So yeah, from the title I think you've gathered this story is about .... well let's just say a problematic 19 year old struggling to find a meaning in life.

If you're a typical "Caucasian" you'll never understand the things we "brown people" have to face. Over-protective parents are just the start. The kinds of people are totally different. The type of "cheats", "betrayers", "heart-breakers".

Being born in a place 2% of the people worldwide knew is just the start of a slightly difficult life. For now, lemme just summarize my life for you. I'm a 19 year old girl living in a tiny part of Asia. Now Asia doesn't only have China, Japan and Singapore you know. Besides that, here the system for things is completely out o' this world if you know what I mean. In Europian countries or any part of America or Australia where the education system is in actual words "fair" and "fruitful", in the place I live education system is...let's face it, A SHAM. Not being a horrible person here, but it's the truth. In those places where people depend on books and methods and long nights of studying to pass and do good on SATS or stuff, here people rely on the question papers leaked the night before the exam and the exam center so they can sneak things in to the center. Well if after this, I'm shot in the head by certain "activists", I won't be shocked. But its the truth. So yeah, when you're fighting to gain recognition among 200 thousand students every year where the universities can actually accommodate 10% of the candidates, its get harder every day to live a normal life and breathe. I agree, the education system elsewhere is pretty expensive. Some can't even afford it. So here there's a certain thing called "public universities". These educational institutions promise quality education at about 5 dollars per month. Shocked? Even the average waffle costs more than that. But there's a huge twist here. The typical brown issues have a major headlight, beeming with the message "Guinea pigs, this way! Get your way in and a confirmed job after 5 years." Okay what's so hard in this you ask? Let me explain. In this harsh economy and cut throat system, each university takes about 2000 to 2500 candidates max. Some even have 250 seats and the competitor list exceeds 30k. Ranting too much? Sorry, old vendetta. So yeah, if you can squeeze your way in those 20,000 seats GREAT! If not, there comes the private varsities. These places are like the regular universities in countries with white people. They charge about a total of 25,000 dollars. Which is fair enough, some of them actually give good education. But the main problem with brown people, they can't accept change. By brown people I do mean people here, if you're brown please don't get offended. So yeah that's where the issues start. If you can't get yourself into those "public spots" fighting against all the unending corruptions and leaked question papers, you'll be termed worthless and talentless. Okay so wth anyway. Public university folks get jobs and we're forced to sit and ogle.

You maybe wondering what this has to do with the story. Trust me, the connection is huge. So about 6 months ago I graduated high school. So like any other student, I wanted a good college. To get some good teachers and have a life maybe. But sad, I couldn't find a place among those "special children of the LORD" aka "Public Varsity Students". Not gonna lie some of them are majorly talented, but that doesn't mean I have to go through taunts from the next door neighbor. Now if you didn't know, unlike white folks, people here have real interest in other people's business. There own house maybe burning down, but they gotta stand there with kerosene and matchstick to light the other's house on fire.

When you don't get any place you get weird calls from all over the city. From people you hardly know. Like dude I haven't even seen you all my life and now suddenly you wanna know where I'm gonna go study for the next 5 years of my life? Okay that's just half the problems. Then come the next door neighbor aunties. They're like the cheaper version of CCTV cameras. Here parents can't deal with the fact that their children may feel attraction towards the "opposite sex". So they're on the constant lookout for someone to come by so they can shoot both their children and the opposite sex children. And homosexuality? SHHHH! They'll kill you with a fork if they hear that. Anywho... if you can't afford to lookout for your children 24/7/365 with torch lights and inspection of their phone bills, just go on and ask the neighborhood aunties. They're like the mini James Bond, like I said cheaper CCTV. All you gotta do is join them and feed them one new gossip every week and they'll be the bodyguard you never had, always on the lookout for your kids. Where they at, who they with. Even if you're chilling one day with your best friend(who's a boy) you'll soon hear things like, "I heard you were out with a boy today." My mom is the typical brown woman. One day she walks in the house after a long day of teaching, and finds me randomly playing games on the computer.

I had glasses back then. I pushed the refrigerator's door close. She walks up to me and asks,"Who visited today?" Me being totally unaware of the danger lurking by replied very normally that no one came to see my annoying face. She banged her fist against the door and started to scream. Okay WHAT IS GOING ON? My brother is actually nocturnal-ish. He sleeps the whole day and the whole day I was sitting in his room for the Wi-Fi connection he cut short so that I couldn't access it from my room. So okay he walks out and sees my mom almost fuming. I recalled this weirdly funny incident where I heard a woman whose eyes popped out cause she was too angry. Mom was raging and started screaming. She only said, "A BOY CAME HOME TODAY!" Okay I was shocked not gonna lie. Cause I had a boyfriend and he lived on the other end of town. And if he didn't come see me(secretively) who was here anyway. Then the tea was finally spilled. According to her, a man who apparently lives in our lane had told her he saw a boy visit by and me talking to him. I was so pissed. The only thing going on in my head was, who was this man? I asked my mom a hundred times who it was. Every time she replied with,"He's an old resident, he knows you and everyone." Now I've been living in this locality for 7 years so I can pretty much recognize everyone. Me and my brother pushed for more info. But she refused to budge. Then I came up on a conclusion. My mom had absolutely NO IDEA who he was. He could've been a murdered or someone who had absolutely no idea who I was, but she didn't care! NO SIREEE! All she cared about was the thing he told her, that a boy came by to visit me. So this is a pen picture of what you're gonna see more ahead on this story.

I banged my glasses against the floor and destroyed my favorite piece of specs. I shut the door close and cried and cried till my breath couldn't get shorter. My boyfriend tried to calm me down but I just screamed at my fate.

So now that phase is kinda gone. I'm 19. She can't really complain about who I'm to date. She still does tho. So now that I'm proudly sitting at home with no college and theoretically no future, I gotta hear things from the neighborhood aunties again. These kinda lines also come from my mom's colleagues. Lines like, "Oh poor her! My daughter came 44th on the test." And lines like, lemme list them so you can have a proper chance to pop your eyes out:

"My niece is studying a lot! She won't even go out to drink water!"

"She studying so much that her tongue is getting bloated."

"Oh so she didn't get into any varsity? Okay no issues. Tell her to look into the neighborhood community colleges"

There's nothing wrong with community college. But you don't get it, its not actually an advice. Its a taunt disguised as an advice. She actually means,"I KNEW SHE WOULDN'T MAKE IT ANYWHERE! She has colored hair and she wears denims and jackets! Of course she wouldn't! HAHA sucker!" So yeah, that's what's actually painful. To see your mom say things like, "No one's interested in you!" and "You won't even get place on the streets." You start losing self confidence. So I bet that's gonna give you an idea why I'm actually a doormat. Everyone walks in and treads all over me and I'm expected to shake my head like a bobble-head.

Except that, everything's dandy. I live with my parents. Here we don't actually move out. We move in, more deeper into our parent's expectations and family's wishes. So yeah, great. I studied in a co-ed so I'm not as awkward as other girls near boys. I'm a self proclaimed extrovert and I believe in setting new boundaries. But it kinda gets tough when you have about 200 people breathing down your neck and expecting you to "KILL IT!" when you yourself, and all your self dignity has been killed. To be very honest due to the lack of support I had a change of goals all my life. Mostly stuck between "I wanna go explore everything while doing what I love, SING!" and "This country is hopeless and I'm more so." Yea I wanted to be a singer. I had a weird voice. A weird mixture between Perrie Edwards and PINK. But I was always told I had a good one. If only here people would learn to accept a stronger voice. Here its a common thought, unless your voice is as smooth and high pitched as Celine Dion, you're better off dead. I could never do that to myself geez, as if I've more left to be killed.

My best friends are great. But like everyone else they have issues. They're kinda majorly dramatic. I dont blame them, they've been brought up to not accept change and mock people. But that's fine with me. I've dated 4 kinda of guys in my life, 4 boyfriends. And by now I;m out of feelings to spare and decided to live my in solace, cause if I can't have the one for me I ain't settling for anything less. We'll move on to the discussion later on, this was just to introduce you to me. And to make you understand how it feels to be different. And morely, people have to stop calling up exotic. Geez I'm not exotic, you're too white. No offense loves.

A few more details about me, okay. I have sarcasm in my blood and depression in my eyes by now. I talk a lot but express very less.That's why I thought to express myself a bit with people who'll never meet me but will know a part of my story. I can handle criticism but I can't handle cheats. All my life I've struggled with titles "fuckboys" and "abusers". I talk loud and not in circles, that's why most people here can't stand me. I colored my hair a year ago and was termed as an outcast and as a reason I never got into a public university. I'm in love with a guy who lives in Mexico and can never be mine, but by now I don't give a damn. I wanna grow up to do things I always wanted to do. Buy things without looking at price tags, go to his concerts. Did I mention the love of my life sings? Yes he does. And one last thing, I smile a lot and try to hide my problems. Cause I believe its useless to spread unhappiness. I watch makeup tutorials but have no makeup. I buy loads of "SEXY" outfits but can't wear them cause then I'd be shammed for dressing like a slut. I'm outspoken and at the same time shy.

So yeah, that's it for the 1st chapter. Sorry if this was too much info for all you guys, but I believe that to totally understand my story, you should be able to relate to me a bit. So yeah, till my next chapter, let's all hope and pray ya'll don't suffer like I do and have a good life and I don't kill myself out of anxiety. On the next chapter I'll take you back 4 years of my life and give you an inside scoop of why I AM A DOORMAT.

Leave me some love :) I'm back after 3 years lol