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He had just snorted a line of Horlicks, (he was an idiot)
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On the 21st of June 2007, my best friend killed himself. He shot himself in the head after suffering from depression for what he said was 'as long as i can remember'. I'd known the guy from when i was three and i miss him like the devil. He was called Joe Spencer Garrard. But for the last few years he dropped the spencer bit, (his bastard dads name). I grew up with the guy and was with him on the last day. Hence i feel almightly responcible, and i know people have told me there is nothing i could have done but i do. As we grew up together we used to play out in the woods alot, Joe was an out door person, he liked to mess around, we both did. But since he died i feel like my childhood is over and i must grow up. =[ So faithful fanpop friends, my guts are on display to you lovely lot.
i am lost and every day a part of me wants to not be alive anymore, I have tryed talking to people on Suicide fourums, people who have all expirienced things like this but it just feels like they are regurgitating the same stuff from person to person, im seeing a shrink (docter) about my depression but i wont go on Meds.
I don't know what advice im looking for i suppose what can i do? i just need to vent and if anyone has anything to say, or advise feel welcome don't feel sheepish, ask about Joe if you want to i want to talk about him =]
added on Jan11: just found the ulagy that i said at Joes cremation. Joes mum came and hugged me on the podium after i had finished. I was choked with tears but its just something i thought i'd put up
" Joe was my best friend.I've known him for 13 years and he meant the world to me. When anyone talks about him I think of stupid ideas, stupid risks and the inevitable consequences. He was a person who didn't have to try and impress others, he could naturally do it.
I feel Joe made his peace with the world and that makes me happy, to know he wasn't angry at the end. I find it impossible to say how i feel about Joe. The words soulmate or kindred spirits don't seem to describe what we had. We grew up together; we shared plans for the future and memories from the past. Anyone that has that with another should cherish it because it can be taken from you so suddenly like it was for me and Joe.
I love Joe, so much and I hope he is in a better place now."
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of course i would now also love to tell you something you havent heard..something to lift your spirits or inspire you, but of course i cant...if i can think of something remotely helpful i will instantly message you. i went through depression for 2 years and all the talking to my shrink was comforting and helpful.but when you wake up and the clouds are inside your head..well talking never got rid of that. What "cured" me was that i stopped taking the pill (hormones grrrrr) and was treated with homeopathic medicine. but that wont help you because im guessing ( and hoping for that matter) youre not on the pill!? and please: even if it only helps to get something out of your system: WRITE!
message me anytime, post a soapbox, message someone, do a forum post...that to me was always helpful.more the writing actually than the talking...wow this is long.oops, sorry
p.s- nah i'm not on the pill =P
you must have a lot of willpower! i dont know what drugs you were doing but you just quit like that!?
i am kind of expecting no as an answer..but do you have any religious or spiritual beliefs!?
it's brilliant that you would honor Joe like this and that you are so open :)
3 years ago he jumped in front of a train (I still found it hard to say after all these years)
I was so down, lost a lot of friends (cause of my mood and behaviour) and was send to a shrink, I avoided talking about my friend and trough time I felt somewhat better. It’s not that I didn’t wanted to talk about him, but just not with people who didn’t knew him (like shrinks who get paid to listen! pfff)
I never had real closure, that is the imported thing I guess, cause I’ve been depressed 3 times in 3 years, it comes back every time. I’m working on closure now, but it’s so hard.
I know it happened in June, but how are you now? You feel better or found some closure? (I’m sorry if your not, people assume that through time it al is better, but it’s for anyone different!) I hope you don’t feel guild anymore. Do people still talk about your friend? Cause that’s what I miss, no one talk about my friend, it’s like taboo or something. I think it helps to talk in a way…
I’m sorry if I didn’t tell you anything you haven’t heard before, I definitely don’t want to compare your friend with mine, I’m just writing down my experience and the way I dealt (or didn’t) with it, with my advise to you to find closure, cause I just don’t want people to go through the same things I’ve been trough years after and still have…
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