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Who will become the next music superstar? We decide...
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A Rant about Season 7
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Granted, the issues I'm seeing aren't unique to this season...but I think they're more pronounced than they've ever been. I see the following problems, presented in no particular order: Dichotomy between live and TV This is an issue with any of the performance shows, even the generally superior Rock Star: what the people who are there live witness is totally different from what we watching at home do. For one thing, the live audience sees the whole performance, whereas those of us watching on TV see just what the camera shows us. So we often get close-ups rather than seeing the contestant dance or perform. That's fine, especially when, as with season 7 so far, the contestants seem constitutionally incapable of pulling off any moves. But what's much worse is that we aren't hearing the same thing the audience is hearing...that is, a sound production team for a live television show has two audio outputs: one for the 'house' (the live audience) and another for the broadcast recording. These two are always going to be a little different, because that's how sound production works. What works well for a large concert space is not going to sound good coming from TV speakers, and vice versa. In the first, you have to take into account the acoustics of the space as well as the noise of the crowd, while for the second you should make it sound as crisp and with the highest fidelity possible. This season is even worse than previous ones for the simply crappy job the producers are doing at mixing the sound for the broadcast recording. This second week, all of the low tones were practically inaudible, though it was even worse for the women on the second day than it was for the men on the first. It's not a matter of turning up the volume on the receiver, either: the source sound was crappy. As an audience, we can't judge how people are singing if we can't hear them. In this situation, we find ourselves getting really irritated by the judges providing feedback on stuff we couldn't even hear. A note to the "American Idol" producers: Fix this, for cryin' out loud! Come on! Singing What we could hear, though, has been largely disappointing, because the contestants by and large have such poor singing technique. David Archuleta seems to be the front-runner for the guys, not because he's delivering virtuoso performances, but because he's not making as many dumb-ass mistakes as all the other guys are. And even he is making some: he's consistently popping his plosives in the mic, which would constitute a failing grade in Mic 101. But at least he's singing into the mic, unlike Jason Yeager singing "Long Train Runnin'", who seemed spastic for his inability to hold the microphone in front of his mouth...you know, Jason, the hole in the front of your head where the sound comes out? Just a note, folks, in case no one has ever told you this before and you haven't figured it out: if you don't keep the mic in front of your mouth, no one will hear you! Last night, we were excited to see that the powerhouse raw talent contestant, Carly Smithson, was performing first. Unfortunately, she still needs training, both on how to handle the mic and how to sing a relaxed melody, so we were a little disappointed. But then, contestant after contestant performed even worse after her. By the time all the women had finished, we were stunned. Yes, Carly's performance wasn't all it should have been - she still needs work - but, as the brief review at the end showed, she completely outperformed everyone else. She's like Luke Skywalker on Dagobah: she may need training, but she's still got more power than anyone else in the room, as the closest thing to a Jedi the galaxy or this competition has got. Watching contestant after contestant fail miserably at singing the melodies of the songs they had chosen (the girls mostly singing flat, the boys mostly singing sharp), and only succeeding at singing big runs and ululations of their own devising, I began to wonder. Perhaps this is, in part, a product of our current pop music landscape: today, the majority of pop music doesn't have vocal melody to speak of, from rock bands like Good Charlotte and My Chemical Romance (where the instruments provide the melody) and artists like Sheryl Crow (who is infamous for not singing in any of her songs) and Fergie (whose melodies - when there are any - are recycled from 80s pop tunes) to rap and electronica. I like all of these types of music, but when I think about it, almost none of the pop music being produced today has a distinct vocal melody that you could hum (a common and useful definition of a good melody: can you hum it so that others can recognize it?). I'm not saying that those artists I mentioned can't sing, just that they mostly don't sing melody. Artists who can and do genuinely sing, such as Nelly Furtado, more and more often don't sing, because their songs are infused with rap and other rhythmic lyric delivery, with melody tending to be relegated to a chorus or two. So maybe I shouldn't be surprised that the contestants on "American Idol" can't hold a tune - it's just possible that they may not be completely lame, but rather that they don't really have exposure to songs with melody. That is to say, their failures could be from inexperience, rather than incompetence. I still find this frustrating in a singing competition, that the contestants - each of whom won out over thousands of other applicants - are so lacking in the fundamental skills. But then again, if they had the skills as well as the raw talent, they probably would already be recording artists. Retarded Song Choice So, as I mentioned earlier, this week (the second of season 7) was '70s week', where the contestants got to pick any song of their choice from the years 1971-1980 (the decade we refer to as the 70s). It was as big a time in pop music as it was in film. But the contestants - practially every last one of them - picked completely stupid songs. No, that's not strong enough. I hope you will excuse me, but I am ranting, after all. The song choices weren't just stupid, they were completely freakin' retarded. You may say that "these folks are all too young to know the music of the 70s", to which I reply: "That's true. But why, in the name of all that is good and true, would they not consult with someone who could help them with their song choices?" Again and again, we saw the judges wince in actual agony, just as we all were wincing, watching at home, at the completely moronic, amelodic songs chosen by these numbskulls. On the second day, with the women, the judges even reached a point where they stopped criticizing the song choices and just settled for "You really love that song, huh?", because they knew that no sane person would ever choose the song in question for a singing competition, except that they had some unhealthy emotional attachment to it. And you know what? Each of the contestants so asked said "Yes! It's totally my favorite song ever!" You know in your heart of hearts, that something extraordinary is going on when Ryan Seacrest starts giving constructive criticism and encouragement to the competitors, rather than asking them uncomfortable questions like "How did the judges saying that in front of millions of people make you feel?" When even Ryan is playing nice, you know that the contestants have reached a jaw-dropping nadir of suckiness. Take a note from Hemingway, dears: kill your darlings. You may love the song, but you gotta think for a moment: 'am I going to sound like crap trying to sing this thing that has no melody?' Why are none of them asking these questions of themselves? It's not a hard question. In fact, I'd think it would be a basic concern, to not sound like complete nincompoops for millions. But maybe that's just me. For an example: Brooke White performed Carly Simon's "You're So Vain". Carly Simon, who, while an icon of the early 70s (and not the 80s as some crazy people have asserted), is not an artist known for producing hugely melodic songs, falling more into that Sheryl Crow camp of mostly-spoken lyrics. Simon could even be considered Sheryl Crow's direct musical ancestor. Brooke's performance didn't totally suck, and she amused the judges by directing the snarky lyrics at Simon Cowell. That was so refreshing that the judges heaped praise on her, even though there wasn't much singing there (however, to be fair, this may be another instance of the judges hearing something different than we did at home - see above). Another example: Syesha Mercado did "Me and Mr. Jones". Syesha has a beautiful voice with a nice tone. But the performance couldn't accomplish much because the song is so lacking in a distinct melody, and so low-tempo. She did do very well - better than any other contestant, male or female - at making eye contact with the cameras, which is probably due to her on camera acting experience. So she connected well with the TV audience. But the song choice was not particularly interesting, and she slowed the tempo of an already low-tempo tune to the point that it really seemed like a lounge act. Luke Menard sang "Killer Queen" by Queen. Yes, you read that right. He tried to sing Queen, the poor bastard. You couldn't make a worse choice, could you? I mean: No melody? Check. Very complicated? Check. A tremendous negative comparison to the original? Check. Not making it his own? Check. Everything that could be done wrong - he's got it all! Oh, did I say that it couldn't get any worse? I was wrong: Alaina Whitaker sang "Hopelessly Devoted to You". Olivia Newton-John, people! You can't get more schmaltzy or more parodied than that. More on her performance later. But how about Kristy Lee Cook singing Linda Ronstadt's "You're No Good"? Every season we get people who have absolutely no clue how to sell themselves. To begin with, the song has practically no melody. OK, we've already established that pretty much everybody on the show had that problem. But why, why, why, would anyone who wanted to stay on the show ever pick a song that consists almost entirely of the repeated phrase 'You're no good'? People watching at home are going to remember her: "which one was Kristy? Oh yeah, she's no good." The girl can sing, and she looks good, but that is just about the worst song you could choose on a competition. You want people to come away from the show remembering your performance, but you want them to remember something positive. The only way it could have been worse is if she'd chosen to cover Led Zeppelin's "You totally suck ass" (I beg your pardon). No matter how well you sing that, it's gonna be a negative for you. But I want to return to the subject of the 70s for a moment. True, it was a big period for songs that consisted of spoken word lyrics and little melody. Rap started in the 70s, after all (I like a lot of rap, but you can't say it's melodic. If you think it is, you're insane), as well as punk. But no one said you had to choose something with no melody! After all, there's plenty of music that does have great melody from the 70s. Off the top of my head, how about... Elton John? Billy Joel? Wings? Bob Marley? Abba? The Rolling Stones? Aerosmith? The Bee Gees? Eric Clapton? Bob Dylan? Paul Simon? Elvis? That's more than 10, all of which would've yielded better songs than any of the ones chosen by these sad-sack contestants. If you really felt the need to pick something without a strong melody, you could at least go for something that had some energy to it: dance music, or the aforementioned punk music. Somebody could've rocked the house with Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love", the Sex Pistols' "Anarchy in the UK", the Ramones' "Rockaway Beach", the Clash's "Rock the Casbah". You could even sing some punk with melody, like virtually anything from the 70s-era Stranglers ("No More Heroes", "Peaches"). All of these would require huge, energetic performances, however, to make up for the fact that there isn't much if any melody to guide the singer or listener. Sadly, the contestants are falling down there, too. Bad performances Why is it that no one can use their mouths and move their feet at the same time on this season? What's the problem? Sure, I know that this season they're allowing the use of an instrument on stage - that's a great addition, and allows musicians to shine and demonstrate some more talent (though in general they still compare unfavorably with the "Rock Star" contestants). But playing an instrument is no substitute for a physical performance. Movement on stage, when done well, lends energy to a vocal and adds interest for the audience. But most of them don't even try, and then when they do, like Kady Malloy singing "Magic Man", they almost trip coming down the stairs! I mean, come on - it's walking down the stairs, not a Ginger Rogers dance routine! I'm not sure, but I'd hazard a guess that walking down the stairs is something that you've done before in your life, and probably with a reasonable level of confidence that you're not going to fall down when you attempt it. It's this kind of performance that makes the other contestants scared to even move on stage, for fear of looking like idiots. Well, I got news for you, folks: you look pretty dopey on a big-ass stage and not moving at all. It's time to let go of the mic stand and move! If you watch the most dynamic performance of the week, Amanda Overmyer's "Carry on My Wayward Son", you'll notice that even there, she dances and stomps through the song only during the instrumental interludes, and stands stock still when singing. Needless to say, it wasn't a great song choice, either, with little melody outside of the chorus. With all this, it's pathetic but true that we got excited that David Hernandez, singing "Papa Was a Rolling Stone", managed to not fall on his face walking down the stairs. Sadly, the most movement he could muster after that was a little swaying from side to side, and that was the best stage performance of the week. Selling themselves Just a final note, building on the travesty of Kristy singing "You're No Good" - no matter how good you sing and/or perform, you've got to act positive and encourage the people who are going to vote to vote for you. Again and again on "American Idol", but never so often as in this season, contestants act defeated before the voting even happens. They'll say things like "I'll try to do better if I come back next week" (the emphasis is mine). What is wrong with you people?? Listen, you can be as insecure as you want. Let your guts shrivel up in fear...inside. Outside, you had better act like you know you're coming back each and every week. Don't be cocky about it - don't assert that you deserve to be there, or that you don't care about the judge's opinions and you're just there to have fun - but don't insert any doubt into our minds that you will be back next week, either. Be confident and humble, but not scared. We don't like to see you scared. We don't like to see that you're thinking that you're going to lose, you morons. If you suggest to us that you're thinking about losing, guess what? You're going to lose. I mentioned earlier that I was going to get back to Alaina Whitaker. OK, here goes: each of the contestants was asked to reveal something that "American doesn't know about you" for the little intro segment. We had some OK ones, some uncomfortable ones (Syesha crying like a baby, a dolphin, or maybe a baby dolphin right before she started singing, David Cook rambling on interminably about his delight in crosswords, David Hernandez bragging about how many awards he won in gymnastics, then not bothering to remember how many), but then you have Alaina laughing about how crazy she is. It's OK, though folks: she's nowhere near as crazy as she used to be. I'm delighted that you no longer have to use separate forks for each of your food items, dear, but couldn't you tell us something a little more...relatable? Immediately after we see her laughing about her OCD, she appears, a vision of insecurity in her shapeless, sleeveless blue dress. Now, I'm not a fashion expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I can offer the occasional tip, like don't ever wear a strapless gown if you're not going to stand up straight, confident and proud. There are few fashion choices in the world that look worse than a girl wearing a strapless gown hunching her shoulders forward and slouching. It makes anyone look pathetic and dejected because it accentuates the broad curve of the shoulders...no matter how big or small your shoulders are, no matter how well-endowed you are, if you slouch, your shoulders will look huge as you present the image of someone hunching in anticipation of a whipping. It's simple: if you're not going to stand up straight, don't wear a strapless gown. At best, hunching in a strapless gown makes you look like a wallflower at the prom, and that's not a positive image for anybody. Much like the song choices, these people should know enough to ask other people for advice on how they dress for each performance. Summary OK, so I've pretty much got the bile that I built up over the past couple of days out of my system. Hopefully, these contestants or future contestants can learn from their mistakes. To wit:
If you just keep those simple things in mind, you will completely demolish your competition, since clearly none of them are. |
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