This is a poem I wrote today, 7 May 2008. Feedback/analysis is welcome.
********************
My eyes have been thirsting for you
These long lonely years
My ears have strained to hear your voice
The boy's enthusiasm for his lover
Has not sagged but rather swelled
With deprivation
Memory paints you
Perfect in wit, charm
Desire
Today I saw you briefly, from afar
I had to avert my eyes
Lest I be consumed
My ears heard your distant laughter
Through all the other noise
In that crowded place
I know that memory lies
But still I shivered
With longing and remorse
Today I also heard of the other man
Now in your life
Somewhere inside, a door slammed shut
A portcullis came crashing down
Putting an end to the questions
Could there be a place for us in our lives?
Might we ever talk again of big things and small
(Not wrapped in each other's arms, but still)?
Would I ever again hear stories about your cats,
Equal parts condescension and affection?
Would you want to talk? Could we be friends, or
Would you want to claw out my eyes?
The door slammed shut, and all I could feel
Was a tremendous, crushing weight
Miraculously lifted from my shoulders
Free - free at last!
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just a quick question though
there's one line that really stands out to me and it's 'would you claw my eyes out' it doesn't seem to blend from not speaking and not being friends and seems extremeley violent from the rest of the romantic imagery so it seems to stop the rythem
i was wondering if that was intentional or not because it doesn't seem to work until you read the last verse and the rythem on 'door slammed shut'
I loved the poem as a whole though, especially the ending it really felt like you let us in and that you had moved on, like i said very beautiful
and well the surprise element was still there, though just a little earlier than planned maybe
another cool thing is that you wrote this on my birthday. and it explains the day I had. I wonder if I know you.
But thanks that really opened up my eyes.
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