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The 6 stupidest things I wondered when reading Twilight
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I've talked about some of the things that crossed my mind when reading Twilight in the past. Thoughts such as "when is Bella going to freak out about the Edward watching her sleep thing?" "Did that say sparkling? I've re-read that passage like, four times and it still seems to say sparkling" "Does Stephanie Meyer think deer is a vegetable? no, really does she? Does she think you can call yourself a vegetarian if you don't eat things like people or those monkeys who know sign language?"But those are valid thoughts that many people reading the books also thought (well, maybe not specifically the thing about Stephanie Meyer thinking non-vegetarians are cannibals who eat sign language monkeys, but the gist was the same). But aside from the sensible queries I had I also ended up wondering stupid things like: 1. How could Edward possibly enjoy watching Bella sleep? We all think of this from Bella's point of view, how she should feel violated, how could she be ok with that, etc, but lets see this from Eddy's. Since 'special sleeping' is never mentioned as one of Bella's mary sue powers I'm going to guess she sleeps like a normal person. Making this the least romantic experience ever. Sure you can watch someone sleep for a few minutes and think they look all cute and cuddly, but all night every night? He must have heard her fart about a hundred times. What if she snores? or talks in her sleep? or drools? She must do at least one of those things. If she doesn't the soul crushing boredom would have killed him. The fact that the way she sleeps was entertaining enough for Edward to keep it up every night means I have to assume he was there to laugh at her in all her embarrassing sleepy glory. 2. What if Bella started wearing perfume? Would he still like her? Because I estimate his feelings for her to be based on 50% her smell 15% her ability to not laugh hysterically at things like sparkles or vampire baseball 25% her willingness to be pushed around an 10% the fact that she's as melodramatic as him. 3. Speaking of them both being melodramatic, what if the girl who was just his favourite kind of smelly hadn't luckily turned out to be a huge drama queen like him? Could he love someone who was down to earth and reacted in any normal way? Even if it was still a girl who was ok with being a doormat, could he love someone who wasn't a drama queen? That would make their conversations suck for him: E: "We cannot be....For I am evil like a spider, and you are pure like people who take spiders outside away from people who don't like spiders." Non Drama queen Bella: "Oh, for heavens sake Edward can we just watch the movie?" E: "No, metaphorical spiders like me don't deserve movies." NDQB: "Will you just shush and eat your popcorn?" E: "This...is the popcorn...of a KILLER! we may never be a couple" NDQB: "Look, do you want us to break up?" E: "What? No. Where did you get that? You're not playing along!" 4. Wouldn't sparkling make it very hard to see? Even if part of his vampire powers is that strong light doesn't hurt his eyes (which it must be, have you ever looked really close at something bright? it hurts) all those little sparkles dancing around his vision would be so distracting. He doesn't just shine, he sparkles meaning it's lots of tiny little lights not just him glowing. How can he possibly focus past them? Does he sometimes just randomly go cross eyed because he was distracted by the sparkles on his nose? He must. I would. 5. Are Esme and Carlise secretly really bitter that Edward's vamp power is mind reading, Alice is psychic and the powers the got stuck with (if memory serves) are things like 'love' and 'compassion'? I would be furious. Especially since Carlisle was the first Cullen vamp, did he even know that turning into a vampire could get you a real power, not just a heightened emotion? Can you imagine how you'd feel if you were walking around feeling all sparkly and good about yourself "I'm awesome, not only do I have all these vampire abilities I also got extra compassion. Wooo." Then you turn some kid, who you'd think would be weaker than you since you're the older vamp and he gets mind reading? I don't care how fatherly and sweet Carlise acts to Edward's face, he's punching his pillow of a night ranting about the snot nosed brat who got mind reading while he's stuck with compassion. 6. Isn't doctor the stupidest career choice in the history of idiocy if you live a daily struggle to avoid eating people? I get Carlisle wanted to help people, but there are probably dozens of jobs where you help people but at no point risk snapping and eating them. Did he wait and become a doctor after he already had his bloodlust so under control, or for the first few years was he just the worst doctor ever, who occasionally ate a patient? "Doctor, my flu is just getting worse, and also you appear to be biting my neck." That's like a big fat guy starting his diet on his first day on the job at the cookie factory. |
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Its all so true, I especially loved the one about Eddy watching Bella sleep, I would feel so embarrassed if someone watched me sleep!
Two thumbs up!
not that that would make a difference cause really it wouldnt be more than say 3-5 sentences a night...
I also always wondered- all these do-gooder vamps have these great powers and are all super-strong....but Carlisle is the only one who actually helps people. They could all be superheroes but instead they'd rather go to high school.
Also, Carlisle goes on about how hard it was for him to accept being a vampire, how horrible it was for him and he's supposed to be super-compassionate. And what does he do? Changes other people into monsters through horrifically painful means. That's real nice of him- real compassionate. :/
Either that or it's because no self respecting anything could bring itself to run from something sparkly. I don't care how deadly it is, I couldn't stand the shame of running in fear from something sparkly. That's like running for your life from a my little pony. It's so embarassing I think some people would rather stand there and die than admit they fled in terror from something glittery, lol.
Anyways, funny article! 1 especially :) though Bella does talk in her sleep, so maybe he just likes hearing her telling him how awesome he is when she's sleeping too?
@katiecain. I think the fact that they were dying is irrelevant. People die all the time-how did Carlisle choose who to save and who to let die? He still put them through a horrific ordeal because he was lonely. It says in the first book that he was considering changing someone before he even found Edward. Because he was lonely. He condemned these people to an eternal life of struggling against their basic nature to kill. And what if they refused to live like that? Didn't he let Edward go off in his "rebellious teenager" phase and kill people? He's creating potential murderers. If he couldn't control them or they couldn't bear to live like that then he'd have to destroy them. Which brings up something else. They all had to have gone through the self-hating phase that Carlisle went through where he tried to kill himself. How did he make them see the bright side of living as a vampire? It's okay, Edward, life is worth living because you can go to high school forever! What purpose did he give them? What made them keep going? Because if they didn't have issues with being a monster then they'd, you know- actually be monsters.
Anyone with an ounce of true compassion would have let those people die.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but that's my opinion. :)
darn I had something to say but its gone with all my ranting.
My thoughts exactly :P Fantabulous article Vini!
LULZ!!
i'm so glad i discovered C.A.T!!!
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