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The People of Fanpop Against Eating Disorders
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A Well Kept Secret..
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It's pointless to try to figure out what drives people to extremes in search for what is called "being socially acceptable"...beautiful... as we already know, many things influence people. Why do we fail to see that real beauty lies within? Why must it take so long and be so damn hard to actually learn the lesson and stop treating ourselves this way...we know the consequences, sadly, some never learn... I'm glad to say that I am not a slow learner and though I learned the hard way, I certainly learned my lesson. When I was a kid, I was the chubby little girl. At the time, like most kids, I didn't have a care in the world. Then, the bullying starts; a lot of us know that story. At school, I was often called names, made fun of, laughed at, critized, basically banned from hanging with the other girls; pushed to the point where I had to hide in corners just so I could eat my lunch...or throw it away...whatever I thought was best at the time. My "friends" were always the skinny ones, popular..whatever- always playfully joking that I couldn't borrow their clothes because I was too fat. Sometimes people don't realize the damage they can do to someone with just a small comment. I hated family reunions. You know, those distant relatives that you don't see except on that kind of reunions; one of the first things that they would say was "You are so fat" or "Well, it looks like you've been eating a lot" and being constantly compared to my thin cousins, instead of focusing on the important stuff I had done. Funny thing was that I wasn't really fat, just a bit chubby. But I let that sort of comment get to me. This sort of pattern with the bullying and cruel comments continued for the longest time. I started college and became the classic college student..too busy for anything..including eating. I was too defensive, not very sociable, ashamed because I wasn't happy with my appearance. I was too busy to eat. I would eat just a little here and there, maybe a cookie, a fruit, some water...I said to myself: "No one is going to notice..when I lose 10 pounds I stop" Smart huh? I started smoking at 17, that gave me the feeling that I could control my hunger. If I was hungry, I lighted one up, maybe some water or soda and that was it. No one knew what I was doing..it was a "well kept secret". My health started to suffer, I couldn't keep anything and everything I ate, I ended throwing it up. My smoking wasn't helping either. My mother knew something was wrong. She tried to help, but I wouldn't let her. I kept on doing that for the next 5 years. I lost weight, yes I did, but that didn't make me happy. I was sick all the time and my perception of myself was already messed up. At this point, I avoided any social activity. I, like a lot of people, was also influenced by the media and their definition of beauty. Celebrities are often confused for role models when in reality some are in worse situations than some of us. Take a look around at those 'teen stars' a lot of them have been through many things even before their 21st b-day; and we dare call them role models..please I'm not going to end this by saying, I sought help and everything was fine..it took me 5 years to realize that what I was doing to myself was wrong, it didn't make me happy and I was worrying the people that I love.
Then came the hard part; getting better. It was definitely an uphill battle, but by that time it wasn't a secret anymore and I had full support from my mother and those of my friends who knew. Slowly, I broke the habit. Now, I'm my chubby self again. I learned the hard way the meaning of beauty, I accept it and myself and that makes me happy. I don't have any pearls of wisdom, God knows I still have much to learn. All I can say is that if you or someone you know is going through the same thing..seek help, don't try to go through it alone. Know, that beauty is not what you see on magazine covers and TV, beauty is something you have inside, it makes you who you are..thin doesn't make you happy..like my mother told me all along: Beauty comes in all shapes, forms, colors and sizes. Accept yourself. Just learn to love yourself and love those who love you for who you are.
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(and now i sound like a after school special)
I wish I'd read this before so I could've nominated it for a Fanpoppy! It is amazing!!!
and I totally understand you, I know what it's like to feel that pressure of being skinny.. in my case it was the same, my classmates-my so called "friends"- were always making fun of me.. but now I see my photos when I was 11-14 and I really wasn't fat at all.. but they told me so.. and I believed them X(
I wish I was as strong as you are! the battle to stop this is probably the most difficult thing we'll ever have to deal with.. but my problem is that even if I do realize this is not good for me.. I still want it so bad.. I don't want to stop.. XS
I hope someday I can believe that the real beauty lies on the inside, and that if someone loves you they'll love you for who you are, not for how much you weight!
oh, and YOU are definetly an inspiration! (a REAL one, the kind of people we all should look up to! ^^)
thanks for giving me hope, your words will get me at least through this day and I'm sure you know how big that is! so thank you so much!!!
=]
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