There are so many great one-liners in Scrubs. What are your favourites?
I memorised a speech from Dr Cox (season 4 episode 1) about why he chose JD and Elliot for the Chief-Resident job:
'What with Barbie here being rediculously book-smart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills and you being warm and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an un-potty trained labradoodle, *together* the two of you make one barely passable doctor... slash labradoodle.'
So what are your favourites? here are a couple more -
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God. I care so little I almost passed out.
Dr. Kelso: Hello Perry. I don't really know why I'm here but nurse Espinosa said if I don't come round, she'll stop coming to my house and talk to my pool boy. He speaks perfect english but he has no front teeth so I can never look at him without laughing.
I had almost finished typing out my list when I accidently went onto a different page and it got deleted and I can't be bothered to type it up again, although I will say a few, and may add over time when my frustration is lower and my obssesivness is higher:
Janitor: KNIFE WRENCH!
Ted: OH YEAH! SUCK IT B****! I WILL MURDER YOU!
(Dr Cox's "anti-Lester Hedrick" speech:
Dr. Cox: * You couldn't push my buttons if you tried. In fact, I have no buttons. Please think of me as button-less, all smooth like G.I Joe's nether-regions. And, by the by, this image is brought to you by my son Jack, who has been yanking the pants off of his toy soldiers and leaving them in provocative positions on my nightstand. It is... just disturbing enough so that, leaving the house, I'm cranky and less able to suffer fools which brings me back to you - THE FOOL. I'm done suffering you so go now. Go... go before you can write a book entitled "Help! A Large Doctor is Beating My Ass COLON: The Lester Hedrick Story" And his after-quote:
"He seems impervous to my threats...
...that annoys me."
*thanks smackdabish for the speech
(After model plane blows up)
JD: What an odd sized explosion...
Dr Cox: Up yours Bobo!
Jack: Yeah, up yours Bobo!
Jack: Man check! (punches Dr Cox in the groin)
And the many high fives from The Todd.
I finish with a quote from Johny-Tackling-Alzheimers-Patient
From that same episode, "My Interpretation":
JD: Uh, I still want to refer you to a dermatologist, but it looks benign to me.
Janitor: Benign, nine-and-a-half...
"Come on Janitor, you went to Harvard for God's sake!" - and then in "My Deja Vu.." "Come on Janitor, you went to Yale for God's sake!"
Loads from "My Hero"
Turk: Just because I'm thorough and I want to keep two kelly clamps on the field in case their appendiceal artery is inadvertently incised so I can gain immediate hemostatic control doesn't mean I think too much. Plus, what if I needed to...
Todd's Narration: #Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun shiny scalpel! Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun gonna slice him up.#
Janitor: Your mother's maiden name is Turner.
J.D.: So you used your key to get into my personnel file. Big deal.
Janitor: Your first kiss was with Sarah Briggs at the embarrassing age of sixteen. She wore a green turtleneck, and you wonder sometimes if she still thinks about you. I'm guessing no.
J.D.: How could you possibly know that?
Janitor: I'm your father!
Janitor: You're afraid of escalators.
J.D.: That's not uncommon.
Janitor: You like the way cashmere feels on your skin!
J.D.: How are you doing this?
Janitor: That's right! You run away! Run away from the truth!
From "My Missed Perception":
Dr. Kelso: How old do you think I am, Dorian?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, there's no way to answer that and not get in trouble. Change the subject.
J.D.: Sir, I would be honored if you and Enid would join me at my place on Sunday for some homemade jambalaya.
Dr. Kelso: Well, it would be good for Enid to get out of the house....
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh my God, he's actually thinking about it! Change the subject back!
J.D.: You're seventy-eight, sir.
Dr. Kelso: You think I'm that old?
J.D.: Jambalaya....
Dr. Kelso: I'm fifty-seven, numb-nuts.
J.D.: Really?
Dr. Kelso: And I know they say fifty-seven is the new forty --
J.D.: Who?
Dr. Kelso: -- but lately, it seems all people see when they look in my direction is some old guy. Hell, just last week, I was in the mall hanging out at Brookstone, and some kid asked me if I was lost.
J.D.: Brookstone? Were you looking for gadgets, sir?
Dr. Kelso: If that's what you call trolling for mall ass, then yeah.
"My Philosophy"
Discussing Turk's proposal:
J.D.: Okay, first you gotta get, like, fifty candles, right?
Turk: Mm-hmm?
J.D.: You spread 'em all over the room with some rose petals....
Turk: That's right, because the roses are beautiful, and they make the room smell amazing.
J.D.: Like a meadow in springtime.
Turk: Mmm.
Carla comes in from the bedroom.
Carla: What are you guys talking about?
Turk: Nothing, guy talk!
J.D.: Yeah, bitches and hos.
Janitor: There is not a toilet on the roof!
Todd: But you just said there was.
Janitor: No! Yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor...uhh...that means..."God is watching us." You've heard this, "There's a toilet on the roof."
&
J.D.: You know, sir, Dr. Townshend, here, was telling me you have some great old stories about the hospital. I...I'd love to hear one sometime.
Dr. Kelso: Well, what the hell. Back in '68...I don't like you. The end.
&
Elliot: Of course I'm holding back! I'm insane, you idiot! Remember the other day, when you told me that I had pit stains? Well, I have cried every fifteen minutes on the half-hour since you told me that. I am wracked with self-doubt. I have panic attacks. I'm claustrophobic, germaphobic, phobiaphobic. I talk to myself. I talk to my cat. I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice. And yesterday, when that stupid pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves, I almost killed the guy whose leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks! Why a box of steaks? 'Cause my dad had an affair with a female butcher! And, as I mentioned before, I am insane. There! I opened up! Are you happy?
&
J.D.: What's up, fellas. Look, I know I'm usually Medical, I just want you guys to know I consider you all me pee-pees.
Janitor: I swear on my unborn fishboy she will pay.
Elliot: Hows the drama-queen today?
JD: I don't know, how are you? ZIINNNG!
JD: Mr Steele, first name: Man of -
Dr. Cox: You're done.
Dr.Cox: You go to work - she's there. You go out - she's there. And when you go home, where is she?
Turk:... There?
Dr. Cox: Dinnng.
Elliot: JD i really don't wanna do this can't we just go home, put on our pyjamas and watch Grey's Anatomy?
JD: Oh i do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives and just put it on TV!
Dr.Kelso: I got you a present to your trip to Mexico. It's my old Spanish to English dictionary. I don't need it anymore, I've mastered the language.
Dr.Molly Clock: Gracias Senior
Dr.Kelso: Your Welcomo
Another from the same episode
Dr.Cox: Lady, people aren't chocalates. Do you know what they are mostly. Bastards, bastard coated bastards with bastard filling.
'Or when Turk beats carla at a arm wrestling match
Turk : 'That's what you get!, That's what you get when you mess with the warrior!' '
Hahaha, That is still my favorite one of all time.
nr 2:
Kelso (on the phone): Baxter is showing his teeth? Ok here's what you do.. Are you ready? ... Ok... MAKE A SUDDEN MOVE!!!
*Screams and growls comming from the phone*
Kelso: Hahahahaha
*hangs up the phone*
Dr Cox: It's your hair, your nose, your chinless face, you always need a hug, not to mention all the manly appletini's that you chug, that you think that im your mentor just continues to perplex, and oh my god stop telling me when you have nerdy sex!
Dr. Kelso : Hey, guess what has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap?
[Points at his face with his thumbs]
Dr. Kelso : Bob Kelso! I think we've met...
-
Ted : I feel I'd be more productive if my phone dialed out.
-
Dr. Kevin Casey: It's been four hours since my last surgery, I just can't stop washing my hands...
[grunts]
Dr. Kevin Casey: This is a secret... no one is suppose to know about this. Ok?
J.D. : Okay, no problem.
Dr. Kevin Casey: I just don't want to tell anyone, this is my problem, no one should ever burden it on someone else...
J.D. : [voice over] He was right, I couldn't do it...
Dr. Kevin Casey: You need help JD?
J.D. : No, nothing...
[voiceover]
J.D. : None of us needed help...
-
Dr. Kelso : Son, do you think I got to be Chief of Medicine by being late?
Dr. Cox : Noooo, Bobbo, you got there by backstabbing and ass-kissing.
Dr. Kelso : Maybe so, but I started those things properly at eight!
JD innermonologue: just tell him how you feel without sounding like a complete girl for once!
JD: I miss you so much it hurts sometimes...
JD innermonologue: damnit!
[Dr. Kelso has punctured his eardrums]
Ted: There you are, you deaf bastard! I hate you so much, every time you utter my name, I wanna stick my fist all the way down your throat and watch you slowly choke on it!
Dr. Kelso: Ted, I can hear now.
Ted: [frightened] Who's Ted?
J.D.: [JD and Turk are lying on the ground] Why are we lying in the parking lost?
Turk: Your hook shot knocked you unconscious and I lied down next to you so everybody would think we were chillin'.
J.D.: Oh. Thanks S.C.B. By the way I should tell you something. I found an apartment and I'm moving out the day after tomorrow.
Turk: Wow. What does S.C.B. mean?
J.D.: Super. Chocolate. Bear.
Turk: I love it.
Ted: And you know what else? I quit!
Dr. Kelso: No you don't!
Ted: Well I'm leaving early today!
Dr. Kelso: No, you're not! You're coming back to my office to do busy work!
Ted: Fine, but I'm getting a soda first!
Dr. Kelso: Whatever.
Elliot: (on the phone) Janitor, tell Turk Carla's starting to push.
Janitor: (on the phone) Got it. (to Turk) Your baby has a tail.
Turk: I told her to stay away from the microwave.
Kelso: Hey there Sport.
3-year-old Jack Cox: Your face is wrinkly.
Kelso: Yeah? Well that shirt your wearing is gay.
Jordan: "Here, take the fake sugars, because I hope you get cancer I really do. Well, my parents were really mean to me."
J.D.'s narration: "So what rhymes with baptism? Raptism? Schmaptism? Naptism? I'm so tired I could use a naptism...and there's my opening joke! I should write "pause for laughter" so I don't forget!"
J.D.: "And if any of you cows, goats, or ducks have any questions, don't be afraid to ask me! I'm just like all of you, only giant and human!... Thank you. I hope you enjoyed our production of World's Most Giant Doctor Goes to the Farm."
J.D.'s narration- "As I fondled Katya, my pillow girlfriend..."
J.D.: Should I get a baby too?
Turk: I'm a little preoccupied right now. Why don't you ask your unicorn?
J.D.: Ah, this is way over Justin's head... he's never been in love. Not real love, anyway...
Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude, he keeps a hug schedule with his friends.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Oh, okay, Turk! Looks like someone's getting crossed off their two o'clock spot and getting pencilled in for never. How does that feel? Does it sting?
Turk: Do you see what you get when you mess with the warrior!
J.D.'s narration: What are you doing? Elliot's amazing and you're crazy about her. If you let her leave, I'm gonna do this all day: I get knocked down but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down. I get knocked down...
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Janitor: KNIFE WRENCH!
Ted: OH YEAH! SUCK IT B****! I WILL MURDER YOU!
(Dr Cox's "anti-Lester Hedrick" speech:
Dr. Cox: * You couldn't push my buttons if you tried. In fact, I have no buttons. Please think of me as button-less, all smooth like G.I Joe's nether-regions. And, by the by, this image is brought to you by my son Jack, who has been yanking the pants off of his toy soldiers and leaving them in provocative positions on my nightstand. It is... just disturbing enough so that, leaving the house, I'm cranky and less able to suffer fools which brings me back to you - THE FOOL. I'm done suffering you so go now. Go... go before you can write a book entitled "Help! A Large Doctor is Beating My Ass COLON: The Lester Hedrick Story" And his after-quote:
"He seems impervous to my threats...
...that annoys me."
*thanks smackdabish for the speech
(After model plane blows up)
JD: What an odd sized explosion...
Dr Cox: Up yours Bobo!
Jack: Yeah, up yours Bobo!
Jack: Man check! (punches Dr Cox in the groin)
And the many high fives from The Todd.
I finish with a quote from Johny-Tackling-Alzheimers-Patient
"WHO AM I?????" (smacks head into screen)
(Turk's spinning round and round on the ceiling fan)
JD: He was a beautiful black blur.
From Her Story II
JD: You know what's funny Turk. She's crying, but she's not saying "that's so sad". She's actually crying
Turk: Your an idiot.
JD: I know.
And from Their Story.
Ted: YES, SUCK IT BITCH, I WILL MURDER YOU!!!
'do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?'
it had me feel uncomfortable but i still laughed for like 10mins!! LMAO!
JD: Look uhh...Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out
Janitor:When did you see my penis?
JD: Last night, when you were showering
Janitor: Where were you?
JD: I was outside in the bushes. Look it was just a coincidence man, if you had looked out the window you'd have seen my penis
Janitor: What?... Why?
JD: 'cause I had it out while I was looking at yours
JD: Uh, I still want to refer you to a dermatologist, but it looks benign to me.
Janitor: Benign, nine-and-a-half...
"Come on Janitor, you went to Harvard for God's sake!" - and then in "My Deja Vu.." "Come on Janitor, you went to Yale for God's sake!"
Loads from "My Hero"
Turk: Just because I'm thorough and I want to keep two kelly clamps on the field in case their appendiceal artery is inadvertently incised so I can gain immediate hemostatic control doesn't mean I think too much. Plus, what if I needed to...
Todd's Narration: #Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun shiny scalpel! Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun gonna slice him up.#
Janitor: Your mother's maiden name is Turner.
J.D.: So you used your key to get into my personnel file. Big deal.
Janitor: Your first kiss was with Sarah Briggs at the embarrassing age of sixteen. She wore a green turtleneck, and you wonder sometimes if she still thinks about you. I'm guessing no.
J.D.: How could you possibly know that?
Janitor: I'm your father!
Janitor: You're afraid of escalators.
J.D.: That's not uncommon.
Janitor: You like the way cashmere feels on your skin!
J.D.: How are you doing this?
Janitor: That's right! You run away! Run away from the truth!
From "My Missed Perception":
Dr. Kelso: How old do you think I am, Dorian?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, there's no way to answer that and not get in trouble. Change the subject.
J.D.: Sir, I would be honored if you and Enid would join me at my place on Sunday for some homemade jambalaya.
Dr. Kelso: Well, it would be good for Enid to get out of the house....
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh my God, he's actually thinking about it! Change the subject back!
J.D.: You're seventy-eight, sir.
Dr. Kelso: You think I'm that old?
J.D.: Jambalaya....
Dr. Kelso: I'm fifty-seven, numb-nuts.
J.D.: Really?
Dr. Kelso: And I know they say fifty-seven is the new forty --
J.D.: Who?
Dr. Kelso: -- but lately, it seems all people see when they look in my direction is some old guy. Hell, just last week, I was in the mall hanging out at Brookstone, and some kid asked me if I was lost.
J.D.: Brookstone? Were you looking for gadgets, sir?
Dr. Kelso: If that's what you call trolling for mall ass, then yeah.
"My Philosophy"
Discussing Turk's proposal:
J.D.: Okay, first you gotta get, like, fifty candles, right?
Turk: Mm-hmm?
J.D.: You spread 'em all over the room with some rose petals....
Turk: That's right, because the roses are beautiful, and they make the room smell amazing.
J.D.: Like a meadow in springtime.
Turk: Mmm.
Carla comes in from the bedroom.
Carla: What are you guys talking about?
Turk: Nothing, guy talk!
J.D.: Yeah, bitches and hos.
Coming out of a reverie:
JD: Sure disintergrate the messenger...
JD: I gotta learn to play the banjo...
JD: You have a late night at work, you come home, have a few beers, smother your kids... It's fun right? Wrong. Don't smother your kids.
Right afterwards:
JD: Hey dont you think I'd be a great announcer of things?
Todd: But you just said there was.
Janitor: No! Yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor...uhh...that means..."God is watching us." You've heard this, "There's a toilet on the roof."
&
J.D.: You know, sir, Dr. Townshend, here, was telling me you have some great old stories about the hospital. I...I'd love to hear one sometime.
Dr. Kelso: Well, what the hell. Back in '68...I don't like you. The end.
&
Elliot: Of course I'm holding back! I'm insane, you idiot! Remember the other day, when you told me that I had pit stains? Well, I have cried every fifteen minutes on the half-hour since you told me that. I am wracked with self-doubt. I have panic attacks. I'm claustrophobic, germaphobic, phobiaphobic. I talk to myself. I talk to my cat. I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice. And yesterday, when that stupid pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves, I almost killed the guy whose leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks! Why a box of steaks? 'Cause my dad had an affair with a female butcher! And, as I mentioned before, I am insane. There! I opened up! Are you happy?
&
J.D.: What's up, fellas. Look, I know I'm usually Medical, I just want you guys to know I consider you all me pee-pees.
Elliot: Hows the drama-queen today?
JD: I don't know, how are you? ZIINNNG!
JD: Mr Steele, first name: Man of -
Dr. Cox: You're done.
Dr.Cox: You go to work - she's there. You go out - she's there. And when you go home, where is she?
Turk:... There?
Dr. Cox: Dinnng.
Elliot: JD i really don't wanna do this can't we just go home, put on our pyjamas and watch Grey's Anatomy?
JD: Oh i do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives and just put it on TV!
I got season 5 WooOoOooOooOoOT!!!
J.D walks in sees janitor in shorts
J.D : Wearing shorts today?
Janitor : What i can't wear shorts, because i'm a lowly janitor?
J.D : I didn't say lowly.
Janitor : Oh, now i'm just a janitor?
J.D : YES!
Or Janitors 'Knife-Wrench!'
Or when Turk beats carla at a arm wrestling match
Turk : 'That's what you get!, That's what you get when you mess with the warrior!'
Or The Todds best high five 'Betrayal Five'
Or when Janitor pretends to be the chief of medicine
Janitor : Let's go and make cancer foolish.
J.D.: Not now Turk, I'm Glowbasking
Dr.Kelso: I got you a present to your trip to Mexico. It's my old Spanish to English dictionary. I don't need it anymore, I've mastered the language.
Dr.Molly Clock: Gracias Senior
Dr.Kelso: Your Welcomo
Another from the same episode
Dr.Cox: Lady, people aren't chocalates. Do you know what they are mostly. Bastards, bastard coated bastards with bastard filling.
Turk : 'That's what you get!, That's what you get when you mess with the warrior!' '
Hahaha, That is still my favorite one of all time.
nr 2:
Kelso (on the phone): Baxter is showing his teeth? Ok here's what you do.. Are you ready? ... Ok... MAKE A SUDDEN MOVE!!!
*Screams and growls comming from the phone*
Kelso: Hahahahaha
*hangs up the phone*
Janitor: Do you wanna make a wager?
Dr. Cox: I do, but I really have no use for a cracked thermos and two pounds of keys.
O, and any use by Kelso of the name "Turkleton"
Dr Cox: It's your hair, your nose, your chinless face, you always need a hug, not to mention all the manly appletini's that you chug, that you think that im your mentor just continues to perplex, and oh my god stop telling me when you have nerdy sex!
[Points at his face with his thumbs]
Dr. Kelso : Bob Kelso! I think we've met...
-
Ted : I feel I'd be more productive if my phone dialed out.
-
Dr. Kevin Casey: It's been four hours since my last surgery, I just can't stop washing my hands...
[grunts]
Dr. Kevin Casey: This is a secret... no one is suppose to know about this. Ok?
J.D. : Okay, no problem.
Dr. Kevin Casey: I just don't want to tell anyone, this is my problem, no one should ever burden it on someone else...
J.D. : [voice over] He was right, I couldn't do it...
Dr. Kevin Casey: You need help JD?
J.D. : No, nothing...
[voiceover]
J.D. : None of us needed help...
-
Dr. Kelso : Son, do you think I got to be Chief of Medicine by being late?
Dr. Cox : Noooo, Bobbo, you got there by backstabbing and ass-kissing.
Dr. Kelso : Maybe so, but I started those things properly at eight!
JD innermonologue: just tell him how you feel without sounding like a complete girl for once!
JD: I miss you so much it hurts sometimes...
JD innermonologue: damnit!
[Dr. Kelso has punctured his eardrums]
Ted: There you are, you deaf bastard! I hate you so much, every time you utter my name, I wanna stick my fist all the way down your throat and watch you slowly choke on it!
Dr. Kelso: Ted, I can hear now.
Ted: [frightened] Who's Ted?
J.D.: [JD and Turk are lying on the ground] Why are we lying in the parking lost?
Turk: Your hook shot knocked you unconscious and I lied down next to you so everybody would think we were chillin'.
J.D.: Oh. Thanks S.C.B. By the way I should tell you something. I found an apartment and I'm moving out the day after tomorrow.
Turk: Wow. What does S.C.B. mean?
J.D.: Super. Chocolate. Bear.
Turk: I love it.
Ted: And you know what else? I quit!
Dr. Kelso: No you don't!
Ted: Well I'm leaving early today!
Dr. Kelso: No, you're not! You're coming back to my office to do busy work!
Ted: Fine, but I'm getting a soda first!
Dr. Kelso: Whatever.
Elliot: Oh, right, cause you're diabetic. Boo hoo. You know Turk, if you want sympathy, get a disease people can see!
Janitor: (on the phone) Got it. (to Turk) Your baby has a tail.
Turk: I told her to stay away from the microwave.
Kelso: Hey there Sport.
3-year-old Jack Cox: Your face is wrinkly.
Kelso: Yeah? Well that shirt your wearing is gay.
J.D.'s narration: "So what rhymes with baptism? Raptism? Schmaptism? Naptism? I'm so tired I could use a naptism...and there's my opening joke! I should write "pause for laughter" so I don't forget!"
J.D.: "And if any of you cows, goats, or ducks have any questions, don't be afraid to ask me! I'm just like all of you, only giant and human!... Thank you. I hope you enjoyed our production of World's Most Giant Doctor Goes to the Farm."
J.D.'s narration- "As I fondled Katya, my pillow girlfriend..."
J.D.: Should I get a baby too?
Turk: I'm a little preoccupied right now. Why don't you ask your unicorn?
J.D.: Ah, this is way over Justin's head... he's never been in love. Not real love, anyway...
Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude, he keeps a hug schedule with his friends.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Oh, okay, Turk! Looks like someone's getting crossed off their two o'clock spot and getting pencilled in for never. How does that feel? Does it sting?
Turk: Do you see what you get when you mess with the warrior!
J.D.'s narration: What are you doing? Elliot's amazing and you're crazy about her. If you let her leave, I'm gonna do this all day: I get knocked down but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down. I get knocked down...