There are so many great one-liners in Scrubs. What are your favourites?
I memorised a speech from Dr Cox (season 4 episode 1) about why he chose JD and Elliot for the Chief-Resident job:
'What with Barbie here being rediculously book-smart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills and you being warm and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an un-potty trained labradoodle, *together* the two of you make one barely passable doctor... slash labradoodle.'
So what are your favourites? here are a couple more -
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God. I care so little I almost passed out.
Dr. Kelso: Hello Perry. I don't really know why I'm here but nurse Espinosa said if I don't come round, she'll stop coming to my house and talk to my pool boy. He speaks perfect english but he has no front teeth so I can never look at him without laughing.
Here are a few great and classic quotes from Dr. Cox who is full of them:
Dr.Cox: Let me go ahead and share alittle something special with you that i like to call Perry's perspective: one, if someone is standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop and can't decide what they want in the half hour it took to get to the register then i should be allowed to kill them; two, i am fairly sure that if they took porn off the internet, there would only be one website left and it would be called bring back the porn; three, and most importantly of all, the only way to be respected as a doctor and a man is to be an island, you are born alone, you damn sure die alone. isn't that right spike? the point is, and you might want to jot this down, only the weak need help.
Dr. Cox: I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.
And another classic:
JD: Y'know how I am totally down with the rap music?
Turk: Dude... be whiter.
Let us not forget this one from Bob Kelso:
Who got two thumbs up and dosent give a crap? Bob Kelso !
And later on the same show:
Who got two thumbs up and still dosent give a crap? Bob Kelso thought we'd met !
I just saw 'My way home' and found a great one i couldnt stop laughing at. Heres a conversation with the Janitor -
JD: Your not aware of an underground canal system beneath the hospital are you? I think i saw aa manitee!
Janitor: Was it Julian?
JD: We didn't exchange pleasantries.
Janitor: That was Julian.
that had me cracking up for five minutes... and ive seen it before!
Kelso: Sweet dancing Jehova, I've punctured my brain
(well, ok, maybe it's funny mostly in context)
Cox (the same ep as the "I like this moment so much I want to have sex with it"): This moment is so great, I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one and raise a family of tiny little moments
There were probably funnier quotes, I just don't remember them :)
So, so, so many. I'll just post a few of the more hilarious ones...
Dr. Kelso: I want you to kill the giant bat that's been living in my attic!
Turk: You keep Enid in the attic?
J.D.: It's a Mexican themed fiesta on the first anniversary of my 29th birthday. That means I'm turning thirty. Donde? 56 Walnut Drive. Cuando? Thank you for asking, ocho-thirty until upside down question mark. Sombreros at the door.
Dr. Cox: Don't ever be afraid to come to me with stuff like that. The simple fact that you actually seem to give a crap is the reason I took an interest in you to begin with. It's why I trust you as a doctor. Hell, it's... it's why I trust you as a person.
J.D.: Are you dying?
Elliot: Oh, Dr. Cox, does this lipstick make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No, Barbie, no... it makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively *to* clowns.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't 'See ya' then the third word will be 'Oh my god. My crotch. You've punched me in my crotch.'
J.D.: [voiceover] I knew Dr. Casey now pretty well, everyday, he goes to his first patient's room and touches every single thing in there...
Dr. Kevin Casey: [touching things] Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink...
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Casey, your patients are complaining about a noise in your wing.
Dr. Kevin Casey: [pokes Dr. Kelso on the nose] Bink.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. CASEY! Your patients!
Dr. Kevin Casey: If the noise is bink then I can explain...
Dr. Kelso: IT'S NOT BINK!
Dr. Kelso: If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you can't schedule love.
Dr. Cox: I think your credit card statement would beg to differ.
Dr. Kelso: I got you a present for your trip to Mexico. It's my old Spanish to English dictionary. I don't need it anymore, I've mastered the language.
Dr. Clock: Gracias, Señor.
Dr. Kelso: You're welcomo.
J.D.: You're an actor.
Janitor: You're a fireman... What are we doing?
Janitor: Okay, hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain up off a tile floor?
J.D.: I don't know... the... rough side of a sponge?
[silence]
Janitor: Dammit.
J.D.: [thinking] Maybe I was being unfair to Turk. Maybe it's too much to expect a friend to just sense that you're upset and wanna talk about it...
Elliot: [when JD walks by Elliot and Carla] Carla, I can sense you're upset, talk to me!
J.D.: [looks confused, the continues walking and thinks] OK, but Turk is a prideful guy and it's hard for prideful guys to admit when they've been insensitive
Dr. Cox: [when JD walks by Dr. Cox and Jordan] Listen, Jordan, I've been incredibly insensitive...
J.D.: [looking back to the hallway, thinking] Touché, magic hallway!
Turk: It sounds like you're asking me out on a man date.
J.D.: Turk, why are you so afraid of loving me?
Turk: He was up all night with a high fever, cramping and crying.
J.D.: Dude!
Turk: Oh, my bad. Not crying, punching the wall all manly and angry like, you know what I mean?
Dr. Cox: You couldn't push my buttons if you tried. In fact, I have no buttons. Please think of me as button-less, all smooth like G.I Joe's nether-regions. And, by the by, this image is brought to you by my son Jack, who has been yanking the pants off of his toy soldiers and leaving them in provocative positions on my nightstand. It is... just disturbing enough so that, leaving the house, I'm cranky and less able to suffer fools which brings me back to you - THE FOOL. I'm done suffering you so go now. Go... go before you can write a book entitled "Help! A Large Doctor is Beating My Ass COLON: The Lester Hedrick Story".
anything Cox says really. hah.
"Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine."
J.D.: Come on, man, it's our last week together! The J.D. and Cox train is pulling into the station. You must have a metaphor you want to use; hit me with it!
Dr. Cox: I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week together. Lemme see, uhh... Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, 'The O.C.', the U.N., recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much! The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host! Everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything - eve - everything that exists - past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions... Oh! And Hugh Jackman.
OH! The Dr Cox 'Things I don't care about speech'! I know that off by heart! But we can't miss this at the end of that speech -
Dr. Cox: And Hugh Jackman. Hmmph.
JD: Hugh Jackman's Wolverine! How dare he.
And JD's song: I'mmmm feeling so good today! (Falls over) I still feel good cos nobody saw me faaaaalllll
And JD's waffle song (performed wonderfully by Dr. Cox): HEEEEY HO IT'S WAFFLE TIME ITS WAFFLE TIME WON'T YOU HAVE SOME WAFFLES OF MINE!
More wonderful songs- Janitor: Driiiiilll fork you can drill and fork... mostly fork.
Elliot: My life is a mess.
JD: At least you're pretty.
Elliot: Yeah well pretty don't pay the rent.
Carla: It does for my sister.
Elliot: Omigod your sister's a prostitute?
Carla: No she's a model. Come on Elliot, we talked about thinking before we speak.
Ted: That is not fair. You know I have stress-induced dislexia Dr. Oslek.
Turk (trying to black but not quite succeeding): Homie here you know he's a little out of his mizzle, so I'm sayin' for just a little bizzle, let him up in this pizzle, he'll be chizzle.
Oh! And one more!
Carla: Are you just going to roll over like that?
Jordan: It's weird that's exactly what I asked him last night.
Carla: Where's the outrage, the anger, the hate?
Jordan: Again. Last night.
Carla: You've gone soft.
Jordan: (gasps) Okay now it's just getting spooky!
Dr. Kelso: "What are you thinking, Ted?"
Ted (In his head): "I could jam this through the soft spot on his temple then slit my wrists with it before anyone got in here to stop me"
Ted (out loud): the usual, sir.
Kelso: "Well, you'd never do it you don't have the guts"
Shortly afterwards when the nurses blackmail Kelso with stuff Ted gave them, Kelso says
Kelso: "Ted? Are you responsible for this?"
Ted: "Please sir, I don't have the guts."
Ted (in his head):"Ohh Yeah! SUCK it bitch! I will murder you!"
Classic. Another good moment in that episode
Kelso:"And why are you standing here doing nothing?"
Janitor:"I know this is a slowdown, but...I cant' really work any slower than I normally do, so I pretty much have to come to a complete stop".
As Kelso turns to leave, Janitor continues: "Now, If you're asking why I'm standing here, specifically, it's because, I replaced that light bulb with a tanning bulb. I'm tired of being the only white guy at my mosque."
Oh and when ted drops the extra hot tea. that was good.
Guys, im a bit disappointed in the lack of Todd quotes:
Woman in bed: Docter, im getting a bit tired of all these sexual inuendos.
Todd: ... In your endo.
Or from the very first episode:
Janitor: Doors broke..
JD: Maybe theres a penny stuck in it.
Janitor: Why a penny?
JD: No reason
Janitor: Did you put a penny in there? If i find a penny in there, im coming after you.
Or another Dr. Cox one, from memory so might be a little off.
"Lassie, due to the beastiality rumours circulating about you ive decide to call you by famous dogs names. I've gone with lassie that this satisfys the criteria of being both a girl and a dog, thus helping you ease into the transition"
Just a few of mine =) my fav is the pancake and sivlerware but its already up lol
I'm not sure what episode either of my favorite quotes are, but here they are:
Janitor: You're stupid.
JD: What? That's it?
Janitor: Give it time, it'll eat at ya...
Dr. Cox: It just wouldn't be a wedding without a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.
Dr. Kelso: What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso, how you doing?
Elliot: I'm really impressed how you've handled the 'just friends' situation.
JD: No biggy (thinking) throw her on that gurney and mount her like a lion...
Elliot: "Imagine your uterus is like a tube of toothpaste and you're trying to squeeze out all that minty fresh gel but instead of minty fresh gel, its a little black baby."
Elliot: Sir, my father cut me off...
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, this is not Bring Your Problems to Work Day. This is just Work Day.
J.D.: Look, uh... Janitor...
[the Janitor rolls his eyes]
J.D.: ...I'm gonna be straight with you: I saw your penis, and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night, when you were showering.
Janitor: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside, in the bushes.
[the Janitor takes a second to process this answer]
Janitor: Uhhh...
J.D.: Look, it was just a coincidence, man - I mean, i-i-if you had looked out the window, you'd have seen my penis, you know!
Janitor: What? Why?
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!
[the Janitor is running the hospital PA announcement system]
Janitor: [over PA] Dr. Dorian, Dr. Turk is free for his rectal exam. He said you'd know what that means.
[J.D. and Turk give each other a horrified look, and run off in opposite directions]
Dr. Cox: Shower shorts, newbie?
J.D.: For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to.
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Dr.Cox: Let me go ahead and share alittle something special with you that i like to call Perry's perspective: one, if someone is standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop and can't decide what they want in the half hour it took to get to the register then i should be allowed to kill them; two, i am fairly sure that if they took porn off the internet, there would only be one website left and it would be called bring back the porn; three, and most importantly of all, the only way to be respected as a doctor and a man is to be an island, you are born alone, you damn sure die alone. isn't that right spike? the point is, and you might want to jot this down, only the weak need help.
Dr. Cox: I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.
And another classic:
JD: Y'know how I am totally down with the rap music?
Turk: Dude... be whiter.
Who got two thumbs up and dosent give a crap? Bob Kelso !
And later on the same show:
Who got two thumbs up and still dosent give a crap? Bob Kelso thought we'd met !
JD: Your not aware of an underground canal system beneath the hospital are you? I think i saw aa manitee!
Janitor: Was it Julian?
JD: We didn't exchange pleasantries.
Janitor: That was Julian.
that had me cracking up for five minutes... and ive seen it before!
JD: Thats it?
Janitor: Give it time. It'll eat at you
(later on)
JD:Am I stupid?
Elliot: Yeah a little bit.
dr cox: newbie can you give me some trouble here im having some help
lol
-Looks upwards...-"God, my brilliance is becoming a bit of a burden, get back to me." :D
Kelso: Sweet dancing Jehova, I've punctured my brain
(well, ok, maybe it's funny mostly in context)
Cox (the same ep as the "I like this moment so much I want to have sex with it"): This moment is so great, I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one and raise a family of tiny little moments
There were probably funnier quotes, I just don't remember them :)
Dr. Kelso: I want you to kill the giant bat that's been living in my attic!
Turk: You keep Enid in the attic?
J.D.: It's a Mexican themed fiesta on the first anniversary of my 29th birthday. That means I'm turning thirty. Donde? 56 Walnut Drive. Cuando? Thank you for asking, ocho-thirty until upside down question mark. Sombreros at the door.
Dr. Cox: Don't ever be afraid to come to me with stuff like that. The simple fact that you actually seem to give a crap is the reason I took an interest in you to begin with. It's why I trust you as a doctor. Hell, it's... it's why I trust you as a person.
J.D.: Are you dying?
Elliot: Oh, Dr. Cox, does this lipstick make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No, Barbie, no... it makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively *to* clowns.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't 'See ya' then the third word will be 'Oh my god. My crotch. You've punched me in my crotch.'
J.D.: [voiceover] I knew Dr. Casey now pretty well, everyday, he goes to his first patient's room and touches every single thing in there...
Dr. Kevin Casey: [touching things] Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink...
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Casey, your patients are complaining about a noise in your wing.
Dr. Kevin Casey: [pokes Dr. Kelso on the nose] Bink.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. CASEY! Your patients!
Dr. Kevin Casey: If the noise is bink then I can explain...
Dr. Kelso: IT'S NOT BINK!
Dr. Kelso: If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you can't schedule love.
Dr. Cox: I think your credit card statement would beg to differ.
Dr. Kelso: I got you a present for your trip to Mexico. It's my old Spanish to English dictionary. I don't need it anymore, I've mastered the language.
Dr. Clock: Gracias, Señor.
Dr. Kelso: You're welcomo.
J.D.: You're an actor.
Janitor: You're a fireman... What are we doing?
Todd: I'm The Todd
[to JD]
Janitor: You seem unhappy. I like that.
Janitor: Okay, hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain up off a tile floor?
J.D.: I don't know... the... rough side of a sponge?
[silence]
Janitor: Dammit.
J.D.: [thinking] Maybe I was being unfair to Turk. Maybe it's too much to expect a friend to just sense that you're upset and wanna talk about it...
Elliot: [when JD walks by Elliot and Carla] Carla, I can sense you're upset, talk to me!
J.D.: [looks confused, the continues walking and thinks] OK, but Turk is a prideful guy and it's hard for prideful guys to admit when they've been insensitive
Dr. Cox: [when JD walks by Dr. Cox and Jordan] Listen, Jordan, I've been incredibly insensitive...
J.D.: [looking back to the hallway, thinking] Touché, magic hallway!
Turk: It sounds like you're asking me out on a man date.
J.D.: Turk, why are you so afraid of loving me?
Turk: He was up all night with a high fever, cramping and crying.
J.D.: Dude!
Turk: Oh, my bad. Not crying, punching the wall all manly and angry like, you know what I mean?
anything Cox says really. hah.
"Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine."
and the "traffic cone/finding nemo on dvd" thing.
and JD when he's pretending to be Dr. Cox in "My Butterfly."
Dr. Cox: I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week together. Lemme see, uhh... Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, 'The O.C.', the U.N., recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much! The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host! Everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything - eve - everything that exists - past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions... Oh! And Hugh Jackman.
J.D: I'm sorry I'm late, but I was singing and I fell. And I know I've used the falling excuse before, but it happened again!
Dr. Cox: And Hugh Jackman. Hmmph.
JD: Hugh Jackman's Wolverine! How dare he.
And JD's song: I'mmmm feeling so good today! (Falls over) I still feel good cos nobody saw me faaaaalllll
And JD's waffle song (performed wonderfully by Dr. Cox): HEEEEY HO IT'S WAFFLE TIME ITS WAFFLE TIME WON'T YOU HAVE SOME WAFFLES OF MINE!
More wonderful songs- Janitor: Driiiiilll fork you can drill and fork... mostly fork.
Elliot: My life is a mess.
JD: At least you're pretty.
Elliot: Yeah well pretty don't pay the rent.
Carla: It does for my sister.
Elliot: Omigod your sister's a prostitute?
Carla: No she's a model. Come on Elliot, we talked about thinking before we speak.
Ted: That is not fair. You know I have stress-induced dislexia Dr. Oslek.
Turk (trying to black but not quite succeeding): Homie here you know he's a little out of his mizzle, so I'm sayin' for just a little bizzle, let him up in this pizzle, he'll be chizzle.
Oh! And one more!
Carla: Are you just going to roll over like that?
Jordan: It's weird that's exactly what I asked him last night.
Carla: Where's the outrage, the anger, the hate?
Jordan: Again. Last night.
Carla: You've gone soft.
Jordan: (gasps) Okay now it's just getting spooky!
1. Ted in Dr. Kelso's office looking at a knife
Dr. Kelso: "What are you thinking, Ted?"
Ted (In his head): "I could jam this through the soft spot on his temple then slit my wrists with it before anyone got in here to stop me"
Ted (out loud): the usual, sir.
Kelso: "Well, you'd never do it you don't have the guts"
Shortly afterwards when the nurses blackmail Kelso with stuff Ted gave them, Kelso says
Kelso: "Ted? Are you responsible for this?"
Ted: "Please sir, I don't have the guts."
Ted (in his head):"Ohh Yeah! SUCK it bitch! I will murder you!"
Classic. Another good moment in that episode
Kelso:"And why are you standing here doing nothing?"
Janitor:"I know this is a slowdown, but...I cant' really work any slower than I normally do, so I pretty much have to come to a complete stop".
As Kelso turns to leave, Janitor continues: "Now, If you're asking why I'm standing here, specifically, it's because, I replaced that light bulb with a tanning bulb. I'm tired of being the only white guy at my mosque."
Oh and when ted drops the extra hot tea. that was good.
Woman in bed: Docter, im getting a bit tired of all these sexual inuendos.
Todd: ... In your endo.
Or from the very first episode:
Janitor: Doors broke..
JD: Maybe theres a penny stuck in it.
Janitor: Why a penny?
JD: No reason
Janitor: Did you put a penny in there? If i find a penny in there, im coming after you.
Or another Dr. Cox one, from memory so might be a little off.
"Lassie, due to the beastiality rumours circulating about you ive decide to call you by famous dogs names. I've gone with lassie that this satisfys the criteria of being both a girl and a dog, thus helping you ease into the transition"
Just a few of mine =) my fav is the pancake and sivlerware but its already up lol
[Runs into trolley]
JD: Is anyone else a doctor?
Janitor: You're stupid.
JD: What? That's it?
Janitor: Give it time, it'll eat at ya...
Dr. Cox: It just wouldn't be a wedding without a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.
Dr. Kelso: What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso, how you doing?
Elliot: I'm really impressed how you've handled the 'just friends' situation.
JD: No biggy (thinking) throw her on that gurney and mount her like a lion...
Elliot: "Imagine your uterus is like a tube of toothpaste and you're trying to squeeze out all that minty fresh gel but instead of minty fresh gel, its a little black baby."
Elliot: Sir, my father cut me off...
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, this is not Bring Your Problems to Work Day. This is just Work Day.
J.D.: Look, uh... Janitor...
[the Janitor rolls his eyes]
J.D.: ...I'm gonna be straight with you: I saw your penis, and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night, when you were showering.
Janitor: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside, in the bushes.
[the Janitor takes a second to process this answer]
Janitor: Uhhh...
J.D.: Look, it was just a coincidence, man - I mean, i-i-if you had looked out the window, you'd have seen my penis, you know!
Janitor: What? Why?
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!
[the Janitor is running the hospital PA announcement system]
Janitor: [over PA] Dr. Dorian, Dr. Turk is free for his rectal exam. He said you'd know what that means.
[J.D. and Turk give each other a horrified look, and run off in opposite directions]
Dr. Cox: Shower shorts, newbie?
J.D.: For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to.
dr cox-come on newbie ive went to see the wiggles live in consert 2 times
turk-did they play little red car?
dr cox-they opend and cloesd the show with it
ha haha hahaha sooo funny