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A History of Springfield
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Springfield's town founder, Jebediah Springfield isn't exactly what the history books and short films (starring Troy McClure) would have you believe. Here's what the history books want you to believe: In 1796, Jebediah Obadiah Zachariah Jedediah Springfield, a brave pioneer and woodsman founded the town of Springfield. He built the town's first hospital out of mud and logs. He tamed the buffalo or as he named it, the land cow, and he even killed a bear with his bare hands. Hmmmm... seems a little bare, doesn't it? Well, if it seemed that parts of his life were missing, that's because they were. Here's the truth about Jebediah Springfield: Jebediah Springfield wasn't always his name. His name was Hans Sprungfeld up until 1775, a year before he went on to found Springfield. Hans Sprungfeld was actually a blood-thirsty pirate with a silver tongue. (His real tongue was bit out by a Turk in a grog house fight.) He once attacked George Washington. And remember that bear that he killed with his bare hands? Historians have come to the conclusion that the bear probably actually killed him. The Founding of Springfield In 1795, Jebediah Springfield and his associate, Shelbyville Manhattan, set out to find New Sodom - they had misinterpreted a Bible passage. Once they came to a fertile valley, Jebediah Springfield told all of the pioneers that they would settle here in a land where they could "worship freely, govern justly, and grow vast fields of hemp for making rope and blankets." However, Manhattan saw things differently; he had hoped to found a town where the citizens would have the right to marry their "attractive" cousins. Due to those political differences the pioneers split into two groups - one that wanted "freedom of religion, just government, and hemp" and one group that wanted to marry their cousins. A History of Shelbyville I'd like to take a brief "time-out" from discussing Springfield, to talk about their neighboring town of Shelbyville. According to the ramblings of an elderly man, up until the 30s Shelbyville was known as Morganville, but was apparently changed to honor their town founder, Shelbyville Manhattan. In the center of Shelbyville lies a statue of the town founder with an "attractive" cousin on each arm. Shelbyville is now a cultured community with such landmarks as the Rolling Rock and the Rancho Relaxo.
Whacking Day: beloved town holiday or barbaric yearly destructive festival? What the history books want you to believe: Whacking Day was founded on May 10, 1775. Townspeople would grab their clubs and sticks and drive all the town's snakes to the center of the city and whack them to death. Again, seems a little bare. Here's the truth about Whacking Day: Whacking Day couldn't have possibly been founded on May 10, 1775 because a) "Jebediah Springfield" was (supposedly) at Fort Ticonderoga that same day, and b) Jebediah Springfield didn't even exist at that time - he was still Hans Sprungfeld. Whacking Day was founded in 1924 as an excuse to beat up the Irish (no hard feelings there though - "'Twas all in good fun"). Recent Whacking Day Controversy: Recently Whacking Day was canceled because town citizens realized that it was a horrible holiday. Mayor Joseph "Diamond Joe" Quimby proudly displayed his whacked snakes and became the source of ridicule for participating in such a "barbaric event."
The story of our favorite family's journey to Springfield is a long and interesting one... maybe. It all started in "The Old Country". Orville Simpson had a fascination with America that was undying. Soon, he immigrated along with his wife, Yuma Hickman-Simpson, and his son, Abraham Simpson. The family lived inside the Statue of Liberty until they filled the head with garbage, at which point they were forced to move out. That's when the family settled in Springfield. Abe Simpson grew up and fought in WWII. He went to a carnival and met a carnival floozie. Long story short, next year at the carnival, she had a son - now known as Herb Powell. Then Abe married a different woman, and his wife gave birth to a son - Homer Jay Simpson. Homer grew up in Springfield, and in high school he met Marge Bouvier, who he later married. They had three kids - Bartholomew, Lisa, and Margaret. Thanks for reading. |
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