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posted by PotterForever
Some jokes I found, describing the epic badassness of Bauer. :D


1.If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.

2.Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

3.If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.

4.Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

5.Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

6.Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

7.Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

8.1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

9.If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you… well amigo, you’re f*cked.

10.Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

11.Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

12.If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.

13.When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

14.Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.

15.If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn’t want to carry you.

16.Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn’t want to.

17.Jack Bauer’s gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.

18.As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”

19.While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

20.Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.

21.Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

22.Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

23.Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.

24.Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

25.If Jack’s starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.

26.When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

27.Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

28.David Spade always says ‘yes’ to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.

29.Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would he would do for a Klondike bar...
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posted by MTahmisian
1. Jack Bauer -



Where in the world do you start with Jack Bauer? First of all he is the best TV character of all time, barring no one, with Kiefer Sutherland being the best actor ever. Jack suffers tragic loss and extreme pain and torture (as well as inflicting some himself) takes out the bad guys and saves the world from horrific terror attacks, all in 24 hours, time after time! He is very loyal, shows no mercy and looks awesome with a gun and sunglasses. He is a modern superhero who is unforgettable. Plus he's the one character you never have to worry about dying, no matter how much...
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So I was recently digging through some papers I had in one of my drawers and came across some old 24 stuff back from like '06. I was a HUGE member of the 24um and I had found a thread that fans started called "Why did the chicken cross the road? Responses characters in the show would have." I have NO idea why i printed it off the computer but I am so happy i did because obviously, it no longer exists.
I decided to share it here with you guys because I didn't want it to be lost forever :) Lemme know if any of you happened to be one of the people who came up with these answers, or if you were...
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This gift basket was donated for a fundraiser for the charity TEAMSTACIE. It includes; EPISODE #1 SCRIPT AUTOGRAPHED BY THE PRODUCERS, HAT, BOOK, SIXE LARGE T-SHIRT, AND COFFEE MUG. The charity was set up for Stacie Schifino who found out she has breast cancer in 2009 and has been going through chemotherapy and radiation. All money and items donated go directly to Stacie to help pay for medical bills. You're welcome to check out her website that her many loving friends made for her by googling TEAMSTACIE. There's information about her as well as video and press coverage of the Los Angeles fundraiser...
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So I (still) spend a great deal of my day thinking of 24. What already happened, what could happen if they brought it back WITH Jack...some of what I think about is a true proper series end. And it would only be fitting that it ends with Jack dying.

Now, hear me out.

My wording in the title is important here. I said fitting, NOT ideal. I think I can speak for most fans when I say we all just want a happy ending for Jack. He has been through so much, lost so much. He deserves true happiness, he NEEDS it. I need it for him. There's nothing I'd like to see more than to have him settled down and...
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