to James while orienting him in his new job) "If someone wins a giant assed panda on your watch you should just go home cause you're fired, OK?"
- Joel, Adventureland

"She once violated our cat, Gypsy, with a ball point pen."
- Em Lewin, Adventureland

(commenting to her step mom on the way she keeps the house) "It's BARF-A-RIFFIC."
- Em Lewin, Adventureland

"We are doing the work of pathetic, lazy, morons."
- James Brennan, Adventureland

(to James continuing his orientation) "You get a five minute bathroom break every two hours. I recommend saving a few of those up in case you have to go number two."
- Joel, Adventureland

(to James) "Look, I can't abide the humiliation of you seeing the inside of my house with the vile plastic slip covers, the bad paintings. It's really nasty."
- Joel, Adventureland

(a real airhead, to James) "I heard you lost a giant panda by knifepoint. ("My legend precedes me.") What?"
- Lisa P, Adventureland

(about men's desires) "That's the way we are wired. It's the way we're wired. It sucks but it's just a fact of nature. It's also tragic."
- Mike Connell, Adventureland

(to James getting out of the pool with Em) "Boner. You got a boner. James has got a boner. "
- Tommy Frigo, Adventureland

"Brennan, uh, don't get all drunk and fall asleep. ("Why?") People will jack off on your face."
- Tommy Frigo, Adventureland