Chapter 3: I will never regret loving you; only believing you loved me too.
So you can’t blame me for seeking comfort whatever form it many be.
The next week went by in a blur, I couldn’t eat, and I couldn’t drink. Or rather I didn’t want to eat or drink. None the less i was growing weak. Lissa tried to heal me a few times, but I refused her, because this weakness was my own doing. I did what I was told; I went to class, went to practice then to my room and read or thought about things. I was becoming very antisocial. I felt so selfish being so down, but it wasn’t my life I feared, it was Masons. I was coping with so much and I couldn’t keep acting like it was ok. The first step to recovering is to grieve, to realise and come to terms with what was happening, and that’s what I’m doing now. When I go to my room I think about my life, I think about everything, Lissa, Johnny, Mason. About being half Strigoi, about having to live my life with a dark secret. Sometimes it made me want to be sick thinking that I had Strigoi blood running through my Veins, sometimes I found it fascinating. But I have never been able to tell a single soul, for fifteen years I’ve never talked about it. As Dad was sure that they would take us away and do lots and lots of testing, we would-if they found fit- also rule the Moroi and Dad nor I wanted to do that, also Lissa was most likely next in line for the crown and she would make a lot better Queen then me. I thought about how I never really had a family, how I moved from England when I was four, how My mum wasn’t really a mum to me, how this had been the first time I’d seen my dad in four years. About how I was always alone, about Dimitri and Johnny, about how Johnny had used me as a blood whore and I had believed he loved me. I didn’t understand that part, surely my lie detector skills would have realised when he said he loved me that he had lied. And then I realised, I didn’t realise it because i didn’t want to, I wanted to believe that he loved me and I fooled myself into believing it. I sighed; rolling over in my bed i grabbed a square of gum from my bedside table. I knew it was petty to act like this, to sulk in my room. But I wasn’t exactly sulking, more thinking about things so I could move on. Dimitri sat outside my Room at all times; I don’t think he ever slept. I felt so bad about him looking after me like this but at the same time the selfish side of me found comfort in knowing that he was always around. I realised something the other day when I was doing exactly the same thing I was doing now -laying on my bed chewing gum and thinking about my messed up life-. That Love is something you can’t describe, it doesn't take a particular form or a particular way to show it, it is different for everyone, People can’t tell you how to love, what to love or what it is.... you don’t know what it truly means until your willing to give up everything for it. Love is never perfect and with love comes pain, that part is in avertable. its never equal, one person will always feel it more then the other. But we can’t change these facts. All we can do is let it guide us through our lives and hope it takes us down the right path, for love is what makes life worth living, and that may be because it is so hard to get, yet so easy to feel and even easier to loose.
I was quite proud of myself when I thought of that, I had to write it down. Sure that no one would believe me if I told then I thought of it all by myself.
But what I said is true, every bit of it. I got up off my bed walked over to my dresser, took a deep breath and picked up a envelope with Dimitri written on the top, slowly I walked over to the door, peaked out the window, Dimitri was sitting next to the door. Slowly I leant down and pushed the envelope through the crack beneath the door, I watched as Dimitri picked it up and then I closed the blinds. I had written that the same day I had written my great masterpiece on what love is.
I don’t know how to say this, or rather I don’t know why I’m saying this… but I’m re-adjusting my life and I need to tell you everything. I don’t expect you to understand or show anything towards me, I just hope that one day I can look back on the time I spent with you and smile.
Beautiful Dimitri, you have brought many things into my life, good and bad. You have made me feel so many things that I didn’t even know I could feel. You brought me comfort in times of need and you bring a smile to my face every time I think of you. From the first time I meet you I knew that you were something special, and the more I got to know you the more I started to like you. As reserved and shy as you are I seemed to see more to you. You taught me not just how to fight and kill Strigoi but how to love and a new way at looking at life. Dimitri, I love you with every part of my heart, but I know you don’t feel the same way, I understand that nothing could ever happen between us and it hurts me but I feel no regret or disappointment, I just feel lucky to have met you. And now I am taking a step forward and I am going to admit what I’ve got, who I am and move on, for they say acknowledgment is the first step of moving on. I no that over time my pain will heal-got that sounds corny- and I know that I will feel better once I have said this to you.
Here it goes,
The reason I can break down doors and run super fast is because of my grandfather. Well actually I better go right back to my great great grandfather. My great great grandfather had turned Strigoi and supposably killing all his family or rather turning them Strogoi. But that wasn’t true. Yes he had turned Strogoi after being bitten against his will, but he was a good man and he spared his family, telling them to change there name and leave the country. They did so retreating to England. Ever since my family has thought to be wiped out, which is exactly how they intended it to be. This is my real name:
Bellerose Vicie Fleurmonte.
But there’s more. You many wounder that if I am from a royal Moroi family how can I be Dhampir, well this is where my grandfather comes in.
His name was Robert, he had been a Moroi when there village was attacked he went to fight, having been trained illegally to use his fire magic as a weapon. He had been attacked and turned Strogoi. Except he had returned home late that night to his girlfriend-my grandma- and they had made love. My Grandma hadn’t realised what he was, and the next day, as he hadn’t killed her the night before, she felt safe and her love for him kept her there. That night with the franticness of everything they had forgotten to prevent having children, and that night my father was made. Now we don’t know how it happened my grandma Rosetta seemed to think that it was because Robert was a freshly made Strigoi that he may of still had some Moroi blood running through his veins. As maybe his creator did a shitty job But my father wasn’t really a particular ‘breed’ of vampire neither Moroi Strigoi nor Dhampir but a mixture off all three, his father being Strigoi and Moroi, his mother being Dhampir made him half Strigoi, a quarter Moroi and a quarter Dhampir
And that’s what I am
Please forgive me my heart will always be yours. I love you
I held my breath as I watched him read the note; I was so scared of his reaction. I expected him to be sick or never talk to me again. But that was not the case, after he finished reading he merely folded up the note, put it in his pocket and stood up, turning around to knock on my door. I didn’t know what to do. Should I answer it or should I just pretend I was asleep.
“Roza” he whispered his voice like velvet. I stood up, running my hands through my hair deciding what to do. Slowly I took a step forward and open the door a fraction. Fear held me still, I couldn’t say anything, all I could do is look into those deep brown eyes and hope that I would still see them tomorrow.
“Don’t ever say that I don’t love you Roza” he breathed his voice dangerous. I didn’t know what to say, that was not what I was expecting, nor did I expect what came next. He pushed the door open and grabbed me, kissing me more passionately then he had ever done. Closing the door loudly with his foot he picked me up and basically threw me onto the bed. Kissing me again and again and again. My mind still wasn’t working and I couldn’t believe what was happening. I had been fanaticising about this for the past four months and now it was finally happening. But it did feel right. Oh my god why when I finally got what I wanted I had to get all melodramatic?
“Dimitri” I breathed moving my lips away from his. He started kissing my neck, it felt good but I had to talk.
“Dimitri” I repeated. He looked up at me
“You said this was wrong” I whispered. GOD what was I saying! It was like I wasn’t controlling my mouth. Just shut up and kiss him a part of me said. But I knew we had to talk about this first
“Well screw it, I don’t care if its wrong, because I know now that being away from you is wrong” he breathed kissing my neck again.
“Dimitri, I’m a Strigoi,” I said shivering; this was the first time I had ever spoken the words out loud. He looked up at me again. Suddenly he sat up, picking me up as he went sitting me on his lap.
“Roza, I don’t care, to me you are still beautiful, still the amazing gifted perfect girl I fell in love with, Strigoi or not you’re still my perfect Roza,” he whispered kissing me again.
“Dimitri I drink blood” I whispered ashamed, I couldn’t believe I was trying to convince him not to love me, not to do this but I knew it was the right thing to do.
“I don’t care, Lissa drinks blood, half the people here drink blood and I don’t look at them any differently” he muttered his eyes smouldering “Now please Rose, let me kiss you” he muttered chuckling a little before placing his lips softly to mine. At first the kiss was slow and soft but then slowly it grew more and more, turning into something incredible. Something of pure refined love and animal passion. Slowly he pulled off my top, revealing a dark purple bra. He appreciated it for a second before disposing of it too. I pushed him down so he was lying on the bed. I looked into his dark eyes for a second before kissing him softly.
“Do you realise what this means” I whispered laying my head on his shoulder next to his.
“What?” he whispered running his hand slowly along my back.
“Everything’s changed now” I mumbled into the bed covers. “You know everything, and we cant keep acting like we don’t love each other it just drives us crazy” I whispered. Sitting back up I looked into his eyes; they really were his best feature. Yeah he had an amazing body, and yeah he had great hair, but those eyes, those beautiful eyes… it was like they could see into my soul, like they knew everything about me. Dimitri sat up to looking at me with a ferociousness that wasn’t accompanied by anger, but rather by love.
“Then let’s not” he whispered “lets get this out, I love you, you love me etso facto we love each other,” he mumbled the ferociousness still playing on the edges of his voice.
“Okay” I said smiling, I had never felt better in my life, and finally I had someone I could talk to about everything, someone I could confide in and someone who loved me. Really truly loved me.