As you all know, Marvel has sold itself out to Disney for 4 billion dollars. It was a glorious day for Stan Lee. Finally, he was able to receive a huge sum of money for his association with Marvel without having to...sue Marvel. DC liked the idea too! And so now, Michael Eisner's plans for the Batman franchise.
1. Lucious Fox will no longer be wearing a suit and tie, but suspenders and bare feet. He will also go without hygiene, and always pray Christian Bale for forgiveness for simply standing too close to him while a white man's thinking. He'll also have physic powers.
2. It won't be called Dark Knight anymore but "Hero Havoc!" or "Batty for Batman". And the sequel will be "Batty for Batman Too!"
3. There will be ironic comedic music throughout.
4. The Riddler will not only sing, but lip-synch.
5. The poorest person in the film will be just as poor as he was in the beginning.
6. Commissioner Gordon will walk around with a lunchbox that reads,"POLICE COMMISSIONER".
7. Batman will have heat vision and a magical rubix cube, which after he rubs, Chris Rock comes out and uses a chase scene to tell us that "black women have big butts and white women don't" and "why don't you ever see black genies? Probably because...when they rub our lamps...we say whodahellbe rubbin' on our lamp?!"
8. The previews will go on for 75 minutes.
9. They will charge you for 3-D glasses and they will be only applicable for the previews.
10. When the movie comes out on DVD, they'll give you 3 days in order to purchase it before "locking it back up in the Disney vault forever!"
11. The Tumbler will have about four hundred product placement images on it, as well as a sign on the bumper reading "How Am I Driving?" They will be very proud of this joke and highlight it over and over again.
12. Alfred's best advice will be well-known idioms. "Well Master Wayne, that is why you should never...count your chickens...before they've hatched."
13. The Joker will be featured in the final 3 seconds of the entire film, but his likeness will dominate all TV, radio and magazine spots, and be featured right there front and center on the posters when you walk in the theatre.
14. They will pay the actor for a single utterance of laughter, then dub it over and over for the commercials. His total salary will be 3.75.
15. They will advertise it a year before it comes out.
16. Diablo Cody will go on and on about how well written it is.
17. Diablo Cody will be hired to do the sequels.
18. Oprah will straight bust a ham over the "best Batman film ever made".
19. The Batman ride at Disneyland will always be under repairs, but it will get as much ad time as the movie.
20. There will be several instances where when you pause the film, you'll see silhouettes in highly explicit, sexual positions. Sometimes with drugs.
21. Alfred's musical number will start "But I...am but a butler..."
22. Batman has the power to magical appear and re-appear thanks to the effect of filming him, then pressing pause on the camera and moving him off the set to record again.
23. It will cost 400 million dollars, 398 of which is never seen on screen.
24. I used to like comics.
1. Lucious Fox will no longer be wearing a suit and tie, but suspenders and bare feet. He will also go without hygiene, and always pray Christian Bale for forgiveness for simply standing too close to him while a white man's thinking. He'll also have physic powers.
2. It won't be called Dark Knight anymore but "Hero Havoc!" or "Batty for Batman". And the sequel will be "Batty for Batman Too!"
3. There will be ironic comedic music throughout.
4. The Riddler will not only sing, but lip-synch.
5. The poorest person in the film will be just as poor as he was in the beginning.
6. Commissioner Gordon will walk around with a lunchbox that reads,"POLICE COMMISSIONER".
7. Batman will have heat vision and a magical rubix cube, which after he rubs, Chris Rock comes out and uses a chase scene to tell us that "black women have big butts and white women don't" and "why don't you ever see black genies? Probably because...when they rub our lamps...we say whodahellbe rubbin' on our lamp?!"
8. The previews will go on for 75 minutes.
9. They will charge you for 3-D glasses and they will be only applicable for the previews.
10. When the movie comes out on DVD, they'll give you 3 days in order to purchase it before "locking it back up in the Disney vault forever!"
11. The Tumbler will have about four hundred product placement images on it, as well as a sign on the bumper reading "How Am I Driving?" They will be very proud of this joke and highlight it over and over again.
12. Alfred's best advice will be well-known idioms. "Well Master Wayne, that is why you should never...count your chickens...before they've hatched."
13. The Joker will be featured in the final 3 seconds of the entire film, but his likeness will dominate all TV, radio and magazine spots, and be featured right there front and center on the posters when you walk in the theatre.
14. They will pay the actor for a single utterance of laughter, then dub it over and over for the commercials. His total salary will be 3.75.
15. They will advertise it a year before it comes out.
16. Diablo Cody will go on and on about how well written it is.
17. Diablo Cody will be hired to do the sequels.
18. Oprah will straight bust a ham over the "best Batman film ever made".
19. The Batman ride at Disneyland will always be under repairs, but it will get as much ad time as the movie.
20. There will be several instances where when you pause the film, you'll see silhouettes in highly explicit, sexual positions. Sometimes with drugs.
21. Alfred's musical number will start "But I...am but a butler..."
22. Batman has the power to magical appear and re-appear thanks to the effect of filming him, then pressing pause on the camera and moving him off the set to record again.
23. It will cost 400 million dollars, 398 of which is never seen on screen.
24. I used to like comics.